Your Enlightened Witness

Updated: 6 days ago

Everyone would benefit from having an ‘Enlightened Witness’ in their life. Do you have one? And what does this mean? I am at your service...

What is an Enlightened Witness?

Alice Miller, the psychologist, psychoanalyst, philosopher, and researcher on childhood trauma, described the role of an Enlightened Witness as providing emotional support and helping an individual to engage in emotional recovery. An Enlightened Witness is an individual who possesses a high level of awareness, compassion, and understanding, who may serve as a supportive presence for others as they navigate their journey of personal growth development, what Carl Gustav Jung described as 'individuation'. All practitioners will tell you that engagement of young people or their families involves creating a space in which they feel safe and heard – I suspect value of engagement has roots in this concept, which was quite alien to traditional psychoanalysis where the therapist was supposed to be a blank mirror. Miller was way ahead of her time. She stressed that psychological abuse is more damaging that physical or sexual abuse and that casual violence towards children, including smacking is pernicious – the latter is still controversial, although how we expect children to learn to emotionally regulate and resolve conflict when the adults around them respond by slapping, is worrying. Psychological abuse and dysfunctionality in families results from a lack of unconditional love, so that children do not grow up feeling that they can be who they truly are, and instead create a 'false self' or 'mask' (ego) to present to the world. This can be deadly to them.

Miller’s compassion came through lived experience, the only kind of valuable experience, resulting in her many achievements. These achievements are all the more remarkable given that as a Jewish person living in Berlin during the early 1930s, and for a time in a Jewish Ghetto in Poland, her education was almost certainly patchy and disrupted. Miller’s fortitude is evidenced by her willingness to challenge Freud’s Oedipal triangle and psychosexual theory. Frustrated by the ‘old tradition of blaming the child and protecting parents,’ Miller ultimately resigned from the International Psychoanalytic Association. Miller stands out because she demonstrated critical thought and was prepared to openly change her stance in the light of her research findings.

So, an Enlightened Witness could be defined as someone who has been on their own journey of transformation who has the capacity to hold space for an individual (listen with laser-like focus in total presence) without judgement, offering unconditional compassion and understanding. You will most likely never have experienced this before in any situation or relationship. I will see and listen to the highest version of you, until you see it for your Self, allowing you to step into BEing, limitless possibility, with full Self-compassion. I have walked your path. I know it well. My gift is to be your guide. I will be there to hold space for your uncried tears.

Ernest Hemingway wrote "When people talk, listen completely,. Most people never listen."

On her website, Alice Miller asks: “Since adolescence I have always wondered why people take pleasure in humiliating others. Clearly the fact that some people are sensitive to the suffering of others proves that the destructive urge is not a universal aspect of human nature. In fact, those people are in a minority, according to the book 'Human Kind' by the historian and journalist Rutger Bregman. So why do some try to solve their problems by violence and drama while others don’t?” One bitter drop in the ocean makes no difference to the whole.

Miller felt that our experience of the earliest days of our lives, rather than our genes, determine our behaviour. She said that “In the childhood of the murderers who later became dictators, I have always found a nightmarish horror, a record of continual lies and humiliation, which upon the attainment of adulthood, impelled them to acts of merciless revenge on society. These vengeful acts were always garbed in hypocritical ideologies, purporting that the dictator’s exclusive and overriding wish was the happiness of his people.” See my article on Utopia for more on this.

Miller continued “In this way, he unconsciously emulated his own parents who, in earlier days, had also insisted that their blows were inflicted on the child for his own good. This belief was extremely widespread a century ago, particularly in Germany. I found it logical that a child beaten often would quickly pick up the language of violence. For him, this language became the only effective means of communication available. Yet what I found to be logical was apparently not so to most people.”

She continued “When I began to illustrate my thesis by drawing on the examples of Hitler and Stalin, when I tried to expose the social consequences of child abuse, I encountered fierce resistance. Repeatedly I was told, “I, too, was a battered child, but that didn’t make me a criminal.” When I asked for details about their childhood, I was always told of a person who loved them, but was unable to protect them. Yet through his or her presence, this person gave them a notion of trust, and of (unconditional) love.I call these persons helping (Enlightened) Witnesses. Dostoyevsky, for instance, had a brutal father, but a loving mother. She wasn’t strong enough to protect him from his father, but she gave him a powerful conception of love, without which his novels would have been unimaginable. Many have also been lucky enough to find later both enlightened and courageous witnesses, people who helped them to recognise the injustices they suffered, to give vent to their feelings of rage, pain and indignation at what happened to them. People who found such witnesses never became criminals.”

