For my 60th article I thought it was time to address drama. The world seems engulfed in drama. If you’ve ever found yourself trapped in a personal Drama Triangle, you will already know how detrimental it can be to all interpersonal relationships. Just think Christmas lunch with your family: Everyone instantly metamorphosing into their scared, argumentative 7-year-old selves, in a downward spiral of fear, blame, and resentment. Just think flying off the handle with your partner, when actually nothing is wrong. The Drama Triangle also rears its toxic, ugly head in a business context, and it’s something well worth watching out for. If you find yourself experiencing a great deal of conflict but very little resolution in all your interpersonal relationships, you’re probably stuck in the Drama Triangle.
Here’s what you need to know about the roles we play and act that keep us mired in the thick sticky treacle-like sludge of the Drama Triangle and force us to repeat the same old reactions time and time again. Get that sludge out of you. We need to shift from reacting to responding.
Blame perpetuates pain and suffering by reopening emotional wounds and prolonging feelings of resentment and anger. Forgiveness serves as a transformative force offering relief from the burden of grudges and grievances. The only question that you need to ask your Self is: Would you rather have a grievance or a miracle?
This article also examine the roles that support you in living in the present, the only place to permanently solve life’s challenges. I would go as far as saying that the Drama Triangle is a 'must-read' and 'must-understand' concept for everyone. Get ready for clarity about drama, and for some big 'Aha' moments about Truth and your own life. Do send this article on to anyone who would benefit from Truth and clarity. Victimhood is the malaise of humanity and being alive in 2023. Victimhood is the death of a fantasy. Be a victor not a victim. It's time to relinquish identifying with your Victim actor and to start identifying with your true Self: Your Creator. This saviour will see you through what you perceive as your trials and tribulations. Your saviour is you. This is how you will be given blindingly obvious flashes of Truth. This is the path to perceiving life through new eyes. This is the journey of creating miracles. Let's dive in...
What is Karpman’s Drama Triangle?
Stephen B. Karpman’s 'Drama Triangle' is a social model of human interaction, which describes destructive dysfunctional relationships where the people in drama-intense relationship conflicts shift between three acting roles or inauthentic faces: Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim; all held in place by guilt, toxic shame, and blame. When you find yourself stuck in a self-defeating or self-serving role, it’s easy to end up in an extreme state that doesn’t help anyone, neither you nor the people you’re interacting with. The Karpman Drama Triangle models the connection between personal responsibility and power in conflicts, and the destructive and shifting roles people play, time after time. You will see this, as they have done this before, throughout their lives. It's all based on their experience of childhood, not their experience of you. You are just their latest scapegoat. The issue is never the issue.
The Drama Triangle model is used in psychotherapy and in Transformative Life Coaching (TLC), specifically, being adapted for use in Transactional Analysis (see below).
Karpman described how in some cases these roles were not undertaken in an open, honest, courageously vulnerable, authentic manner to resolve the presenting problem (which is never the real problem), but rather were used fluidly and switched between by the 'actors' in a way that achieved unconscious malevolent goals and manifesting hidden ulterior toxic agendas.
The outcome in such cases was that the actors would be left feeling justified and deeply entrenched, to the point of obsession, but there would often be little or no change to the presenting problem in any case, and other more fundamental problems giving rise to the situation remained unaddressed. Invariably, the perceived problem (which is never a real problem) is never the actual problem. The problem is usually one of low self-worth as we have forgotten who we truly are. The reason that people are triggered in any situation is because of this, so the actors project different roles onto others.
The idea is to move away from the extreme edges of the Drama Triangle towards the centre, where there’s a much healthier and more positive balance.
By doing this we move from being an oppressive Persecutor to an assertive person with good boundaries. We shift from playing the role of helpless Victim to a humble yet infinitely powerful state of Self-awareness. We stop being self-sacrificing Rescuers and move towards attunement and compassion.
You then assert rather than persecute
You are vulnerable but you’re not a victim
You are caring but you don’t overstep the mark
Right in the middle of the Drama Triangle, at the sweetest spot of all, we find the place where all our roles integrate, the place where we are Self-aware, present in the moment, and are coming from an assertive level adult place. From a stance where you are okay, and others are too.
