This short word is often misunderstood, yet it is the cause of all conflict and drama in the world from an interpersonal level all the way up to world wars. Jocko Willink wrote “If you get your ego in your way, you will only look to other people and circumstances to blame.” Eckhart Tolle, the spiritual Master, wrote that “Complaining is one of the ego's favourite strategies for strengthening itself.” The ego and complaining are the cause of your downfall.
Albert Einstein wrote about ego that “More the knowledge, lesser the ego. Lesser the knowledge, more the ego.” I would replace the word knowledge with wisdom, although I believe that was what Einstein meant.
The ego is a Self-limiting prison that we choose to lock our Selves into.
Put simply, the English word "ego" is the Latin word for “I.” Literally translated, ego means “I.” Your ego is your fragmented, petrified 7-year-old self who is trying to run your life from a place of fear and pain. To heal you have to let go of your ego - the 'little me', the 'King baby', or the “I, me, 'mine'” in your life. The ego is an illusion. The ego is simply self-will run riot: It is self-obsessed and self-destructive.
The ego is simply a negative thought pattern from your conscious mind, which is actually fast asleep.
Your Higher Self (also known as your Higher Power, the true Self, the soul, God, or simply the Self) is the only reality, but you may not know him yet as he has been hiding in your subconscious: In reality he is not subconscious, he is fully awakened and is connected to the highest level of consciousness imaginable: Universal consciousness, also known as the 'supra-conscious' or 'higher-consciousness' (as the paradigm-revolutionising Psychiatrist and Spiritual Master Carl Jung called it), or 'awareness'.
Ninety percent of your mind is subconscious (supra-conscious or higher consciousness). It is in this mind that all your true power lies, with infinite potential and possibility.
12-step recovery groups, modelled on the A.A. programme that was developed by Bill Wilson almost a century ago in 1935, have found that people can only recover if they connect with a Higher Power, have a spiritual experience, drop out of their ego on a daily basis, and serve others in doing the same. Alcoholics and other types of addicts are no different to anyone else: They have just found a low-spirit solution (ie. alcohol, that doesn't work - so it's not actually a solution) to a high-spirit problem. Other people, who haven't found any kind of solution, are just restless, irritable, discontent, angry, or hateful. There is an aphorism that states as an equation:
'Man minus mind = God.'
In 12-step recovery groups EGO stands for 'Edging God Out'. What does this mean? It means that through judgement and the idea that we are separate from everyone else, we do not allow space inside of us to connect to ourselves, each other, or our Higher Power (also known as God). The ego, and our resulting separateness and disconnection, is the cause of all our problems in life.
The supra-conscious mind contains all wisdom, Truth, and intuition. None of these are present in the ego mind. Danielle LaPorte wrote “Ego interrupts intuition.”
The ego makes us believe that we are totally unworthy and the golden child at the same time: John Lennon wrote about the paradox of the ego that “Part of me suspects that I'm a loser, and the other part of me thinks I'm God Almighty.” You may resonate with this? It's cognitive dissonance at its finest: Cognitive dissonance is a psychological phenomenon that occurs when a person holds two contradictory beliefs at the same time. This causes tension and dis-ease as as our behaviour does not align with our values or beliefs. It may lead to self-sabotage in an unconscious attempt to rationalise the dissonance. You drive your train off the track as you don't feel worthy as your (deserved) success does not align with your deep sense of unworthiness (resulting from parental or societal conditioning).
Eckhart Tolle wrote “All you need to know and observe in yourself is this: Whenever you feel superior or inferior to anyone, that’s the ego in you.”
The disciple said to the Zen Master "When shall I see God?" The Zen Master replied "When the 'I' ceases to be.”
Deepak Chopra wrote “The ego relies on the familiar. It is reluctant to experience the unknown, which is the very essence of life.” So why do we reply so much on our ego? Because, although it represents the 'conscious mind', it is fast asleep until we decide to wake up and achieve Self-realisation by shedding the ego and embodying our Higher Power through BEing.
It's time to kick your ego out of your own way
Ram Dass, the Harvard Clinical Psychologist turned spiritual teacher and guru of modern yoga wrote "The soul is our real Self. The ego is who we think we are. And the soul is really, really who we are... We are spiritual BEings visiting humanity."
East Forest and ram Dass: 'We Are Truth' "The ego is who you think you are. Your soul is who you really, really are"
Ram Dass wrote “As you dissolve into love, your ego fades. You’re not thinking about loving; you’re just being love, radiating like the sun.” He continued “The ego is your self-image (note the small 's'), it is your social mask, it is the role you are playing. Your social mask thrives on approval.”
Are you struggling with pain or fear right now? Do you feel as though your life is spinning out of control? Do you feel like you are drowning? Do you read a lot of 'self-help' books but find that they are not helping? Are you hooked on social media? Are you addicted to external validation? Since very ancient times, accumulating wealth and power was said to be the key to happiness: This continues to be the case today. However, we know that this is not true: Depressed, lonely billionaires are not rare and powerful corrupt politicians are some of the most despised and unhappy people on the planet.
You are not alone in your pain and fear: We are all doing it all wrong. Our current Western 'civilisation' (which is far from civilised - it's more like a bunch of children arguing in 'Never-Grow-Up-Land') makes us utterly self-obsessed and to aspire to goals that do not originate from our souls. We are Peter Pans on Prozac. This is at the core of your pain, your fear, and your destructive conflict-seeking behaviour. Do you want to leave the drama?
