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Don't Judge

Updated: Mar 28

Don't judge your Self or anyone else. Who are you to judge anyway?


Arthur Schopenhauer, the brilliant German philosopher, wrote that “Compassion is the basis of all morality.”


Jiddu Krishnamurti wrote that "The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.


Anyone can show up when you're happy. But the ones who stay by your side when your heart falls apart, they are yo true friends.


Wilson Kanadi wrote "Those who judge will never understand, and those who understand will never judge." So why does society cultivate judgement machines? It's because those who judge were judged as children and they may or may not remember. They try to become your critical parent: Say no to that! You have been judeged enough already!


Don't judge




At the same time, it is worth remembering that, as Matt Haig wrote in 'Reasons to Stay Alive' "There is no standard normal. Normal is subjective. There are seven billion versions of normal on this planet... Mental health problems don’t define who you are. They are something you experience. You walk in the rain and you feel the rain, but you are not the rain." We are all on a spectrum. Being human is characterised by neurodiversity: This is a framework for understanding human brain function and mental illness. It argues that diversity in human cognition is normal and that some conditions classified as mental disorders are differences that are not necessarily pathological.


At the end of the day: You are you. Don’t dwell on labels. Again, we are all on a spectrum, including you, and everyone else that you meet, and only you know who you truly are. You need to find your Self deep inside and stop your mind from constantly identifying with the negative self-talk and 'catastrophising', that is not actually thinking. You do this by becoming more mindful: You do this by getting out of your mind, and into your heart. 


As Lady Jennie Jerome Churchill, mother of Sir Winston Churchill, wrote "All natures are in Nature." It's freeing to realise that we are all unique, worthy, human BEings. We are all blessed by having similarities (in that we all have the human condition) and differences, which should be celebrated. Perfectionism only leads to inauthenticity, reaffirmation of the false notion that we are not worthy, and self-sabotage.


The problem lies not in our neurodiversity, which is a gift, but in the stigma and judgement from those (who are also neurodiverse) who lack understanding, clarity, compassion, and wisdom: This is why they judge. Arthur Schopenhauer said "Compassion is the basis of morality."


Toxicity and judgement therefore comes from those who are disconnected with reality, themselves and each other. Their judgement comes from denial and projection, which is when people project onto others what they can't face and deny in themselves.


Martin Luther King Jr. wrote "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that... Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness... There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies." We are all human beings: We are all different yet equally worthy, beautiful, and loveable souls. Because we all feel like we are drowning right now, which we are not and all is actually well, we all try to drown each other in an attempt to save ourselves. It needn't be that way. The way out is through understanding, forgiveness, and compassion: For oneself and others.



Compassion is the key. Compassion is what we find at the end of the spiritual rainbow after we have taken the transformative journey. It's the pot of gold that never runs out. It's a core value that underpins so many others such as love and service. It's one of my core values.


Sometimes, we can be thrown off balance by another person's questions - or by the confidence of their assumptions. Our certainties may be shattered when the way we see our identity, circumstances, or commitments seems to be called into question. We don't have to come up with an answer simply because we have been questioned. Instead of rushing to defend ourselves when we feel put on the spot, we can take a deep breath and stop to consider what it is about ideas and beliefs different from our own that challenge us. We have choices about how to respond.

Some circumstances require that we simply state our own Truth with clarity, others that we protect ourselves from an invasion of our boundaries, and still others that we keep an open mind and consider broadening our point of view. We can take time to decide which response is appropriate. Today, don't react; respond from your understanding of the Truth.


Maya Angelou said “My mission in life is not simply to survive, but to thrive, and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humour, and some style." Fyodor Dostoyevsky wrote “Compassion is the chief law of human existence.” Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us that action is required “Compassion is a verb.” John Holmes agrees “There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.” Jenni Schaefer reminds us that compassion begins with the Self and involves action: “Real hope combined with real action has always pulled me through difficult times. Real hope combined with doing nothing has never pulled me through.”


The word compassion originates from the Latin compati (com means with and pati/passio means suffer) meaning to 'suffer with.' Passion means suffering and relates to the suffering of Christ on the cross. Our society is one in which we are all traumatised, even if we don't know it, and can be best described as a world where traumatised people go round deliberately traumatising other traumatised people. This is such nonsense. We feel like we are all drowning. But we are all the same; and we are not drowning. Why do people try to drown others? They do it because they are asleep and they are having nightmares that others are trying to drown them, which they are not. You live in an illusory fear-based reality. This is why you are incapable of unconditional love until you wake up. The transformational journey is one of waking up: Compassion is an essential element of this and is one of the highest spiritual core values, and also a rarely used superpower. Without compassion we cannot heal ourselves or the world.


The inner critic, the superego (above the ego), tells us we haven’t got what it takes. This is the internalised voice of our parents who tell us that we aren’t good enough. Some people then choose their work based on being able to continue to exercise their inner critic on others. There was wisdom behind this voice originally to ensure our survival or our parents wanted the best for us (even if it's not who we want to be). The ego says "I am alone and only 2 years old" (the petrified young child in us). We start to believe "If I work hard enough maybe I will be loved or be loveable?" These adaptations have a purpose early on in life in ensuring survival through attachment to our parents, but they outstay their welcome. Like a child-sized life raft (the coping mechanism) to cross a raging torrent (our childhood) that we carry but don't need any more (and it is wrong-sized and has holes in it anyway). Attachment is a very fragile state to be in. So you develop ways to seek attachment that are not so vulnerable where you don’t have to ask for it. You were hurt when you were small so you want to develop less fragile ways of being: If you weren't loved, seen or recognised for who you were; which is most of us.


