Emotions

What are Emotions? Are They the Same as Feelings? How do Emotions Relate to Thought? What do Emotions Teach Us? What is the Spiritual (I don't mean religious) Solution to Healing Emotional Distress? How Does it Add to Psychological Concepts? How May These Concepts Improve Your Experience of, and Outcomes From, Transformative Life Coaching (TLC)?

We are all afraid of emotions. Yet we only move at the speed of our pain. Bless it. It moves us towards God.

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This is a vast subject, so let's dive straight in...

Emotions are not for everyone

What are emotions?

Emotions are a tool kit to aid your Transformation

Many of us live in emotional dissociation and don't face our emotions. When we heal, we progress from numbness, dissociation, and hurting to feeling. There is no greater feeling than becoming who you truly are. 

My psychiatrist, who is brilliant as he has a holistic approach and therefore has wisdom outside of books, and has had therapy himself, told me this "This may come as a bit of a shock, but not everyone can feel emotions": Like awareness - not everyone can feel awareness or become aware. If you put 100 people in front of a beautiful sunset, not everyone will feel how infinite it is and drop into presence. I replied to him "Do you mean that people with traumatic childhood experiences can't always become aware of their emotions?" "He replied "Regardless of their history, not everyone can feel their emotions." He went on, "So, although it has been a tumultuous time for you, you should celebrate that you are now acutely aware of all your emotions: Emotions are a tool kit, which you can use to guide you." There is information in emotions. Emotions come largely from our thoughts about the world. Simone Weil, the French philosopher, wrote "Pain is the root of knowledge." Awe is a much more pleasant feeling than pain: As Plato said "Wonder is the feeling of the philosopher, and philosophy begins in wonder."

Ram Dass said that “Emotions are a doorway to another plane of consciousness.” As if you are in the presence of God or 'in presence'. 

Lord Byron wrote “The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain.” Feeling strong emotions makes you feel that you are alive. It is a blessing to be able to feel emotions. This recovery aphorism is often quoted "The worst thing about recovery is that you begin to feel. The best thing about recovery is that you begin to feel." Without pain there is no love. We are terrified of fear. The only way through fear is action. The person who is afraid of flying and who gets on a plane finds out that there is nothing to be afraid of. The problem is that our survival brain's fight and flight response is designed for life or death situations. Most of us live in our reptilian survival brain. What was once an appropriate physiological response no longer serves us in day-to-day life. There is no invisible lion. Most of us are no longer living on the open plains of Africa.

Sabaa Tahir wrote “Your emotions make you human. Even the unpleasant ones have a purpose. Don’t lock them away. If you ignore them, they just get louder and angrier.”

The Transformative Journey into Truth and Awareness requires pain. This is why so many people give up before they even start the journey or shortly after starting. Emotions are a North Star: A guiding light. Steve Maraboli wrote "It is when I struggle that I strengthen. It is when challenged to my core that I learn the depth of who I am." So emotions lead you to Self awareness. This is how you come to know your Self. This is how you meet your soul, learn to love your Self and find unconditional love. Paul Domenik wrote "Pain introduces you to your highest Self."

Once you are awake, no-one can hurt you. Mahatma Gandhi said "Nobody can hurt me without my permission... I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet." Once you have had the courage to face all your buried emotional pain, which is the human condition, that is when you truly start to live. Neale Donald Walsch, the author of the trilogy 'The Complete Conversations With God: An Uncommon Dialogue' wrote "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." You become effervescent, energised, creative yet calm. You have expanded your consciousness and have access to Universal Intelligence, Truth and wisdom. You don't think this is for you? Confucius wrote “We have two lives, and the second begins when we realise we only have one.” John Keats wrote "Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul?" Turn your wounds into wisdom. Thank them. Feeling your emotions transmutes them: As Khalil Gibran wrote on 'Joy and Sorrow' in 'The Prophet' "Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy." So don't be sad about sorrow! It is the seed of joy.

Nagato wrote "Sometimes you must hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, lose in order to gain, because life’s greatest lessons are learnt through pain." Thibaut wrote "If experience is the mother of wisdom, pain is the father." Robert Gary Lee wrote simply that "Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain." Tim Fargo wrote "Don’t let pain define you, let it refine you." Truth is awareness of your true highest nature. Lord Byron wrote "Adversity is the first path to Truth." As Bill Wilson, who founded the 12-step movement said "Regardless of world success or failure, regardless of pain or joy, regardless of sickness or health or even of death itself, a new life of endless possibilities can be lived if we are willing to continue our awakening." The primary purpose of our life, indeed the sole purpose of our soul, is to awaken. Awakening necessitates facing your emotions and pain: Crying releases pent up emotions; Emotion is energy in motion.

When you awaken, the challenge is to be courageous enough to keep your course when those who are fast asleep and unaware are so self-righteous, yet they are just awake enough to try to manipulate you and use sham tactics, claim victim status, when this is a charade in order to get what they want (they are motivated by greed), are in denial, demonstrate projection, have such deep hypocrisy, and hide in the shadows, pretending to be someone that they are not or pretending not to be what they are. They are parasites of light. They are not victims, they are angry, arrogant, self-obsessed, belittling, controlling persecutors. This is driven by their lack of self-worth and trying to convince themselves they they are ok by trying to make everyone else not ok. They are praying mantises pretending to be other than they are. They are full of self-pity, discounting their accountability and responsibility for their situation. They destroy all their relationships and become very disconnected from authentic connection, from reality, retreating into the fugazi of illusion as internet Trolls. They are full of hate, but hate is a boomerang. Don't buy into the con. The key is that it matters not what they think as they are not actually thinking with wisdom or Truth. Their self-imposed incarceration in the prison of their mind is not your responsibility. They have created their own hell, and hate that you have found heaven through processing your emotions and becoming Self aware. Simply leave the Karpman Drama Triangle, which is based on Transactional Analysis by Eric Berne, don't take the bait, leave them in their snake pit, and remain fully present.

The Karpman Drama Triangle and how people destroy all their relationships. Leave the Drama Triangle, become present and aware, and join the Winner's Triangle, as described by Acery Choy

Shine your light. As Jesus said "And you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free." Roy T Bennett wrote "We are all different. Don’t judge, understand instead." It's amazing how peaceful life becomes when you realise that its not our responsibility to regulate or take on other people's emotions, pacify their inner wars, do their long overdue inner work for them and be the version of you that they want in their minds for their selfish purposes. Zoe Weil wrote "I am grateful to realise that my desires do not entitle me to add to another’s suffering." We all share the human condition. Oli Anderson wrote "The first step to empathy and compassion is realising the similarities between yourself and those that are suffering."

If you feel anger, which is a healthy emotion, you don't need to punch a wall or try to hurt someone. That's what children do in playgrounds. The best way to feel an emotion and let it go is to express it to another human being with authenticity, vulnerability, openness, honesty and love. Acknowledge the feelings, allow them and see them as part of the human condition. Spiritually, you don't act impulsively from your emotions. You just acknowledge them. You don't deny them though. You don't push them down. You acknowledge that you are angry, but you don't have to act on it. Inaction is action. Action doesn't have to be today. Just acknowledge it, you don't deny it. That's the key. You allow your negative emotions to be burnt in the light of awareness. You've cultivated another plane of reality which is being the one that notices as an observer and allows the feeling to pass like leaves floating on a river and behind it all is the quality of equanimity. Surrender the feeling. So, emotions work best when you also have another plane that is not emotional, running simultaneously alongside it: This is the seat of your soul. Getting lost in emotional reactivity from egoic conflict just digs a deeper karmic hole. Allowing your humanity, that's really a part of awakening. Simply allowing your humanity. You don't need to go to confession. You don't need to stifle your expression. You have nothing to prove. Nothing to be ashamed of. We all have chaos inside until we awaken. Friedrich Nietzsche wrote “One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.”Just BE.

Emotions may be as painful as a car crash

My psychiatrist said that out of fear for the pain "Those who put a brake on their emotions prevent their transmutation: So pain doesn't change into peace, despair doesn't turn into joy."

C.S. Lewis wrote "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." God punched me in the face to wake me up. I am very thankful for that punch. It's the best thing that has happened. He metaphorically crashed my car; derailed my train. At that time I was not awake enough or brave enough to do it myself.

When we are faced with unbearable emotions as children we bury them and become numb to the world: Emotions are buried alive. They won't stay down forever, although they make decades to resurface: It's like trying to keep a football under water indefinitely: You just can't do it. We don a suit of armour: An impregnable cladding to protect us from feeling pain. But this armour is a mask that doesn't allow our authenticity to surface, and prevents us from feeling our emotions. Trauma can prevent emotional awareness by causing someone to shut down emotionally. Other mental health conditions that might hinder you in understanding emotions include: post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD); major depressive disorder; generalised anxiety disorder and addiction.

There are two modalities to healing from trauma according to the 'Bible' of trauma by Bessel van der Kolk 'The Body Keeps The Score': Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) and yoga. EMDR is a structured therapy that encourages you to briefly focus on the traumatic memory while simultaneously experiencing bilateral stimulation (typically eye movements), which is associated with a reduction in the vividness and emotion associated with the trauma memories, explored in a safe setting. This is similar to the function of rapid eye movement dreams. You typically have six to eight sessions with a specialised therapist. Yoga works as it allows you to be present in the moment, and you stop living in the past and future. I have had EMDR and attend a variety of types of yoga around four to five times per week. In addition I meditate twice daily for 20 minutes and spend an hour in nature walking or running in the woods.

