Psychospirituality: A Fool’s Guide For Toxic and Narcissistic People On How To Get Well: And How To Deal With Them If They Don’t
- olivierbranford
- May 26
- 81 min read
Updated: Jun 6
Steve Maraboli, author on the subject of human experience, wrote that “Toxic people love sending you emotional bills for debts you don’t owe. I call them ‘Plungers’… because they love to bring up old shit.”
Jesus said in the Gospel of Matthew 5:38-39 "But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also." Jesus meant for us to refrain from retaliation and instead to respond with love and compassion, even when insulted. Love may simply, and solely, mean to provide clarity to the toxic person by showing them that the only route to fully healing their mind, their heart, their body, and their soul (if they have one) is 'psychospirituality'. My love for toxic people, in this article, comes in the form of a guide about their foolishness and ignorance of their condition, how to recover from being toxic, and how to become whole.
Ram Dass, the famous Harvard psychologist and Professor turned spiritual Master and guru, who authored several seminal books on spirituality wrote “Love them to death”. This, is the death of the ego mind, that only seeks to consume and destroy.
Carl Jung, born in 1875 and who died in 1961, was one of the greatest psychiatrists who ever lived. He was also the godfather of analytical psychology, a psychotherapist, and also a spiritual Master, and he wrote about his role as a psychiatrist that “Thinking within the framework of the special task that is laid upon me: To be a proper psychiatrist is to be a healer of the Soul.” On psychotherapy, Jung commented that “Therefore our Lord himself is a healer; he is a doctor; he heals the sick and he deals with the troubles of the Soul; and that is exactly what we call psychotherapy.” Jung was describing psychospirituality. He knew the importance of spirituality in healing a century ago: And yet, somehow, some psychiatrists and psychotherapists still haven't caught on to the importance of spirituality to positive psychology with regards to healing fully.
Lao Tzu wrote about toxic people that if you “Care about what other people think, you will always be their prisoner.” Toxic people want to be your judge, jury, jailor, and executioner. Yet I agree fully with Freddie Mercury from Queen when he sang “Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me.”
The only people who follow trolls are other trolls. This is why trolls who 'lead the pack of trolls', who are the basest of all human beings, find it so easy to recruit unsuspecting people into their misguided gang in order to try to exert their toxic influence. They are all on a downwards spiral of negativity and hate, which inevitably blows up in their own face eventually.
I will tell you my story, my Truth, and how toxic people, who have tried to destroy me, giving you a specific case history, have actually propelled me to a life of unconditional love, peace, joy, meaning, and purpose (as a psychospiritual coach, which incorporates positive psychology, timeless philosophical truths, and spirituality; I am also an author). This has led directly to my own evolution, growth, transformation, recovery, and becoming whole. I am here to serve others. So, I say to you toxic people, thank you, I do not resent you, I forgive you. You can’t hurt me, as my Soul is at peace.
Robert Tew wrote "Don't let negative people rent space in your mind. Raise the rent and kick them out." It is not for anyone else to carry the burdensome emotional baggage of toxic people. No-one can ‘fix’ anyone else. A psychospiritual guide can show those who are toxic the way to joy, peace, light, sanity, wholeness, and healing. This article is that guide: ‘A fool’s guide for toxic and narcissistic people on how to get well', if they want to. You are welcome. As Tamerlan Kuzgov wrote “In a world full of poison, get the antidote.” This guide is the antidote. Good bye, good luck, and good riddance: Not my circus, not my malevolent, mischievous, manipulative monkeys.
In this article, we will do a deep dive into the psychological, philosphical, and spiritual background of toxic people as well as exposing many Truths. Get ready for the ride.
In dealing with other people, remember the three C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.
I also provide a guide on how to deal with toxic people if they don’t want to change, recover, heal, and transform. Dealing with toxic people may be like trying to teach a fish to ride a bicycle – frustrating and ultimately completely pointless.
Toxic people are like clouds: When they disappear, it’s a brighter day, and the sun shines on you. Mandy Hale wrote that if toxic people do not choose to change and heal as outlined in this article, that “Toxic people will pollute everything around them. Don’t hesitate: Fumigate.”
Introduction
At the height of His agony, at the very moment when most victims of crucifixion would scream out in fury and pain, Christ prayed for forgiveness for His tormentors, saying, in Luke 23:34, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.” In Macbeth Act 5, where an army is marching towards Macbeth, Shakespeare wrote “Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”
You are not responsible for saving anyone else. I have tried to see the good in toxic people, but then I ran out of magnifying glasses. They have to realise that they are the problem and that is only them that can heal themselves: This is the spiritual path of looking within.
We do not have to be mental health professionals to identify the traits of the toxic sociopaths among us.
Unfortunately, we are surrounded by toxic people who, on a daily basis, have the potential to move us away from peace. There's a great quote from author Michael Singer, the spiritual teacher who wrote the book 'Living Untethered', which is in my ’Suggested Reading” list, which is that “The moment in front of you is not bothering you - you are bothering yourself about the moment in front of you.” No-one is responsible for taking away our happiness but ourselves, and that is particularly the case for toxic people. What toxic people fail to realise is that it is themselves who are making themselves ill.
Toxic people are driven by an overwhelming yet subconscious sense of lack, and an overriding sense of fear of being unloved, of being abandoned, and of not being worthy. This state manifests further lack and fear in their lives. This makes them believe that they can’t handle anything, ruining their ability to cope with life or to accept reality as it is, resulting in an obsessive need to try to control others and circumstances in order to try to feel safe: They have ‘emotional insobriety’ in that they try obsessively to control people, places, and circumstances; which they can't. No-one can control the Universe. This is perpetuated by a 'blame culture' by some of the psychiatrists and psychotherapists who treat them, who do not have a psychospiritual approach or understanding, not realising that it is the patient themselves, and not others, who are the problem. The main reason for this is that these so-called experts have not been taught about trauma and how spirituality can have a transformative effect when combined with positive psychology as described by the renowned expert, Dr Gabor Maté. Blaming others does not heal you.
Lori Deschene wrote that "We are all wounded people dealing with messy emotions in a confusing, uncertain, and sometimes scary world. That doesn't give anyone the right to be mean, thoughtless, or disrespectful. But remembering this makes it a little easier to think, 'I hope you heal from your pain' instead of 'I hope you hurt like you hurt me.'" Hurt people hurt people. Transformed people transform people.
Lao Tzu, who wrote the 'Tao Te Ching', which is in my 'Suggested Reading' list, reminds us to “Respond intelligently even to unintelligent treatment.” I don’t want anything to do with toxic people, but as I have compassion as one of my core values, I have written this guide as to how toxic people can heal themselves, through a psychospiritual approach. Toxic people are spiritually dis-eased and spiritually immature. You know who you are. This article is my parting gift to you.
What are toxic people?
Toxic people are undercover or overt sociopathic, self-centred, negative, cruel, abusive, disingenuous, controlling, manipulative, and narcissistic persecutors, masquerading as victims, who create all the conflict and drama in this world, as explained in my article on the ‘Drama Triangle.’ With toxic people there's always drama. Do you ever notice how drama seems to follow them? It’s not a coincidence. Toxic people thrive in dramatic situations. They inflame emotions. They love stirring the pot to see what happens. It's the opposite of the kind of behavior that builds stable, healthy relationships.
P.A. Speers wrote a succinct but insightful poem about how to deal with toxic people, entitled ‘Miserable’:
“Release the toxic and infectious-
Spreaders of misery,
Soul-destroying Souls-
And poisonous liars.
Awaken from the hallucinations-
And take back your heart.
Reclaim your self-esteem-
And leave the toxic be.”
Toxic people are individuals whose intentional behaviours frequently harm or undermine others, draining their energy by constantly demanding attention, sympathy, or external validation, creating a negative and often emotionally exhausting environment for all. Toxic people have harmful behaviours that can have a lasting impact on those around them. A toxic person's behaviour is always erratic: You never know what they’re going to do next.
Toxic people can't be happy for you. Jealousy flows like a river of poison from their absolute self-centredness and low self-esteem.
Toxic people are totally lacking in empathy and compassion, and have difficulty taking responsibility for their own actions. Toxic people disrespect emotional and physical boundaries: They have no boundaries whatsoever.
What is the link between narcissism and toxic people?
Toxic people are expert gaslighters, which is a form of psychological attack, where someone makes another person doubt their own sanity, memory, or perception of reality. Gaslighting is a major feature of both toxic people and narcissism.
M. Wakefield, wrote about narcissists that “Narcissistic abuse is a form of psycho-emotional abuse that takes place when a pathological narcissist targets another individual and exposes them to trauma. It can also manifest as physical, psychological, financial, and spiritual abuse.”
Toxic people always need attention. Have you noticed that the toxic person always needs something from you, usually to remain their victim, while they claim victimhood? But they will not support you in return. They take all that you have without giving anything back. This can be associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). All people with NPD are toxic. NPD is listed in the Diagnostic Statistics Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), while toxic behaviour in itself is not a mental disorder. NPD is a mental health disorder which includes an inflated sense of importance, a deep need for excessive admiration, a fragile self-esteem, and troubled relationships.
Some behaviours, in both toxic people and narcissists, include passive-aggressiveness, silent treatment, intimidation, being self-centred, argumentative, and dishonest. They don't know the meaning of honesty.
Narcissists overwhelmingly and consistently have specific toxic behaviours, across all areas of their lives, with all people, over the duration of their lifetime. The extent to which toxic behaviors affect the individual's life and their relationships is the degree to how dysfunctional their personality is. In both toxic people and narcissists, you will rarely see change or personal growth. They are usually too busy manipulating people and situations around them to their suiting, instead of working on their personal issues, which are the real problem.
Some traits of toxic people mirror those with NPD, such as lack of empathy. Toxic behaviours are markedly more consistent in someone with NPD.
Encounters and relationships with toxic people and narcissists are frustrating, because not only do they have hurtful behaviour, but they don't seem to understand when or how they've hurt you, adding insult to injury. That's because their emotional intelligence is very low.
My experience of toxic people: My Truth
Like you, I have met many toxic people. There has been one toxic person in particular, as outlined in the case example below, who has hounded, stalked, hated, and manipulated me, and has tried their hardest to destroy my family, my life, my career, my profession, my reputation, my mental health, and they have tried to ruin me, despite my best intentions of trying to help them and 'fix' them: But I have learned that you cannot 'fix' anyone else and that you are not responsible for 'saving' anyone else.
Toxic people are persistent and unrelenting. They are obsessive. They wear a mask, hiding their true identity, as they are deeply ashamed of what they do and of who they truly are. They have not succeeded in destroying anything. They have jet-propelled me into evolution, growth, and transformation, as described below. They require a psychospiritual approach to healing, should they choose it, which is extremely rare, as do their intended victims. Nothing else will be sufficient, including psychiatry and psychotherapy, without incorporating spirituality, as psychospirituality, as described by Jung above,.
Toxic people are poisonous liars and disingenuous spreaders of misery. They want to propagate their own personal 'Hell'. Angel Moreira wrote that “We must be cautious of those who perceive their lies as the Truth.” Nitya Prakash wrote that “Toxic people don't like it when others see through them, so they'll do all they can to make everyone else look like a monster.” I see through you, as do many others, however hard you try.
Case example
This middle-aged person is someone who works in an industry that they are deeply ashamed of, to the extent that they persecute under a false identity in order to cover up who they are and what their industry is. They use gaslighting, projection, lying, and all the others methods described below, and spend their entire lives trying to recruit others to join in their 'blame game'. Blame is far from a game, and they not only hurt their intended 'victims', but also themselves, and everyone that they are close to. They dedicate their entire lives to doing this, achieving little else: It defines them. Without it, they have no identity.
They use social media, and any other medium possible, even writing books about their intended victims. My case example wrote a rather sad and vitriolic book in which they have misrepresented themselves, being inauthentic, disingenuous liars, and projecting what they hate and are ashamed of about themselves onto me, including publishing a photograph of me without my consent (thank God I am photogenic!), for financial gain, as they desparately try to get external validation, which is the addiction and conditioned disease of our time.
