The Problem That You Think You Have is Not Your Real Problem. You Only Have One Problem. And There is a Very Simple Solution...
The journey from pain to peace is an inner one
Do you identify with any of these?: Feeling lost, unfulfilled, angry, anxious, low, empty, disconnected, exhausted, that life is an uphill struggle, emotionally painful or an endless series of conflicts? This first way of being is pretty much how everyone feels right now. Just pick up any tabloid newspaper (aka poison) or read the news about the Middle East. We see hatred everywhere masquerading as self-love. But it's an illusion. Hate and anger come from fear and separation, not love, which is the only reality. We feel paralysed and imprisoned by fear.
Would you like to feel serene, full of joy, love, peace, that life flows with ease, and fearless? The good yet radical news is that this second way of being is actually your natural state: It's your real Self (capital S in this article to distinguish it from the false self). It's how you were born. Babies don't need therapy. We are born with a mind that is at ease, overflowing with love, creativity and playfulness, the desire to connect with others, and we are really present in the moment. Your only problem is that you have forgotten who you are: Yet you know how to be this way. Some people are like sunshine in human form: They warm your soul and make you realise that all is well. They inject life into your blood. Everything manifests with ease in their lives. They are people who have found the solution to their real problem: They have found their real Self again. They feel truly alive. To do this we need to surrender: The word surrender comes from the French 'se rendre', which means to give one's self up. That is self with a small 's' - otherwise known as your ego.
Mustafa said in 'The Lion King' "Remember who you are." Only you can remember who you really are, your true Self, and only you can really be you.
Eckhart Tolle on Acceptance and Surrender
You chip away at your ego when you surrender, revealing the real you. When the brilliant divinely inspired artist Michelangelo, history's greatest sculptor, was asked how he sculpted his masterpiece the Statue of David he replied "It is easy, I saw the angel in the marble and carved it until I set him free. The sculpture is already complete within the marble block, before I start my work. It is already there. I just have to chisel away the superfluous material." This suggests divine providence or intuition as the true origin of creativity and that mastery can be effortless when we are in pursuit of Truth and the beauty within. This is a powerful template for our own transformation. As we chip away, heal and grow, by letting go of what we are not, we find that we are already whole and beautiful within. Our true Self is already complete, eternal and unchangeable: The task of our lifetime is to allow it to show forth. We must chip away at our judgments, ego, limiting beliefs, separation and fears to unveil this Self. And how beautiful it is in everyone. It is so tragic that we so rarely get to see it.
Michelangelo's Statue of David
William Blake famously wrote "If the doors of perception were cleansed everything would appear to man as it is, infinite." When we find our true Self we see through new eyes. Michelangelo wrote "Every beauty which is seen here by persons of perception resembles more than anything else that celestial source from which we all are come." This is why we drop into presence before works of divinely inspired art, as we do when we stand before a beautiful landscape.
Dr Wayne Dyer wrote that "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. A shift in our perception actually changes the world. Carl Rogers said "The curious paradox is that I accept myself just as I am, then I change." Your true Self surfaces and everything is as new. The ego fights the Universe in a vain attempt to control one's fears and emotional pain. That will never end well. In contrast, the true Self realises that by letting go of the rope in this perpetual tug-of-war with us at one end and the Universe at the other, we win with minimum effort as the opposition falls on its derrière. Carl Jung wrote to Bill Wilson, who founded the 12-step recovery movement based on his letter, that such changes require a journey within and "Can only happen when you walk on a path, which leads you to a higher understanding. You might be led to that goal by an act of Grace, or through a personal and honest contact with friends, or go through a highest reeducation of the mind beyond the confines of mere rationalism." He also stated that "Until you make the subconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."
Why do we not all feel this way? Free, full of love, joy, peace and creativity. As children we felt that we had to be a certain way to be approved of. This was the result of how we were parented and how society conditioned us. This fractured our self: Our true Self went to sleep and we put on a face that the world would see. Social media harnesses this fake self-image. We are even rewarded for these external signs of success, power and superficial beauty. We need to stop enshrining in gold what is temporary and cannot enrich our lives. We felt that if we didn't put on this 'show' that we would not be loved, that we would feel un worthy, and our deepest (often unconscious) fears would be realised: That we would be abandoned if we showed our real Selves and that we would die. This was a survival mechanism - a coping strategy that we actually needed. It was a life raft in the torrent of the river that is childhood. Not being allowed to be who you really are is psychological trauma. But we don't need those coping mechanisms any more, and they keep us disconnected from others. When we connect and express our emotions and fears with others, it actually deepens our connection and we find a peace from being loved for who we really are. We can put the life raft down now. There is nothing to fear.