When you start psychodynamic therapy and are being assessed, the process can deeply trigger your emotions. My psychiatrist said that it turns emotions from "Honey into a bee hive": We go from numbness to acute pain. Emotions come alive again, after decades of bubbling up inside, and they feel raw like a fresh wound. The part of the brain that senses physical pain is the same part of the brain that feels emotional pain: It feels the same. Lieberman wrote "Social and physical pain are more similar than we imagine. We don't expect someone with a broken leg to 'just get over it.' Yet when it comes to the pain of social loss, this is a common - and mistaken - response." I have found this to be very true, even from supposed medical institutions that should have far more erudition, awareness, compassion and consciousness than they do. They too are asleep and full of egocentric fear. Rigid outdated institutions always fall.

One of my friends, who is a psychologist, compared the Transformative journey to being "Like recovering from a car crash: We are bleeding and our bones are broken. First we need to stop the bleeding, then we need to fix the bones. The bleeding is stopped using recovery techniques. To fix the bones we may need to break them to reset them, and this involves more pain and trauma treatment. Then comes the rehabilitation." Khalil Gibran wrote "Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Wear those scars with pride. They will serve you well and they will remind you how far you have come by how healed they are.

Learn to love your pain

Sarah J. Maas wrote "If you can learn to endure pain, you can survive anything. Some people learn to embrace it - to love it. Some endure it through drowning it in sorrow, or by making themselves forget. Others turn it into anger." As a 'civilisation' (I use inverted commas to highlight the irony of the word, as we are far from civilised) we run from fear and pain. James Baldwin said "I Imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain." This is why those who hate are most culpable of projection: They have so many skeletons in their closet that they don't want to admit to or face up to that they become obsessed with trying to find and rattle yours. As the Dalai Lama wrote “Happy people build their inner world; unhappy people blame their outer world.” Yup.

Morgan Freeman said "Calmness is mastery. You have to get to a point where your mood doesn't shift based on the insignificant actions of someone else. Don't allow others to control the direction of your life. Don't allow your emotions to overpower your intelligence." The best thing about the past is that it is in the past: It's done. As Brian Weiss wrote “Forgive the past. It is over. Learn from it and let it go. People are constantly changing and growing. Do not cling to a limited, disconnected, negative image of a person in the past. See that person now. Your relationship is always alive and changing.” Amit Ray wrote “It does not matter how long you are spending on the Earth, how much money you have gathered or how much attention you have received. It is the amount of positive vibration you have radiated in life that matters.”

For those habituated to high levels of internal stress since very early childhood, it is the absence of stress that creates unease, evoking boredom and a sense of meaninglessness. People may become addicted to their own stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol. To such people stress feels desirable, while the absence of it feels like something to be avoided. These people are addicted to negative thinking, drama, and negative emotions. It's hardly surprising as 'old school' book-guided psychiatry focusses on negative emotions and numbing them with drugs. Serenity, joy, love, and peace are positive 'spiritual' emotions and are achieved through the inner work described in this article.

Jim Morrison said "Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain." C.S. Lewis wrote "Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say ‘My tooth is aching’ than to say ‘My heart is broken.'" To say that "My heart is broken and I have inner work to do"is the bravest act in the world. It is also how we heal from the human condition. José N. Harris wrote "Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart."

Marianne Williamson quoted in her book 'Tears To Triumph: The Spiritual Journey From Suffering to Enlightenment' from The Tenth Elegy from Rainer Maria Rilke:

"That some day, emerging at last from the terrifying vision

I may burst into jubilant praise to assenting angels!

That of the clear-struck hammers of my heart not one may fail

to sound because of a loose, doubtful or broken string!

That my streaming face may make me even more radiant.

That my hidden weeping arise and blossom.

Oh, how will you then, nights of suffering, be remembered

with love. Why did I not kneel more fervently, inconsolable

sisters, more bendingly kneel to receive you, more loosely

surrender myself to your loosened hair? How we squander

our hours of pain. How we gaze beyond them to judge

the end of their bitter duration to see if they have an end.

They are really our winter's foliage, our dark evergreen,

one of the seasons in our inner year - not only a season in time,

but our place, settlement, foundation, soil and home."

So suffering is really a Grace, a blessing. It's just that we can't see it or see an end to it while we are in it. Edgar Allan Poe wrote "Never to suffer would never to have been blessed." Francis Bacon wrote "Prosperity is not without many fears and distastes, and adversity is not without comforts and hopes."

Despite all this we can challenge our distress: If our emotions are not helpful, changing our thoughts about them can regulate or transmute them. For example anxiety is not helpful: Could you replace it with excitement? After all they both feel the same.

Be patient with your emotions

"This too shall pass" is a Persian Sufi Poet adage translated and used in several languages. If ever I were to get a tattoo it would read that. It reflects on the temporary nature, or ephemerality, of the human condition: That neither the bad, nor good, moments in life ever last indefinitely. Even in the depths of despair, one can feel ok again within minutes. Ovid wrote "Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." Maxime Lagacé wrote "True discovery happens when you embrace the obstacle. Truth is for the patient, the enduring." Julius Caesar wrote "It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience." Khalil Gibran wrote "When I planted my pain in the field of patience it bore fruit of happiness." Take your time now. Let Nature take its course. Confucius wrote “It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.” Rainer Maria Rilke said "In the difficult are the friendly forces, the hands that work on us." Those hands are called Nature.

William Blake wrote:

"He who binds to himself a joy

Does the winged life destroy:

But he who kisses the joy as it flies

Lives in eternity's sunrise."

This short poem encapsulates a beautiful thought regarding life. It is easy to stay in ways of being that are safe and known. You “Bind yourself to a joy” so to speak and eventually it will not be the same anymore. By staying with something that once brought joy when it is time to move forward you clip your own wings in a symbolic sense: You cripple your ability to flow through the ups and downs, the emotions, that always accompany changes. Lose your attachments. Life is about change, literally nothing lasts - embracing new things and finding joy as it flies is a smoother way of going about it. Enjoy things in the moment while they last but don’t overdo it. The sun will set on all your endeavours - be open to find the next sunrise rather than staying out in the cold. Change is the only constant. It is darkest before the dawn: The dawn always comes. And it will be blazing.

Drop out of your mind and into your heart

Thoughts and emotions

Tracy Lord says in 'The Philadelphia Story' that "You're so much thought and so little feeling." You are living in the feeling of your thinking, not the feeling of your circumstances. Therefore don’t allow your feelings to control your thoughts. Your mood rules your day: Your day does not rule your mood. Even if it feels that way. The difference is inside you. So you don’t have to chase pleasant feelings or try to escape unpleasant ones. You don’t have a reality problem: You have a thinking problem. Don’t worry: It’s the human experience. Everyone does this until we awaken to the Truth. So you can stop making mountains out of molehills and monsters out of thin air. All thoughts are transient. You will wake up when you realise that you can only suffer from your own thinking; not from your circumstances. Our thoughts then change by themselves, weeding out negative thoughts through awareness. Your thinking is the only cause of your suffering. Let it go. Emotions are simply shadows of our thoughts. Stop charging up negative thoughts. Don’t board the train of thought to a destination that you don’t want to go to. Your thinking is only a variable guide to reality. Feelings, however, are a foolproof guide to our thinking. Don’t analyse or give power to your thoughts. You are the thinker, not the thoughts. The key is to feel your feelings and let them go. Jump off the train of negative thought and let the feelings go once you have felt them. Just stop thinking about your thoughts. Let them pass through like water through sand. Remain seated at your ‘seat of ease’. There is no need to get up and join the fight. What I think doesn’t matter. What other people think doesn’t matter. Surrender all judgement and you dissolve all negative thinking.

To feel emotions we allow them, we can speak vulnerably about them, meditate, write (journalling), or compose letters to your inner child and to your shadow. It is important to experience a shift from over-intellectualisation (which is a defence mechanism) as a coping mechanism, to feeling. Intellectualisation is a useful starting point so that you can put words to your feelings, but must be dropped out of to heal. Intellectualisation is a springboard to dive into healing - but you must then swim in your emotions to dissolve them. This will release your energy blockages and will let you ascend 'Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs' to Self-realisation (Enlightenment in Eastern traditions) and Self-actualisation. Edgar Allan Poe wrote "I remained too much inside my head and ended up losing my mind." Paulo Coelho wrote “You will never be able to escape from your heart. So it is better to listen to what it has to say.”

Transformation is a process, beginning with intellectualising it. As we have said, this is partly a defence mechanism: That by giving the pain of awakening a name, terminology, theory and concepts, it prepares us for the tough part: Namely feeling our emotions. We must swim in the vast ocean that is life. For many of us this may be the first time that we have felt our emotions since childhood, when we started burying them as they were unbearable.

So, Self-discovery is a process. Trust the process. Be comfortable with not knowing. That is Faith. More will be revealed, when you need it to be. You will be given the tools when you need them. Relax into it, one step and one day at a time. It's a moment-to-moment process and cannot be swallowed whole.