They have a documented, recurrent pattern of doing the same to others, where they bamboozle, euchre, and beguile, working in an industry, which I absolutely do not judge, even though they judge themselves for being part of it; an industry which they have tarnished, and yet go under an alias, foxing others in order to hide their 'juicy' and deceptive past. As Amy Winehouse sang "I hope you’ll find the right man, who’ll fix it for you. Stop making a fool out of me." They use a pseudonym, a 'nom de plume', and preserve their anonymity, whilst not giving this privilege to their intended victims. They are the Olympic champion of lies, projection and deceit, in an attempt to ruin the lives of many. They unscrupulously cozen others to do their ‘dirty work’ in attempting to dehumanise others. Their so-called 'friends' call them a ‘praying mantis’ on social media, which they of course take as a misguided compliment (what friend would do that?) as they, in their words, try to “Fuck the unsuspecting male and then ‘eat them alive’.” They hornswoggle, diddle, and ‘honeytrap’ high profile, successful men, blackmail and defraud them and then sell their misrepresented and misleading lies and ‘stories’ to the highest bidding nefarious tabloid hack, one of whom knocked on my door twice when I was out in order to speak to my young daughter, which deeply traumatised her, as well as my wife, who had no interest in communicating with them. I don’t think that Alan Sugar would hire this toxic person as his business partner as their unsustainable and unethical business model (and I use the word ‘model’ loosely here) is not that of a successful person in her industry. Their colleagues absolutely do not approve of their methods, and many have contacted me, as a result of them tarring and tarnishing their industry. A praying mantis is not a victim. They are the chief gaslighter, and they attempt to recruit others online, in order to satisfy their egocentric, sadistic, and narcissistic goals. They are a true narcissist.
Their 'friends' and colleagues have warned me against them and I have documented evidence of messages and communications where they have tried to recruit others to a gaslighting group where they are the gaslighting leader. It's time to take off your mask. But, if you don't, it will be deadly to you. You are a narcissist, so it won’t be easy for you. It may not even be possible. When you are addicted to toxicity, you might think you are drinking champagne in first class, but you are still on the Titanic, and you haven’t even seen the tip of the iceberg.
They have stalked and contacted my wife telling her that I am the gaslighter, in their desperate attempts at projection and manipulation. Fortunately my wife has 100% trust in me. None of our friends have believed a word of what they say as they have know me for decades and they know that I am lovely with a very pure heart.
I have been told from numerous sources that the chief gaslighter has contacted all of them after copying all my followers on social media, before I deleted all of my social media accounts, as I knew that it was the playground of gaslighters, including my personal and professional contacts, and my place of work - even the institutions that I am affiliated to. I have since been advised to stay as far from them as I can by their 'friends', who have told me that they are a complete and dangerous narcissist whose modus operandum is to make money by selling their 'story' to tabloid rags. I would go a far as saying that this defines who they are.
Enough is enough. I have not called them out before, as it is simply not in my nature not to have compassion for people, however toxic and evil they are. I always see the highest in people, which is what makes me a great coach, despite how despicable they might be.
Toxic people lie in order to discredit people. They propagate those lies, defaming and committing libel, in their attempts to recruit others to their poisonous ways. John F. Kennedy wrote that "No matter how big the lie; repeat it often enough and the masses will regard it as the 'truth'." Toxic people gaslight others, and will do anything to get others to join in with their gaslighting: They have honed and perfected the technique of gaslighting in groups. This results in people joining together, making an online group, which stalks and harasses an individual in an attempt to 'cancel' that person: No-one can be cancelled without their consent.
You can be gaslighted by a group over a number of years. Toxic people have no life of their own, and they dedicate their entire existence into trying to destroy others. There is always a main gaslighter in such groups, leading the pack. They are in constant communication with others in order to recruit them and imprint their 'version' of the 'truth' upon their cortex. The main gasligher has massive insecurities about their identity. They have no idea who they truly are. They don't know how to be truthful and honest, but you do. Don't let them fool you into thinking otherwise. They want to project their shame about who they truly are and what they do onto you. They are trying to offload their considerable emotional baggage (because they have never felt, processed, and let go of it, which is the entire spiritual journey) onto you - if you allow them to. Gaslighting is pure evil. Collective gaslighting exists. It's a form of psychological abuse known as 'scapegoating', which means the act of blaming a person or group of people in order to punish them.
My own psychiatrist has said that my life has been "ruthlessly tabloidised" in order to sell copy, and that I have "More than paid my 'dues'" in every way possible. It has been horrific for my family. It's time to change the narrative to expose the truth.
Have you ever noticed that those that want a fight with you, because they claim to hate you, are actually pursuing you and are obsessed with you to the point of insanity, either because they love you, or because they hate themselves? Marianne Williamson wrote that “In the absence of love, we began slowly but surely to fall apart.” She continued that “Just like a sunbeam can't separate itself from the sun, and a wave can't separate itself from the ocean, we can't separate ourselves from one another. We are all part of a vast sea of love, one indivisible divine mind.”
When I deleted all my social media accounts because this toxic person was trolling me and lying about me, they created fake accounts across multiple social media channels, using my name, appropriating my deleted social media handles, and also trolled and stalked my family, creating fake accounts in their names, even my young children. How utterly despicable is that? They sold fake stories, obsfuscating tabloid newspapers, which published the same fake story three times for financial rewards. It's a lot!
Despite knowing about my mental health of having ADHD, executive dysfunction, severe depression, generalised anxiety disorder, severe childhood trauma, PTSD, and my two suicide attempts as a result of their activities, all of which I have been very honest about in my writing (which I know they are stalking incessantly), with me taking a lengthy psychospiritual approach to healing, they are still pursuing me after five years of me walking away from them. It has become the whole purpose of their lives for the last five years. It defines them. During this time they have put their own lives on hold. They have not tried to heal. This is the way of truly toxic narcissistic sadists: They are obsessive.
Confucius said wisely “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves”. The Buddha said “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Do not hold on to bitterness and resentment. Do not worry about getting even. Let go of your anger, resentment, and disappointment. When you hold onto anger, you only hurt yourself. Forgiveness does not mean that what they did was right or justified, it means you no longer punish yourself with sadness and frustration for what they did. It means you accept the past for what it is and free yourself to move forward. The past is depression and resentment. The future is anxiety. Live in the present: All is well in the present.
I made one mistake and I have definitely paid my dues. As humans, God forgives us and gives us an infinite number of chances to get things right. Marianne Williamson wrote that “Through the Grace of God, we can always start again.” If I had known better I would have done better. I had no idea that I had all the diagnoses listed in this article, and neither did anyone else, including the businesses and institutions that I was affiliated to, who should have picked up on it. I am an extremely high functioning and intelligent individual despite having these now treated mental illnesses. My accomplishments masked the signs. For example I had the hyperfocus of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), which allowed me to study for many hours non-stop and to become a great success, reaching the top of my profession, but my ADHD, and my other diagnoses, also caused my compulsive and risk-taking nature.
When I got to the top of my tower, at the pinnacle of achievement, I felt empty, dead, depressed, and anxious. When I could not turn to my profession, I turned to people. The deep sense of abandonment that I felt as a very young child by my single mother never left me, with her attemtting to commit violent suicide in front of me twice before the age of seven. The impact of this childhood trauma and my dysfunctional family, was that I would abandon everyone in my life before they could abandon me. I had no idea until I had psychoanalysis that this was the case. Every one of my diagnoses lead to my compulsivity in order to escape my emotional pain. When you can no longer obtain satifaction from accolades, you seek it from people. This is how I approached people: With a longing for love, to be seen and heard, with compulsivity, and yet still feeling a sense of abandonment. This was my mistake. I crossed a boundary. Prior to that I had never even heard of the word 'boundary' and had no idea what it meant, coming from a dysfunctional childhood, where I had never been shown or taught what a boundary was. And again, this persisted into my adult life. I have been punished so severely, without experiencing any compassion from either people or institutions, which should have exhibited compassion, although they didn't know how to do that, other than from the people who love me.
This toxic person traumatised my children and my wife, and they stalked them incessantly. Those who follow me know this.
Since then I have had over 250 hours of psychotherapy, over 200 hours of coaching, 18 months of psychoanalysis, and I have spent 10 weeks in a secure psychiatric unit for suicidalirty. I have been on eight medications for my mental health. My whole family has had therapy. These toxic, narcissistic persecutors are deeply toxic. You have been warned. I am now healed, despite this, by no acidental miracle.
I have read 150 books on spirituality, and have written almost 500 articles on how to drop your ego, find your Self, how to become Self-aware, and awakened, how to find your true calling, and how to create infinite possibility and abundance.
While it is true that I crossed a boundary once with this person, with consent, this was not because of me taking advantage of a power differential, as I was mentally ill at the time and did not know it. In effect this reduced the 'power differential' to a simple cliché. And their profession, which fed my compulsivity, rendered them in an equal position of power due to my mental health at the time.
I am writing this article from a very open, honest, and vulnerable place in order to express my absolute truth in support of the people who have joined their gaslighting group as the chief instigator has conned them, frightened them, and made them believe that they have been taken advantage of and therefore to upset them and cause emotional pain By making them feel that they have been taking advantage of, when all I was trying to do was to help and 'fix' them, even though I was misguided in that: No-one can truly 'fix' anyone else: As a result of my spiritual journey, I have deeply realised that.
I have kept silent for five years but it’s now time to call them out as I know that after persecuting me that they will now move onto their next victim in their series as a serial gaslighter who was not believed on previous occasions, and it states this in the press. Toxic people must be called out to mitigate their malignant attempts at controlling other people and trying to destroy their lives.
They have taken advantage of other vulnerable people in order to recruit them to their evil ways. They have instilled fear in others.
When you meet narcissistic people in person, they may be very self-effacing and fearful, but as soon as they get online, their virtual playground, where they are the bully, they turn into tyrannical monsters. They live in a dream world, based on ego.
Please see the last section of this article for how to deal with them. Their hatred is unfathomable. And yet all they have achieved is to energise and fuel my evolution, growth, and psychospiritual transformation.
Walk out, but don't spare them. Let the world know that they're ugly inside. Wait for the opportune moment and strike back boldly and publicly. This is a must for your recovery from their malignant actions. They will start to plot against you, they will spread rumours, they will manipulate others into thinking that they are the victim. They're very begrudging! But, you're free now!
Jesus said in John 8:32 “And ye shall know the Truth, and the Truth shall make you free.” Nothing but Truth can really free us. Truth is power. Reassuring lies are never as beneficial as loving Truth. The ego is a liar. Toxic people are stuck in ego. They cannot love. They never tell the Truth. The tragic thing is that they start believing those lies. Especially when they try to start acting like a pack of wolves, getting together to tear their prey apart through evil lies. Freedom means to be free from ignorance and error. Even when the Truth is not what toxic people want to hear, as I will set out in this article, they can't be expected to make good or correct choices as they are operating under the control of an evil lie. Their whole life is a lie.
Fyodor Dostoevsky wrote “Above all, do not lie to yourself. A man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point where he does not discern any truth either in himself or anywhere around him, and thus falls into disrespect towards himself and others. Not respecting anyone, he ceases to love, and having no love, he gives himself up to passions and coarse pleasures in order to occupy and amuse himself, and in his vices reaches complete bestiality, and it all comes from lying continually to others and himself. A man who lies to himself is often the first to take offence. it sometimes feels very good to take offence, doesn't it? And surely he knows that no one has offended him, and that he himself has invented the offence and told lies just for the beauty of it, that he has exaggerated for the sake of effect, that he has picked up on a word and made a mountain out of a pea - he knows all of that, and still he is the first to take offence, he likes feeling offended, it gives him great pleasure, and thus he reaches the point of real hostility..”
In Romans 6:19 it states "Ye have yielded your member servants unto iniquity.” Over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and potent, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth. Manipulative people who engage in gaslighting do so to attain power over their victims, either because they simply derive warped enjoyment from the act, or because they wish to emotionally, physically, or financially control their victim. This is the very definition of a toxic person. A gaslighter will initially lie about simple things, but the volume of misinformation soon grows, and the gaslighter may accuse the victim of lying if he or she questions the narrative.