The Karpman Drama Triangle
The Victim: The Victim in this model is not intended to represent an actual victim, but rather someone feeling or acting like one, in order to obviate responsibility for their actions as a consenting adult in a relationship, instead retreating into the 7-year-old version of themselves. As Aristotle wrote “Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man.” The Victim seeks to convince themselves and others that they cannot do anything, nothing can be done, all attempts are futile, despite trying hard to the point of literal obsession. One payoff for this stance is avoiding real change or acknowledgement of their true feelings, which may bring anxiety and risk, while feeling they are doing all they can to escape it. As such, the Victim's stance is "Poor me!" As the 12-step aphorism goes "Poor me, pour me" - the actor claiming the victim role may resort to various addictions to numb the pain of Truth, which is unbearable to the abysmally failing actor, as they refuse to do the inner work that is required. The Victim sees themselves as victimised, persecuted, oppressed, perpetually hypervigilant, dysregulated, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed, and seems unable to make decisions, solve problems, take pleasure in life, achieve insight, or value their loved ones. They cannot see that they are enough; that what they have is enough. They are passive and can deny any responsibility for their negative circumstances and deny having the ability to change their circumstances. The Victim will remain with a Persecutor or, if not being persecuted, will set someone else up in the role of Persecutor to do their evil mischievous deeds for them. This is the territory of internet trolls, hiding one step away from reality. They will also seek help in inappropriate unhealthy places, creating one or more Rescuers to save the day, who will in reality perpetuate the Victim's negative feelings and leave the situation totally unchanged. Remember, the ego is a liar, and may assume the role of Rescuer. Rescuers never rescue anyone. The Victim does not take personal responsibility or accountability as an adult. The Victim actor is a state of BEing and false hope based on longstanding fear
The Rescuer: The Rescuer's line is "Let me help you." A classic enabler, the Rescuer feels guilty if they do not go to the rescue, and ultimately becomes angry and aggressive (and becomes a Persecutor) as their help fails to achieve change: It can't. Their attempt at rescuing has negative effects: it keeps the Victim dependent and doesn't allow the Victim permission to fail and experience the consequences of their choices and actions. The rewards derived from this Rescuer role are that the focus is taken away from the Rescuer, who can also feel good for having tried, and justified in their negative feelings (towards the other actor/s) upon failing. When they focus their energy on someone else, it enables them to ignore their own anxiety, shortcomings, and troubles for a very short while. But it's never enough to satiate them so they keep repeating the same behavioural patterns with anyone they can get their claws on. The Rescuer role is also pivotal because their actual primary interest is really an avoidance of their own problems, badly disguised as concern for the Victim's needs. They are never concerned for the Victim, only themselves.
The Persecutor: (a.k.a. the Villain) The Persecutor insists, "It's all your fault." The Persecutor is controlling, attacking, Narcissistic, arrogant, blaming, belittling, fearful, resentful, critical, oppressive, angry, authoritarian, rigid, deluded, manipulative, lying, superior, to the point where they actually believe their utterly distorted view of life. But, if blamed in turn, the Persecutor may become defensive, and may switch roles to become a Victim if attacked forcefully by the Rescuer and/or Victim, in which case the Victim may also switch roles to become a Persecutor. A Persecutor is someone who puts other people down and belittles them.
Initially, a Drama Triangle arises when a person takes on the role of a Victim or Persecutor. This person then feels the need to enlist other players into the conflict. As often happens, a Rescuer is encouraged to enter the situation. These enlisted players take on roles of their own that are not static, and therefore various scenarios can occur. The Victim might turn on the Rescuer, for example, while the Rescuer then switches to persecution. This leads to people befriending others who are actually totally toxic to them and their life, whom they would never normally frequent.
The reason that the situation persists is that each participant has their (frequently unconscious) psychological wishes or 'needs' (usually attention, which they cannot get in the real world by being their authentic selves) met without having to acknowledge the broader dysfunction or harm done in the situation as a whole. Each participant is acting upon their own selfish egocentric fear-driven needs, rather than acting in a genuinely responsible or altruistic manner as an adult.
The motivations of the Rescuer are the least obvious. In the terms of the Drama Triangle, the Rescuer has a mixed or covert motive and benefits egoically in some way from being "the one who rescues". The Rescuer has a surface motive of resolving the problem and appears to make great efforts to solve it, but also has a hidden motive to not succeed, or to succeed in a way in which they benefit. They may get a self-esteem boost, for example, or receive respected rescue status, or derive enjoyment by having someone depend on them and trust them and act in a way that ostensibly seems to be trying to help, but at a deeper level plays upon the victim in order to continue getting a payoff. The Rescuer is using the Victim, who is all too happy to go along with it through lack of: Clarity; introspection; and personal responsibility.