Hold to your core values (your foundation or bedrock), then surrender negative thoughts and also the outcomes of your actions. Committing to your journey is invaluable. You will 'work the land and plant your seeds' intellectually by working out who you are BEing. Then, let everything happen, digest, process, and allow Nature to take its course. Meditate. Stop. Nature will take care of the rest. If you stop planting (intellectualising) you will have time for, and be ready for, reaping your harvest. Honour the process of emotions coming out. Just BE. There is no need to DO. Let go of everything: The 'performance', your ego, your mask and of how people interpret your narrative (they are always false narratives and only you know the Truth). They are irrelevant as your worth does not depend on them and they see life through their self-imposed prison of fear. They see your life through the distorted lens of their own lives as they most likely will not have done any inner work. Your 'BEingness' is your value, and is the basis of your abundance in life. Your Transformation is priceless. Everything will grow from that. It’s only between you and the Universal Force/ Intelligence/ Creativity of your understanding. We break from our ego by taking action, which includes doing nothing. Inaction is an action. You will see the miracles in your life unfold when your ego stops fighting the Universe: When we slip into the unknown there is nothing for the ego to hold onto. Meditation is one of the biggest antidotes to staying stuck in your mind and allowing the emotions to surface, be felt, noted and then let go of. Intellectualisation, then, is like the lighting, and emotions are the thunder, that always come shortly after. Then comes the warm beautiful tropical rain that brings you joy and peace This new phase can never be reached until you have had the courage to face your emotions. In his book ‘Thus spoke Zarathustra‘ Friedrich Nietzsche wrote that “You must be ready to burn your self in your own flame. How could you become new if you had not first become ashes?” You will be born again and rise like the Phoenix.

Emotional competence requires the capacity to feel our emotions, so that we are aware when we are experiencing stress; the ability to express our emotions effectively and thereby to assert our needs and to maintain the integrity of our emotional boundaries; the facility to distinguish between psychological reactions that are pertinent to the present situation and those that represent pointless residues from the past.

If you have meaning in your life, a why, you can put up with any how

In the book ‘When Nietzsche Wept’ Friedrich Nietzsche said “I have black periods. Who has not? But they do not have me. They are not of my illness: But of my BEing. One might say I have the courage to have them.” He continued “Thinking back over several years, rarely have I had times of wellbeing that have persisted over two weeks… Despair - no - perhaps once true, but not now. My illness belongs to the domain of my body but it is not me. I am my illness and my body but they are not me. Both must be overcome not physically then metaphysically (philosophically)... My point of living is something entirely divorced from this. I have a why of living and can put up with any how. I have a mission - I am pregnant here (he tapped his temple) with books: Books almost fully formed. Books that only I can deliver.” Creativity is like communing with our higher Self and Universal Intelligence in the absence of judgment. Maya Angelou said "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."

Haruki Murakami wrote "I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning." Benjamin Franklin wrote "There are no gains without pains." There are no emotional pains without gains, once you are awake.

You have to feel to heal

As Yu Shun Lien said in 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' "To repress one's feelings only makes them stronger."

There are a number of ways you can work toward understanding emotions:

• Body scanning: When you’re feeling an emotion, linking it to a body sensation can help you understand it. Once you’ve identified the sensations, you can ask yourself what they’re trying to tell you. Then just listen for something very simple to arise. Go with that. Your intuition is now never wrong. Meditation and yoga are key here. Yoga can dive you into meditation, connect you with your feelings, and treat trauma.

• Be vulnerable: Join our 'VOICE for men' group and feel the power of your voice.

• Using a 'Feelings Wheel' (see section below on this): Understanding emotions may be easier if you have a pre-made list of ones to pick from as in the diagram below.

• Journalling and writing: It’s not always easy to corner free-floating thoughts in your mind. Writing is a great way to express stress, trauma and different emotions. To help work through understanding emotions, you can use a journal to articulate your thoughts. Writing may feel safer than telling someone else; It allows you to feel judgement free; creativity feels like communing with a Higher Power; writing prevents rumination and catastrophising. If you are feeling overwhelmed or anxious, this can be a good indicator that you need to STOP, be gentle with your Self and process your emotions. You can also write to your inner child and shadow, inviting them in to you.
  

Williams explains journaling can help get out raw emotions in several ways:

1. It feels safer than telling someone else

2. It allows you to be judgment-free

3. It prevents thought rumination

We are known in Britain for our 'sang froid' and for having a 'stiff upper lip' and as young boys we are told that "Boys don't cry". Sang froid comes from the French for 'cold blood'. James Bond, the archetypal British secret agent, definitely has sang froid. But to be able to be James Bond and to keep his 'cold blood' he numbs his feelings by being an alcoholic and a sex and love addict. However, as human beings we need to feel our feelings, not numb them. We shouldn't need to numb ourselves to make sure that when we are shaken, that we are not stirred. It's ok to be stirred. If fact it's more than ok, it's an essential part of healing from trauma and learning who you truly are. Reptiles have cold blood. They are not known for their compassion. If you're an English National, sang froid means that you are callous and unfeeling.

James Bond, his sang froid and his numbing compulsions

Someone who has a stiff upper lip does not show their feelings when they are upset: A person who is said to have a stiff upper lip displays fortitude and Stoicism in the face of adversity, or exercises great self-restraint in the expression of emotion. The phrase is most commonly heard as part of the idiom "Keep a stiff upper lip", and has traditionally been used to describe an attribute of British people in remaining resolute and unemotional when faced with adversity. A sign of fear is trembling of the upper lip, hence the saying 'Keep a "stiff" upper lip'. The idea of the stiff upper lip can be traced back to Ancient Greece, to the Spartans, whose cult of discipline was a source of inspiration to the English public school system during the Victorian era, and also the Stoics. Stoic ideas were adopted by the Romans, particularly the Emperor Marcus Aurelius, who wrote in his masterpiece 'Meditations', "If you are distressed by any external thing, it is not this thing which disturbs you, but your own judgment about it. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now." The concept of the stiff upper lip reached England around the 1600s. Examples of having a stiff upper lip include: During the Battle of Waterloo, the Earl of Uxbridge's calm assessment of his injuries (he had lost his leg), severe physical trauma, to the Duke of Wellington after being hit by a cannonball; In 1912, during the Terra Nova Expedition, Captain Lawrence Oates, aware that his own ill health was compromising his three companions' chances of survival, calmly leaving the tent and choosing certain death saying, "I am just going outside and may be some time." Those last words were said with sang froid and a stiff upper lip.

The poem 'If...' by Rudyard Kipling features a memorable evocation of Victorian Stoicism and the stiff upper lip:

'If...' by Rudyard Kipling:

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;

If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the will, which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

'If...' by Rudyard Kipling, read by Sir Michael Caine

The stiff upper lip also inspired William Ernest Henley to write the poem 'Invictus'. From the age of 12, Henley had tuberculosis of the bone that resulted in the amputation of his left leg below the knee in 1868–69. The early years of Henley's life were punctuated by periods of extreme pain due to the draining of his tuberculosis abscesses. He spent years in hospital. Here is his most famous poem:

'Invictus' by William Ernest Henley:

Out of the night that covers me, Black as the pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever Gods may be For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.

'Invictus' by William Ernest Henley, read by Morgan Freeman

Forming the subject matter of the "hospital poems" were often Henley's observations of the plights of the patients in the hospital beds around him. Specifically the poem "Suicide" depicts not only the deepest depths of the human emotions, but also the horrid conditions of the working class Victorian poor in Britain. As Henley observed first-hand, the stress of poverty and the vice of addiction pushed a man to the brink of human endurance. In part, the poem reads:

'Suicide' by William Ernest Henley:

Lack of work and lack of victuals, A debauch of smuggled whisky, And his children in the workhouse Made the world so black a riddle That he plunged for a solution; And, although his knife was edgeless, He was sinking fast towards one, When they came, and found, and saved him.

But you have to feel to heal. You have to embrace, then let go of your emotions to become the 'Captain of your soul.' Otherwise you will be driven to 'A debauch of smuggled whisky' and plunging for a mortal solution to your pain. Maxime Lagacé wrote "Embrace the feeling. Start the healing." Rumi wrote "The cure for pain is in the pain." Nature always provides an antidote. Eileen Mayhew wrote "Let your tears come, let them water your soul." Little boys, grown men, secret agents and soldiers, should be able to cry without being judged. If they are not allowed to cry, they will seek to numb their feelings in ways that hide their soul. Vulnerability is the key to Real Personal Power.

Anaïs Nin wrote "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." This is the moment that you are ready to begin your Transformative Journey. Carl Jung wrote "There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become Enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious."

Harlan Ellison wrote "For without pain, there can be no pleasure. Without sadness, there can be no happiness. Without misery there can be no beauty. And without these, life is endless, hopeless, doomed and damned. Adult. You have become adult."

Neil Strauss wrote "Trying to build a life where you never experience bad feelings is like building a ship that can’t handle a storm." Can you handle the storm and chaos that is life? You will learn to handle it once you allow your true Self to feel your emotions. Edgar Allan Poe wrote "It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom."

Paolo Coelho wrote "What hurts us is what heals us." So, as Winston Churchill said "If you are going through hell, keep going."

Suffering is optional

Markus Zusak wrote "Imagine smiling after a slap in the face. Then think of doing it twenty-four hours a day." The Buddha said "Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." Naval Ravikant echoed "Pain is a fact. Suffering is a choice." Thich Nhat Hahn wrote "Handling our suffering is an art. If we know how to suffer, we suffer much less, and we’re no longer afraid of being overwhelmed by the suffering inside."