Even a lot of spiritual 'Enlightenment' teachers become even more egocentric than when they started their journey of transformation as they never transcend the 'self' (ego) stage: So, although they are 'all about' self-development, self-intellectualisation, self-improvement, self-help, self... self... self... etc., and these things are amazing, but it becomes too self-obsessed if further transformation does not occur or if the 'Hero's Journey' is not applied correctly, followed, and completed (perhaps many times, as a spiral rather than a loop) and doesn't convert to service: They then never have Real Personal Power, and they never actually self-actualise. Many 'influencers', '£10K per monthers' and 'life-hackers' are such people, and are all promising short-cuts as they themselves have taken a short-cut, have not done the necessary inner work, have never faced their emotions and been vulnerable, and are actually tricksters, not way-showers: In these people, there is self-aggrandisation, not Self-realisation. Their short-cut came to a cul-de-sac (literally the 'arse-of-the-bag'). They hide behind a social mask, and are not authentic. What they say and what they do are not in alignment. They take your money and sell you their own limited awakening in the guise of Enlightenment. If it sounds to good (or too easy) to be true, it usually is... One must first turns inwards so that one can then turn outwards and be a guiding light. The point of getting spiritually well is to serve others. Our primary purpose is to awaken. Our secondary purpose is to guide others to awakening. But for these self-serving people it remains as self-serving with a small 's'. Their self never becomes a Self. They are firmly stuck in ego. They try to 'fix' others, but they themselves are far from well. No-one can fix anyone else. We may be guides. They are not role models. It means that people may fail to be able to progress through the necessary work, then are unable to relate this to anyone other than themselves, and even their own emotions and problems fester and propagate as they have only superficially glossed over them and buried them rather than grow from them. Many have never hit rock bottom (their story sounds implausible), they withhold their narrative (appearing on social media as very much other than who they truly are), or concoct fake stories about themselves or others. They are fools, fooling themselves, and trying in vain to fool others. They are stuck in the early stages of spiritual 'alchemy' and never look further, so how they show up in the world, their impact on others, the roles they play etc, is very limited and often damaging. So instead of being able to personally reflect, they turn to deflection (via projection and blame) as a defence mechanism. This is all called 'spiritual bypassing' ( these people tend to hang out at elegant Soho clubs, getting wasted on cocktails, and have flicked through a self-help book or two and then claim to be a spiritual guru - they will be your 'guru' in exchange for their claim at £10K). There is not only a whiff of ego about these people, there is a stench! Spiritual bypassing is a tendency to use spiritual concepts, ideas, and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved psychological issues, emotional wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks in ourselves. Carl Gustav Jung, the founder of analytical psychology, usually referred to as “Jungian psychology”, saw in Gnostic alchemy a precedent to the process of individuation (taking the journey of transformation), as encountered in his own clinical practice. This was a breakthrough for Jung and offered a vast amount of data supporting his theory of the collective unconscious; more specifically, that psychic transformation follows an archetypal and universal process. This transformative process happens through the integration of the conscious and unconscious aspects of the subject’s psychology. It is very much a journey, not a day-trip. The journey of a lifetime. The greatest journey that you will ever take. You will step into BEing, and from there serve the world. Jung describes this process as having four stages: Confession, Elucidation, Education and Transformation. This is an analogue for the four stages of alchemical transmutation: Nigredo, Albedo, Citrinitas and Rubedo.
The answer to all your problems may be very simple: You just need to let go of the illusion (the ego) that you are in control, and wake up (to your real Self). This is the key to healing from pain, fear, and self-obsession, the path to mental wellbeing, as well as solidifying the foundations of your Self-realisation and Enlightenment.
Sam Harris, the American philosopher and neuroscientist, and author of the brilliant book 'Waking Up: A Guide to Spirituality Without Religion', wrote "We are all seeking fulfilment while living at the mercy of changing experience. Whatever we acquire in life gets dispersed. Our bodies age. Our relationships fall away. Even the most intense pleasures last only a few moments. And every morning, we are chased out of bed by our thoughts." Those thoughts are fearful: Fear is the language of the ego, and it shouts loudly to you as your mind.
Sam Harris wrote "We grasp at transitory pleasures. We brood about the past and worry about the future. We continually seek to prop up and defend an egoic self that doesn’t exist." It might be time to let go of your ego...
Psychotherapist Mike Stroh and Political Science Professor David Zarnett explore the thought-provoking ideas of renowned philosopher and neuroscientist Sam Harris and uncover a fresh perspective on the ego, the higher power, mental illness, addiction recovery, personal growth, and Self-realisation
Holding on to your ego is like holding a hand-grenade with the pin pulled out, or playing Russian roulette: Just watch the 'Deer Hunter' scene about Russian roulette if you want to know what it's like to try to survive life in fear (reacting - Christopher Walken) rather than from a place of relative serenity (responding - Robert de Niro).
Trigger alert: This is not an easy watch. Compare and contrast the two ways of being in 'The Deer Hunter': Robert de Niro (responding from a place of calm - the Higher Self) and Christopher Walken (reacting from fear - the ego). I know which I would rather BE
Plato said "When the mind is thinking it is talking to itself." When you are letting your conditioned thoughts rule your mind you are in ego-mode, and therefore behind enemy lines. He continued "For a man to conquer himself is the first and noblest of all victories."
