In this article we will dive into forgiveness and self-forgiveness. Paulo Coelho wrote “If it costs you your peace, it is too expensive.”
Once you have let go of your ego, forgiveness and Self-forgiveness are the next phase of your healing journey: They set you free. We are all only guilty of one thing: Being human beings. The only real 'sin' is not becoming who you were meant to be.
Alexander Pope, the poet of the Enlightenment era, wrote “To err is human, to forgive, divine.” There is such beauty in forgiveness. Mark Twain, the writer and entrepreneur, wrote “Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Sydney Banks wrote "To hold a grudge against anyone is like carrying the devil on your shoulders.” He added “It is forgiveness that allows you to see today as a new experience.” Live for the present moment, starting today.
Forgiveness
Emmet Fox, the spiritual leader who authored the book 'The Sermon on the Mount' wrote that “Indignation, resentment, the desire to punish other people or to see them punished, the desire to "get even," the feeling "it serves him right" - all these things form a quite impenetrable barrier to spiritual power or progress.”
Dr Davenport and Antwone said in 'Antwone Fisher':
"'Regard without ill-will despite an offence.' That's Webster's definition of forgiveness."
"Why do I have to forgive?"
"So you can get on with your life."
Self-forgiveness of your ‘inner child’
Forgive your Self. As Dr Chris Nielsen said in the film 'What Dreams May Come,' "Good people end up in Hell because they can't forgive themselves." We are so hard on ourselves. We really are. That lack of Self-compassion also prevents us from forgiving others. Forgive you Self. You were unconscious until now: Your ego ran your life. Your ego is your petrified 7-year-old self. Can a 7-year-old sin? I think not. Can you not forgive your 7-year-old self? Find a photo of your self at that age and look into your ego. Can you say to them?: ”I love you. I forgive you. I am sorry that I have only now appeared in your life. I will not leave you again. What do you need?”
This is ‘inner child’ work. It’s the creative ball of energy that resides within you. It has a nuclear reactor of energy and playfulness that can be used constructively to bring joy and energy to everything that you do. Let your 7-year-old play and always watch them. Like a parent in a playground. Self-forgiveness is how we begin to love ourselves. Once you love your Self you are free from judgement from others. Every time you judge someone you are revealing an unhealed part of your Self. As Osho said “If you love yourself, you love others. If you hate yourself, you hate others. In relationships with others, it is only you, mirrored.”
Childhood trauma is when you have to choose survival over your dreams. Our parents and society, who became the voice of our inner critic, tell us that we have to be different to who we truly are in order to survive. It’s not their fault. It’s just the cycle of generational trauma. It’s up to you to break it or fake it (perpetuate it) and pass it on to your children. Forgive your past self and give your self time to heal. Trust the process. The Universe knows what it is doing.
Theory and intellectualising is the first part of the journey of healing. It prepares you for the emotional work, but it is not a substitute. You are going to have to let your emotions come up, feel them, learn the lessons that they have to offer you in terms of wisdom, then let them go. This involves getting still, going within and starting to listen: This starts to build those inner relationships and reveals a whole world of healing possibilities. Your conscious mind can’t know or analyse in advance what will spontaneously arise when you just start making time and space to listen to the parts within. The diversity of the inner world can be astounding when you get to know it. There will also be parts that masquerade as ‘parent-like’, like the inner critic, which you can either throw into a bush symbolically, or turn them into your inner coach. There’s only one true parent inside you though, and that’s the voice of your ‘higher power’ or ‘highest Self’ as it manifests within you. In parts work it is called the Self, in recovery programmes it is called your higher power: It’s the same thing.
You can tell when it’s your true Self because it comes with a sense of presence, patience, expansiveness, calm, courage, connection, clarity, love, peace, and compassion. If something seems like it’s a parent but has any other agenda whatsoever, it’s a part, not your Self. Parts take on extreme beliefs and behaviours (what recovery programmes call ‘character defects’) when they get traumatised, and they can’t put them down until we trace the thread back to the original wounding using trauma healing techniques such as Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR), with your specially trained psychotherapist, hold it in loving presence and release it from the body and mind. Then the parts are freed up to reveal their natural assets and we can find serenity within. Self-forgiveness is essential to inner peace, growth and transformation. Forgiveness literally releases your Self and sets you free. Self-compassion leads to Self-forgiveness. For this I have found it essential to feel compassion from another. This permits one to give one’s Self compassion and forgiveness.