The relationship between the Victim and the Rescuer may be one of codependency. The Rescuer keeps the Victim dependent by encouraging their victimhood. The Victim gets their needs met by having the Rescuer take care of them.
Participants generally tend to have a primary or habitual role (Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor) when they enter into Drama Triangles, which may be repeated frequently throughout life. Participants first learn their habitual role in their family of origin, through childhood trauma, at an early age. Even though participants each have a role with which they most identify, once on the triangle, participants rotate through all the three positions. Each Drama Triangle has a "payoff" for those playing it. The "antithesis" of a Drama Triangle lies in discovering how to deprive the actors of their payoff.
As you can imagine, being stuck in or flipping between the roles of oppressive Persecutor, helpless Victim, or ‘good’ self-sacrificing Rescuer doesn’t make you a talented leader, friend, or lover: Quite the opposite.
So how do you move out of these extraordinarily unhelpful roles when you find yourself slipping into one of them? How can you change the negative habitual roles you keep falling into? By stepping out of them, you and everyone you encounter in a personal or professional context will benefit. The quality of leadership presence may actually depend upon your ability to do so. So will the success of all your relationships.
It’s your job to be aware of the roles you play, or have been placed in, and if they trap you in the Drama Triangle, to find ways to shift yourself out of that position. Moving to the centre of the triangle means you stop acting the Victim, Rescuer or Persecutor. Noticing your immediate reactions and putting in a pause moment between the stimulus and your response, can help you to respond rather than react. It may just stop you in your tracks and avoid you sliding into the Drama Triangle dynamics. It allows you to remain seated at the seat of your soul: The entire reason for an awakening Hero's Journey.
Refuse to accept your opponent’s force. Stop struggling. Surrender to presence. Neatly avoid awkward, indefensible, or unreasonable positions. Once you move to the centre, your opponent will fall away. They will dissolve: They are not real. It can be a simple and yet remarkable tactic. You will also be using ther force of tghe opponent against themselves, like a judo move, or as a peaceful Enlightened warrior (like a Samurai).
All this requires you to examine any ingrained thinking patterns that you want to change and adapt or replace them. You can simply refuse to be either superior or inferior – doing so breaks the Drama Triangle. Once you stop the game, the drama stops too. You can stop acting as the Victim - ‘poor me’, ignoring your own needs, giving in to people even when it’s not a good idea, or always taking the blame. To stop being a Victim you need to accept the relationship with the other person, face the fact you’re the one who will need to change, that you have to clean up your side of the street, face your fears, and take better actions. You can also stop trying to fix people. You can't fix anyone else. No-one is broken. Rescuers are natural caretakers and it’s a hard habit to break since it involves heavy emotions like guilt and obligation. Living beyond the Drama Triangle roles is about managing your own boundaries and having a strong sense of your own agency and value. None of this means you care less about people. It simply means you’ll be able to make better choices for yourself and for others who are stuck in Drama Triangles of their own.
Learn the about the roles that keep you stuck in the Drama Triangle and have you repeating issues in your life. Also learn about the roles that support you in living in presence where you can permanently solve your life's challenges. Understanding The Drama Triangle can be a game changer for identifying how you keep yourself stuck in all areas of your life. The Karpman Drama Triangle destroys relationships. You can escape it through presence, Acey Choy’s Winner’s Triangle, ‘The Power of TED: The Empowerment Dynamic’ described by David Emerald, and through non-violent communication. These strategies map out what's possible when you shift from threat and fear (drama) to trust and love (presence). Escape the grip of drama and take control of your life.
Understanding the Drama Triangle Versus Presence. Credit to the Conscious Leadership Group
The Karpman Drama Triangle Destroys Relationships (Transactional Analysis) by Psychotherapist Teresa Lewis
The Winner's Triangle
The 'Winner's Triangle' was published by Acey Choy in 1990 as a therapeutic model for showing patients how to alter social transactions when entering a triangle at any of the three entry points. Choy recommends that anyone feeling like a Victim think more in terms of being vulnerable and caring, that anyone cast as a Persecutor adopt an assertive posture, and anyone recruited to be a rescuer should react by being "caring".
Vulnerable – a Victim should be encouraged to accept their vulnerability (for that is where miracles may be claimed), problem solve, and be more Self-aware.
Assertive – a Persecutor should be encouraged to ask for what they want, be assertive, but not be punishing.