In this article we will explore further what the ego is, and hear what three of the main protagonists in this domain have to say about it: Sigmund Freud; Carl Jung; and Eckhart Tolle. Others have also contributed, to a lesser degree, the conceptualisation of the ego and the Self. Carl Rogers theorised that a person’s Self-concept determines his behaviour and his relation to the world, and that true therapeutic improvement occurs only when the individual changes his own Self-concept. Abraham Maslow’s theory of self-actualisation was based on a
'Hierarchy of Needs', which emphasised the highest capacities or gratifications of a person. I will rationalise all these ego concepts for you: I am at your service. Let's dive in...
The ego is equivalent to the false self and stops us from being present. The ego is your mind: Thinking is just a small unnecessary part of consciousness. Consciousness does not need thought.Enlightenment means rising above thought. Then you are free from the involuntary internal dialogue, constant negative thoughts about the past, the internal inner critic (the critical voice of your parents and society) and catastrophising about the future. “Midlife is the time to let go of an overdominant ego and to contemplate the deeper significance of human existence”(Jung). This is a great time of rebirth. The ego says “Once everything falls into place, I’ll feel peace. The soul says “Find your peace, and then everything will fall into place.” Egocentric fear leading to a desire to control is the basis of all addictions. Chögyam Trungpa, Tibetan Buddhist meditation master, abbott, scholar, poet, and originator of a radical re-presentation of Tibetan Buddhist teachings said “Enlightenment is ego's ultimate disappointment.” Let’s disappoint the ego: Are you with me?
The ego
The ego is most likely an evolutionary necessity, in an ancient world where we struggled to survive, having some desire to be at the top is helpful. The problem is that when it gets too big it begins to take at the expense of everyone else around you and pulls you into a trap of accumulating more than you need, as well as becoming a slave to your desires.
The ego is not who you are
Deepak Chopra said that “The ego, however, is not who you really are. The ego is your self-image; it is your social mask; it is the role you are playing."
Ram Dass said that “In most of our human relationships, we spend much of our time reassuring one another that our costumes of identity are on straight.” the costume is our ego - our social mask.
The ego is addicted to trying to control everything
Deepak Chopra continued that the ego "Wants control (like an internet troll), and it is sustained by (a desire for) power, because it lives in fear.” Cullen Hightower wrote “Our ego is… too often with a controlling interest.”
The ego is addicted to external validation.
Deepak Chopra, the spiritual Master, wrote that "Your social mask (the ego) thrives on approval." Rainer Maria Rilke wrote “Make your ego porous. Will is of little importance, complaining is nothing, and fame is nothing. Openness, patience, receptivity, solitude is everything.” Jean-Jacques Rousseau echoed “Let us be more simple and less vain.” This is the most significant journey of your lifetime: It's your very own 'Hero's Journey.'
The ego does not care about awareness, wisdom, or Truth: Indeed it is not capable of these traits. As Muhammad Iqbal wrote “The ultimate aim of the ego is not to see something, but to be something.”
Friedrich Nietzsche, the brilliant German philosopher, wrote “Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.”
Neil deGrasse Tyson, the American astrophysicist and author, warns us “If your ego starts out, 'I am important, I am big, I am special,' you're in for some disappointments when you look around at what we've discovered about the Universe. No, you're not big. No, you're not. You're small in time and in space. And you have this frail vessel called the human body that's limited on Earth.”
Eckhart Tolle, the spiritual Master, wrote that “The ego tends to equate having with BEing: I have, therefore I am. And the more I have, the more I am. The ego lives through comparison. How you are seen by others turns into how you see yourself... The ego always needs more because the ego lives in a state of constant insufficiency... The ego has all kinds of ideas of what it wants to be because it wants to have a better image of itself... The most common ego identifications have to do with possessions, the work you do, social status and recognition, knowledge and education, physical appearance, special abilities, relationships, person and family history, belief systems, and often nationalistic, racial, religious, and other collective identifications. None of these is you... The ego doesn't know that the source of all energy is within you, so it seeks it outside.” This is the biggest mistake of all.
The ego is pretty dumb The ego is fast asleep, and cannot access your wisdom, Truth, higher intelligence, or intuition. Andrew Holecek wrote “For the ego, ignorance really is bliss.”
Marianne Moore wrote about the ego's lack of discernment and poor judgement that “Egotism is usually subversive of sagacity.”
The ego is selfish
Osho wrote “Love is happy when it is able to give something. The ego is happy when it is able to take something.”
The ego numbs and deadens you
Dr Herbert Shofield wrote “Egotism is the anaesthetic which nature gives us to deaden the pain of being a fool.”
The ego is holding you back
Richard Rose wrote “The ego is the single biggest obstruction to the achievement of anything.” Shannon L. Alder added “When you lose your ego, you win. It really is that simple.”
Dr Wayne Dyer wrote “You can either be a host to God, or a hostage to your ego. It's your call.”
The ego makes you replaceable
Henry A. Courtney wrote wittily “The bigger a man’s head, the easier it is to fill his shoes.” As the ego has no wisdom, anyone with an ego had better watch out for their job to be replaced by Artificial Intelligence (AI).
Rationalising the ego
Michel de Montaigne wrote “I have never seen a greater monster (ego) or miracle (Higher Power) than myself.”
The ego versus your true Self
Your true Self is also known as your real Self, your Self, your soul, your spirit, or your Higher Power. It is the divine, authentic part of your psyche. Pema Chödrön said that “The ego seeks to divide and separate. Spirit seeks to unify and heal.”
Marianne Williamson, the author of 'A Return to Love', spiritual teacher of 'A Course in Miracles', and American Presidential candidate, wrote “The ego is always looking to find something – the spirit can see what’s already there.”