She went on “It has frequently been observed that parents who abuse their children tend to mistreat and neglect them in ways resembling their own treatment as children, without any conscious memory of their own experiences. “ My mother subjected my brother (locking him in the cellar under a trap door for hours when he had been ‘naughty’ in his infancy) and I to years of emotional abuse. She did not know what she was doing, as she was so spiritually and psychologically unwell, so I forgive her. Miller continued “It is well known that fathers who bully their children through abuse are usually unaware that they had themselves suffered the same abuse. It is mostly in therapy that they discover, stupefied, their own history, and realise thereby that for years they have attempted to act out their own scenario, just to get rid of it. How can this be explained? After studying the matter for years, it seems clear to me that information about abuse inflicted during childhood is recorded in our body cells (see the 'Bible of trauma' 'The Body Keeps the Score' by Bessel van der Kolk) as a sort of memory, linked to repressed anxiety. If, lacking the aid of an Enlightened Witness, these memories fail to break through to consciousness, they often compel the person to violent acts that reproduce the abuse suffered in childhood, which was repressed in order to survive. The aim is to avoid the fear of powerlessness before a cruel adult. This fear can be eluded momentarily by creating situations in which one plays the active role, the role of the powerful, towards a powerless person.”

Listen

Miller went on “But this is not an easy path to rid oneself of unconscious fears. And this is why the offence is ceaselessly repeated. A steady stream of new victims must be found… To his dying day, Hitler was convinced that only the death of every single Jew could shield him from the fearful and daily memory of his brutal father. Since his father was half Jewish, the whole Jewish people had to be exterminated. I know how easy it is to dismiss this interpretation of the Holocaust, but I honestly haven’t yet found a better one. Besides, the case of Hitler shows that hatred and fear cannot be resolved through power, even absolute power, as long as the hatred is transferred to scapegoats. On the contrary, if the true cause of the hatred is identified, is experienced with the feelings that accompany this recognition, blind hatred of innocent victims can be dispelled. Sex criminals stop their depredations if they manage to overcome their amnesia and mourn their tragic fate, thanks to the empathy of an Enlightened Witness. Old wounds can be healed if exposed to the light of day. But they cannot be repudiated by revenge. A Japanese crew shot a film of therapeutic work in a prison in Arizona, where the method was based, inter alia, on my books. I was sent the video cassette and found the results very revealing. The inmates worked in groups, talked a lot about their childhood, and some of them said, “I’ve been all over the place, and killed innocent people to avoid the feelings I have today. But I know that I can bear these feelings in the group, where I feel safe. I no longer need to run around and kill, I’m at home here, and I recognise what happened. The past recedes, and my anger along with it. For this process to succeed, the adult who has grown up without helping witnesses in his childhood needs the support of Enlightened Witnesses, people who have understood and recognised the consequences of child abuse. In an informed society, adolescents can learn to verbalise their truth and to discover themselves in their own story. They will not need to avenge themselves violently for their wounds, or to poison their systems with drugs, if they have the luck to talk to others about their early experiences, and succeed in grasping the naked truth of their own tragedy. To do this, they need assistance from persons aware of the dynamics of child abuse, who can help them address their feelings seriously, understand them and integrate them, as part of their own story, instead of avenging themselves on the innocent. I have wrongly been attributed the thesis according to which every victim inevitably becomes a persecutor, a thesis that I find totally false, indeed absurd. It has been proved that many adults have had the good fortune to break the cycle of abuse through knowledge of their past. Yet I can certainly aver that I have never come across persecutors who weren’t victims in their childhood, though most of them don’t know it because their feelings are repressed. The less these criminals know about themselves, the more dangerous they are to society. So I think it is crucial for the therapist to grasp the difference between the statement, “every victim ultimately becomes a persecutor,” which is false, and “every persecutor was a victim in his childhood,” which I consider true. The problem is that, feeling nothing, he remembers nothing, realises nothing, and this is why surveys don’t always reveal the truth. Yet the presence of a warm, Enlightened Witness – therapist, social aid worker, lawyer, judge – can help the criminal unlock his repressed feelings and restore the unrestricted flow of consciousness. This can initiate the process of escape from the vicious circle of amnesia and violence.” The United Nations Declaration states that "Humankind owes to the child the best it has to give."But we are very, very far from this compassionate society, with those institutions that should know better being the biggest perpetrators of violence.