Forgiveness transmutes fear to love. Forgiveness is the only path that leads us out of our pain. We heal when we decide to forgive. We are not bad, we are wounded, yet we are whole and unbroken. This is the human condition. Euripides, the Athenian tragedian, wrote “Forgive, son; men are men; they needs must err.” No-one else can fix you. No-one else can validate you. Our wounds are simply opportunities to heal and find peace and joy. We can only heal ourselves. But we need a guide. I have realised that compassion, understanding, not judging, and love are all the same thing. Compassion for another gives them the opportunity to unlock Self-compassion.
Gather all your pieces and bring them together. The mosaic will be beautiful. Hold hands with your younger self. Welcome you home. May Angelou wrote “You can't forgive without loving. And I don't mean sentimentality. I don't mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, 'I forgive. I'm finished with it.’”
Release all thoughts that are not of love. Transcend and transmute all thoughts with grace to miracles. Turn your pain into power by opening your heart and surrendering the thoughts that create suffering and are not from love. Surrender your pain. Healing will occur when we release our feelings. And then the miracles begin: That which is placed on the altar of love is altered and our prayers are answered. Situations are transformed with grace. Our obstacles become doors to infinite possibility.
Your reality is not what it appears to be. You are not who you think you are. Your divine Self, which is the same as your soul, is untouched by your human suffering. You will transcend it. Bring clarity and wisdom without fear. Situations are miraculously transformed. We are shown forgiveness. Conspire with love to outwit your self-hatred. Your consciousness is illuminated. Miracles become routine: You have the power to invoke miracles. Go on co-creating with love.
Love and compassion are the greatest powers in the Universe: Unleash them. We need not suffer as we are not of this world. We are not drowning. We are on the boat. We just need to stay in the boat. Fear is trying to drown us. But we are on the boat. Stay at the seat of ease in the boat
The pain is sent by love to create miracles. Surrender it back to love. This process is the great journey of your life. This is not an obstacle. It’s a miracle. Suffering will heal our heart through divine intervention. The Universe is wired for love and it will lead us to light. You can’t resurrect without being crucified. When you reconnect with your soul, and merge it with your inner child, you become whole and integrated and authentic again. When you align your personality with your purpose, no one can touch you. If you pay attention to what you love, you will not just succeed, you will soar. CS Lewis wrote “I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise, it is almost like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him.” There is none.
Forgiving others
Life is not for-getting: Life is for-giving.
Roberto Assagliogli said “Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.” Oprah said that “True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience.”" Drop all your resentments. Nelson Mandela wrote “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” Compassion for another gives them the opportunity to unlock Self-compassion. That is how we may give love. We are in effect giving someone the opportunity to love themselves. That is also the only way that we may seek love that brings joy. To forgive others you must drop all your resentments against them and realise that all your resentments have an element that is driven by your deepest fears: Of being unloved, unlovable, unworthy, of being abandoned and of not surviving. Maya Angelou wrote “It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.” Father Richard Rohr wrote “God created us for love, for union, for forgiveness and compassion and, yet, that has not been our storyline. That has not been our history.” It's time to write a new history for the world, starting with you. TD Jakes wrote “I think the first step is to understand that forgiveness does not exonerate the perpetrator. Forgiveness liberates the victim. It's a gift you give yourself.”
Mahatma Gandhi said “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Just because you have dropped your resentments against someone and forgiven them, you don’t need to welcome them back into your life: They may be very triggering, toxic people. Let them go with loving detachment. Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace. As Anais Nin wrote “What I cannot love, I overlook.”
For our own sake we have to give those we thought we hated the compassionate understanding we needed in order to experience forgiveness ourselves. We could not make our forgiveness of others conditional on their having redeemed themselves or righted their wrongs. We must forgive them, because, like us, even though they don’t know it, they are spiritually sick and afflicted. Abraham Lincoln wrote “I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice.”