John Bradshaw, author of 'Healing the Shame that Binds You', puts it precisely “Ego is to the true Self what a flashlight is to a spotlight.”
Father Richard Rohr, the author of the book wrote 'Breathing Under Water' "The ego gets what it wants with words. The soul finds what it needs in silence.” This is why I advocate silent meditation to everyone. We should all do it twice per day for mental and emotional wellbeing. Meditation connects you to your Higher Power, bringing you into conscious contact with God.
The ego is not real
The ego is simply a negative thought pattern from your conscious mind. Thibaut wrote “The ego isn’t a real thing, it’s just the unexamined mind.” The Greek philosopher, Socrates, famously said "The unexamined life is not worth living."
Dr Wayne Dyer wrote “The ego is only an illusion, but a very influential one. Letting the ego illusion become your identity can prevent you from knowing your true Self.”
Alan Watts wrote that “The ego-self constantly pushes reality away. It constructs a future out of empty expectations and a past out of regretful memories.” He continued “The biggest ego trip is getting rid of your ego, and of course, the joke of it all is that your ego does not exist.”
Jesus said, "Deny thyself,’ which means to recognise the unreality of the ego.
Quieting the ego
An article in Scientific American discussed the pressing need for everyone to quiet their egos. We are more divided than ever as a species. Tribalism and identity politics are rampant on all sides of everything. All conflict, from an interpersonal level to war, is the result of the ego. The ego will do anything to disavow itself of responsibility for any negative outcome it may have played a role. A noisy ego spends so much time defending the self as if it were a real thing, and then doing whatever it takes to assert itself, that it often inhibits the very goals it is most striving for.
In recent years, Heidi Wayment and her colleagues have been developing a “quiet ego” research program grounded in Buddhist philosophy and humanistic psychology ideals, and backed by empirical research in the field of positive psychology. Paradoxically, it turns out that quieting the ego is so much more effective in cultivating wellbeing, growth, health, productivity, and a healthy, productive self-esteem, than focusing so loudly on self-enhancement, self-adornment, and 'self-help' books. The author writes that "I don't think it's an overstatement to say that the cultivation of these skills in our society would lead to greater mental health, useful reality-based information, as well as peace and unity among humans. Instead of destroying each other how about we learn from each other?" The author puts forward the following equation, which I totally agree with:
The quieter the ego = The stronger one's real Self emerges
It's time to quiet our egos (credit to Getty Images)
An article in Forbes magazine discusses this 'quiet ego' concept. The concept of the “quiet ego” was introduced by Dr. Heidi A. Wayment and Dr. Jack J. Bauer, who describe it as a compassionate self-identity that counters a “noisy ego,” which refers to a more self-centred and potentially disruptive aspect of the self, driven by the need for validation, dominance and constant attention. A noisy ego is less attuned to the well-being of oneself and others and can drown out empathy, hinder personal development and create discord in interpersonal relationships. In contrast, the quiet ego represents an interconnected worldview characterised by values promoting growth and a balance between Self-compassion, Self-love, personal agency and concern for the welfare of others.
The authors suggest that the quiet ego does not seek dominance or self-aggrandisement and transcends egotism by steering away from competitive self-centredness towards meaningful connections and personal development. It empowers individuals to navigate life with heightened emotional intelligence, empathy and resilience while focusing on sustained growth and well-being, both personally and collectively.
Nurturing the quiet ego amplifies one’s sense of compassion for oneself and others. To begin with, it's vital to discern the sources of internal “noise,” question one’s dominant inner narratives, identify areas where self-centredness overshadows empathy or immediate gratification impedes long-term wellbeing. Embracing the quiet is a journey of self-reflection, a commitment to personal growth, openness and empathy as well as a pathway to a kinder world.
The authors found that having a quiet ego was associated with self-transcendent values - such as universalism and benevolence - as well as self-direction and achievement. It is not clear whether the authors are using the term quiet self as a tamed ego or as another word for Higher Self. In either case, a quiet ego does allow our Higher Self to emerge.
Let that self-obsessed sucker die
Jillian Michaels wrote that “A bad day for your ego is a great day for your soul.” In fact Mahatma Gandhi wrote “When the ego dies, the soul awakes.”
As Robert Half wrote, the “Ego trip: (Is) a journey to nowhere.” The ego is a crazy, mutineering renegade. Maxime Lagacé wrote “Destroy your illusions so you can see reality. Destroy your fears so you can take risks. Destroy your ego so you can see life… Dissolve your ego before it dissolves yourself.” It's time to let go of your ego.
Leave your ego at the door
Dwayne Johnson wrote “Check your ego at the door. The ego can be the great success inhibitor. It can kill opportunities, and it can kill success.” Robin S. Sharma wrote “Leadership is not a popularity contest; it's about leaving your ego at the door. The name of the game is to lead without a title.”
Our way out of fear is to move from being self-centred to serving others. Joseph Fort Newton wrote “An egotist is not a man who thinks too much of himself; he is a man who thinks too little of other people.” Beran Wolfe wrote “No one has learned the meaning of life until he has surrendered his ego to the service of fellow men.”
The ego does not want to wake up
Spirituality means waking up. It means to be awakened, which is the same as Enlightenment. Chögyam Trungpa wrote “Enlightenment is ego's ultimate disappointment.”