Jesus said in John 14:6 that “I am the way and the Truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”
My family has been to 'Hell' and back. Not one of these toxic people, the tabloids, or the institutions that I was affiliated to think of the consequences of their reactions on your children, partners, and friends. They lack any compassion: Institutions can be toxic too. They kill people. Truly. More on this below.
It’s literally a miracle that I am still alive. I don't present this case example out of judgement of them or hate for them. It's simply to demonstrate the reality of being faced with one of these toxic, narcissistic people.
Mahatma Gandhi said that "I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet." Don't. Ever.
Danny O'Donoghue wrote “Never judge someone. Especially if you don't know them, because you don't know what they're going through. And for all you know, your words could be the last thing they hear before they decide they have had enough” and commit suicide. Do you really want to be responsible for someone else committing suicide? Emile Zola wrote "We are like books. Most people only see our cover, the minority read only the introduction, many people believe the critics. Few will know our content." Do regulatory bodies really want to function like that?
Anne Lamott wrote “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” Tell your Truth, loud and clear. It’s time to have a voice: This is crucial to your full recovery. As a childhood trauma victim I was not seen or heard. Therefore part of the healing from trauma involves being seen and heard as an adult. It's time to call out the toxic people.
Dr Gabor Maté wrote "When I am sharply judgemental of any other person, it’s because I sense or see reflected in them some aspect of myself that I don’t want to acknowledge." Toxic people literally make themselves ill. Dr Gabor Maté explains "What we want and demand from the world needs to conform to our present needs, not to unconscious, unsatisfied needs from childhood. If distinctions between past and present blur, we will perceive loss or the threat of loss where none exists." Resentment is soul suicide. Dr Gabor Maté continues "Strong convictions do not necessarily signal a powerful sense of self: Very often quite the opposite. Intensely held beliefs may be no more than a person’s unconscious effort to build a sense of self to fill what, underneath, is experienced as a vacuum. Shame is the deepest of the 'negative emotions,' a feeling we will do almost anything to avoid. Unfortunately, our abiding fear of shame impairs our ability to see reality."
Negativity breeds contempt. Lewis Carroll wrote “If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a great deal faster than it does. One of the deep secrets of life is that all that is really worth doing is what we do for others. If you drink too much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is certain to disagree with you sooner or later." Negative people represent hatred, originating in their childhood fears, masquerading as Self-love. The self-obsessed 'pity party' that they throw for anyone asleep and foolish enough to take the poisonous bait that is all that they have to offer: Their world represents the basest mechanisms of human dysfunctionality and personality disorders. Like hyenas, buzzards, zombies, leeches, and parasites, they are actually Soul-less repeat offenders and persecutors, not victims, and they scavenge for morsels, hiding behind masks as inauthentic fakes, denying all self-responsibility as adults who are ashamed of their decisions; moving from one 'prey' to another. As they ultimately realise that their methods don't work, that they are incapable of loving thoughts and therefore unable to have relationships, but can't admit it to even themselves. It's tragic really. Some people actually live like that. And some people live for that. That's so very sad, and so very true.
Yvonne Pierre reminds us most importantly “Don’t let toxic people infect you with the fear of giving and receiving one of the most powerful forces in this world… LOVE!”
Carl Jung believed that "The greatest danger to human civilisation lay not in the weapons we have at our disposal, but in the inability to understand our own selves. For it is this ignorance, and the failure to face-up to our own weaknesses and destructiveness, that causes what should be an internal battle to manifest itself in the external world."
And yet I have so much compassion, gratitude, and lack of resentment for these toxic people that I have created this guide, a map, for them on how to heal. As Dr Pete Walker said in his brilliant book, 'Comples PTSD', which I recommend that you read, and which is my 'Suggested Reading' list, “I also hope this map will guide you to heal in a way that helps you become an unflinching source of kindness and Self-compassion for your Self.”
Jesus said in Romans 12:10 "Be devoted to one another in love. Honour one another above yourselves." In Mark 12:30-31, Jesus says “'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your Soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. Love your neighbour as your Self. There is no commandment greater than these.’" In Corinthians 13:4-7, Jesus gave a quote that is often quoted in churches and weddings "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the Truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
Compassion, love, kindness, and humility are key to any success. As it says in Colossians 3:12-13 "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." In Peter 3:8-9 Jesus says "Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing." In John 3:18 Jesus says "Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in Truth." Be a blessing, Anything else is ego and fear.
Marianne Williamson wrote that “Rather than accepting that we are the loving beings that He created, we have arrogantly thought that we could create ourselves, and then create God. Because we are angry and judgmental, we have projected those characteristics onto Him. We have made up a God in our image. But God remains who He is and always has been: The energy, the thought of unconditional love.”
Challenges are the crucible for transformation. To read my article 'My Perspectives on How To Face, Survive, and Thrive Through Challenges in Life' click here:
My purpose is to serve others. Stephanie Sparkles said that “I love when people that have been through 'Hell' walk out of the flames carrying buckets of water for those still consumed by the fire." True forgiveness even involves throwing buckets of water on those who started the fire if they are alight. Psychospirituality is that bucket of water.
Professor Brené Brown wrote "One day you will tell your story of how you've overcome what you're going through now, and it will become part of someone else's survival guide.” Here is that guide...
How toxic people have fuelled my own psychospiritual transformation
The case history that I have described and been subjected to has fuelled my spiritual evolution, growth, and transformation. This has led to:
Greater meaning and purpose in my life
An awakening of my compassion, which is essential to healing fully, as a result of being shown a total lack of compassion
Finding the meaning of real unconditional love as a result of being shown what it is to experience ‘imitation love’ which is a classic trait of toxic people in the form of them seeking meaningless sex, money, power, control, lack of acceptance, and to try to do anything to make you miserable
My spiritual awakening
Shown me the effect of having gratitude in my life by being shown by toxic people what it is to never be satisfied and insatiable with imperious drives
Truth cannot be contained. It states in Romans 6:22 “Knowing the Truth will set you at liberty – free from condemnation and death giving you eternal life.” ‘Eternal life’ represents the awakening of your Soul, which is unconscious, until you awaken it, through a psychospiritual approach. In John 3:16 it states “So now there is no condemnation for those in Jesus Christ.” Jesus was a human being, a real historical figure, a great philosopher, and a spiritual Master. He has shown me the way of spirituality, of looking inwards, in transforming your life.
Spirituality can help alleviate emotional pain, suffering, and fear. God doesn’t judge. The only sin is to not become who you were meant to be: In other words, spirituality.
My new goal is always peace. I have learned that joy can only come from inside. I have learned that stepping out of ego is a daily battle that you can win when you wake up enough through daily spiritual practices. These deflate my ego, and increase my conscious contact with my Higher Power. I have learned the deep effects that spirituality has had on my mental health diagnoses, where medicine, psychiatry, and psychotherapy have failed to improve any of my symptoms. Prior to that I felt that there was always something missing in my life. My spirituality has been a great source of strength and courage to me, and it has sent me challenges, to catalyse my personal transformation. I have learned that ‘this too shall pass’ and that all is well. These challenges are sent also with their solution to them.
Origins of toxic people
Kamand Kojouri points out that toxic behaviour stems from something within the person engaging in it. According to California clinical psychiatrist Dr Julian Lagoy, most toxic behaviour stems from childhood trauma, unmet childhood needs, a lack of unconditional love, and growing up in a dysfunctional family; all of which relate to childhood trauma. What we don’t get from our caregivers in childhood, he explains, we often try to extract from others in adulthood, by whatever means necessary. Toxicity in people may also be due to underlying psychological problems such as personality disorders such as NPD.
Childhood trauma
This is poorly understood by many psychiatrists and psychotherapists as they are not adequately trained in healing trauma or integrative psychospirituality. In my experience, many 'poo-poo' it. This means that they fail to recognise that trauma may create toxic people, and by not treating it, using the approaches recommended and described in the ‘Bible of trauma’ ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ by Bessel van der Kolk and also ‘The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture’ by Gabor Maté, both books being in my ‘Suggested Reading’ list, namely EMDR, somatic techniques such as yoga, and psychospiritual coaching, the toxicity and ego persist. The dysfunctional behaviour of toxic people then incorrectly becomes attributed to others, rather than to the toxic person themselves, which blocks their healing.
Marianne Williamson wrote that “My ego mind - my own self-hatred masquerading as Self-love - would point me always in the direction of fear, luring me toward the blaming thought, the attack or defence, the perception of guilt in others.” Toxic people suffer from fear and anxiety, and when you meet them face to face, in the real world, they are very sheepish, but they are wolves in sheep’s clothing, according to my experience of trolling, stalking, lying, gaslighting, projection, denial, manipulating, and blaming me and on social media and in their writing. They are only ‘brave at a distance’ in the unreal world. I have ditched all social media as a result, but they have set up fake accounts so that they can try to control and destroy me. But I am untouched by them. Again, as Freddie Mercury from Queen sang “Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me.”
Dr Peter Levine, one of the world experts on trauma, says that "All trauma is preverbal", suggesting that our reactions during adult stress are based on historical events in our early childhoods, and not on what is happening now. Childhood trauma makes you disconnect from your body. A traumatised nervous system never gets to unfreeze. Reconnecting with your body is part of the healing process. This reduces suffering and even disease. We reunite with the severed parts of our Selves. Trauma also splits us off from gut feelings. Healing allows us to reconnect with our feelings, which leads to our authenticity. The neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp once said “We have feelings because they tell us what supports our survival and what distract us from survival.” I reconnect with my body by doing yoga, which is part of my daily spiritual practice.
Toxic people are not traumatised as adults as all trauma is preverbal: They are only stressed by external events as it reminds them of their childhood trauma, which they have held on to, as their psyche is always the sum of their past experiences. This is why Kierra C.T. Banks wrote that “Childhood trauma doesn't excuse toxic behaviours in adulthood. Once you are aware, it's your duty to heal. It's called 'accountability.’ This is why we musn’t blame others as adults, but instead take responsibility and become accountable for our own lack of efforts to heal. I have compassion for my persecutor as their treating psychiatrists and therapists, if they have them, may not understand this.
We were almost all traumatised by our childhoods, but we don’t all become haters. In fact, many of us are filled with compassion and love, especially after being hated. So, why do haters hate? Narcissists, in particular, love to hate, be hated, and hate to be loved, fearing intimacy and seeking punishment through provoking negative reactions from others. They want people to hate them: And they achieve this by hating others. This makes them feel comfortable and relieved. They feel much less anxious when they are despised, disdained, held in contempt, rejected, humiliated, and degraded. These are the opinions of the doyens of child psychology. Donald Winnicott, a paediatrician turned psychoanalyst, and one of the forefathers of child psychology, together with Piaget and Unafrad. Winnicott suggested that abused and traumatised children don't dare to hope for love. They dare not hope for love. They anticipate rejection. They predict with absolute certainty and disappointment. They know what's coming. And to protect themselves against this, against hurt, against loss, against disappointment, they hate other people ostentatiously and visibly. They hate as a form of spectacle; as a performance. They act out their hatred or as Winnicott called it, through antisocial tendencies. They desire to be hated in return. It is their way of testing the waters. It's a lifelong test. It's a sadistic and masochistic test. It's destructive. It's self-defeating. It is our reaction to events which constitute the trauma. Epictetus, one of the greatest philosophers of all time, who preceded Winnicott by a few millennia, said that "Men are disturbed not by events, but by the views which they take of these events".
The psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut said that “When a child's needs are not met, a fragmented self (the ego, which is prominent in toxic people) emerges, consisting of the narcissistic self and the grandiose self." Both of these are common features of toxic people.
Fritz Perrins, the founder of Gestalt Therapy, said that a sense of reality is created through perception, the ways we view our experiences and not the events themselves. Donald Winnicot said that the child of a broken home or without parents spends his time unconsciously looking for his parents, and so feelings from past relationships are displaced onto other adults. The child has internalised the hate and sees it even when it is no longer present. And so in this new situation or in new situations, the child needs to see what happens when hatred is in the air. So, they create hatred. There are many ways for the child to express hatred and prove that he or she is indeed not worthy of being loved. This worthlessness is the message that was imparted by earlier negative parental experiences. From the child's point of view, he or she is attempting to protect themselves from the risk of ever having to feel love or to be loved because of the potential disappointment that accompanies that state of being. So, some children who are victims of childhood trauma love to be hated.