Who needs an Enlightened Witness the most?

As very few people truly listen, and even fewer people don’t judge, most people would benefit from having an Enlightened Witness in their lives. However, those who have experienced childhood trauma, whether they are aware of it or not, may well benefit the most. Without intervention, childhood trauma may lead to a poor parenting attachment style, dysfunctional relationships, addiction, and self-sabotage. Although this may present challenges, it does not dictate an individual’s entire life course. Indeed far from it: If compassion intervenes in the form of an Enlightened Witness. To love is to listen. People feel truly valued when listened to. This is why I love coaching so much.

What are the benefits of having an Enlightened Witness in your life?

The presence of an Enlightened Witness can facilitate profound and deep emotional healing, and personal transformation through creating a safe and nurturing environment for individuals to explore their innermost thoughts, feelings, and experiences without fear of rejection or criticism. This can be undertaken at any stage of the life path.

Who can be an ‘Enlightened Witness’?

A therapist who understands the above, not one who has learned their craft only from books, may be very helpful. The most important element is for someone to fully understand, without judgement, and to listen. None of these come naturally. This is why Enlightened Witnesses are so rare. Most people that I have spoken to in my recovery are incapable of listening and are all too quick to judge. This is why the ‘Wounded Healer’ is the best person to be an ‘Enlightened Witness.’ Carl Gustav Jung, the most famous psychiatrist of all time, who was also a spiritual Master, said that "Only the wounded healer can truly heal."

Anyone who listens without judgement may be an Enlightened Witness: A therapist; a Transformative Life Coach (TLC); a totally impartial friend. The first two are trained in listening. Learning to truly listen can take many years. The advantage of the Transformative Life Coach (TLC) over the therapist is that the coach provides an accelerated pathway by asking incisive clarifying questions to direct the speaking and listening. In both my group sessions and my 1:1 coaching, people often say that they reached a point in one or two sessions with me that they had not reached in over a decade of therapy. The other risk with therapy is that a therapist who has learned their career from books is very limited: One has to be a wounded healer to truly help others. As Wiliiam Saroyan said “Good people are good because they’ve come to wisdom through failure.” People feel valued when truly listened to. Normally we are trying to fix people, which doesn't work, or we are preoccupied with our own 'stuff' so we don’t actually listen. Interjecting is your own pride. Very few don’t interject. If you listen it says that you are loving.

Compassion

Fyodor Dostoyevsky, of the greatest novelists in all of world literature with many of his works considered to be highly influential masterpieces, wrote “Compassion is the chief law of human existence.” The Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh consistently mentioned the importance of compassion over everything else. He said "I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion... Look at flowers, butterflies, trees, and children with the eyes of compassion. Compassion will change your life and make it wonderful.” He reminded us that action is required “Compassion is a verb.” John Holmes agrees “There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.” Jenni Schaefer reminds us that compassion begins with the Self and involves action. “Real hope combined with real action has always pulled me through difficult times. Real hope combined with doing nothing has never pulled me through.” We use pride to keep shame pushed down, but what we need to use is compassion.

The word compassion originates from the Latin compati (com means with and pati/passio means suffer) meaning to 'suffer with.' Passion means suffering and relates to the suffering of Christ on the cross. Our society is one in which we are all traumatised, even if we don't know it, and can be best described as a world where traumatised people go round deliberately traumatising other traumatised people. We are all drowning. But we are all the same. Why do people try to drown others? They do it because they are asleep and they are having nightmares that others are trying to drown them. The transformational journey is one of waking up: Compassion is an essential element of this.

Dr Gabor Maté describes the highest level of compassion: The compassion of possibility. When you look at even the most rejected person you see them without judgement as the full human being that they are and that can be manifested. You are aware of that possibility. This is the level of compassion that we aim for in Transformative Life Coaching (TLC). I see and speak to the highest version of a person and it brings it to life for them, free of ego. Compassion is the only thing we can actually give anyone. To see another without judgement is the first step to them having Self-compassion and Self-worth. Compassion is the antidote to shame.