Humility rules
Ryan Holiday, the author of The Obstacle is the Way, and Stoic philosophy expert, wrote “What is rare is not raw talent, skill, or even confidence, but humility, diligence, and self-awareness.” He continued “In the battle of egos, both competitors lose.” I love what he said, when he said that “Leave your ego at the door every morning, and just do some truly great work. Few things will make you feel better than a job brilliantly done.” It's worth putting a sign on your office door - "No entry to egos."
Rabindranath Tagore wrote “We come nearest to the great when we are great in humility.” C. S. Lewis wrote “If a man thinks he is not conceited, he is very conceited indeed.”
Michel de Montaigne wrote “On the highest throne in the world, we still sit only on our own bottom.”
Front stage and back stage
In sociology, the terms "front stage" and "back stage" refer to different behaviours that people engage in every day. Developed by the late sociologist Erving Goffman, they form part of the dramaturgical perspective within sociology that uses the metaphor of the theatre to explain social interaction. We use masks, props, clothing, accessories etc. to show our front face on the front stage, to signal social status, but it is all show: It is all ego. Erving Goffman presented the dramaturgical perspective in the 1959 book "The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life." In it, Goffman uses the metaphor of theatrical production to offer a way of understanding human interaction and behaviour. The idea that people play different roles throughout their daily lives and display different kinds of behaviour depending on where they are and the time of day is a familiar one. Most people, consciously or unconsciously, behave somewhat differently as their professional selves versus their private or intimate true Selves. According to Goffman, people engage in "front stage" behaviour when they know that others are watching. Front stage behaviour reflects internalised norms and expectations for behaviour shaped partly by the setting, the particular role one plays in it, and by one's physical appearance. How people participate in a front stage performance can be highly intentional and purposeful, or it can be habitual or subconscious. Either way, front stage behaviour typically follows a routinised and learned social script shaped by cultural norms. Waiting in line for something, boarding a bus and flashing a transit pass, and exchanging pleasantries about the weekend with colleagues are all examples of highly routinised and scripted front-stage performances.
When people engage in back stage behaviour, they are free of the expectations and norms that dictate front stage behaviour. Given this, people are often more relaxed and comfortable when back stage; they let their guard down and behave in ways that reflect their uninhibited or 'true Selves'. They cast off elements of their appearance required for a front stage performance, such as swapping work clothes for casual clothes and loungewear. They may even change how they speak and comport their bodies or carry themselves.
My feeling is that we should be authentic and vulnerable at all times, otherwise we suffer, and we fail to connect with anyone at a deeper level, least to mention our Selves.
As William Shakespeare wrote:
"All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts..."
Perhaps we should limit those parts to one: Our true Self.
Sigmund Freud’s ego
The ego is a wonderful servant but a terrible master. Sigmund Freud wrote that “The ego is not a master in its own house.”
Sigmund Freud, the Austrian neurologist and founder of psychoanalysis
The idea that the human psyche (personality) has more than one aspect is perhaps Freud’s most persistent and essential idea. The id, ego, and superego, according to Freud’s personality theory (1923), are three elements of the psyche that develop at different points in our lives. These are systems, not brain parts or physical structures.
The ego, once developed, is capable of change throughout life, particularly under conditions of threat, illness, and significant changes in life circumstances.
The id
The id: I view the id as the inner child. It is the most basic and instinctive aspect of one’s personality. The id is a component of the unconscious that houses all of one’s desires and impulses, and therefore the agency of primitive drives, which are employed for everything from survival instincts to art appreciation, playfulness, creativity and joy. The id is the impulsive (and unconscious) component of our psyche that reacts to basic urges, needs, and desires in a direct and immediate manner. The newborn child’s personality is all id, and it is only later that an ego and super-ego emerge. Because it is not in touch with the outside world, the id’s function remains child-like throughout a person’s life and does not alter with time or experience. You can always speak to your inner child, let them know that you love them, and that you are taking care of them. Because it functions in the unconscious region of the mind, the id is unaffected by reality, logic, or the everyday world. When a child is traumatised, the id is in charge of you as the adult in you does not show up. The pleasure principle (Freud, 1920) states that every wishful impulse should be realised as soon as possible, regardless of the consequences. When the id’s needs are met, we feel pleasure; when they are not, we feel ‘unpleasure’ or tension. This is the basis of addiction. The id engages in primitive, illogical, irrational, and fantasy-oriented primary process thinking. This type of process thinking is selfish and wishful in nature and has no understanding of objective reality.
The ego
The ego is ‘that part of the id which has been modified by the direct influence of the external world.’ The ego is the conditioned mind. The ego is the only aspect of the conscious personality that is aware of itself. It’s what a person notices when they think about themselves, which in general they do incessantly, and it’s what they strive to reflect and project onto others. The ego grows in order to serve as a buffer between the unrealistic id and the external reality. It is the part of the personality that makes decisions. The ego, in its ideal state, is rational, intuitive, and assertive, whereas the id is chaotic and illogical. The ego follows the realism principle, figuring out realistic ways to meet the id’s desires, typically compromising or deferring fulfilment to avoid unfavourable societal consequences. When selecting how to act, the ego considers societal reality and standards, as well as etiquette and rules. Freud’s ego has no notion of right and wrong; anything is excellent if it accomplishes its goal of satisfaction without harming itself or the id.
Some sorts of atypical or dysfunctional upbringing, according to Freudians (especially if there is a cold, rejecting invalidating mother), might result in a weak and fragile ego, whose ability to contain the id’s demands is limited. This can result in the ego’s attempt to confine the id ‘breaking apart,’ leaving the id in complete control of the psyche. Thus, in traumatised children, when they become adults - the inner child plays unsupervised - you become a ‘horse without a rider’. Further, when you are traumatised and therefore spiritually unwell, or asleep, the adult you, along with your inner child, are both driven by the need for external validation so they charge together towards unhappiness, as true joy can only come from within. We need the adult you, your Higher Self, to wake up, and always show up.