Marcus Aurelius wrote "If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment." Rumi wrote "Don’t get lost in your pain, know that one day your pain will become your cure."

The Buddha said "The root of all suffering is attachment." By this he meant attachment to thoughts and emotions. Let go of any thought that does not bring joy with it. Although we have to feel to heal, that involves letting go of our emotions once they have cleared our inner scars and released our flow of energy. When it happened to me it was like a pop in my chest, like a pipe being released under pressure. Emotions unblock you if you let them transmute your pain into wellbeing.

Silence and stillness are key to healing

Eckhart Tolle wrote "Be the silent watcher of your thoughts and behaviour. You are beneath the thinker. You are the stillness beneath the mental noise. You are the love and joy beneath the pain." The key to finding stillness is silent meditation.

You are not your emotions

Emotions interpret the world for us. They have a signal function, telling us about our internal states as they are affected by input from the outside. Emotions are responses to present stimuli as filtered through the memory of past experience, and they anticipate the future based on our perception of the past.

Emotions are literally "e-motions", meaning they are 'energy in motion' in the form of feelings that need to move: Not staying stuck, festering and stagnating inside of you. So, do not make the mistake of assigning permanency to temporary feelings. Feel them as they come up. Note them. Sit with them, and then allow them to move through your body in a healthy manner. Let them unblock your energy centres (called chakras or prana in Eastern philosophy, but which are very reflective of the psychologist Abraham Maslow's 'Hiierarchy of Needs'. Chakras mark places where spiritual energies intersect. There is a wonderful book by Dan Millman, the Olympic athlete turned spiritual coach, called 'Sacred Journey of the Peaceful Warrior,' which describes these energy centres and how they relate to our awakening. The original meaning of the Sanskrit word Chakra is "wheel" and refers to the chariot wheels of the rulers, called cakravartins. The term is defined as a spinning disk or wheel of energy that runs along the spine. In between these wheels are energy channels, which allow the energy to flow from one place to another. The health of one's Chakras is directly connected to the physical, mental, and emotional well being of a person. These energy blocks (also known as Samskaras) are described beautifully in one of my favourite books 'Living Untethered' by Michael Singer. Blocks in the energy flow must be released through feeling the associated emotions and learning the lessons that they are teaching us. Let the energy blocks go when the time is right for you through yoga, movement, breath work, meditation, or any other way that works for you. Remember, you are not your emotions, you are the medium experiencing them.

Connecting with your true Self

Learning to control your emotions when difficulties arise allows us a potent way to take ownership of your body and mind. It's a way to connect to your Soul. Here are the ways to connect with your true Self:

• Check-in with yourself regularly (ask your inner child who is the 7-year old you that lives inside you "How are you and what do you need today?");

• Sit in silent meditation;

• Focus on your breath;

• Feel your feelings from an observant state, simply noting them;

• Don't get up from the 'seat of your soul' (Respond and lean away: Don't react to egoic conflict);

• Stream of consciousness journaling, writing and creativity:

• Morning rituals such as yoga sun salutations, prayer and meditation;

• Mindfulness of thoughts (Keep saying to your Self "I AM" during routine tasks);

• Movement & exercise from a place of Self-love not self-hate;

• When we meet adversity and can overcome it;

• Compassionate connection with a compassionate community;

• Regulate your nervous system to being calm and alert;

• Find a sense of a higher purpose and meaning;

• Work on awareness all the time - it's our primary purpose in life;

• Resilience is 'response flexibility' - the ability to change a behaviour - this requires the processing of your emotions;

• Resilience is innate. We can learn how to cultivate it;

• Spiritual practice strengthens our innate resilience;

• Darwin said it’s not the strongest species that survive: it’s the one that is most adapted to change;

• Understand deeply that you can learn and change your behaviour and that the brain changes all the time.

When we uphold & connect to our true Selves, we're able to forge & restore a path home. Our self-constructed imagined stories begin to drop & and we start living our Truth and highest path.

Connection is vital to us

Johann Hari wrote in 'Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression - and the Unexpected Solutions' that "For every one of the social and psychological causes of depression and anxiety they have discovered something in common: They are all forms of disconnection. They are all ways in which we have been cut off from something we innately need but seem to have lost along the way." Dr Dan Siegel wrote "The Brain is a social organ, and our relationships with one another are not a luxury but an essential nutrient for our survival." This was why COVID revealed such a high prevalence of mental illness: When we isolated we became disconnected.

A shift to positive emotions is required

There is so much hatred in the world. This is merely an expression of fear. The medicine that our world most needs is compassion, in order to create unconditional Self-acceptance and foster caring for our own BEing.

Become your own best friend

Do you know who you really are and love your true Self? The ego is who you think you are. Your soul is who you really are. You are not deficient. You are a light: A leader. If you can face your pain you can embark on a path of healing. Accept that the pain is not who you are.

I have a new gentleness towards myself and am working on being compassionate with myself. I am coming home to my Self and living from my true Self. We are all leading each other home. Don’t add judgement. It's not for any one human being to judge another. How could anyone believe that it would be? Otherwise we are no more than traumatised people traumatising other traumatised people. There is nonsense and cruelty in that. Being with our wounded places is the key to Self-compassion and awakening out of the trance of unworthiness.

Choose your own way, with your new best friend: You. Viktor E. Frankl wrote in 'Man's Search for Meaning'"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." 'Man’s Search for Meaning' is the deeply moving autobiographical book written by world-renowned psychiatrist Viktor E. Frankl. Frankl suffered immeasurable torture and depravity at the hands of Nazi soldiers during World War II. It was during this horrific time in his life that he started to develop the highly effective psychotherapy known as logotherapy. This book explore Frankl’s remarkable life story and his belief that at the very core of what it means to be human lies an unending search for meaning. Between 1942 and 1945 Frankl laboured in four different concentration camps, including Auschwitz, while his parents, brother, and pregnant wife perished. Based on his own experience and the experiences of those he treated in his practice, Frankl argues that we cannot avoid emotional pain, but we can choose how to cope with it, find meaning in it, and move forward with renewed purpose.

The Feelings wheel

What is the Feelings Wheel?

The Feelings Wheel allows you to unlock the power of your emotions. It facilitates learning how to understand and process your emotions, increase self-awareness, enhance emotional communication, and boost your wellbeing. Sometimes feelings can be big and intense, and other times they’re quiet, buried away, and harder to recognise.

If you’re feeling frustrated and angry, it might be difficult to point to just one feeling, but having several to choose from may help you to zero in on exactly what’s going on inside. Enter: The Feelings Wheel. The brainchild of Dr. Gloria Willcox, the Feelings Wheel can help us put words to our emotions and to care for our mental health. The Feelings Wheel offers a unique and nuanced approach to identifying and comprehending emotions. It’s a tool that allows individuals to better navigate their inner emotional landscapes and foster healthier emotional intelligence.

Dr. Gloria Wilcox's Feelings Wheel draws from a diverse range of disciplines, including psychology, neuroscience, and linguistics. The Feelings Wheel organises the different dimensions of feelings we may have into several categories and subcategories to help you pinpoint exactly how you’re feeling, which can be helpful, especially if you’re overwhelmed by your emotions or in a heated communication.

At first glance, the Feelings Wheel resembles a colour wheel, with concentric circles representing different layers of emotions. The Wheel is divided into primary emotions, secondary emotions, and tertiary emotions. Each layer delves deeper into the nuances of emotional experiences, allowing individuals to pinpoint their feelings with remarkable precision. Emotions are categorised as below:

• Primary emotions: The innermost circle of the wheel consists of broad primary emotions, such as happiness, sadness, anger, and fear. These emotions serve as the fundamental building blocks of our emotional experiences. They provide a general sense of how we are feeling, acting as a starting point for further exploration.

• Secondary emotions: As we move outward, the wheel introduces secondary emotions that stem from the primary emotions. These emotions offer a more nuanced understanding of our feelings. For example, under the primary emotion of anger, secondary emotions like frustration, annoyance, and resentment can be found. This layer acknowledges that emotions are rarely singular; they often manifest as a complex blend of various feelings.

• Tertiary emotions: The outermost layer of the Feelings Wheel unveils tertiary emotions, which are the most specific and detailed emotions one can experience. These emotions capture the subtle distinctions that make each emotional experience unique. Under frustration, for instance, tertiary emotions might include impatience, exasperation, or agitation.

The Feelings Wheel can serve as a guide to understand the intricate web of emotions we all feel and their interconnectedness with other emotions. It’s a powerful tool that can help you explore your feelings more deeply and also express them more accurately so you can get the support you need, or simply process whatever emotions you’re navigating. Clear and accurate communication of emotions is pivotal in maintaining healthy connections with others. With the Feelings Wheel, you can effectively communicate your emotional states, enabling your loved ones or colleagues to respond to you with empathy and support. This tool helps break down barriers in conversations and fosters open dialogue about feelings. Being able to reflect on our emotions can benefit our emotional growth and wellbeing. The Feelings Wheel serves as a mirror that reflects the intricate tapestry of emotions within us.