You then depersonalised the attachment. You became consumed by attracting attention: By being attractive, Photoshopping your images in Instagram, buying expensive clothes or having cosmetic surgery. Or you tried to win approval: Through success, achievement or accolades. As Dr. Gabor Maté says "The world rewards you for betraying your Self... Are you following a calling or being driven? If you are following a calling you are in charge. If you are being driven, you are not in the driver's seat. You are like a leaf being driven by the wind, tumbling and tumbling. Eventually you end up in trouble." You might have tried to be important and sought status eg. by helping others - by becoming a doctor; or by becoming a lawyer; or an actor (craving the limelight). Or you tried to become very nice so that you were liked - you became a 'people pleaser'. You might have become very charming.


Our whole society runs on these false attributes: This is 'imitation love', not 'real unconditional love.' They are just displacements of genuine attachment needs. They are runaway addictive as they don’t satisfy. It’s hard to get enough of something that 'almost works'. You keep needing more as it almost works. You are never totally satisfied as you suspect that it’s not the real you who is liked. This is true - we wear masks and never show up as our authentic selves for the fear of not being loved and therefore abandoned; which is our greatest fear other than death (the two are related). So all these forms of imitation love never fully satiate. Satiation, like joy, can only come from within. It can never come from fillers and botox. There is an awakening peace from transformation. For this, we have to look within.


The superego delivered shame to our very core: It can all be addressed with compassion. Compassion is the antidote to shame. How does one cultivate Self-compassion when one never received it? The compassionate presence of another, as an 'Enlightened Witness', allows Self-compassion to develop. It is human interaction in an awakened state where we feel compassion from another that allows us to have Self-compassion. The Buddha did it alone: For the rest of us we need another person: Coaching from a place of presence truly helps. This is why I start all my TLC coaching sessions with a meditation into presence. I will see, hear and value you without judgement.


Plato wrote “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” When the anger from projection takes root in our heart, compassion is choked out. Carl Jung wrote “Thinking is difficult, that’s why most people judge.” Buddha said “You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger... Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Nelson Mandela echoed “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemy.” A Chinese proverb sums this up "If you hold on to resentment, you may as well dig two graves." Make peace with your past so that it won't disturb your future, or that of others.


Steve Maraboli said “How would your life be different if… You stopped making negative judgmental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day… You look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey… It is only with true love and compassion that we can begin to mend what is broken in the world. It is these two blessed things that can begin to heal all broken hearts.”


Saint Francis Of Assisi wrote “If you have men who will exclude any of God’s creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who will deal likewise with their fellow men.” Dr. Gabor Maté says that "Only when compassion is present, will people allow themselves to see the Truth." This is why the tabloid press, which has no compassion as they are selling their souls to sell copy, which is their sole concern, is not after the Truth and they are incapable of seeing it. They sell judgement based on lies, destroying lives without conscience, even when their own families are known to be dysfunctional. Mahatma Gandhi said “I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet”....and neither should you! Why would you go through the pain of awakening and allow others who have not done the difficult inner work to make any comments about you? Albert Camus wrote “It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.” Why would supposedly respectable institutions take up the axe?: Fear for their own survival, and lack of understanding.


Mother Theresa said “I would rather make mistakes in kindness and compassion than work miracles in unkindness and hardness.” Why is Truth so important and powerful? It's because anything else apart from Truth will create suffering for everyone. Our essential nature is Truth. When you reject Truth you reject who you truly are. If you put anything ahead of Truth you create suffering. So much suffering is caused by people refusing to look at the Truth. That’s why the Buddha talked about the Four Noble Truths. The Dalai Lama XIV says in 'The Art of Happiness' “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” The Dalai Lama XIV said “Compassion is the radicalism of our time.” Arthur Schopenhauer wrote "Compassion is the basis of morality." Meister Eckhart, the German philosopher and scholar, wrote "You may call God love, you may call God goodness. But the best name for God is compassion."


Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own. Walt Whitman, poet and journalist, wrote “Be curious, not judgemental.”


Jesus said in John 8:7 “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to cast a stone.” Friedrich Nietzsche said “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”


If you want to find peace and serenity in life, let go of judgement (as well as attachment and resistance). Non-judgement is the basis of surrender.


Jesus said in Matthew 7 “Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again..”



Speak in such a way that others love to listen to you: Listen in such a way that others love to speak to you.


George Bernard Shaw wrote that “Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” Are you ready to change your mind?


Namaste.


Sending you love, light, and blessings brothers.


Olly



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Hello,

I am delighted and enchanted to meet you. I coach men with 'Deep Coaching', 'Supercoaching', and Transformative Life Coaching (TLC). Thank you for reading this far. I very much look forward to connecting with the highest version of you, to seeing your highest possibility, and to our conversations. Please do contact me via my email for a free connection call and a free experience of coaching on Zoom or in person. 


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I have a Bachelor's degree in Natural Sciences from Trinity College, Cambridge; a Master's Degree in Philosophy from Trinity College, Cambridge; a PhD Doctorate in Scientific Research from University College London (UCL); a Medical Degree (MD/MBBS) from The Royal Free Hospital School of Medicine, London and have been a doctor and reconstructive trauma and cancer surgeon in London for 20 years. I have a number of other higher qualifications in science and surgery. I have published over 50 peer reviewed PubMed cited scientific journal articles, have been an associate editor and frequent scientific faculty member, and am the author of several scientific books. I have been awarded my Diploma in Transformative Life Coaching in London, which has International Coaching Federation (ICF) Accreditation, as well as the UK Association for Coaching (AC), and the European Mentoring and Coaching Council (EMCC). I have been on my own transformative journey full time for over five years and I am ready to be your guide to you finding out who you really are and how the world works.




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