The superego
As the individual continues to develop, the ego is further differentiated and the superego develops. The superego represents the inhibitions of instinct and the control of impulses through the incorporation of parental and societal standards. Therefore the superego is made up of societal ideals and principles that one learns from one’s parents and guardians. These do not necessarily equate with spiritual law such as the law of karma, or those ideals that are in line with a Utopian society.
The superego appears between the ages of 3 and 5. Depending on which portion is activated, the superego is considered as the purveyor of rewards (feelings of pride and satisfaction) and punishments (feelings of shame and guilt). There is pride before a fall. A traumatised child (one brought up in a dysfunctional family, without unconditional love) grows up with a superego that acts as their inner critical parent, boosting their feelings of unworthiness and toxic shame. The superego is a part of the unconscious and is the voice of self-criticism, your inner critic.
The conscience and the ideal self are the two systems that make up the superego. Our conscience is our “inner voice” that warns us when we have made a mistake. The conscience can punish the ego by instilling remorse in it. If the ego gives in to the id’s demands (common in traumatised children when they become adults as the adult does not show up or is fragile), the superego, as the critical parent, may use shame to make the person feel shame to the core. The superego is also deceptive in that it will try to portray what it wants the individual to accomplish in grandiose, glowing terms, which Freud referred to as the ego-ideal, which comes from the person’s first major love relationship (usually a parent). The ideal self (or ego-ideal) is a fictional representation of how you should be, representing career goals, interpersonal relationships, and social behaviour. It is assumed that traumatised children raised by parent’s experience love conditionally (when they do something well), and that the child internalises these experiences as a succession of real or imagined judgemental judgments. This is the result of not being loved unconditionally. The superego may use guilt to penalise behaviour that falls short of the ideal self. When we behave ‘correctly,’ the super-ego can reward us by making us feel proud through the ideal self.
Because of the id’s impulses and drives, as well as the superego’s prohibitions and laws, shame is a prevalent problem in traumatised children (those who were not loved unconditionally). Defence mechanisms refer to the various methods in which an individual deals with shame - numbing out through addictions or seeking external validation for example. Many of us have been traumatised and either we don't know it, or are afraid to come forwards because of the stigma around mental illness.
If a person’s ideal self is set too high by their internal critical parent (a reflection of their own parenting) , then anything they do will be viewed as a failure by themselves. They will feel deeply unworthy and ashamed. The ideal self and conscience are mostly formed in childhood as a result of family beliefs and upbringing.
Carl Jung and the ego
Carl Jung famously said that “The first half of life is devoted to forming a healthy ego, the second half is going inward and letting go of it.” Jung concluded in ‘The Structure and Dynamics of the Psyche’ that “Only a life lived in a certain spirit is worth living. It is a remarkable fact that a life lived entirely from the ego is dull not only for the person himself but for all concerned.”
Carl Jung, the psychiatrist who was a spiritual Master
According to Carl Jung the self is a totality consisting of conscious and unconscious contents that dwarfs the ego in scope and intensity. The maturation of the self is the individuation process, which is the goal of the healthy personality.
The ego in the conscious mind
The psyche
Jung writes: "By psyche I understand the totality of all psychic processes, conscious as well as unconscious" So we use the term ‘psyche’ rather than ‘mind’, since mind is used in common parlance to refer to the aspects of mental functioning which are conscious. Jung maintained that the psyche is a self-regulating system (like the body).
The psyche strives to maintain a balance between opposing qualities while at the same time actively seeking its own development or as he called it, individuation. For Jung, the psyche was inherently separable into component parts with complexes and archetypal contents personified and functioning autonomously as complete secondary selves, not just as drives and processes. It is important to think of Jung’s model as a metaphor not as concrete reality, or as something which is not subject to change.
The Self
The Self for Jung comprises the whole of the psyche, including all its potential. It is the organising genius behind the personality, and is responsible for bringing about the best adjustment in each stage of life that circumstances can allow. The goal of the Self is wholeness (integrity), and Jung called this search for wholeness the process of individuation, the purpose being to develop the Self's fullest potential.
Jung wrote in ‘Letters, Volume 1’ “The ego wants explanation in order to assert its existence… Try to live without the ego. Whatever must come to you, will come. Don’t worry!... Don’t allow your Self to be led astray by the ravings of the animus… He will try every stunt to get you out of the realisation of stillness, which is truly the Self.”
The ego self and the Higher Self
In ‘Transformation Symbolism in the Mass’ Jung wrote “The relation of the ego to the Self is like that of the son to the Father.” In ‘The Psychological Aspects of the Kore’ Jung wrote that “The “supraordinate personality” is the total man, i.e., the man as he really is, not as he appears to himself (the ego)… I usually describe the supraordinate personality as the “Self,” thus making a sharp distinction between the ego, which, as is well known, extends only as far as the conscious mind, and the whole of the personality, which includes the unconscious as well as the conscious component. The ego is thus related to the Self as part to the whole. To that extent the Self is supraordinate.”
In ‘Relations between the Ego and the Unconscious’ Jung wrote that “Conscious and unconscious are not necessarily in opposition to one another, but complement one another to form a totality, which is the Self.”