Of course, he who loves to be hated and hates to be loved also loves to hate and hates to be loved. He fears intimacy. Rampel and Burris suggested in 2005 that hate is a stable experiential state, that it is an emotion and that it involves a goal-driven motivation to attempt to diminish or utterly eradicate the well-being of the target of hate. The narcissist does not care about his victim's well-being. He just wishes to remove the fount of frustration altogether and expediently. The narcissist's hatred is not stable: It is a transformation of resentment and therefore an aggressive reaction to frustration. The narcissist does hate, and abundantly so. The narcissist resents his abject dependence on his sources of narcissistic supply. And by ridding himself of the constant presence of these sources, he seeks to ameliorate and mitigate the irritation and the anxiety that they cause him. Of course, even as he hatefully acts against his sources of supply, his fans, and his followers, he is terrified of losing them. And he attempts to placate and to bribe them into staying and fulfilling their function. Just go online on social media and you will see how much attention you can reap by being viciously aggressive and overtly violent, in a way that you would never do in reality. You don't get the same attention by being loving and compassionate.
So, narcissists want people, even those who start out by loving them, to end up hating them. They do it because they are sadists and masochists. They love to see the discomfort and pain that it causes. The blind rage that this induces in the targets of their vitriolic diatribes, this blind rage provokes in them a surge of gratification, satisfaction, inner tranquillity, not obtainable by any other means. They think less about their pain, but that is the lesser part of the equation: It is their own horrid future and inescapable punishment that carries the irresistible appeal to them. They reject friendships all in order to make people angry at them and hate them because then they know that their punishment is guaranteed. Their own self-destruction is all but done.
Fostering public revolt and the inevitable ensuing social sanctions fulfill two other psychodynamic goals. The first one I alluded to. It is the burning desire, the need, the drive to be punished, to be hated, to be rejected. In the grotesque mind of the narcissist, his or her punishment is equally his vindication. By being permanently on trial, the narcissist claims the high moral ground and the position of a martyr or a victim: Misunderstood, discriminated against, unjustly roughed, outcast by his very towering ‘genius’ or other ‘outstanding qualities’. To conform to the cultural stereotype of the tormented artist or the mad genius, the narcissist provokes his own suffering. He is thus validated. The persecution of the narcissist is his uniqueness. He must be different for better or for worse. The streak of paranoia embedded in the narcissist makes the outcome inevitable. His persecutive delusions are translated into actions that guarantee their own validity. To be hated is to be real. To be hated is to be true. To be hated is to be right. To be hated is to be just. To be hated is to be virtuous. And above all, to be hated is to be noticed. To be hated is to validate the narcissist's view of the world as a hostile jungle, malicious, full of malevolence, greed and envy. To be hated is a badge of honour. Deeper still, the narcissist has an image of himself as a worthless, bad, dysfunctional extension of others, a bad internal object. And so narcissism is compensatory. In constant need of narcissistic supply, the narcissist feels humiliated by this need. The contrast between his cosmic fantasies and the reality of his addiction, dependency, his clinging and neediness, and his typical failure, the grandiosity gap between reality and fantastic self-image, is an emotionally wrenching and harrowing experience. It is a constant background noise of devilish, demeaning laughter, harsh, unforgiving, unremitting, unrelenting inner critics sadistically in pursuit of the narcissist's sitting in judgement of him, in a tribunal that never adjures and is never satisfied, who presents no evidence. The voices say, you're a fraud and an imposter, you're a zero, you deserve nothing, you're a failure and a loser, if they only knew how worthless you are. Unconsciously, sometimes consciously, the narcissist says to these voices, "I do agree with you, I am bad, I am worthless, I'm deserving of the most severe punishment for my rotten characters and bad habits, addictions and the constant fraud that I've become. I will go out, I will seek my doom, I will make everyone hate me and destroy me."
Bessel van der Kolk says that it is your perception which causes trauma as a child, not the external event. He explains in this podcast that trauma is a breakdown of the synchronicity with, and connection between, human beings. This loss of connection explains how haters are formed. When we believe that we are all one and have compassion for each other there is no hate, no ego, only love. Bessel van der Kolk explains that recovery also includes how people can establish a relationship to themselves. He also says that this involves changing people's thinking through 'cognitive restructuring'.
Marianne Williamson wrote that “Spiritual growth involves giving up the stories of your past so the Universe can write a new one.”
One of the problems is that haters are not reasonable people, so they don't understand the truth that it is always the childhood trauma, not current circumstances, that subconsciously cause their emotional pain, until the trauma is treated. This is why their blame 'game' is misdirected at you, when in fact they should be looking within and working on themselves. Dr. Kolk says that they "See things through the lens of the past, which is nothing to do with your current experience." People who have had trauma are a ball of emotion, and there is no thinking, making them agitated, confused and befuddled. William Shakespeare used the term "Speechless terror" for this.
Dr Kolk continues to say that in childhood "Chaos is a terrible thing." Dr Gabor Maté says that it is not only our parents that hurt us through conditioning, but it also from a childhood experience of our dysfunctional, dystopian society, saying "Both hate and addiction are a manifestation of a society that is ill, disconnected, and traumatised." Dr Kolk says that we have evolved to want to become part of a tribe. Dr. Maté says that we sacrifice our authenticity to make sure that we have attachment. Yet the good news is that in some cases, and with the right trauma treatment, chaos can be transformational: Friedrich Nietzsche, the great philosopher, said that "I say unto you: One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star."
Dr. Kolk assures us that we can all heal from childhood trauma. He continues that "The more traumas that his patients have in their background, the more creative and successful they often become." Toxic people do not need to become haters. There is no excuse to use your childhood trauma as an excuse to become a hater. There is always a choice as to who you are BEing at every moment in your life.
Shakespeare’s 'Midsummer Night's Dream' recounts the tale of two couples who, due to some fairy mischief, spend an enchanted night falling in and out of love before all is righted in the end. At the height of the confusion, Hermia is flabbergasted when her lover, in trying to prove he no longer cares for her, says ”What, should I hurt her, strike her, kill her dead? Although I hate her, I’ll not harm her so.” To which the devastated Hermia responds, “What, can you do me greater harm than hate?”
Toxic people want a scapegoat. When you struggle with problems at work, low self-esteem, conflicts in your relationships, etc., it feels much better to funnel your negative energy into blaming someone else than to confront your role in your problems.
Hatred also surfaces when people are highly insecure. Often, they’ll compare themselves to other people. When they conclude that the other person may be better than them or possess undesirable traits that they don’t want to acknowledge having themselves, people may speak out against that person to project their anxiety onto them. But they are the haters with so many skeletons in their closet.
One thing that I discovered as I studied the psychology behind hate is that it says everything about the hater and nothing about the hated. When you hate someone, what you do is that you take all your weaknesses and project them onto someone else and then hate that person. When you are hating on someone, what you usually do is that you tell yourself the following, but refuse to listen: “I am insecure in myself, in my identification with my culture and everything. So here is what I am going to do. I am going to take all that and project it onto someone else because if I don’t do it, I am not sure I won’t hate myself to death."
T.D. Jakes wrote "You must realise that if you are going to reach the heights you have been called to reach, you may elicit some criticism from those who are jealous, petty or angry because they were left behind." Sylvester Stallone said "There's a natural law of Karma that vindictive people, who go out of their way to hurt others, will end up broke and alone." You can bend the laws of physics, but never the laws of Nature. Karma is real.
Joseph Campbell said "Your life is the fruit of your own doing. You have no one to blame but yourself."
Trolls, the tabloid press, ‘cancel culture’ (a misnomer as no one may judge anyone else and social media has become irrelevant and just a hiding place for people who are inherently inauthentic), and misguided 'institutions' are the cause of mental illness, not the solution to it. They represent impossibility, sickness, limitation, judgement, self-destruction, and death, in themselves; never their 'target'. Gregory S. Parks explains that the 'mask' that social media can provide - and the possible anonymity - with trolls creating fake names and fake identities so that they can hide the shame of who they really are “Reinforces the emotional divide” between a person and the troll (on-line hater), making it easier for the troll to push out hate to their inane followers.
At their core then, haters hate due to childhood trauma, insecurities, low self-esteem, self-loathing, purposelessness, jealousy, deep envy, unrequited 'love', projection, and fears that their own version of the 'truth' will get out.
Love and hate are more closely connected than we think, they are just different sides of the same coin. When someone hates you they still deeply love you, but as they can't have you, they seek to destroy you.
There's a direct correlation between the amount of success you enjoy and the number of haters you have. In the film 'Limitless' Bradley Cooper as Eddie Morra says "Obviously, I miscalculated a few things. Why is it that the moment your life exceeds your wildest dreams, the knife appears at your back? Well, I'll tell you one thing: I will never let them touch me."
In the Bible in Proverbs 10:7 it states that "Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs.' In Proverbs 10:12 it says that "The memory of the righteous will be a blessing, but the name of the wicked will rot." In Proverbs 10:18 it states "Whoever conceals hatred with lying lips and spreads slander is a fool."
I am reminded of a meme of Leonardo DiCaprio - a picture of him from the 2013 movie 'The Great Gatsby' - where he offers a toast: The meme says, "Cheers to all my haters - Be patient. So much more is coming." In short, be you, and do not let others diminish your achievements or drive.
For a further overview of childhood trauma read the book by Pete Walker 'Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving’, which is in my 'Suggested Reading' list.
Manifestations of toxic people
Projection
Mahatma Gandhi said “I will not let anyone walk through my mind with dirty feet.”
Marianne Williamson wrote that “Until we have met the monsters in ourselves, we keep trying to slay them in the outer world. And we find that we cannot. For all darkness in the world stems from darkness in the heart. And it is there that we must do our work.”
What is projection? How do we remain at peace in a world of toxic drama? What do you do when you meet the 'devil'? As Jesus said in 'The Passion of Christ' "Those who live by the sword shall die by the sword." Bertrand Russell said "Whenever one finds oneself inclined to bitterness, it is a sign of emotional failure." Be an actor not a re-actor. Silence is better than re-acting. A person who stays silent after being disrespected by you is far more dangerous to you than you think.
Carl Jung said that "Projection is one of the commonest psychic phenomena. Everything that is unconscious in ourselves we discover in our neighbour, and we treat him accordingly." In Carl Jung's psychology, projection is the unconscious attribution of one's own unwanted thoughts, feelings, or traits to another person or object. This defence mechanism allows individuals to avoid facing aspects of themselves they don't like or accept.
Of the many metaphors used to describe a life in process, the metaphor of a battle, is one of the most appropriate. In this battle our own self is both our greatest ally (our Higher Self) and our greatest opponent (our own ego), with a dynamic tension existing between those elements of our personality moving us forward into personal growth and those holding us back. Every person has the potential for good and evil that lies within, and which of these wins is a battle waged within your self. Far too many people set themselves up for defeat as they are unwilling to acknowledge the destructive part of their own BEing. Utilising various psychological defence mechanisms, such as projection, such people do their best to stay ignorant to their faults and weaknesses. In so doing these elements of their personality are relegated to their unconscious and make up the realm of the psyche that Jung called the shadow. The shadow exerts an active influence on our personality and affects our behaviour in a myriad of unforeseen ways. When we behave in a manner which is a product of our shadow, we treat someone poorly or take part in a self-destructive behaviour, rather than taking responsibility for such actions. Most people make use of the psychological phenomenon known as projection in order to avoid facing up to their own shadow.
Projection occurs when we attribute an element of our personality, which resides in our unconscious, to another person. It accounts for most interpersonal conflict. Sigmund Freud, who popularised the term in the mid-1890s, believed projection to be a defence mechanism used to avoid the anxiety that is provoked when one is forced to face up to their faults, desires, passions, transgressions, weaknesses, and destructive tendencies.
According to the clinical psychologist Dana Harron, the things people hate about others are the things that they fear within themselves. She suggests thinking about the targeted group or person as a movie screen onto which we project unwanted parts of the self. The idea is, “I'm not terrible; you are.”