Caring – a Rescuer should be encouraged to show concern and be caring, but not over-reach and problem solve.
The Power of TED: The Empowerment Dynamic
This was described by David Emerald in his brilliant book of the same name. first published in 2009, (now the 10th anniversary edition) recommends that the "Victim" adopt the alternative role of Creator, view the Persecutor as a Challenger, and enlist a Coach instead of a Rescuer. This is the domain of TLC. If you read one book this week, make it this one.
Creator – Victims are encouraged to be outcome-oriented as opposed to problem-oriented and take responsibility for choosing their response to life challenges. They should focus on resolving "dynamic tension" (the difference between current reality and the envisioned goal or outcome) by taking incremental steps toward the outcomes they are trying to achieve.
Challenger – a Victim is encouraged to see a Persecutor as a person (or situation) that forces the creator to clarify their needs, and focus on their learning and growth. You simply cannot grow as a Victim. You are not a Victim, and you are getting in your own way.
Coach – a Rescuer should be encouraged to ask questions that are intended to help the individual to make informed choices. The key difference between a Rescuer and a Coach is that the coach sees the Creator as capable of making choices and of solving their own problems. A Coach asks questions that enable the Creator to see the possibilities for positive action, and to focus on what they do want instead of what they don't want.
Non-violent Communication
This aims to empower the individual, by bringing him or her to the awareness of his or her needs, and to the ability to formulate demands. It seeks to give back to the people in the relationship the means and the capacity to cooperate.
In term of needs, we can therefore say that:
The Victim is unable to contact/formulate his or her needs, and being unable to make a request, takes the strategy of transferring the problem to someone else (The Rescuer);
The Rescuer takes care of the needs of others, so that they do not have to take care of their own, and so that they do not have to feel the discomfort of their unmet needs;
The Persecutor listens to their own needs and not to those of others.
In terms of autonomy, the Drama Triangle becomes:
The Victim is not autonomous (does not know how to take care of their needs or make requests);
The Persecutor denies the autonomy of the other, but needs the Victim to believe they are autonomous;
The Rescuer too, by helping the Victim without an explicit request, avoids taking care of themselves.
In terms of relationships
The Victim is unable to contact/formulate their needs, and cannot make a request. They seek a strategy to regain access to their needs;
The Rescuer will allow the Victim to create a relationship, and through the relationship they will seek the mirror of their own needs;
The relationship with the Persecutor will force the Victim to return to the awareness of their needs.
The relationship with the Persecutor shows the Victim responsibility, and their relationship with the Rescuer shows them the possibilities and their power, so that ultimately the Victim can achieve autonomy.
Exit strategy: In the triangle, if one of the three acquires awareness of the deep needs, it leads them to leave their role. And if they touch the mutual needs then presumably they will unconsciously influence the other two to leave their roles. Or even to do so explicitly, if they have the clarity of the triangle diagram and propose the consideration of the needs of all three.
We could therefore distinguish several levels of awareness of needs (superficial, deep, mutual) and three fields of action (feeding only one's own needs, unconscious influence to take into account mutual needs, and conscious/explicit influence to take into account mutual needs).
Example: The Persecutor touches their individual needs, in a superficial way, like existence and recognition. If they go deeper, they could access their needs for intensity; harmony; communion. These (deep) needs will lead them to leave their role of Persecutor. The need for communion would also lead the Persecutor to contact recognition, mirrored in the Victim ('mutual needs').
In the Victim, behind the (superficial) need for recognition, there could be the (deeper) needs for: identity; belonging; and autonomy.
In the Rescuer, behind the (superficial) need for recognition, there could be the (deeper) needs for: support; contribution; and responsibility. Contacting autonomy would transform the Victim's expectation of the Rescuer, who would become a Coach to help (support and contribute), and in awareness of his or her limits (responsibility) and with the aim of empowering the Victim (and no longer of taking charge).
The Theory of Triangulation
The theory of triangulation was originally published in 1966 by Murray Bowen as one of eight parts of Bowen's family systems theory. Triangulation is the “process whereby a two-party relationship that is experiencing tension will naturally involve third parties to reduce tension”. Simply put, when people find themselves in conflict with another person, they will reach out to a third person. In today's world that means through social media. This is the inauthentic, disconnected, crucible that creates trolls.
The resulting triangle feels more more comfortable as it can hold much more tension because the tension is being shifted around three people instead of two. But it is an illusion that leads you down a very dark path: The ego is a liar. Bowen considered differentiation and triangles the crux of his theory, also known as Bowen Family Systems Theory.