As you explore the various segments of the Wheel, you may discover emotions that you hadn't previously recognised or considered. This exploration cultivates increased Self-awareness, allowing you gain insight into your thoughts and behaviours. Emotionally regulating oneself is a fundamental aspect of mental wellbeing. The Feelings Wheel aids in this process by helping you to identify and label your emotions, which is the first step towards managing them. When we can pinpoint our emotions, we are better equipped to implement strategies for emotional regulation. This might involve techniques like mindfulness, box breathing (breathe in 4 seconds, hold 4 seconds, out 4 seconds, hold 4 seconds, and repeat), or engaging in activities that align with your corresponding emotional needs. The Feelings Wheel validates the diverse range of emotions we experience and can help us better pinpoint our triggers. It helps us understand that our emotional responses are valid and normal, which is especially important in cultures or environments that might stigmatise certain emotions. This validation fosters a sense of empowerment, encouraging individuals to embrace their feelings without judgment and also to better learn how to manage them when they come up. Once you know exactly what you’re feeling then you can start communicating it either to yourself, your partner, or someone else in your support system.

Expressing emotions can be a challenging task, especially when words fall short of capturing the complexity of feelings we’re having. Expressing emotions is key to letting go of them and also in building authentic loving connection with others. Once you’ve expressed your feelings you can take action, or not. By accurately identifying our emotions, we can better understand the triggers and underlying causes of our feelings. This insight empowers you to manage your emotional responses more effectively, reducing impulsive reactions and promoting thoughtful, measured responses.

The 'Feelings Wheel'

Are emotions the same as feelings?

Many people use the terms “feeling” and “emotion” as synonyms, but they are not interchangeable. While they have similar elements, there is a difference between feelings and emotions.

Feelings. Both emotional experiences and physical sensations - such as hunger or pain -bring about feelings. Feelings are a conscious experience, although not every conscious experience, such as seeing or believing, is a feeling.

Emotions. An emotion “Can only ever be felt… Through the emotional experiences it gives rise to, even though it might be discovered through its associated thoughts, beliefs, desires, and actions.” Emotions are not conscious but instead manifest in the unconscious mind.

A fundamental difference between feelings and emotions is that feelings are experienced consciously, while emotions manifest either consciously or subconsciously. Some people may spend years, or even a lifetime, not understanding the depths of their emotions.

Emotions are often confused with feelings and moods, but the three terms are not interchangeable. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), emotion is defined as “A complex reaction pattern, involving experiential, behavioural and physiological elements.” Emotions are how individuals deal with matters or situations they find personally significant. Emotional experiences have three components: a subjective experience, a physiological response and a behavioural or expressive response.

Feelings arise from an emotional experience. Because a person is conscious of the experience, this is classified in the same category as hunger or pain. A feeling is the result of an emotion and may be influenced by memories, beliefs and other factors.

A mood is described by the APA as “Any short-lived emotional state, usually of low intensity.” Moods differ from emotions because they lack stimuli and have no clear starting point. For example, insults can trigger the emotion of anger while an angry mood may arise without apparent cause.

There is no complete definition of emotions yet and researchers are still working on this. The physiological and behavioural responses associated with emotions illustrate that emotion is much more than a mental state. Emotion affects our whole demeanour and our health. Furthermore, our ability to understand others’ behavioural responses plays a huge role in our emotional intelligence.

Subjective experiences: All emotions begin with a subjective experience, also referred to as a stimulus, but what does that mean? While basic emotions are expressed by all individuals regardless of culture or upbringing, the experience that produces them can be highly subjective. Interestingly, studies have shown autonomic physiological responses are strongest when a person’s facial expressions most closely resemble the expression of the emotion they’re experiencing. In other words, facial expressions play an important role in responding accordingly to an emotion in a physical sense.

Physiological experiences: We all know how it feels to have our heart beat fast with fear. This physiological response is the result of the autonomic nervous system’s reaction to the emotion we’re experiencing. The autonomic nervous system controls our involuntary bodily responses and regulates our fight-or-flight response. According to many psychologists, our physiological responses are likely how emotion helped us evolve and survive as humans throughout history.

Behavioural responses: The behavioural response aspect of the emotional response is the actual expression of the emotion. Behavioural responses can include a smile, a grimace, a laugh or a sigh, along with many other reactions depending on societal norms and personality. Behavioural responses are important to signal to others how we’re feeling, but research shows that they’re also vital to individuals’ wellbeing. A study in the 'Journal of Abnormal Psychology' found that while watching negative and positive emotional films, suppression of behavioural responses to emotion had physical effects on the participants. The effects included elevated heart rates. This suggests that expressing behavioural responses to stimuli, both positive and negative, is better for your overall health than holding those responses inside. Thus, there are benefits of smiling, laughing and expressing negative emotions in a healthy way. Goodbye to stiff upper lip, sang-froid and 'boys don't cry.'

In emotional psychology, emotions are split into two groups: basic and complex.

Basic emotions are associated with recognisable facial expressions and tend to happen automatically. Charles Darwin was the first to suggest that emotion-induced facial expressions are universal. This suggestion was a centrepiece idea to his theory of evolution, implying that emotions and their expressions were biological and adaptive. In fact, emotions have been observed in animals by researchers for several years, suggesting that they’re pivotal to survival in other species as well. Basic emotions are likely to have played a role in our survival throughout human evolution, signalling to those around us to react accordingly.

Emotional psychologist Paul Ekman identified six basic emotions that could be interpreted through facial expressions. They included happiness, sadness, fear, anger, surprise and disgust. He expanded the list in 1999 to also include embarrassment, excitement, contempt, shame, pride, satisfaction and amusement, though those additions have not been widely adapted.

List of the six basic emotions:

• Sadness

• Happiness

• Fear

• Anger

• Surprise

• Disgust

Complex emotions are defined as “Any emotion that is an aggregate of two or more others.” The APA uses the example of hate being a fusion of fear, love and anger.

There are many theories of emotion, some of them historical. Stanley Schachter and Jerome E. Singer, introduced the element of reasoning into the process of emotion. The Schachter-Singer Theory hypothesises that when we experience an event that causes physiological arousal, we try to find a reason for the arousal. Richard Lazarus pioneered the Cognitive Appraisal Theory of emotion, where, similarly, thinking must occur before experiencing emotion. Thus, a person would first experience a stimulus, think, and then simultaneously experience a physiological response and the emotion. What all theories of emotion have in common is the idea that an emotion is based off some sort of personally significant stimulus or experience, prompting a biological and psychological reaction.

The benefits of understanding emotion

As discussed, emotions have helped humans evolve and survive. According to Ekman, who developed the Feelings Wheel, “It would be very dangerous if we didn’t have emotions. It would also be a very dull life. Because, basically, our emotions drive us - excitement, pleasure, even anger.” That is why it’s important that we’re able to understand emotions as they play such an important role in how we behave.

Ekman argues that emotions are fundamentally constructive. They are influenced by what is good for our species overall and what we learned during our upbringing. They guide our behaviour in a way that should lead us to a positive outcome. However, emotions can become destructive if the emotions we’ve learned are the correct response no longer fit our situation, or if subconscious emotions cause reactions that we are unable to understand. Being in touch with your emotions and turning your understanding into action is called emotional awareness. Being able to do this with others as well is referred to as emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive, control and evaluate emotions. The term was first coined by researchers Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer and found popularity through Dan Goleman’s 1996 book. They define it as the ability to recognise, understand and manage our own emotions as well as recognise, understand and influence those of others. The study of emotional intelligence has gained much popularity since the mid-1990s, with business professionals, relationship coaches and more using the term to encourage others to improve their lives. Many researchers believe that emotional intelligence can be improved over time, while some argue that it’s a trait we’re born with or without. Most spiritual teachers would say that it's not for anyone to try to influence the emotions of others: We should just work on ourselves.

How do emotions relate to thought?

Your thoughts are not you. Feelings aren't facts. Fears are not facts. We have 60,000 thoughts per day. Most of them are repetitive and negative. Your mind is not you. Your soul is you. Your soul resides in the heart. You latch on to some of your repetitive thoughts, which become your ‘thinking’. These negative thoughts cause negative emotions, which are simply the body’s way of commenting on the quality of those thoughts. Simply note the thoughts and the feelings. Then you will feel bliss, which is the formless energy that you feel when you are aligned to your purpose or when you are in Nature. You have access to it any time and anywhere. You will eventually feel this all the time: This is Enlightenment. For my recommended reading on awakening (with links to Audible) click here:

Click Me For My Suggested Reading

Emotions may arise spontaneously, which our minds interpret as real. For example if you wake up feeling anxious you then search for a negative thought in your mind which is associated with fear. These are not your thoughts. Only the heart can guide you to Truth, wisdom, and healing. Your mind leads you to hell, and your heart leads you to heaven.

Non-attachment is letting go of the thoughts and emotions that create suffering. Once you can stop being so attached to your thoughts, you will experience tremendous relief, inner peace and a pervasive 'BEingness'

Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so

William Shakespeare wrote in 'Hamlet' There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." Accepting the 'isness' of the present moment is the road to peace. As Dr Wayne Dyer wrote “Peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.” So there is no difference between 'positive' and 'negative' emotions once you are awakened: Both are simply opportunities to grow and develop presence.

As Einstein said "I, at any rate, am convinced that God does not throw dice."

There is a Taoist Zen story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbours came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically. “Maybe it is, maybe it isn't,” the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbours exclaimed. “Maybe it is, maybe it isn't,” replied the old man. The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbours again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. “Maybe it is, maybe it isn't,” answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbours congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. “Maybe it is, maybe it isn't,” said the farmer...

What do emotions teach us?