Psychologist Brad Reedy further describes projection as our need to be good, which causes us to project 'badness' outward and attack it: We developed this method to survive, for any 'badness' in us put us at risk for being rejected and alone. So, we repressed the things that we thought were bad (what others told us or suggested to us that was unlovable and morally reprehensible), and we employ hate and judgement towards others. We think that is how one rids oneself of undesirable traits, but this method only perpetuates repression, which leads to many mental health issues in the hater.
The antidote to hate is always compassion - for others as well as for ourselves. Self-compassion means that we accept the whole Self. “If we find part of ourselves unacceptable, we tend to attack others in order to defend against the threat,” says Reedy. “If we are okay with ourselves, we see others’ behaviours as ‘about them’ and can respond with compassion. If I kept hate in my heart for another, I would have to hate myself as well. It is only when we learn to hold ourselves with compassion that we may be able to demonstrate it toward others.”
Toxic people are unconscious and asleep, have not undergone any personal or spiritual growth, and so typically lack the insight to be able have compassion for ourselves. Only by withdrawing our projections and becoming aware of the faults we previously projected onto others can we ever hope to take corrective measures. This process of withdrawal and integration is a difficult task for it takes courage to face up to one’s weaknesses and dark qualities. But while difficult, this task is crucial in the battle of life, for failure to confront one’s shadow leaves these elements free to grow in scope and influence. In other words, toxic people are hiding themselves from themselves. Their lack of insight makes them increasingly toxic over time.
Toxic people are joyless, and are never at peace. Jung explains that by trying to appear moralistic, toxic people descend into their own self-created 'Hell' and become the 'devil’: “When one tries desperately to be good and wonderful and perfect, then all the more the shadow develops a definite will to be black and evil and destructive. People cannot see that; they are always striving to be marvellous, and then they discover that terrible destructive things happen which they cannot understand, and they either deny that such facts have anything to do with them, or if they admit them, they take them for natural afflictions, or they try to minimise them and to shift the responsibility elsewhere. The fact is that if one tries beyond one’s capacity to be perfect, the shadow descends into Hell and becomes the devil.” Of course, the devil does not exist, neither does Hell, but the shadow that is uncontrolled is a personal Hell for the person who invokes it.
Those who rely too heavily on projection to shield them from their shadow, who never strive to question whether the image they hold of themselves is perhaps too perfect, go through life forever in need of scapegoats or people on whom to blame all their problems. After driving one’s scapegoat away, it is usually discovered that one’s problems persist nonetheless. Any 'victory' is short-lived. This spurs some to look within and to face up to the elements of their personality they have for so long tried to deny. But rather than partaking in this internal reflection, most people merely look for another scapegoat. And then another... Their life becomes a repeated pattern of hate, never loving themselves, and a descent into a personal 'Hell', forever chasing satisfaction, which is forever out of reach, and losing their mental health, minds, and their soul in the process.
People who blame others are consumed with themselves and by themselves. They self-combust, burn-out, self-sabotage, and self-destruct. Honoré de Balzac wrote "If we all said to people's faces what we say behind one another's backs, society would be impossible."
If someone tries to trip us up or criticise us, it’s never about us: It’s about them. It's not a me issue, it's a you issue. We don’t owe them anything in terms of amends. It is not for us to carry their emotional baggage, just because they have not done any of the inner work required to heal and be able to carry it themselves or to resolve it. If they took time to do the necessary inner spiritual work then they would not be so dissatisfied with their lives, they would stop projecting on others and stop looking outside for joy.
Carl Jung wrote that during challenges “The world will ask you who you are, and if you do not know, the world will tell you.” Most people don’t know anything about you or who they truly are themselves. So they project what they most dislike in themselves onto you. This is the domain of internet trolls, tabloid hacks, and gossip-junkies. It impresses the importance of you finding out who you are, so that you can tell them, or even better, so that you are so Self-assured that you don’t even feel the need to tell them. What people think of you is none of their business and it’s none of your business either - simply ignore the background noise. It’s just static. The key is to take ownership of your identity and to ‘know thyself’.
Carl Jung wrote that “Thinking is difficult, that’s why most people judge.” It is only for God to judge: No-one else. Judging requires no wisdom or brainpower. Judgement is an addiction. Judgement is the antithesis of compassion, which is what the world needs more than ever. Wilson Kanadi wrote that "Those who judge will never understand, and those who understand will never judge." We are stuck in a pandemic of judgement right now. Why don’t you try giving it a rest if your brain is not up to it? It’s a persecutor mentality masquerading as a victim. Just leave the drama behind. The reality is far more complex. Judging shuts down the possibility of genuine connection and understanding. And it’s pretty dumb.
Our inner critic, by default, agrees with people who criticise us as it evolved during our childhood when we were conditioned by our parents and society. We are only responsible for our own emotional pain. We let go of Self-blame. The great philosopher Epictetus wrote that “Common and vulgar people ascribe all ills that they feel to others; people of little wisdom ascribe to themselves; people of much wisdom, to no-one.“ He continued that “To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.” Those who criticise us through projection have skeletons bursting out of their closets.
Toxic, lost, fearful people who try to send you obstacles are like wild animals. They are cowards but they will bluff you if they can. If they see that you are afraid of them, they are liable to spring upon you; but if you look them squarely in the eye, they will slink out of sight, like the snakes that they are. Let the dead leaves drop. They will rot.
In the short poem, which describes projection perfectly and succinctly, ‘Poison and Antidote’ Samyukta B. wrote:
“You pointed out my imperfections
like you had none.
Darling, what you saw
was only a reflection.”
The Bible seems to have prophesied the concept of projection: In Proverbs (17:20) it states that "A person of crooked heart does not discover good, and one with a dishonest tongue falls into calamity." In Titus (1:15) it says "To the pure, all things are pure, but to the defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure; but both their minds and their consciences are defiled."
As Epictetus, the Greek Stoic philosopher, reminded us in 'The Art of Living: The Classical Manual on Virtue, Happiness and Effectiveness' “I laugh at those who think they can damage me. They do not know who I am, they do not know what I think, they cannot even touch the things which are really mine and with which I live.” If you don't even know who you are, how can you begin to know who others truly are?
Plato reminds us "When men speak ill of thee, live so as nobody may believe them." He also said "Justice means minding one's own business and not meddling with other men's concerns."
As Jesus said in Matthew (7:3-5) "How can you say to your brother, `Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."
Hate is an intense aversion or hostility towards someone or something. It involves a strong negative emotional response and often includes a desire to harm, devalue, or exclude the target of hatred. From a psychological standpoint, hate is a learned response from personal childhood experiences, societal conditioning, and cognitive processes.
Psychologist Bernard Golden, author of 'Overcoming Destructive Anger: Strategies That Work', believes that when hate involves participation in a group, it may help foster a sense of connection and camaraderie that fills a void in one’s identity. He describes hatred of individuals or groups as a way of distracting oneself from the more challenging and anxiety-provoking task of creating one’s own identity: But healing can only happen when one returns to the wholeness of one's true Self. Golden said that "Acts of hate are attempts to distract oneself from feelings such as helplessness, powerlessness, injustice, inadequacy and shame. Hate is an attitude that can give rise to hostility and aggression toward individuals or groups. Like much of anger, it is a reaction to and distraction from some form of inner pain. The individual consumed by hate may believe that the only way to regain some sense of power over his or her pain is to pre-emptively strike out at others. In this context, each moment of hate is a temporary reprieve from (the hater's) inner suffering."
Haters can be truly toxic. But they are totally lost, both to themselves and to the world. They have no hope of getting what they want: To control you.
Psychotherapists say that “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” But, according to the globally renowned spiritual Master Michael Singer, the author of ‘The Untethered Soul’ and ‘Living Untethered’, “It is the stupidest thing to take something that bothered you decades ago and let it affect how you think and how you live now. You have stored psychological garbage inside of you and you’re keeping it there. What do you dislike, you have kept at the forefront of your mind, which is bizarre, as that is what is making you unhappy: It’s not the outside world making you unhappy, or anyone else. It's the fact that you stored everything that you disliked from your childhood. This is what is determining your life. These stored experiences and thoughts are called preferences.”
Hatred often stems from unresolved childhood trauma and resulting fear, insecurities, jealousy, deep envy, self-loathing, low self-esteem, projection, worries that their own truth will get out (which it always does), unrequited love (how can anyone love them if they don’t love themselves), and purposelessness, all amplifying internal struggles. Addressing these issues can transform negativity into evolution. There is a way out, a higher path, if haters are courageous enough to take it. Haters hold the key to the prison that they have constructed for themselves. If haters choose healing over resentment, they can set themselves free and join the path towards growth. In this way, haters can use self-awareness and compassion to allow emotional pain to transform their historical wounds into wisdom.
Hate is a disintegrating force, it is a poison and destroys the hater, and although the one hated may feel uneasy or uncomfortable yet the action is mainly expended on the one who does the hating. George Washington Carver said that “Fear of something is at the root of hate for others and hate within will ultimately destroy the hater.” James Baldwin said that “I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.”
Hate prevents the healing of the wounds that created the hate. Healing from past hurts from childhood involves learning how to accept and grow from painful experiences. The constant review of these hurts or threats causes a re-experiencing of the emotional pain, fear, and intimidation, which prevents healing from these experiences. Focusing on healing from past hurts, rather than reliving them, will bring a greater sense of well-being, mental health, and a cure for spiritual dis-ease.
Oprah Winfrey reminds us that hatred comes from self-hatred, saying that “You cannot hate other people without hating yourself.”
“Perception is not always reality. If an individual hates a group of people based on stories told by their peers, it’s important to challenge these stories with exposure and education,” says Gideon Javna, a therapist in Richmond, Virginia. This is that challenge.
For my article on ‘Haters Gonna Hate: But Why Do They Hate? The Psychology of Hatred’ click here:
Attempts to discredit you and destroy you
“What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger” comes from an aphorism of the 19th century German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche. The vitriolic attacks by the toxic person described above led to me to having two suicide attempts and 10 weeks as an inpatient on a secure psychiatric unit. Getting through this has made me so strong, as few people would have survived the poisonous onslaughts described above.
Seeking conflict and drama
Toxic people crave drama and conflict: They are completely addicted to it. They will incessantly try to draw you in to their poisonous world, pretending to be victims, when in fact they are persecutors.
Here is my full article on the 'The Drama Triangle':
When those people cannot, and will not, have your love; that is unbearable to them as they want to control you, and they are unlovable. Your mistake was to give them temporary relief of their preexisting pain from their childhood trauma. When you removed your Self from the situation as you realised how toxic they were, they blamed all the pain that they have decided to carry on you. Those people are incapable of giving or receiving real love or compassion, even to themselves, and those that are unlucky enough to be close to them, which is why they crave and are obsessed with you. So they seek imitation love in the form of vain attempts at it through changing their unacceptable appearance, by wearing masks, by pretending to be other than who they actually are, through cosmetic treatments and surgery, inauthenticity, judgement, attempts at financial gain, and mock righteousness; from an ugly place of utter desperation, confusion and being deeply asleep: The irony is that the only thing that is actually ‘broken’ in their lives is their psyche. They do not realise that this can be fixed. Toxic people are restless, irritable, discontent, and devious, persecuting manipulators who cannot find peace. They seek drama incessantly as they cannot bear that people don't want anything to do with them. They are persecutors masquerading as victims. These trolls play games in order to manipulate you into their con as they can't show their face in public, through the shame of who they truly are, and can't bear being without you.
Lying, gossiping, gaslighting, and manipulating
Steve Maraboli wrote “Some people are an abyss of misery. Empty Souls with empty hearts. Although often outgoing, endearing, and even charismatic at times, when their mask falls off, it reveals an incurably miserable person who is eager to spread their malignant energy. They feed on drama, gossip, lies, manipulation, and attempts at destruction. They are a place happiness goes to die.”
They lie so naturally that they even begin to believe their own lies, and will do anything, including manipulating healthcare professionals, to try to convince them that they are other than who they truly are.