It is a distinguishing feature of Jungian psychology that the theory is organised from the point of view of the Self, not from that of the ego, as early Freudian theory was. The ego, along with other structures, develops out of the Self which exists from the beginning of life. I adhere more to this notion than Freud's. The Self is rooted in biology but also has access to an infinitely wider range of experience, including the whole wealth of the cultural and spiritual realms, and the infinite depths of possibility of which all human beings are capable.
In ‘Memories, Dreams and Reflections’ and ‘Psychology and Alchemy’ Jung wrote “The Self is not only the centre but also the whole circumference which embraces both conscious and unconscious; it is the centre of this totality, just as the ego is the centre of consciousness.”
Jung wrote of the Self “It is a figure comparable to Hiranyagarbha, Purusha, Atman, and the mystic Buddha. For this reason I have elected to call if the “Self,” by which I understand a psychic totality and at the same time a centre, neither of which coincides with the ego, but includes it, just as a larger circle encloses a smaller one.”
Higher consciousness
In describing the true Self, a.k.a the soul or the spirit, Jung wrote in ‘Spirit and Life’ that “Once we have freed ourselves from the prejudice that we have to refer to concepts of eternal experience or to a priori categories of reason, we can turn our attention and curiosity wholly to that strange and unknown thing that we call spirit… From the psychological point of view, the phenomenon of spirit, like every autonomous complex, appears as an intention of the unconscious superior to, or at least on a par with, intentions of the ego. If we are to do justice to the essence of the thing that we call spirit, we should really speak of a “higher” consciousness rather than of the unconscious.”
Transformation
Instead of edging God out (EGO), Jung welcomes God in saying “I cannot prove to you that God exists, but my work has proved empirically that the pattern of God exists in every man and that this pattern in the individual has at its disposal the greatest transforming energies of which life is capable. Find this pattern in your own individual Self and life is transformed.”
Eckhart Tolle’s ego
Fear is the language of the ego.
Eckhart Tolle wrote “Fear seems to have many causes. Fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of being hurt, and so on, but ultimately all fear is the ego's fear of death, of annihilation. To the ego, death is always just around the corner. In this mind-identified state, fear of death affects every aspect of your life... Negative states of mind, such as anger, resentment, fear, envy, and jealousy, are products of the ego.”
The early stages of awakening
Tolle wrote “Many people who are going through the early stages of the awakening process are no longer certain what their outer purpose is. What drives the world no longer drives them. Seeing the madness of our civilisation so clearly, they feel somewhat alienated from the culture around them. Some feel that they inhabit a no-man's-land between two worlds. They are no longer run by the ego, yet the arising awareness has not yet become fully integrated into their lives. Inner and outer purpose have not merged.”
He continues “The ego says, ‘I shouldn’t have to suffer,’ and that thought makes you suffer so much more. It is a distortion of the truth, which is always paradoxical. The truth is that you need to say yes to suffering before you can transcend it… Suffering has a noble purpose: the evolution of consciousness and the burning up of the ego.”
Embrace your pain
Tolle wrote “There have been many people for whom limitations, failure, loss, or pain in whatever form turned out to be their greatest teacher. It taught them to let go of false self-images and superficial ego-dictated goals and desires. It gave them depth, humility and compassion. It made them more real.”
You are not your mind (ego)
Tolle reminds us that we are the observer, not our mind “If you identify with a mental position, then if you are wrong, your mind-based sense of self is seriously threatened with annihilation. So you as the ego cannot afford to be wrong. To be wrong is to die. Wars have been fought over this, and countless relationships have broken down... The identification with thinking becomes ego. Which means simply that you believe in every thought that arises and you derive your sense of who you are from what your mind is telling you who you are... To become free of ego means becoming free of thought.”
Tolle wrote “The ego itself is that dysfunctional way in which the mind works... There is no ego apart from thoughts, the identification with thoughts is ego.”
The ego is so arrogant. Tolle wrote that “Making yourself right and others wrong is one of the principal egoic mind patterns... There is nothing that strengthens the ego more than being right. Being right is identification with a mental position - a perspective, an opinion, a judgement, a story. For you to be right, of course, you need someone else to be wrong, as so the ego loves to make wrong in order to be right... Through being "right", you feel superior and through feeling superior you strengthen your sense of self. In reality, of course, you are only strengthening the illusion of ego.”
He continued “To me the ego is the habitual and compulsive thought processes that go through everybody's mind continuously. External things like possessions or memories or failures or successes or achievements. Your personal history.”
Tolle wrote “Above all, know that ego isn't personal. It isn't who you are. If you consider the ego to be your personal problem, that's just more ego.”
Awareness
Tolle wrote “Whenever there is negativity in you, if you can be aware in that moment that there is something in you that takes pleasure in it or believes it has a useful purpose, you are becoming aware of the ego directly. The moment this happens your identity has shifted from ego to awareness. This means the ego is shrinking and awareness is growing.”
Tolle wrote “You can value and care for things, but whenever you get attached to them, you will know it’s the ego... Whenever you completely accept a loss, you go beyond ego, and who you are, the I AM (as opposed to the ‘I’), which is consciousness itself, emerges.”
He continued “Whatever the ego seeks and gets attached to are substitutes for the BEing that it cannot feel.”
Tolle wrote “When you accept everything for what it is without labels you are outside of your ego.”
The ego and love
Tolle wrote that “To the ego, loving and wanting are the same, whereas true love has no wanting in it, no desire to possess or for your partner to change.”