Experiencing an emotion is your body’s way of relaying information to your consciousness. This experience of feeling then causes a cascade of other important processes that help you grow, learn, and ultimately survive. Emotional awareness is the ability to identify emotions in your Self and in others.

Ram Dass, the Harvard psychiatrist turned spiritual guru, said that "Emotions are a doorway." You are not your thought and you are not your emotions. You are the cinema screen and thoughts and emotions are the movie that is projected onto the screen.

Emotions teach us where we need to grow next. It is only once we have felt our emotions that we can let go of them and learn valuable lessons in growth. The pain is where you will grow next.

Emotions are like learned visitors - teaching us, and moving on once you have learned the lesson. If you don't learn the lesson they keep coming back until you do. If you don't pay attention to them, you may not wake up at any point in your whole life. You will have existed in fear and never actually started to live your life.

Emotions may have a basis in survival-oriented learning, but they also serve as an important tool for building relationships with others.

What is the spiritual solution to healing emotional distress?

Healing from intergenerational trauma

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." This gives us the possibility that, as Jean de le Bruyère wrote “Out of difficulties grow miracles.” Our deep pain often results from intergenerational trauma. By that I mean that we unconsciously pass down our own childhood trauma to our children, and they pass it on to their children, and so on. It takes great courage to say "This stops with me." We should not blame our parents as they were unconscious. The blame game has no winners. Letting go of judgement and resentment are crucial. We may also need to deal with our suppressed anger against them in an assertive way, by feeling it and expressing it. Our parents didn't know how to love us unconditionally, as they were never loved unconditionally. Fear, shame and guilt are such destructive toxic emotions. It’s important to give them some time, but more important to blow them away once we have noted them. We are spiritual beings on a human journey, we are meant to make mistakes, it’s how we grow and learn. My psychiatrist told me that the best way to deal with such emotions is to connect with other people who you trust, in an open and honest, vulnerable way and speak to them about how you feel. You don't need to punch a wall or become a persecutor. If you do that you will find your self very alone very quickly.

In addition to EMDR, which I have described above, and is issued via specially trained psychotherapists, ideally those that already know you, and yoga, healing from deep emotional distress requires a holistic approach, which brings together elements of positive psychology, philosophy and spirituality: This is Transformative Life Coaching (TLC). Click here for my Ultimate Guide to TLC:

Click Me for TLC

Compassion and real love

Compassion and real unconditional love are the greatest powers in the Universe. They are the only real forces and so are the only things that you can give to someone else. Jane Goodall wrote "We have so far to go to realise our human potential for compassion, altruism, and love." Kris Franken wrote "When you open the floodgates to love, you gently, compassionately, and powerfully transmute everything based in fear into love." Self-compassion will give you your voice. Brené Brown wrote "Courage gives us a voice, and compassion gives us an ear. Without both, there is no opportunity for empathy and connection." Love conquers all: Sophocles wrote "One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love."

Brandon Sanderson wrote "There is beauty in compassion, but one must learn wisdom, too." This can only be done through experiential feeling: Through your heart. Catharine Carrigan wrote "A simple way to access compassion is to see with the eye of your heart." This will give you all the wisdom that you will need to find joy, peace, love, and abundance.

Joseph Campbell, who described the 'Hero's Journey', the ultimate metaphor for personal Transformation, wrote "The fundamental human experience is that of compassion." So the only thing to be saved from is the insane thinking that dominates this planet: We are not of this world. Therefore as children of these Universal creative forces (some people call this a Higher Power, or God, but they are just other names for love) we need not suffer the confines of this world. We avail ourselves of quantum possibilities and real miracles that would not otherwise occur. We simply need to change our perception and choices to replace fear with love. As The Dalai Lama said in the book 'The Art of Happiness' "Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive... If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." Steve Maraboli wrote "A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal." Pema Chödrön wrote "Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognise our shared humanity." We are all one and we all have a shared humanity and share in the human condition, which is that we are limitless beings being held back by our limiting beliefs. The Dalai Lama wrote "Ultimately humanity is one, and this small planet is our only home. If we're to protect this home of ours, each of us needs to experience a vivid sense of universal altruism and compassion." Donna Maltz wrote "When our beliefs come from a foundation of love and compassion, a just society will rise."

Click Me For Compassion

Click Me For Love

Amit Ray wrote "Compassion is all-inclusive. Compassion knows no boundaries. Compassion comes with awareness, and awareness breaks all narrow territories... The light of compassion opens the petals of the heart. When the petals of the heart unfold fragrance spreads across the valley." The real you is love, unaffected and unalterable by that which is not love (the dysfunctional world). Dismantling the ego is the path to Enlightenment. The ego is replaced by the mind of spirit which is love. The little me is replaced with the true authentic me. Stop playing so big, you are not so small. I have found that the path to Enlightenment is the only real cure cure for our suffering. Our resistance to love can be very strong. The power of love cannot and will not fail. This is the peace that passes all understanding - its a feeling. It’s miraculous and safe.

A holistic approach to healing deep emotional pain is the new frontier

Albert Camus, the existential Philosopher, wrote "I have no idea what's awaiting me, or what will happen when this all ends. For the moment I know this: There are sick people and they need curing." If you have a healer who is not holistic and 'poo-poos' the power of transformation, I would advise running away as fast as you can: For they are coming from books not the human experience, and are protecting their 'turf' rather than trying to guide you to becoming emotionally well. Tiffany Madison wrote "Nothing renews my Faith in humanity more than the exchange of compassion so profound that mere words cannot embrace it." Truth is a feeling beyond words.

I have had extensive psychiatric treatment (which gives you medication when the pain is too much to bear to work on your Self), countless hours of psychotherapy (which unravels you and allows you to see where your psychological problems lie and understand why you are as you are), psychodynamic therapy (which gives you insight into your deepest fears - the fears behind your fears), eight sessions of EMDR (for my childhood trauma), engaged with and run 12-step recovery work (to change from self-centred fear and seeking external validation to authenticity and wholeness), and I practice yoga and meditation daily and spend much time in nature every day. I have read hundreds of books on philosophy and timeless Truths. Yet after all this I still felt unravelled. I then saved my own life through coaching in regards to spiritual matters. I have had hundreds of hours of coaching. I continue to have my own coach as I believe so much in its power. This allows you to see that "All is well." I believe that we all need all of these steps. We all need an Enlightened Witness. We just don't know that we need to take this journey until we start to wake up. We all are on this journey: We just don't always know it yet. Most of us never wake up until we are on our death bed, but then you have had a life unlived. Modern psychiatrists understand the need for all these steps. The older dinosaur psychiatrists don't understand that simply numbing someone's pain will never allow anyone to heal, recover and become full of joyful Self-awareness. Coaching allows you to see that you are not broken and creates miraculous possibilities for your life, free of your limiting assumptions about your Self.

Your problem is not the outside world. It’s your inability for your heart to express the full range of emotions. Do you want to devote yourself to controlling the outside world so you don’t have to deal with emotions that you can’t handle or do you want to devote your life to doing the inner work so that you can handle anything that life throws at you? Your vulnerability will be your strength. Any suppressed emotion will come out in different ways, sometimes decades later. You become that emotion by not handling your hearts full expression of it. Every experience makes you grow if you don't resist it. Simply witness what is in front of you. Grief is simply acceptance: You are not clinging to it or suppressing it. It doesn’t stay. This is what Freud taught. It was also taught thousands of years ago in the Upanishads. Why does this stand the test of time? Because it’s the Truth. And you know it. Simply trust the process and be at peace with a sense of gratitude. Your work is all on the inside. Then you will get everything you need. You can see this intellectually. You need to let go and truly know it, by feeling it. Your terrified ego mind does not want to accept that Truth. We need to accept reality rather than fighting it. That is the source is true personal power. Your ego will not solve your problems. So you have one choice to make: Either you devote your life to changing the outside world to match your limiting beliefs or you let go. You have trust in the stars, the moon and oxygen: Can you not have trust in energy and love?

How to find peace and become Self-aware

Three elements are required (Note the acronym JAR): Non-judgement, non-attachment, and non-resistance.

Surrender means to let go of resentment and judgement and to let go of trying to control people, places, events and things to make us happy - they won't. This is also called emotional sobriety. It means to surrender to the power of the Universe: To surrender to love. Forgiveness transmutes fear to peace.

Non-attachment is letting go of thoughts and emotions that create suffering, which is what this article is all about.

Non-resistance is acceptance of what is, which brings space and the transcendence of conditioning and brings peace.

Positive emotions and spirituality: The evidence

Emotions provide a much better gateway to the spiritual dimension of our lives than beliefs. The spiritual dimension looms largest in extreme situations, when someone is faced with great challenges or a major loss. Unsurprisingly, the path to positive feelings often lies through more adverse emotions, such as foreboding, even terror. Stark bewilderment, rage, deep shame, self-blame, and intense sorrow may also be provoked. This is part of the natural order of human life. The wise approach is to trust the process of emotional healing and growth toward maturity. Ultimately, surrender, acceptance of loss, and vulnerability brings the necessary ‘catharsis’. This release of emotions is uncomfortable, such as when sadness is accompanied by tears. People often resist crying, and apologise for it; but it is an essential part of the healing process. When the storm of grief does eventually pass, however long it takes, serenity is restored. A new level of happiness, contentment, and equanimity arises, and with this – often unexpectedly, after a period of considerable struggle – feelings of humility, gratitude, and wonder. Renewed clarity, as bewilderment and confusion subside, reveals a new level of spiritual understanding, of wisdom. Recognition that everyone else faces similar troubles in their lives increases compassion and loving-kindness towards others.