They may constantly criticise others, gaslight them, be passive-agressive (or overtly aggressive). Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation and emotional abuse where someone makes another person doubt their own sanity, memory, or perception of reality. Toxic people will then falsely portray themselves as the victim and you as the perpetrator, when the reverse is true. They play the victim role expertly. Toxic people don't accept responsibility. If you call out a toxic person for an insult they delivered, expect to be told that you're too sensitive. They may act outraged that you could think badly of them, or blame you for their behavior. Gaslighting -- where someone tries to make you doubt your perceptions or memories -- is a common tactic of toxic people.
Toxic people don't care if you feel confused or hurt by their actions. Showing them that you are upset can increase their toxic behaviors. One way to counteract this is using the 'gray rock' technique, where you respond to toxic people with no emotion. This technique helps eliminate the payoff they get from hurting others.
Toxic people try to isolate their victims from their friends and family (as my persecutors have tried and failed to do with me) worsening their feelings of loneliness and social withdrawal.
They manipulate others to get what they want. Do you feel taken advantage of? Manipulated? Toxic people manipulate those around them to get what they want. This can mean lying, bending the truth, exaggerating, or leaving out information to cause you to take a certain action or have a certain opinion of them. They’ll do whatever it takes, even if it means hurting people.
Disrupting and ignoring boundaries
Toxic people disregard boundaries. You may find yourself constantly on edge, wondering when they will violate your boundaries again. This hypervigilance feels like a constant state of alert or fear. Any attempt to set boundaries with a toxic person will result in them working harder at dismantling them.
Healthy relationships are based on trust and the ability to respect boundaries. Toxic people just can’t do that.
Recruiting others to their malevolent ways
This is done through attempts at dehumanisation, lying, subterfuge, and deceit.
Toxic people often surround themselves with enablers or manipulate others into taking their side. They will use ‘flying monkeys’ to check in on you to see if you have moved on from them as they are obsessed with you. Flying monkeys may be mutual friends and contacts who knowingly or unknowingly pass on messages from the toxic person. Toxic people also search incessantly through stalking and social media to 'invisibly' intrude on your life. I know that my persecutors have used all these techniques.
Toxic people will try to create the perception and impression of an 'invisible army' that the toxic person claims is against you. Toxic people will engage in this behaviour both personally and professionally. Toxic people will exploit and undermine you by contacting your coworkers and employers, recruiting them to turn against you through lies, threats, promises, or persuasion.
Dehumanising others
Hate is motivated by dehumanisation - the tendency to see other people as less than human. This act of making a person or group of people inferior has been a key motivating factor in prejudice, discrimination, and oppression. By making the other person 'less than' we strip them of the qualities that make them relatable.This process can lead to overt aggressive forms of attempted harm.
Toxic people attempt to dehumanise you in order to persecute you and to encourage others to do the same, as Hitler did with the Jews, and in the enforced discrimination of apartheid, which resulted oppression of the Black majority by the white minority. Dehumanisation is a demonic psychological approach to deprive others of their positive human qualities, conning other people and groups into sustained attacks on them. Dehumanisation leads to injustice, suffering, and even death.
A psychospiritual approach to healing for toxic people
What is a psychospiritual approach?
It isn't your job to 'fix' a toxic person, but you can steer them to resources that can help them. Encourage toxic people to get help. Therapy can uncover the reasons behind their behaviour and teach them better ways to manage their feelings. But don't be surprised if they won't admit that they need help. Healing from toxicity, like most mental illnesses, requires both a psychological and a spritual approach: What has been called ‘psychospiritual’ healing.
Psychospirituality, which has even been described in 'Forbes Magazine', refers to integrating psychological self-awareness with spiritual growth, resulting in a holistic sense of well-being and personal development. It involves using both psychological insight and spiritual practices to understand oneself and better navigate life's challenges.
A 2020 study published in ‘Frontiers In Psychology’ theorised that certain psychological character strengths, such as kindness, gratitude, and wisdom, are associated with being psychospiritual. Researchers suggest that individuals with these qualities are more likely to experience 'spiritual wholeness.' These are not qualities associated with toxic people, which is all the more reason that they will benefit from them through healing practices. The study states that “Wholeness involves embracing all aspects of oneself - emotional, mental and spiritual, resulting in a unified, coherent sense of identity. This state of wholeness is marked by a deep connection to one’s inner Self, values and purpose, leading to a fulfilling and meaningful life.” Healing means ‘to be whole.’ Without spirituality as part of a psychological approach there is no healing, and the psyche remains fractured with a persistent ego, which is the whole problem behind toxicity in people. The ego is the ‘King Baby’ in toxic people: This is why they are often called “Egomaniacs with an inferiority complex”, oft cited when referring to 12 step recovery.
Within the positive psychology field, spirituality is considered as a vital aspect of the human experience, and often as a tool to enhance resilience in the face of adversity, and as a compass for navigation of a fulfilled life.
In a brilliant and seminal article on psychospirituality in a pear reviewed scientific psychology journal the author writes “The term psychospiritual has entered psychological and religious discourse as a loose designation for the integration of the psychological and the spiritual. As a broad term it can denote a variety of positions between psychology and spirituality: A supplementation, integration, identification or conflation of the two fields. It is commonly used to describe a wide range of therapeutic systems which embrace a spiritual dimension of the human being as fundamental to psychic health and full human development and which utilise both psychological and spiritual methods (such as meditation, yoga, and breathwork) in a holistic, integrated approach to healing and inner growth. These include Jungian psychology, Roberto Assagioli’s Psychosynthesis, the post-Jungian archetypal psychology of James Hillman, transpersonal psychology, such as the work of Abraham Maslow, Stanislav Grof, Ken Wilber, Michael Washburn and Charles Tart, and the spiritual psychology of Robert Sardello.”
In a book on psychospirituality entitled ‘The Psychospiritual Clinician's Handbook: Alternative Methods for Understanding and Treating Mental Disorders’ it states that “For most of the history of psychology and psychiatry, there has been a focus on the negative aspects of mental health, involving the diagnosing and treating of diseases and disorders. In recent years, however, there has been a move toward “Positive Psychology,” in which the focus is on the positive aspects of mental health.
Psychological changes and symptoms throughout the life span are seen as having the potential for positive growth that can be incorporated into the treatment process rather than a pathological process that needs to be eliminated or suppressed. Additionally, practitioners are seeing more and more people who may not have a clinical diagnosis yet feel there is something ‘missing’ in their lives. For too long, mind and body were considered separate entities, but great strides have been made in the past few decades with regard to recognising the interconnections between the mind and body in disease and health. However, many practitioners are still neglecting a third entity - the role of spirituality in health and healing. Recent research is indicating that spirituality plays a significant role in health and longevity. Yet, spirituality is rarely present in the therapy session. When utilising spirituality in therapy, the practitioner must take into consideration the individual's personal belief systems and help him or her derive a concept of spirituality that is a unique fit.
The book describes how a psychospiritual approach may be used in those who have experienced trauma. Dr Sharon G. Mijares, Ph.D., presents the idea that, when viewed through a spiritual approach, trauma can be viewed as 'an opportunity for a quantum leap in consciousness.' How many practitioners have worked with a client who has experienced severe trauma and who, months or years later, asserts that he or she wouldn't go back and 'undo' the trauma if such a thing were possible? The client has learned something so profound, or become someone so different, that he or she is sometimes actually thankful that the trauma occurred. Some rare individuals are able to do this on their own, but many may need psychospiritual guidance to achieve this state of acceptance and contentment. Mijares provides specific treatment approaches and case examples to clearly define the psychospiritual approach as it relates to trauma. The book also outlines how spirituality may be used as an approach to attention-deficit disorders such as Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). The book also describes how psychospirituality may also be used to treat difficult-to-treat disorders such as NPD. The neuroplasticity of the brain in 'mindful awareness' integrates psychospiritual and biological approaches to mental health. Integrative therapies provided a foundation on which to base use of a new approach to an 'old' problem. The use of a certain psychospiritual techniques could circumvent or eliminate the need to utilise pharmacotherapy altogether.”
Psychospiritual individuals prioritise understanding their inner world and emotions. They may be more likely to engage in practices such as meditation, mindfulness, breathwork, and journalling to gain clarity of thought, process emotions, and pursue deep inner growth and healing. They are drawn to, and open to, various spiritual teachings and practices, seeking wisdom from diverse traditions and cultures. This curiosity isn’t superficial but stems from a genuine desire to understand the nature of existence and their place within it. They also strive to cultivate a mindset that allows them to perceive the sacred and divine in everyday moments. Instead of feeling defeated by setbacks, they view them as opportunities to evolve both psychologically and spiritually, integrating these experiences into a meaningful life story of their own.
Being psychospiritual is about looking inward to understand yourself while seeking out experiences that connect you to something greater. Recognising and cultivating your strengths is essential to this process.
Researchers suggest that you can also cultivate psychospirituality by surrounding yourself with people who uplift and inspire you. Set specific, achievable goals that align with your passions and values and remember that obstacles can be a valuable teacher as well as a crucible for transformation.
Why is psychology and medicine not enough to heal toxic people?
If toxic people had a psychospiritual approach to their healing from mental illness and spiritual dis-ease, they would not be toxic to others any longer. Their toxicity comes from holding onto their ego. If people have psychiatric and psychological treatment only, without a spiritual approach, they do not transcend the ego. Psychiatrists and therapists who do not believe in Soul cannot be expected to heal it. There is much evidence for this and it originated from the teachings and philosophy of Carl Jung.
Psychiatry can trap people as psychiatrists don’t always understand trauma or psychospirituality. The state of victimhood prevents growth, evolution, and transformation, inhibiting healing and recovery. Some toxic people choose to remain a victim instead of doing the spiritual work required for them to heal, and this is tragically encouraged by some psychiatrists and psychotherapists (especially those working in the private industry), keeping toxic people in their captivity as a life sentence, imprisoning them, subjugating them, binding them to them, and perpetuating their mental illness lifelong: Whereas in a psychospiritual coaching approach, the sessions are completed when the patient is healed.
The stigma associated from having a mental health condition in NPD further discourages toxic people from seeking help.
Ahmed Mostafa wrote “You're damaged beyond repair that even if I wanted to fix you I couldn't.” The only way out is to fix yourself, which is why I have written this guide as to how you can do that.
The problem reflects a lack of compassion and awareness from not only some elements of the psychiatric profession, but also the wider institutions that are supposed to govern medicine. For example, there is stigma from the medical profession about mental illness and medical institutions are also responsible for this due to their lack of compassion. Elyn R. Saks, a professor, lawyer, psychiatrist, and mental health advocate wrote in her autobiography ‘The Centre Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness’ that “Stigma against mental illness is a scourge with many faces, and the medical community wears a number of those faces.” The medical institutions are broken and can not even look after their own, let alone others, they have been told so by their own leaders, and they know it, but they don't know how to become compassionate leaders, or don't want to do anything about it through fear of their own demise.
Doctors can be patients too. We are only human, we make mistakes, and should be treated humanely and with compassion.
Deepak Chopra wrote “Enlightened leadership is spiritual if we understand spirituality not as some kind of religious dogma or ideology but as the domain of awareness where we experience values like Truth, goodness, beauty, love and compassion, and also intuition, creativity, insight and focused attention.” Amen to those.
The Archbishop of Canterbury recently said that "Everyone is a mess." Two in three (66%) of GPs in the UK say that the proportion of patients needing help with their mental health has increased in the last 12 months.
We all need an Enlightened Witness on the path of recovering our true Selves. I have met some brilliant holistic psychiatrists, usually those who have walked the path themsleves. But I have also met some who have zero wisdom about what it means to truly heal your Soul, who have clearly never read Carl Jung. They unravel you, don't heal you, and may cause more damage than they heal. I saved my Self, and I did it through Transformative Life Coaching (TLC). Only you can truly save your Self. As Elizabeth Gilbert said “Do you have the courage to bring forth the treasures that are hidden within you?” Friedrich Nietzsche believed that embracing difficulty is essential for a fulfilling life, considered the journey of Self-discovery one of the greatest and most fertile existential challenges. He wrote "No-one can build you the bridge on which you, and only you, must cross the river of life. There may be countless trails and bridges and demigods who would gladly carry you across; but only at the price of pawning and forgoing yourself. There is one path in the world that none can walk but you. Where does it lead? Don’t ask, walk!"