Tolle continued “A genuine relationship is one that is not dominated by the ego with its image-making and self-seeking. In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever.”
The light of consciousness
Tolle wrote “You cannot fight against the ego and win, just as you cannot fight against darkness. The light of consciousness is all that is necessary. You are that light.”
As we have already said, the ego is simply a negative thought pattern from your conscious mind. Tolle wrote “The moment you become aware of the ego in you, it is strictly no longer the ego but just an old, conditioned mind pattern. Ego implies unawareness. Awareness and ego cannot coexist.”
Presence kills the ego
Tolle wrote “The decision to make the present moment into your friend is the end of ego... The egoic mind is completely conditioned by the past.”
Tolle wrote about the end of suffering being in the present moment “True freedom and the end of suffering is living in such a way as if you had completely chosen whatever you feel or experience at this moment. This inner alignment with Now is the end of suffering. Is suffering really necessary? Yes and no. If you had not suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you as a human being, no humility, no compassion. You would not be reading this now. Suffering cracks open the shell of ego, and then comes a point when it has served its purpose. Suffering is necessary until you realise it is unnecessary.”
He continued “To the ego, the present moment hardly exists. Only past and future are considered important. This total reversal of the Truth accounts for the fact that in the ego mode the mind is so dysfunctional. It is always concerned with keeping the past alive, because without it - who are you?”
Humility is power. Tolle wrote “If you are content with being nobody in particular, content not to stand out, you align yourself with the power of the Universe. What looks like weakness to the ego is in fact the only true strength. This spiritual Truth is diametrically opposed to the values of our contemporary culture and the way it conditions people to behave.” Mahatma Gandhi wrote “Truth is not to be found by anybody who has not got an abundant sense of humility. If you would swim on the bosom of the ocean of Truth you must reduce yourself to zero.“ Tolle wrote “In essence, you are neither inferior nor superior to anyone. True self-esteem and true humility arise out of that realisation. In the eyes of the ego, self-esteem and humility are contradictory. In truth, they are one and the same.”
Tolle gives us a stark warning in his book 'A New Earth' that “The insanity of the collective egoic mind, amplified by science and technology, is rapidly taking our species to the brink of disaster. Evolve or die: that is our only choice now... On the new Earth, as the awakened consciousness comes in, I would say the ego would develop in children and quickly become outgrown when they reach adulthood.”
Tolle continues “By far the greater part of violence that humans inflicted on each other is not the work of criminals or mentally deranged, but of normal, respectable citizens service of the collective ego. One can go so far as to say that on this planet "normal" equals insane. What is it that lies at the root of this insanity? Complete identification with thought and emotion, that is to say, ego.”
We have all been fooled by the ego: Tolle wrote “When you observe the ego in yourself, you are beginning to go beyond it. Don't take the ego too seriously. When you detect egoic behaviour in yourself, smile. At times you may even laugh. How could humanity have been taken in by this for so long? Above all, know that the ego isn't personal. It isn't who you are. If you consider the ego to be your personal problem, that's just more ego.”
Tolle continues “Non-reaction to the ego in others is one of the most effective ways not only of going beyond ego in yourself but also of dissolving the collective human ego.”
Egoic institutions and organisations will fail and collapse: Tolle wrote that “When the ego dominates in organisations, even spiritual organisations, there is usually a big drama or upheaval of some kind, and self-destruction begins... Humanity is reaching the end of the evolutionary stage of ego. The closer we get to the end, the more dysfunctional humanity becomes.” Watch out for egoic institutions tumbling...
Tolle wrote that “The word Enlightenment conjures up the idea of some superhuman accomplishment, and the ego likes to keep it that way, but it is simply your natural state of felt oneness with BEing.”
He continues “Through allowing, you become what you are; vast, spacious. You become whole. You are not a fragment anymore, which is how the ego perceives itself. Your true nature emerges, which is one with the nature of God.”
Conclusions
The ego is a terrible master. It has been defined by important figures in history in a variety of ways. These experts on psychology, philosophy and spiritual Masters all differ slightly in their views. Here is my view on ego, taking all of the above research into account:
When we are born we are all higher Self (Higher Power, soul, spirit, as you will)
We then become conditioned by a broken society and our dysfunctional families (all families where total unconditional love is absent - which is very few of us): This fractures our psyche so a fragment of the conscious part of our self, the ego (also known as the mind) separates and starts wanting to run the show that is our life
The shadow also flakes off and is subconscious - click HERE for my article on this
The inner critic (see above) also comes loose and breaks off
So we are left with a terrified inner child who is trying to run the show along with our ego. They make an undrinkable cocktail
We begin by being totally asleep (that is the paradox - that the conscious part of our brain is asleep and we are ruled by our subconscious, which is yet to awaken) once all these parts have fractured
As we wake up by looking inwards and doing the inner work we dissolve the ego
We embrace our inner child, and tell him that he can go and play, that he no longer needs to run the show, and that we will always be there for him
I threw my inner critic into a bush on one of my nature walks, but we can hire him as a coach or discard him - it's up to us
So we are left with three parts - an inner child who is loved unconditionally by our Higher Power, our shadow ,and our Higher Power
We then visualise merging these three remaining parts back into one during our meditations
Hey presto, or voila, we are then whole, authentic, vulnerable, strong, compassionate, unconditionally loving, limitless, abundant, and at peace
I hope that this article has been useful for you. Please get in touch if you would like to continue the conversation or be guided on this journey that is your life. Much love, light, and blessings to you. Namaste (I see the highest in you). How may I serve you?
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