Listening and witnessing

To listen is to be silent – in fact listen and silent are anagrams. To listen is the same as to love.

Osho said “The essential core, the spirit of meditation is to learn how to witness.”

Miss Riley said in the film "October Sky' "Sometimes you really can't listen to what anybody else says. You just gotta listen inside." Such wise words.

The ‘wounded healer’

The wounded healer also heals their own wounds. In a 2024 lecture on a trauma somatics conference Peter Levine said that “Healing your Self allows you to be present with your Self and allows others to be present with themselves as well.”

Dr Gabor Maté added “We are always whole “Infants are born whole and totally connected to their bodies and their gut feelings. The fragmentation of the psyche results from developmental adversity. Healing means to remember your Self: Wholeness is there. Recovery means you find your Self. The fundamental wholeness is never actually destroyed.”

In reply to the question “What inhibits healing?”, Nkem Ndefo replied “A lack of a compassionate witness - a lack of someone who is ‘with us. I work with people who are in the thick of things.”

Dr Gabor Maté said “People who are traumatised feel shame." That shame is piled upon with more shame by medical institutions that should know better. There is so much more to say about this.

Gabor Maté reminds us that in ‘Good Will Hunting’ Sean says: “It's not your fault.” Will replies: “Yeah, I know that.” Sean says again: “Look at me son. Sean : It's not your fault...”

Maté says “There is a tremendous fear that we will re-experience the pain of childhood. People are not afraid of their future. They are afraid of the past that they couldn’t handle as they were children. With the proper support they will never be as isolated as they were before they had empathetic support.”

Levine’s classic response is that “Trauma isn’t what happened to us. It’s what we hold inside in the absence of the empathetic other.” How many people can truly meet another with the ultimate compassion? It’s so very rare.

Nkem added “We heal and we get free together.” Hallelujah!

Rilke said that "Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other."

The Bible states in Ephesians 1:6 “Wherein He hath made us accepted in the Beloved.”

You will only hear the answers to your life difficulties when you verbalise them out loud to an Enlightened Witness. You need to hear your own voice.

An Enlightened Witness reminds you of who you truly are. It is likely that you won't remember who you truly are immediately, especially if your ego is strong, so you don't believe the Enlightened Witness initially. There are two ways of reminding you who you are:

By seeing you and hearing/listening to you and asking incisive questions through TLC
By the Enlightened Witness remembering and showing you who they are BEing. This is the place to start as the Enlightened Witness does not need your belief and Faith yet, only their own: The Enlightened witness will allow you in this way to see their Higher Selves in you

This is how you will lift your life from egocentric fear to your highest potential and possibility: Your Higher Self. You ultimately commune with the power of the Universe/love/God through the union of your two souls. There will be challenges and difficult times. Don't try to avoid them: Welcome them gratefully. See them as grand gifts from the Universe; Glorious opportunities to do what you came into the relationship, and life, to do. As it says in the book The Complete Conversations With God, A Uncommon Dialogue Books I, II and III by Neale Donald Walsch "Cultivate the practice of seeing all problems as opportunities. They are opportunities to BE and decide who you really are... Extend the depth of your vision... You will never disserve anyone by seeing more than they are showing you. There is more there: Much more. It's only their fear that stops them from showing you. If others notice that you see them as more, they will feel safe to show you what you obviously already see... People tend to see in themselves what we see in them. The grander our vision, the greater their willingness to access and play the part of them we have shown them... We give people permission to let go of every negative thought about themselves... That is the work of God. The work of the soul is to wake your Self up. The work of God is to wake everybody else up.." And we have just described how to do it. These are timeless Truths.

Alice Miller concludes by saying that “The possibility of change depends on whether there is a sufficient number of Enlightened Witnesses to create a safety net for the growing consciousness of those who have been mistreated as children, so that they do not fall into the darkness of forgetfulness, from which they will later emerge as criminals or the mentally ill... We are called to be Enlightened Witnesses: People who through their kindness, tenderness and attentive love, return people to themselves.” Amen.

Let me know if you would like to continue this conversation...

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