Feeling bad about feeling bad is one kind of problem. For example, some people are deeply averse to anger. It scares them. When a situation arises to provoke anger, anxiety rapidly takes over instead. This short-circuits the natural process of energy flow through the full spectrum of emotions. Anger is necessary for resistance, so such people are at a disadvantage. Worse, their anxiety and inability to fight back against loss and injustice can give rise to a handicapping degree of shame. Feeling good about bad feelings is the reverse of the same problem. So, on the other hand, rather than being averse to anger, some people are attached to it. An attachment to anger thus covers up a wish to avoid shame as well as doubt. It protects against other emotions, like anxiety and sadness, too - but at a price. When a person’s emotional life defaults towards anger, this has destructive consequences for the person concerned. There are consequences where others are concerned too. People may feel unduly coerced and bullied, and seek to avoid those who seem unreasonably – and ultimately selfishly – angry much of the time. When any of the other emotions are similarly strongly either preferred or avoided, there are similarly negative repercussions. Excessive shame (in today’s terminology, ‘low self-esteem’) is a painful problem for many. An excessive sense of self-worth, on the other hand, soon leads to quick-tempered vanity. What can be done? How can we learn to accept our emotions as they arise, change in nature and intensity, and eventually fade? How can we learn to be less attached to some and averse to others? Problem recognition is the first step: knowing that something needs to be remedied. This means paying close attention to our own emotional profile. Which emotions do we prefer, and which do we try to avoid? This, in itself, is beneficial. Seeking help, finding an effective remedy and making a commitment to change come next. Using that remedy on a regular, disciplined basis will lead towards progress and maturity. This is certain, just as wound healing is certain if the wound is kept clean, free of infection, and dressed regularly. Nature takes care of it. What are the remedies? Formal psychological treatments (which are all forms of psychoanalysis) can work, and so can spiritual practices. They may also be combined. For example Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and other, more intensive forms of psychotherapy, can be effective; but better results have been described when meditation exercises are included, as with ‘mindfulness-based CBT’. For those who are not clinically ill with anxiety or depression, mindfulness alone, that is the regular practice of meditation in one of various forms, may be sufficient to produce the looked-for benefits associated with emotional and spiritual growth. Its effect, though gradual, is not to be underestimated.

One of the differences between the psychological literature and the spiritual literature on emotions is that the latter focus on positive emotions far more than does the established medical literature.There are a wide variety of positive emotions, including joy, gratitude, serenity (contentment), hope, peace, inspiration, compassion, awe, wonder, or love.

According to the Broaden-and-Build Theory of Positive Emotions (Fredrickson, 2013), feeling momentary positive emotions broadens one’s mindset (momentary repertoire of thoughts and actions) and enables one to think and act more creatively. In addition, positive emotions may have an “undoing effect” (Fredrickson et al., 2000, p. 237) on negative emotions. The effects of negative emotions often linger after the negative circumstances that caused the negative emotions are no longer present, but the experience of positive emotions speeds up recovery from these lingering effects (Fredrickson et al., 2000).

Yet positive emotions do not all have the same qualities and effects (Fredrickson, 2013; Sauter, 2010). One subset of positive emotions is called self-transcendent positive emotions, because they have a self-transcendent quality to them. These emotions include awe, gratitude, love, compassion, and wonder. Self-transcendent emotions are a subset of self-transcendent experiences, and as such, they are “marked by decreased self-salience (humility) and increased feelings of connectedness” (Yaden et al., 2017, p. 143). Indeed, Haidt (2003) has described them as emotions that rise above self-interest and often are associated with the welfare of others. Positive emotions can therefore refocus our purpose on serving others.

Daily experiences of spirituality are positively related to happiness (Ellison & Fan, 2008), and deep religious and mystical experiences are often accompanied by intense positive emotions such as joy, peace, and reverence (Yaden et al., 2017). In general, spiritual people value positive emotions more than people who are less religious do (Vishkin et al., 2019).

In addition, spirituality affects emotion-regulation strategies. Emotion regulation refers to the process in which people monitor and manage what emotions they have, when they have those emotions, and how they interpret, experience, and express them (Gross & Thompson, 2007). Research has found evidence of relationships between religion/spirituality and two adaptive emotion-regulation strategies: situational acceptance and cognitive reappraisal (Vishkin et al., 2019).

First, people who are spiritual tend to think of themselves as existing within a larger system that is organised by a higher order. They believe that instead of fighting against this order, they should learn to live harmoniously with it. Hence, people with higher (vs. lower) religion/spirituality are apt to use situational acceptance as an emotion regulation strategy, allowing them to come to terms with a given situation and gain secondary control by adjusting their mindsets.

Second, people who are religious or spiritual also tend to perceive their experiences (both personally significant events and seemingly mundane daily occurrences) as part of a larger meaning system. This tendency to reinterpret emotional events coincides with a specific emotion regulation strategy called cognitive reappraisal, which involves reframing an emotional event by changing its perceived meaning (Gross & John, 2003). This adaptive strategy allows spiritual people to think of their negative experiences differently and to look actively for the silver lining around the cloud, which often leads to positive emotional outcomes (Gross & John, 2003).

Spiritual practices such as meditation and prayer provide opportunities to experience positive emotions. Many studies, including longitudinal studies of novice meditation practitioners, indicate that meditation increases positive emotions in the moment and in daily life (Fredrickson et al., 2017; Fredrickson et al., 2008). Similarly, the practice of prayer (Lambert et al., 2009) increases feelings of gratitude over time (see Long & VanderWeele, Chap. 25, this volume).

The body plays a central role in prayer, meditation, and yoga. Postures both express and construct people’s emotional experiences. This reciprocal relationship between body and affect is supported by decades of research in affective science (Barrett & Lindquist, 2008) and grounded cognition (Winkielman et al., 2015). For example, expansive and upright postures are associated with positive feelings, whereas constrictive and slumped postures are related to negative emotions (LaFrance & Mayo, 1978). By comparison, postures representing confession and repentance were more constrictive and oriented downward, similar to postures representing negative emotions and submission (Van Cappellen & Edwards, 2021b). What does this mean? Spirituality, unlike the findings in traditional psychological studies of emotions and in religious settings, which focus more on negative emotions, are associated with positive emotions, which enhance health and wellbeing. Positive emotions that are experienced during spiritual practices and accumulated over time will gradually build enduring psychological, biological, and social resources (Fredrickson, 2013),

Are you ready to be reborn?

Antoine de Saint-Exupery wrote “A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born.” Jesus said "I tell you the Truth, no one can enter the Kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, `You must be born again'. We must die a psychological death in preparation to be reborn as we truly are. The essence of who you really are is far more magnificent than the self that your ego has created and that it projects into the world as your identity. In this sense, death is not a physical death but the stripping away of all that is not you; It is the mighty act of releasing and forgiving a myriad of half-baked truths that have become your internal reality. The ego creates the false self and it is the ego, not you, which identifies with it. Death of the ego is when that bubble bursts and you see your Self as you truly are, and in that moment you will know that you are much more than you have ever experienced before.

As long as we are attached to form (our thoughts, our emotions, our possessions, our wealth, our social status, our achievements, our relational attachments) and identify ourselves as that, we will live with a mistaken identity and resist dying to ourselves. This resistance manifests itself as the trials of the Transformation Journey The epic struggle of our ego, to remain relevant, to go on running the show, and to ensure that today looks like yesterday. Once you give up your ego, the trials are completed: The lessons may stop. When the ego stares into the abyss of its own demise it roars, as in the Dylan Thomas poem “Do not go gently into that good night,… Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” The closer you get to being who you truly are, you will feel an overwhelming fear, which is the ego fighting for its survival. If you are courageous enough to keep going through the 'Valley of the Shadow of Death' the fear will transmute to pure energy. Psalm 23:4 "Yet, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil: For thou art with me; Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." Deep down the ego works tirelessly to convince you that by letting go completely of these identity markers you will lose who you are and you will cease to exist. Why do we react so badly when we feel that one is challenged or threatened? It is our ego that is triggered. All the tests and ordeals along the road of trials are designed to teach you the greatest secret of life: There is only one life, and your soul exists despite the ego’s own best efforts to convince you that its death is your death: Its death is your rebirth. A saviour will be born and that saviour is you.

Once the hero overcomes the ordeal and transcends the Wall a move from “power by reflection”, into “power by purpose” has occurred, a major Transformation. There has been a miraculous translation into the depths of the soul, a shifting of where you perceive your sense and source of identity. As Janet Hagberg wrote about such Jesus-like or Yoda-like figures “The ultimate objective, whether stated or not, is to empower others: to raise them up, love them, give them responsibility, trust them, learn from them, and be led by them. They feel they are merely a conduit of ideas, energy, and power to be given out or passed along. Their role is not primarily to solve the problems of the world but to be a powerful presence in the midst of the unsolvable situation and to work in our own way in easing pain.” In essence, you get well so that you can turn around and help guide the next person to doing the same. That has been my journey into Transformative Life Coaching (TLC). It's your choice to choose 'Heaven' or 'Hell': Don't let your ego convince you otherwise. The ego is cunning, baffling and powerful. Your ego will try to take you to Hell. But once you see that you realise that you can safely ignore it. It states in the Bible in Hebrews 13:6 "Let your Faith be bigger than your fears.”