Marcus Tullius Cicero wrote “Let us not listen to those who think we ought to be angry with our enemies, and who believe this to be great and manly. Nothing is so praiseworthy, nothing so clearly shows a great and noble soul, as clemency and readiness to forgive.” Forgiveness changes the curse that that person has tried to cast on you and transmutes it into a blessing. It means realising that the past could not have been any different. To constantly choose love and forgiveness in a world which continually tries to make you close and harden up, to remain the solution and not feed into the problem, is a massive step in your journey of transformation. It is in forgiveness that you get peace. Kahlil Gibran wrote “An eye for an eye, and the whole world would be blind.” Can you not see this?
Be pure compassion and forgiveness. To condemn another is to condemn ourselves. We escape judgement by not judging. If you don’t hold the sword, you won’t get hurt.
Forgiveness is an act of Self-love. You may still be angry with people even though you have dropped your resentments against them, and that’s ok. Forgive them anyway. Remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean that you will tolerate, accept, or engage with dysfunctional behaviour or people or misaligned energy from another’s ego. You are free to choose what serves you, guided by your intuition (where you feel love, joy and peace). Martin Luther King Jr. wrote “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”
Gary Zukav wrote about the spiritual journey that “The characteristics of an authentically empowered personality are humbleness, clarity, forgiveness and love.” When you look back at a painful experience with someone and say “Thank you”, you’ll know forgiveness. And just because we can see and appreciate how that experience supported our growth and evolution, and we can understand why they acted in a certain way with harmful behaviour, it doesn’t mean that we have to include them in our lives or hearts or subject ourselves to repeated hurtful behaviour from them again. Oprah Winfrey said “True forgiveness is when you can say ‘Thank you for that experience.’" Compassion and forgiveness heal and lead to a peaceful heart, which is the ultimate key to success.
Oscar Wilde said “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” He was pretty cheeky but he has a point! William Shakespeare wrote “Sweet mercy is nobility's true badge.” Louise Hay, the famous spiritual guide, wrote “Forgiveness is for yourself because it frees you. It lets you out of that prison you put yourself in.”
Forgiveness is a way of BEing. Martin Luther King Jr. wrote “Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude… We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.”
Beyond forgiving others, as Marianne Williamson wrote. “The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world… Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” The Buddha wrote “Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule.” It's time to give love a chance. François de la Rochefoucauld wrote “One forgives to the degree that one loves.” Hillary Clinton wrote “Forgiveness is a way of opening up the doors again and moving forward, whether it's a personal life or a national life.”
The Dalai Lama wrote “All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important thing is they should be part of our daily lives.” It's a choice in every moment to choose love over fear, always. Frederick William Robertson wrote “We win by tenderness. We conquer by forgiveness.”
Nelson Mandela wrote “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison.” Amen. So, to anyone who has ever done their best to try to hurt me. I forgive you.
Sending you love, light, and blessings.
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Olly Alexander Branford MD, MBBS, MA(Cantab), PhD
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I am very pleased to meet you. Thank you for reading this far. I very much look forward to connecting with the highest version of you, to seeing your highest possibility, and to our conversations. Please do contact me via my website for a free connection call and a free experience of coaching. I am here to serve you.
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I have a Bachelor's degree in Natural Sciences from Trinity College, Cambridge; a Master's Degree in Philosophy from Trinity College, Cambridge; a PhD Doctorate in Scientific Research from University College London (UCL); a Medical Degree (MD/MBBS) from The Royal Free Hospital School of Medicine, London and have been a doctor and reconstructive trauma and cancer surgeon in London for 20 years. I have published over 50 peer reviewed scientific journal articles, have been an associate editor and frequent scientific faculty member, and am the author of several scientific books. I have been awarded my Diploma in Transformative Life Coaching in London, which has International Coaching Federation (ICF) Accreditation, as well as the UK Association for Coaching (AC), and the European Mentoring and Coaching Council (EMCC). I have been on my own transformative journey full time for four years and I am ready to be your guide to you finding out who you really are and how the world works.