Carl Jung said that “Only what is really oneself has the power to heal.” In 'C.G. Jung Letters' he wrote "Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Without, everything seems discordant; only within does it coalesce into unity. Who looks outside dreams; who looks inside awakes." Jung said "I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become." Jesus had already said in Luke 4:23 "Physician, heal thyself." This is a biblical proverb meaning that people should take care of their own defects and not focus on correcting the projected faults of others. It is also the idea that you cannot fill the cup of others unless your cup is full, too.
Psychologist Lauren Fogel Mersy wrote “Being able to be your true Self is one of the strongest components of good mental health.” It's a rarity in today's world. Paulo Coelho wrote "All stress, anxiety, depression, is caused when we ignore who we are, and start living to please others.” Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the psychiatrist who described the five stages of grief, wrote “It is not the end of the physical body that should worry us. Rather, our concern must be to live while we're alive - to release our inner Selves from the spiritual death that comes with living behind a facade designed to conform to external definitions of who and what we are.” Julian Seifter adds "You are not your illness. You have an individual story to tell. You have a name, a history, a personality. Staying your Self is part of the battle." You have the Power of your VOICE. Do not feel judged by those who are asleep. Neville Goddard wrote "All the honours of men in a state of sleep are as nothing."
Dr Gabor Maté wrote "Unless we can measure something, science won’t concede it exists, which is why science refuses to deal with such 'non-things' as the emotions, the mind, the soul, or the Spirit." In order to heal, we need to express our emotions, drop out of our negative thinking mind, and into our open hearts, and connect with and become one with our soul, Higher Power, or true Self (these are all the same thing). As Pierre Teilhard de Chardin wrote "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." I have found that this always leads me out of fear, even where medication and therapy have failed. Many psychologists including Dr Gabor Maté feel that spiritual dis-ease underlies much of our mental illness.
My psychiatrist told me that Nature knows what it is doing and to trust the process. Dr Maté echoes “There arises the possibility of returning to what Nature has always intended for us: Once we resolve to see clearly how things are, the process of healing - a word that, at its root, means 'returning to wholeness' - can begin.” This is a remembering of who we are and integrating our inner child and our Higher Self in order to become whole.
Faith and spirituality are disciplines of healing that use the same metaphors as psychology and philosophy to explain how one heals a fractured psyche. The first recorded instance of Jesus, a human being who was one of the greatest philosophers of all time, who always lived and made choices from his higher Self from BEing love, saying that “Your Faith has made you well” is found in Matthew 9:22. Some versions of the Bible translate Jesus’ words as “Thy Faith hath made thee whole,” and, “Your Faith has healed you.” To me this is a metaphor for authenticity and integration of your inner child with your Higher Self. This shows how the various disciplines of positive psychology, philosophy, spiritually and Faith are different ways of describing the same Truth. Transformative Life Coaching (TLC) is a blend of all these disciplines, which are all so effective in finding peace and wellbeing, because they are actually all based on the same Truth. The Venn diagram of these disciplines mostly involves the overlap: Which is the moment-to-moment choice of living from a place of love: A place of authentic wholeness and integrity.
Dr Edward Bach wrote "Disease is, in essence, the result of conflict between Soul and mind (ego), and will never be eradicated except by spiritual and mental effort." We are all working towards our own mental health. Lack of unconditional love causes most mental and emotional illnesses. It’s not by chance that the word evolve contains the word love in it. The mind is the dwelling place of ego, and the heart is the dwelling place of the soul. You can feel it can't you? Embarking on a spiritual journey entails stepping into the labyrinth of Self-discovery and consciousness.
Inner work as a life saver for toxic people
Carl Jung described the journey of mental healing as one of transformation, which “Can only happen to you when you walk on a path, which leads you to a higher understanding through a reeducation of the mind.” This letter was written in 1961. That was 62 years ago.
There is a process of becoming who you really are. Jung called it ‘individuation’. It requires loss. You can’t become your true Self without losing your false self - the ego. Because that's the work. It’s the very meaning of 'Self-becoming'. That’s why Jung said, “There is no coming to consciousness without pain.” If you face something hard, don’t just try to “Get over it.” Sit with it. Let it teach you. How is that experience helping you to let go? What can you learn to release? Although he was a psychiatrist, Jung recognised the process of individuation as being a spiritual one that leads your psyche to being whole and healed.
“Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adversity and stumble from defeat to defeat,” notes the French author Anaïs Nin. Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön also said, “To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in ‘no-man’s-land’, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again. ” This is the daily battle of deflating and even killing the ego.
Toxic people who never do the difficult inner work required to heal and become whole are taking a great risk. Anaïs Nin captured that these people experience a kind of death of the Soul that they were born with, writing “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. Living never wore one out so much as the effort not to live”. Most toxic people never truly live. They remain asleep and stuck in their ego, their false self.
Sengstan Hsin Hsin Ming wrote that “The Great Way is not difficult for those who have no preferences. When love and hate are both absent everything becomes clear and undisguised. Make the smallest distinction, however, and ‘Heaven’ and Earth are set infinitely apart. If you wish to see the Truth then hold no opinion for or against. The struggle of what one likes and what one dislikes is the disease of the mind”. Neale Donald Walsch wrote, in his seminal trilogy ‘Conversations with God’, which is in my ‘Suggested Reading’ list, that “It is the nature of people to love, then destroy, then love again that which they value most.” He continued “The Highest Thought is always that thought which contains joy. The Clearest Words are those words which contain Truth. The Grandest Feeling is that feeling which you call love. Joy, Truth, love.” If toxic people transform to love love rather than coming from a place of hate and fear, they are able to evolve and grow.
William James, the American philosopher and psychologist, said that “The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude.” For my full article on 'Looking Within' click here:
Witness consciousness as a healing spiritual power
Ram Dass, the Harvard psychology Professor turned spiritual Master said that “One way to get free of attachment is to cultivate the witness consciousness, to become a neutral observer of your own life.” Toxic people react unintelligently rather than respond. Remain seated at the seat of your Soul, rather than jumping up and joining the mêlée. Ram Dass continued, saying that “Everything changes once we identify with being the witness to the story, instead of the actor in it.”
Joseph P. Kauffman, author of ‘The Answer Is YOU: A Guide to Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual Freedom’, wrote that “This witnessing consciousness, this formless dimension of yourself, is the awareness in which your experience happens, yet it remains untouched by this experience at all times. It is similar to the background of white on which you are reading these words. This white background allows any and every word to exist within it, yet it is not confined to any of these words. Similarly, your awareness allows any and every form to exist within it, but it is not bound to any of these forms.”
There is wisdom in the legendary song sang by Freddie Mercury from Queen ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’, where Freddie sings “Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me.” This perfectly describes the Hindu philosophy and state of witness consciousness where thoughts, emotions, people’s actions, places, and circumstances are observed through pure awareness but it does not touch your real Self: You don’t leave the perfectly serene seat of your Soul. This innermost silent and pure awareness experientially knows that existence is and continues, even in the absence of thoughts, sensations, and emotions. This kind of pure awareness, free from any object of consciousness has been generally ignored in Western philosophies, to their detriment. This is because Western philosophies are largely intellectual and miss out completely on the experiential wisdom from the East. The Witness Consciousness is another name for Atman (the Supreme Self). Witness consciousness refers to the process of cultivating 'pure awareness' without judgment of good or bad. Buddhism has long clarified the difference; Western psychology needs to be more explicit about it, and is lacking without it. William Shakespeare, the greatest author of all time, who was also a spiritual Master, knew this hundreds of years ago when he wrote in Hamlet that "Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so". He was way ahead of his time, and Western philosophy and psychology would be best advised to deeply hear his words.
Ram Dass wrote that "My own strategy is to keep cultivating the witness, that part of me that notices how I'm doing it - to cultivate the quiet place in me that watches the process of needing approval, of the smile on the face, of the false humility, of all the horrible creepy little psychological things that are just my humanity. And watching them occur again and again and again."
Teaching toxic people to respond and not react
Whenever we face adversity or when we are dealing with a difficult or toxic person (and there are many of them, who don’t have lives at all in the real world), we often rely on our usual habit of reacting: This doesn’t serve us very well. We overreact, blow things out of proportion, hold on too tightly to the little things, and focus on the negative aspects of people. We get irritated and immobilised by little things and we and lose sight of the bigger picture. We ignore and annoy people who might help us. This gets in the way of getting what we want. We live our lives as though they were one big emergency. We often rush around and are incessantly busy. But we typically compound our ‘problems’. We spend our lives facing what we think is one drama after another. We begin to think that our ‘problems’ really are a big deal. When you start to face life with more ease, problems that seemed insurmountable replace old perspectives and patterns of reaction, and we find that, even the ‘biggies’ stop seeming as such. As it says in the book by Richard Carlson of the same name, which is in my 'Suggested Reading' list "Don’t sweat the small stuff: It’s all small stuff." There is another way of living that replaces our perspective of reacting: That is to always respond, and never to react.
For my article 'Responding Versus Reacting Versus Creating' click here:
Compassion
Toxic people do not have compassion, but it essential to their healing and wholeness. Compassion is both a catalyst for transformation and a consequence of it: It is like a positive feedback loop.
Arthur Schopenhauer, the brilliant German philosopher, wrote that “Compassion is the basis of all morality.”
God will take little notice of us if we are not loving. The basis of our recovery program is compassion and love for one another. Our understanding of each other’s feelings and our desire to help is the foundation of our recovery. We are never as close to God as in our compassionate moments. That’s when we know the true meaning of morality. That’s when we know God. I remember the compassion that brought me to recovery. May my actions today be a reflection of that love. Look in the mirror and tell the person looking back that you love them. We need to love ourselves before we can show it to others. Be kind to those you meet, but first of all be gentle, loving, and kind to you, you are worth it!
Compassion is what we find at the end of the spiritual rainbow after we have taken the transformative journey. It's the pot of gold that never runs out. It's a core value that underpins so many others such as love and service. It's one of my core values. The greatest Masters of wisdom and Truth consistently place compassion at the top of the pyramid of human behaviours. Everything they teach seems to culminate with showing compassion for others.
The Dalai Lama XIV said that compassion is “Love, affection, kindness, gentleness, generosity of spirit, and warm-heartedness.” People with these traits don’t go into an interpersonal encounter seeking something for themselves: They go in with the intention of serving that person in some way, especially if that person is suffering. Maya Angelou said “My mission in life is not simply to survive, but to thrive, and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humour, and some style."
One of the most Enlightened human beings I’ve come across in my years studying spirituality, philosophy, wisdom, and Truth, Neem Karoli Baba, was Ram Dass’s guru. In fact, he’s the one who gave the former Harvard clinical psychology professor, psychotherapist, and revolutionary Richard Alpert the new name of 'Ram Dass', meaning 'Servant of God'. Baba taught his devotees only this: "Love everyone, serve everyone and remember God." Underlying all this teaching was compassion.
Fyodor Dostoyevsky, of the greatest novelists in all of world literature with many of his works considered to be highly influential masterpieces, wrote “Compassion is the chief law of human existence.” The Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh consistently mentioned the importance of compassion over everything else. He said "I vow to live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion. Look at flowers, butterflies, trees, and children with the eyes of compassion. Compassion will change your life and make it wonderful.” He reminded us that action is required “Compassion is a verb.” John Holmes agrees “There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.” Jenni Schaefer reminds us that compassion begins with the Self and involves action. “Real hope combined with real action has always pulled me through difficult times. Real hope combined with doing nothing has never pulled me through.” We use pride to keep shame pushed down, but what we need to use is compassion.
The word compassion originates from the Latin compati (com means with and pati/passio means suffer) meaning 'to suffer with.' Passion means suffering and relates to the suffering of Christ on the cross. Our society is one in which we are all traumatised, even if we don't know it, and can be best described as a world where traumatised people go around deliberately traumatising other traumatised people. We are all drowning. But we are all the same. We are one. Why do toxic people try to drown others? They do it because they are asleep and they are having nightmares that others are trying to drown them. They are not. The transformational journey is one of waking up: Compassion is an essential element of this.