Pathological Triangles
In 1968, Nathan Ackerman conceptualised a destructive triangle. Ackerman stated "we observe certain constellations of family interactions which we have epitomised as the pattern of family interdependence, roles those of destroyer or Persecutor, and he Victim of the scapegoating attack" Ackerman also recognised the pattern of attack, defence, and counterattack, as shifting roles.
It's not a drama: It's your life. It's not a Drama Triangle: It's a toxic triangle of persecution.
Click here to read my article about Transactional Analysis:
In the 1950s, Eric Berne developed Transactional Analysis, a method for studying interactions between individuals. This approach was profoundly different from that of Freud. While Freud relied on asking patients about themselves, Berne felt that a therapist could learn by observing what was communicated (words, body language, facial expressions) in a transaction. So instead of directly asking the patient questions, Berne would frequently observe the patient in a group setting, noting all of the transactions that occurred between the patient and other individuals.
In 1968, Stephen Karpman, who had an interest in acting and was a member of the Screen Actors Guild, chose "Drama Triangle" rather than "Conflict Triangle" as, here, the Victim in his model is not intended to represent an actual victim, but rather someone feeling or acting like one. He first published his theory in an article entitled "Fairy Tales and Script Drama Analysis". His article, in part, examined the fairy tale "Little Red Riding Hood" to illustrate its points. Karpman was, at the time, a recent graduate of Duke University School of Medicine and was doing post post-graduate studies under Berne. Berne, who founded the field transactional analysis, encouraged Karpman to publish what Berne referred to as "Karpman's triangle". Karpman's article was published in 1968. In 1972, Karpman received the Eric Berne Memorial Scientific Award for the work.
Conclusions
Don't take my word for it, the Drama Triangle is nothing new. The solutions are listed above. What they all point to is that a return to your true Self, rather than acting an inauthentic role is required to solve all your problems. It's time for you to awaken to abundance, rather than fear, lack, hatred, and pain. That is not who you are. The choice is yours.
If you focus on the perceived hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow.
You have agency over your life. The key is to surrender to presence. Your previous strategies didn't work. You were living out of fear and your actions kept you small and you tried to make others small. Others are nothing to do with you. You need to take responsibility for your life. Create something meaningful. You are worthy of a good life. You need to look inwards and find your higher Self. Only you can free your Self. This is the way, the Truth, and the life of BEing a light for the world. Be the best you that you can be. There is no need for an actor to play your role.
The best way to conclude this article is to quote:
William Shakespeare, the Bard, wrote in Macbeth:
"Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
Need I say anything more? I am here to serve you in this great dance and illusion that is life.
Let me know if you want to continue this conversation...
Email me: hello@transformativelifecoach.co.uk
“Transformative life coaching uniquely creates and holds the space for you to see your self afresh, with clarity, and step into new ways of BEing, which will transform how you perceive and intuitively create your world. My work is to guide you to raise your own conscious awareness to the level that you want to achieve.” Olly Alexander Branford
My coaching themes and services: Transformative Life Coaching, Transformational Coaching, Life Coaching, Personal Coaching, Positive Psychology Coaching, Recovery Coaching, Trauma Informed Coaching, Work Addiction Coaching, Workaholism Coaching, Addiction Coaching, Mindfulness Coaching.
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Hello,
I am very pleased to meet you. Thank you for reading this far. I very much look forward to connecting with the highest version of you, to seeing your highest possibility, and to our conversations. Please do contact me via my website for a free connection call and a free experience of coaching.
See you soon,
Olly Alexander Branford MBBS, MA(Cantab), PhD
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I have a Bachelor's degree in Natural Sciences from Trinity College, Cambridge; a Master's Degree in Philosophy from Trinity College, Cambridge; a PhD Doctorate in Scientific Research from University College London (UCL); a Medical Degree (MD/MBBS) from The Royal Free Hospital School of Medicine, London and have been a doctor and reconstructive trauma and cancer surgeon in London for 20 years. I have published over 50 peer reviewed scientific journal articles, have been an associate editor and frequent scientific faculty member, and am the author of several scientific books. I have been awarded my Diploma in Transformative Life Coaching in London, which has International Coaching Federation (ICF) Accreditation, as well as the UK Association for Coaching (AC), and the European Mentoring and Coaching Council (EMCC). I have been on my own transformative journey full time for four years and I am ready to be your guide to you finding out who you really are and how the world works.