If You Consider Every Conflict That You Have Ever Had, Why Did It Turn Sour? Transactional Analysis Has The Answers
Connection is what happens when two people listen to each other and spend time together without their thinking or agendas getting in the way.
Transactional Analysis (TA) is is a psychoanalytic theory and method of therapy, developed by Eric Berne during the 1950s. Eric Berne was Canadian and his field of expertise was rooted in psychoanalysis. His ideas for TA developed from Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalytic theory that childhood experiences have a great impact on our lives as adults and are the basis for the development of our personalities, and psychological or emotional issues that we suffer. In the same way, Berne believed that our childhood experiences, particularly how we are parented, effects the developmental formation of our three ego states (Parent, Adult and Child). This can then unconsciously cause us to replay the same attitudes and behaviours that our parents had towards us to someone else during a conversation, or to respond to communication and interactions with past childhood anxieties and emotions. Eric Berne proposed that "Dysfunctional behaviour is the result of Self-limiting decisions made in childhood in the interest of survival."
What is Successful and Effective Communication? TA May Hold The Answers
Such Self-limiting decisions culminate in what Berne called the “life script,” the pre-conscious life plan that governs the way life is lived out. Changing the life script is the aim of transactional analysis psychotherapy. Replacing violent organisational or societal scripting toxic behaviours with cooperative non-violent behaviour is the aim of other applications of transactional analysis. Since Berne’s creation of TA, other psychotherapists and psychologists have added to it, developing the theory and its therapeutic applications further, such as Thomas Harris and Claude Steiner. However, although TA was born 70 years ago, it remains the most important and valid way of analysing and changing toxic interactions. In TA, these interactions, or communication exchanges, are referred to as transactions. Transformative Life Coaching (TLC) encompasses TA approaches. During a conversation with someone, the person starting the communication will give the ‘transaction stimulus’ and then the person receiving this stimulus (or message of communication) will give the ‘transaction response’.
TA is the method used to analyses this process of transactions in communication with others. It requires us to be aware of how we feel, think and behave during interactions with others.
Transactional Analysis: Ego States & Basic Transactions
Ego states
TA recognised that the human personality is made up of three “ego states”; each of which is an entire system of thought, feeling, and behaviour from which we interact with each other. The Parent, Adult and Child ego states and the interaction between them form the foundation of transactional analysis theory. Which state we are in during an interaction depends on a few factors, such as how we have been conditioned to act or react from childhood, any childhood traumas which now cause us to act in a certain way during particular interactions or situations, and how the other person we are interacting with is treating us/ what ego state they are in when speaking to us. Transactional analysts are trained to recognise which ego states people are transacting from and to follow the transactional sequences so they can intervene and improve the quality and effectiveness of communication.
The parent in TA may either be the inner critic described above, or a ‘people-pleaser’ permissive parent. The assertive adult you is exactly that. The child in TA is your 'inner child'. In other words, all these ego states are described above, with the addition of the ‘people-pleaser’ permissive parent.
Child state
There are two subdivisions of the child state; The adapted child and the free child ego states. This is when we interact and respond to someone based on our past conditioning of internal emotions, felt in childhood, so when we revert back to our thinking and feeling from when we were children. The child ego state is built on any reinforcements we were given in childhood, either positive or negative, to behave or not behave in a certain way, that still conditions and affects our interactions today. The adapted child state conforms and acts in accordance to others' wishes in order to please them and be seen as good and liked, but it also has a rebellious side when faced with perceived conflict and causes responses of resistance, hostility, and emotional reactivity. This may involve storming out of a room for example. The reaction may be passive or passive-aggressive. The free child ego state can be creative, spontaneous, playful and pleasure-seeking.
Parent state
There are two subdivisions of the parent state; The critical/ controlling parent state and the nurturing parent state. This is behaviour and thinking patterns we have been taught from our past interactions with our parents and other authority figures (teachers, grandparents etc). Berne believed our experiences during our first five years of life contributed to the parent ego state. This state holds a lot of judgments on how someone or something is, i.e., it's that state where we find ourselves saying a lot of ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’ about something. People are in this state when they are reactive to a situation, rather than responsive and reflexive, and act out of their conditioning, copying how their parents (or another authority figure) treated them and others, instead of analysing each situation afresh in the here and now, by being present. It is when we use are 'voice of authority' towards someone. The critical parent is disapproving in a harsh and possibly aggressive way, whereas the nurturing parent tries to take over a situation in more of a rescuing way, trying to sooth others, which can be very inappropriate when talking to other adults rather than children.
Adult state
Unlike the other two, the adult state does not have any subdivisions. The adult state interacts with people and its environment in the here and now, not from past conditioning or how other people have told them to be. This state is more open, more rational, intuitive, and less quick to make harsh judgments on a situation or person. People in this state are expressing their 'highest Self'. It's their true nature without conditioning. When communication takes place from the adult state, we are more likely to be respectful, make compromises, listen fully to others, and have more healthy social interactions. This is the state that I speak to during our TLC sessions. It invites you to do the same. It's like a mutual Namaste - 'I salute the highest version of you.' By BEing in the adult state, thoughts, words and actions are deeply reflective and respectful. This is 'assertive communication.'
So, the three states of child, parent and adult affect how we receive, perceive and respond to information or communication from someone. Transactional analysis and TLC believe that adult to adult communication/ transactions leads to the most effective and healthy communication and thus relationships with others.
Transactions in TA. Credit: www.toolshero.com
Transactional Analysis: Games
Complementary transactions
A complementary transaction takes place when the lines between the ego state of the sender and that of the receiver are parallel. When this complementary transaction happens from adult-to-adult state, it is thought to be the best type of communication, as it is respectful and reduces conflicts.
Crossed transactions
In a crossed transaction it requires one or both of the people in the interaction to shift ego states for communication to be able to carry on. TA believes that if you respond from your adult state it is more likely that the sender can then also come back into their adult state, to accommodate for the discrepancy in uncomplimentary ego states, resulting in transactions from adult to adult, which are healthier and more respectful, as I have described above. The three different transactions in communication are not defined by verbal language and words alone, it also incorporates tone of voice, body language and facial expressions.
TA can be used in TLC, in a brief solution-focused way, or a more in-depth long-term way, with the aim of gaining more insight into our unconscious world, understanding ourselves and our inner dialogue, and improving our relationships with others and reducing conflict, with adult to adult communication. Working on presence, a fundamental pillar of transformation as a tool to remain in our adult state.
Research on TA has demonstrated its effectiveness and its ability to improve relationships, especially increased intimacy, bonding, and improved communication issues, and decrease conflict, improve individual life satisfaction including self-esteem, and also shows its effectiveness in aiding people at work during their interactions with clients.
Sending you love, light, and blessings.
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I have a Bachelor's degree in Natural Sciences from Trinity College, Cambridge; a Master's Degree in Philosophy from Trinity College, Cambridge; a PhD Doctorate in Scientific Research from University College London (UCL); a Medical Degree (MD/MBBS) from The Royal Free Hospital School of Medicine, London and have been a doctor and reconstructive trauma and cancer surgeon in London for 20 years. I have published over 50 peer reviewed scientific journal articles, have been an associate editor and frequent scientific faculty member, and am the author of several scientific books. I have been awarded my Diploma in Transformative Life Coaching in London, which has International Coaching Federation (ICF) Accreditation, as well as the UK Association for Coaching (AC), and the European Mentoring and Coaching Council (EMCC). I have been on my own transformative journey full time for four years and I am ready to be your guide to you finding out who you really are and how the world works.