Jack Kornfield wrote “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”
The 'Five Levels of Compassion' were described so beautifully by my personal hero, the brilliant Dr. Gabor Maté: Please do watch any of his YouTube videos, they will literally change your life. I will name my next pet 'Gabor' for sure. Compassion is the way that we need to show up for ourselves and others as part of our individual and collective healing journey. Compassionate Inquiry is a psychotherapeutic method developed by Dr. Gabor Maté that reveals what lies beneath the appearance we present to the world: Behind the masks that we wear. Dr. Gabor Maté says that "We are all like the rest of us." This is the basis of compassion. He described the five levels of compassion in the video below.
Compassion is essential to Enlightenment: This is a state of expanded consciousness, of permanent bliss, similar to the feeling of seeing a magnificent sunset over the sea; when you dive deeply into meditative presence, or feel unconditional love. Eckhart Tolle wrote that "If there are people you haven't forgiven, you're not going to really awaken. You have to let go".
Don't judge anyone
Toxic people judge incessantly. Wilson Kanadi wrote "Those who judge will never understand, and those who understand will never judge."
Toxicity and judgement therefore comes from those who are disconnected with reality, themselves, and each other. Steve Maraboli said “How would your life be different if you stopped making negative judgemental assumptions about people you encounter? Let today be the day. You look for the good in everyone you meet and respect their journey. It is only with true love and compassion that we can begin to mend what is broken in the world. It is these two blessed things that can begin to heal all broken hearts.” In toxic people, their judgement comes from denial and projection.
Jesus said in John 8:7 “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to cast a stone.” Friedrich Nietzsche said “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” If you want to find peace and serenity in life, let go of judgement (as well as attachment and resistance). Non-judgement is the basis of surrender.
Jesus said in Matthew 7 “Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.”
Marianne Williamson wrote that “The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.” She continued that "I deepen my experience of God through prayer, meditation, and forgiveness."
Whatever the question, love is the answer. Therefore the only question is “What would love do?” Here is my full article on 'Don't Judge':
Acceptance and surrender
Acceptance and surrender are key elements to your healing journey and form the whole basis of the spiritual approach. You are a very great BEing. Start with reality. Reality is what unfolds in front of you because of all the forces that caused it to do that. Reality is what has already happened. No one can affect the past. Why? Because it already happened. Can you accept that? It just is. Eckhart Tolle calls it the 'isness of the present moment. So, what will you do about what has happened? You have only two choices. Accept or resist. Acceptance doesn't mean that you like it or dislike it or that it is good or bad. Acceptance starts with - can you accept that it happened? If you can't accept reality that causes a lot of trouble for you, including for all those around you. The human mind (the ego) can't differentiate between liking or not liking it from accepting it. Acceptance happens prior to like or dislike. Spirituality means that you can accept that it happened. Just because you can accept that it happened doesn't mean that you don't want to do something about it. But if you can't accept that it happened you will try to have made it not happen, which is impossible as it has already happened. This is when you become stuck in psychological denial, repression, suppression, resistance, or rationalisation. The fundamental basis of spirituality is that reality comes in and you accept it. That's what acceptance is.
Surrender is that if something comes up in you and there is resistance to it you let go of that. Surrender is non-resistance. You have to surrender the part of you, the ego, that cannot accept reality, So that you can accept reality. For my full article on ‘Acceptance and Surrender’ click here:
How to deal with toxic people
Do not become like them
The quote "The best revenge is not to become like them" is attributed to the great Roman Emperor, Stoic philosopher, and spiritual Master, Marcus Aurelius. It essentially means that the most powerful way to address injustices or wrongs is to rise above the behaviour of the toxic person or people who wronged you and who tried to destroy you, rather than mirroring their despicable actions. This idea is often associated with Stoicism, a philosophy that emphasises compassion, virtue, resilience, and self-control.
Aristotle, the brilliant Greek philosopher and polymath, whose writings covered a broad range of subjects spanning the natural sciences, philosophy, and psychology, wrote “What is evil neither can nor should be loved; for it is not one’s duty to be a lover of evil or to become like what is bad.”
If people had known better, they would have done better. The first to forgive is the strongest: Toxic people never forgive. Oprah Winfrey said that “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, but we cannot move forward if we're still holding onto the pain of that past and wishing it was something else. All of us who have been broken and scarred by trauma have the chance to turn those experiences into Post Traumatic Wisdom. Forgive yourself. Forgive them. Step out of your history and into the path of your future”. The poet Mark Nepo says that "Pain was necessary in order to know the Truth. But we don't have to keep the pain alive in order to keep the Truth alive. Stop clinging to what should or could have been and turned to what was and what could be. Because what I know for sure, is that everything that has happened to you, was also happening for you, and all that time, in all of those moments, you were building strength. What happened to you can be your power.” Turn your wounds into wisdom.
Ignore them and walk away from them
Remove toxic people from your life. Do not engage or interact with them. Ignore them as if they don’t exist. Respect your Self enough to walk away from anything that no longer grows you or attempts to disturb your peace. Maxime Lagacé wrote that "Letting go of toxic people is self-care"
P. S. Jagadeesh Kumar wrote that “The only way to win with a toxic person is not to play. Let the dead leaves drop. They will. Handling toxic people is not an art, they will be the victim of their own toxicity.”
Your life becomes a masterpiece when you learn to master peace, and the art of saying no to toxicity. Rise above toxic behaviour and let your light shine. Robin S. Sharma, the author of his bestseller 'The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari’, which is in my ‘Suggested Reading’ list, wrote “My encouragement: Delete the energy vampires from your life, clean out all complexity, build a team around you that frees you to fly, remove anything toxic, and cherish simplicity. Because that's where genius lives.”
Sherrie Campbell wrote “Leave toxic people where they belong - in your past.” Steve Maraboli wrote that "Some people are in their own fiery ‘Hell’. No matter how tempting it is to jump in there with them, don’t let them drag you into their incurably miserable existence. Rise above them and move on. It's rare for a toxic person to change their behaviour. More often, the only thing that varies is their target and the blame they place. Because some toxic people are difficult to identify, keep in mind that a victim mindset is sometimes a red flag. So, listen when someone talks about their life and circumstances. If the list of people they blame is long. it's probably only a matter of time before you're on that list.”
Become impervious to criticism from them
Usain Bolt advised us "Don't be distracted by criticism."
Masaba Gupta wrote “Know your worth and please don't invest in toxic people or relationships, because any bond that requires servicing is not worth your time.”
Some people will always hate you, and that’s totally fine. Often, haters hate you because they love you but can’t have you.
Many people will appreciate and admire you for being open, honest, and vulnerable about who you truly are. Authenticity is rare. Professor Brené Brown says that "Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we are." Do and say what's real, what's true, what's in line with your values, your preferences, and beliefs. The most impressive thing you can ever do is to live authentically as who you are.
Validate your Self. You don't need others to like, love, understand, accept you or validate you. The good news is: It doesn't matter.
Maxime Lagacé wrote that "The wisest person in the world is the one who is indifferent to praise and criticism."
Leave the ‘Drama Triangle’
Lao Tzu, the spiritual Master, is traditionally regarded as the founder of Taoism, a philosophical and spiritual tradition that emphasises living in harmony with the Tao, or the Way. He is best known as the author of the 'Tao Te Ching', a foundational text of Taoist philosophy. He said that if we “Give evil nothing to oppose and it will disappear by itself.”
Toxic people are persecutors and will do anything to manipulate you and everyone in their lives to meet their wants. They crave drama and conflict. The solution to this is to leave the prison where they want to act as your jailers, and become fully present to the beauty of life without them. For my full article on the ‘Drama Triangle’ click here:
Put down boundaries
Put down toxic people. I’m allergic to toxicity. My skin breaks out in boundaries.
Set stricter boundaries:. While it may make you uncomfortable in the short term, protect yourself by setting rules for the relationship and then sticking to them. Understand that the toxic person in your life won't be happy about the lines you've drawn, and will probably push back and try to make you feel guilty.
Work on your Self
The saying "If you want to change work on your Self; if you want to change others work on your Self" emphasises the importance of personal growth and self-awareness as a foundation for positive change, both in one's Self and in one's relationships with others.
The challenges that you face in your life were not sent by your toxic persecutors, they were actually sent to you by the part that loves you most, your Soul, in order to redirect your life to your true purpose and calling. For me that is Transformative Life Coaching and writing. These challenges are directly responsible for your evolution, growth, and transformation. Persecutors, while they continue to pretend that they are victims, are completely unable to grow. Morihei Ueshib wrote that "Life is growth. If we stop growing, technically and spiritually, we are as good as dead." For my article on ‘My Perspectives on How To Face, Survive, and Thrive Through Challenges in Life’ click here:
Learn from them
Negative people may be your greatest teachers as they show you how not to be. The greatest success is to not become like them. Forgive them and forget them. As the poet and philosopher Khalil Gibran wrote "I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am grateful to those teachers." The Dalai Lama wrote "This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; my philosophy is kindness." Jean-Jacques Rousseau, the writer and philosopher who helped bring about the Age of Enlightenment, wrote "What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?"
As Maya Angelou, the writer, scholar, and civil rights activist, wrote "Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean. You may write me down in history with your bitter, twisted lines. You may trod me in the very dirt, but still, like dust, I'll rise. Most people don't grow up. It's too damn difficult. What happens is most people get older. That's the truth of it. They honour their credit cards, they find parking spaces, they marry, they have the nerve to have children, but they don't grow up. Self-pity in its early stage is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable."
Dr Gabor Maté, the foremost authority, speaker, and writer on addiction and compassion, wrote “Depending on circumstances, I may choose to manifest the anger in some way or to let go of it. The key is that I have not suppressed the experience of it. When we flee our vulnerability, we lose our full capacity for feeling emotion. Resentment is soul suicide."
Shame can also rule our lives. Dr Gabor Maté wrote "Shame is the deepest of the 'negative emotions,' a feeling we will do almost anything to avoid. Unfortunately, our abiding fear of shame impairs our ability to see reality." Negative people live in an ugly world of illusion, subterfuge, fear, shame, lies, and hate. That is not what their Souls desire.
Stoicism nails it yet again
Remember, the only taste of success some people have is when they try to take a bite out of you." I must taste good: Bon appétit! You might find that you might give them indigestion. The author Devika Fernando wrote “You can only get hurt if you allow it.” She was echoing the great Greek philosopher Epictetus who wrote “Another person will not hurt you without your cooperation.” Marcus Aurelius, the Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher, wrote with great clarity “Choose not to be harmed - and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed - and you haven't been.” Eleanor Roosevelt said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." David Brinkley wrote that “A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.” You see, toxic people can’t hurt you, unless you fall back into your ego.
Guide them but remember that you are nor responsible for solving their issues
Aletheia Luna, the author of 'Awakened Empath: The Ultimate Guide to Emotional, Psychological and Spiritual Healing’ wrote that “Energy vampires prey on others because they are in pain, and their behaviour is a disguised cry for help. However, the important thing to remember is that you are not responsible for resolving their issues. While you can offer help to an energy vampire, it is ultimately their responsibility to sort our their struggles.”
Manage your responses
Ultimately, you can't change someone else, but you can change how you respond to their behaviour. Many times, a toxic person is trying to provoke you into a negative reaction. Don't give it to them. It may help to practice how you'll handle a certain situation ahead of time. Don't blame yourself for their behaviour or allow them to manipulate you.
Acceptance
Acceptance is the most powerful tool you have against a toxic person - acceptance of who they are, in other words, the reality of who they are. Acceptance means reality. They really don't want you to see who they are. If you did, you'd expose their truth, or rather their lies. They get to a place where they cannot tell the truth from their own lies.
Summary
For the next article in my series on psychospirituality click here:
I have walked your path. I have travelled your journey. There is no need to feel ashamed. I have so much compassion for you. I have survived pure evil. I see the highest in you. You are infinitely stronger than you believe you are. I am here to serve you. Let me be your guide.
Transformative Life Coaching (TLC), also known as psychospiritual coaching, uses positive psychology, philosophy, and spirituality, in order to enable you to heal fully. It's time to find your voice. Now you rise...
Namaste.
Olly
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