How do we face our fears?

• Taking one step at a time (that's all life is - single steps taken from a place of love) whilst maintaining perspective

• Know that you can handle anything - the Universe never gives you more than you can handle

• Feel your feelings then let them go

• Cultivating hope - as a way of thinking

• Letting go of numbing behaviours and trying to take the edge off vulnerability, discomfort and pain and noticing when we are doing this compulsively

• Escape catastrophising thoughts by noting them and surrendering them

• Through being open, honest and vulnerable

• Deeply knowing what Jesus said "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well."

Brené Brown wrote "Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty." You will reach a moment when you are touched by Grace, like being blessed gently by God. Faith is what one cannot see and don’t know yet: 'I may not be able to see the other side of the hill but I know that it is there even though there is a hill in the way.' Before you know it you will be free-wheeling.

Emotions and psychology

45 percent of GP consultations in the United Kingdom are related to mental illness. 85 percent of GPs themselves report having suffered from mental illness. The prevalence of all mental disorders increased by 50% worldwide from 416 million to 615 million between 1990 and 2013 (World Health Organisation, WHO, 2016). And it's getting worse, fast. Alarming research indicates an increase in internalising symptoms in girls - internalising symptoms have a basis in emotions linked to distress such as fear and sadness which may exacerbate depression, loneliness, anxiety, and somatic complaints (WHO). More than three-quarters of adults report symptoms of stress, including headache, tiredness, or sleeping problems. (American Psychological Association, 2019). Eighty percent of U.S. workers say they experience stress at work (American Institute of Stress) with many professions reporting 50 to 75 percent burnout rates.. Nearly half of all U.S. adults (49%) say that stress has negatively affected their behaviour (American Psychological Association, 2020). There have been two big changes in the past 20 years. The first is that recognition has resulted in a huge surge of people seeking help, although they are heavily stigmatised as a result. The second is that surveys repeatedly show that more young people are reporting mental distress. This is growing by the day.

In my experience therapy turns the honey of emotions into a bees nest temporarily so that the emotions can be processed. This is a necessary process.

The pain-pleasure principle, developed by Sigmund Freud, the father of pyschoanalysis, suggests that people make choices to avoid or pain or make choices that create or increase pleasure. He believed that the pain-pleasure principle is the core of all the decisions we make. Beliefs, values, actions and decisions are built upon this principle. This is the road to misery. We must not avoid our pain. We must seek serenity over pleasure. Sadly our 'civilised' society does not understand any of this. We are doomed unless we wake up. Prophets have been heeding the call for millenia. But they are preaching to deaf ears.

The salient stressors in the lives of most human beings today - at least in the industrialised world - are emotional. Just like laboratory animals unable to escape, people find themselves trapped in lifestyles and emotional patterns inimical to their health, that they would give anything to leave, and many do, in their droves. The higher the level of economic development, it seems, the more anaesthetised we have become to our emotional realities. We no longer sense what is happening in our bodies and cannot therefore act in Self-preserving ways. The physiology of stress eats away at our bodies not because it has outlived its usefulness but because we may no longer have the competence to recognise its signals.

Transformative Life Coaching (TLC) and our emotions

Pain actually serves as a guide to internal unconscious conflicts that were born of trauma. You are not in the fire or on fire, you are in the presence of fire: The constant challenges that are life. Chaos is the norm. We are shaped by early relationship experiences and unconscious motives and psychological conflicts are at the core of our current emotions and our resultant behaviour.

The unconscious mind, or subconscious, is a hiding place for painful emotions. Defence mechanisms keep these painful emotions hidden, but if these painful emotions can be brought in to the conscious mind, up to the surface, they can be dealt with more adaptively and the symptoms of pain and associated behaviours can be eliminated or reduced. Understanding your pain results in a change in your relationship to pain. This is the perceptual shift that affects a change in your emotions, responses, values, beliefs and behaviour and is at the heart of TLC. The driving question you will need to reflect on in TLC remains grounded in a choice in being: "Who do I need to be in order for my goals or dreams to become a reality? The ‘becoming’ process is the transformational path, and the end game is the embodiment of higher than realised levels of existence. To facilitate this process, a Transformative Life Coach supports you to dive below the surface of the iceberg that is your consciousness and immerse your self in self-exploration, to examine your beliefs, images, and interpretations about who you are and what is your purpose and place in this world - it is all of these which give rise to your existing way of BEing, and examining them sheds light on why you experience life as you do. As Carl Jung said "Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes."

As a coaching client it requires willingness to face shadowy fears and beliefs in order to become free of patterns of thought and emotion that have held you captive for a lifetime. Change then happens at the core level of mind, within your internal operating system, and when you grow significantly at this level it creates the impetus for equally significant shifts in your behaviours, choices, and emotions. Over time, real Transformation occurs, and the necessary thoughts, attitudes, and actions which function to bring envisioned goals into existence will arise organically, as an expression of the fulfilment of your higher nature. TLC works on everything above the surface of the 'iceberg of awareness' (namely words, tone, behaviour, and feelings) as in other types of coaching but also on everything below the surface (emotional responses, thoughts, beliefs, assumptions, needs, values and beliefs). As a TLC coach I will bring your depths to the surface, using tailored questioning.

Performance coaching deals with goals, but when the same problem occurs again you will need me again (Level 1 change); Developmental coaching results in learning so that you can deal with future issues (Level 2 change); TLC works on the whole iceberg, creating a paradigm (perspective) shift, changing the way you see your self, others, the world or life (Level 3 change). TLC works at the highest logical levels of change to do with purpose and meaning, and also with identity and self concepts. TLC thus creates the deepest level of internal shift in your character, finding clarity, gaining purpose, and becoming more Self aware, even to a state of Grace, rather than simply just doing things differently. TLC creates vast transformation in your life: New opportunities are born; You, transformed, become a powerful creator. TLC may lead to bliss, spiritual awakening, and even Enlightenment. In other words, TLC achieves self-initiated transformation.

How does spirituality add to psychological concepts about emotion?

A spiritual approach to healing involves positive emotions that have been ignored by psychiatry

A journal article entitled 'Psychiatry, religion, positive emotions and spirituality'. by George E. Vaillant proposes that eight positive emotions: awe, love/attachment, trust/Faith, compassion, gratitude, forgiveness, joy and hope constitute what we mean by spirituality. These emotions have been grossly ignored by psychiatry, despite evidence in neuroscience. Spirituality is not about ideas, sacred texts and theology. Rather, spirituality is all about looking inwards, examining emotion and fostering social connection. Neither Freud nor psychiatric textbooks ever mention emotions like joy and gratitude. Hymns and psalms give these emotions pride of place. Our whole concept of psychotherapy might change, if clinicians set about enhancing positive emotions, rather than focusing only on numbing the negative ones.

The Hero's Journey

Psychologists are starting to realise that one can not learn how to deal with emotions from books, and that a personal journey is required. Hara Esrtroff, Editor for 'Psychology today' wrote "At the heart of resilience is a belief in oneself... Resilient people do not let adversity define them. They find resilience by moving towards a goal beyond themselves, transcending pain and grief by perceiving bad times as a temporary state of affairs... It's possible to strengthen your inner Self and your belief in your Self... It's possible to fortify your psyche. It's possible to develop a sense of mastery." You need self awareness for this: You need to know your Self - then you become emotionally literate with clarity. This is emotional intelligence. There are 36,000 emotions according to work done by the Dalai Lama and Alan Watkins. When the student is ready the teacher appears to help you navigate this sea of emotion that is the road to consciousness.Walt Disney wrote "After the rain, the sun will reappear. There is life. After the pain, the joy will still be here." Joy never abandons us.

Maxime Lagacé wrote "Spirituality: The art of keeping your internal fire alive." Let's rekindle it and create a blaze. There is no need to look upwards, look inwards. The Kingdom is within. As Buddha said "The way is not in the sky; the way is in the heart.” Swami Vivekananda wrote "There is no other spiritual teacher than you own soul." It's time to listen to that small quiet voice inside.

Marianne Williamson wrote “Nothing binds you except your thoughts; nothing limits you except your fear; and nothing controls you except your beliefs.” It's time to let go of everything and take the leap. Eckhart Tolle wrote “I am not my thoughts, emotions, sense perceptions, and experiences. I am not the content of my life. I am Life. I am the space in which all things happen. I am consciousness. I am the Now. I Am... Accept–then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. This will miraculously transform your whole life.”

We hold onto pain, and therefore suffer, to avoid 'unfelt Fear' and the hurt of lost love. When we cease to perceive value in suffering, healing is instantaneous. Feel the emotion and face the Fear. Then Nature heals, you receive the Grace of God, and, as Amy Winehouse sang in her album 'Back to Black', "Tears dry on their own."

I salute you for keeping going. Being human is totally terrifying. You’ve held so much for so long. There is a child inside who just wants to drop it all and be free. You deserve peace, joy, love, and abundance. Thich Nhat Hanh wrote “At any moment, you have a choice, that either leads you closer to your spirit or further away from it.” Are you ready to make that choice?

Sending you love, light, and blessings.

Email me: hello@transformativelifecoach.co.uk

Olly Alexander Branford MD, MBBS, MA(Cantab), PhD

My gift is to be your guide. Let me know if you would like to continue this conversation...

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