The amazing news is that it's actually your choice, on a daily basis, of who you are being. As Marcus Aurelius wrote "You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength." Are you choosing to be your habitual fearful ego (the terrified 7-year old in you) or your real, natural Self? It's never the world that we perceive, circumstance or events that determine how you feel emotionally: It's who you are choosing to be that either brings peace or fear.
When we are in our false self we feel terrible, so we seek oblivion by whatever means: Craving validation and imitation love; Diving into our work; Chasing what others perceive as success; Alcohol or other numbing behaviours. The only positive thing about feeling this way is that it allows us to feel how blissful it feels when we are actually choosing to be our real Selves. That feeling that you might have experienced when faced with a beautiful panorama in nature. What is that?
Another way of seeing this is that our real Selves are like a cinema screen, and our false selves are the images that are projected onto the screen - changeable and often unpleasant. But we can't help watching. Our real Self lives in an unchangeable state: Always full of peace, love and joy - the screen behind the images, like the blue sky or the stars behind the clouds. This is pure consciousness, simply being, like an observer watching a torrent from a bridge full of debris (thoughts and feelings). Would you throw your Self in to the water? Of course not. You are the observer. Any negative events that happen are the Universe's way of stripping back your frightened ego, deepening you into presence, resulting in you coming home to your true Self. Finding the David within you. This is what recovery means from a mental health point of view: You recover your true Self: Who you were born to be: This is The Hero's Journey as described by Joseph Campbell. Personal growth is entirely a process of removing the ego and its loud brash voice that makes you make wrong decisions in your relationships and work. This is the single most important thing to work on, and it's your only real problem. Everything else in your life comes from this.
This is why you avoid life: Because it's just too scary and painful. Fear is an invisible self -destructive force which emprisons us, but it is constructed by our own minds. We are taught to fear. How long will you wait before you showcase your true gifts? We can use fear as the very foundation of our self discovery. Carl Jung said "Find out what a person fears most and that is where he will develop next." Eckhart Tolle said that challenges are simply ways of deepening our presence. The answer is to harmonise the mind and drop out of the thoughts based on your limiting beliefs which come from the fear of not feeling loved, worthy or a mortal fear of being abandoned. At any moment you have the possibility of being ok: Your natural feeling of being your true Self. You are already it. You don’t need to chase it. It’s always there, regardless of external circumstances. Just notice. Watch your Self without judgment. Then you are no longer immersed in the feelings associated with being your false Self - you immediately feel better. You let go. You surrender. It all comes from you. It changes as soon as you notice that you are being fearful. Just notice. There is nothing to do. As soon as you notice it you return to natural state. How you feel is nothing to do with outside events. Hence the paradox of why you can go to bed at peace and wake up feeling anxious. The world hasn't changed. You simply forgot who you truly are. You have choice in what ways of being you give life to. You are not a victim of the circumstance. You can find this natural state right now. You don’t have to wait, because it never left. You have to put action or energy into your thoughts. It’s just about noticing the two ways of being and choosing your natural state over fear. Then action comes from this intuitive place. The thing that you are avoiding chases after you. The road you avoid gets its life from avoidance. What you resist persists. When you face things fearlessly you realise that you actually have nothing to fear. The biggest realisations come from what you are avoiding the most. The only thing you are avoiding are your own thoughts. There is no lion.
Your natural state is the seat of your soul. Just stop leaving it. Don't get up from your seat and join the fight and chaos outside. Be an observer, not a suspect in the mêlée. Just rest in awareness. There is nothing to face or fear. You can’t know that until you do it. It does take daily practice. The natural state then becomes normal. It takes very little action and effort. When you are being your authentic Self you literally feel your Self coming alive. It's the peace that passes all understanding. It's also the basis for success in any aspect of your life. Perceiving the world through a lens of love rather than fear literally creates miracles. Carl Jung the psychiatrist who founded analytical psychology said "I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become." You close the door to your trauma, triggers, fear and conflict and walk through the door to return to your natural state. I know because I have walked this path. When you do this you have come home. Revelations 3:8 states “I know your works and what you are doing. See! I have set before you a door wide open which no one is able to shut." You see, that through Grace, the door to your Self was never closed, and no-one can close it. Being real is one of the greatest services you can give to the world. Once you are being the real you, the doing will follow naturally, like an acorn grows from an oak. This process may be called by many names but they are all the same thing: Recovery; Personal Growth; Awakening; Enlightenment, Presence, Awareness.
We are all drowning. As the Archbishop of Canterbury said to John Cleese recently "We are all a mess." Everything is a mess. But as Jesus said "Thou shall not be overcome. All shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." Marianne Williamson (the presidential candidate who overcame mental illness and addiction) adds that in fact "All will be miraculous".
What is the easiest way to do this, apart from just noting that you have chosen fear today? It may not come naturally to you yet. Your ego (your terrified 7-year old self) may need coaxing out of you, especially if it has run rampant for decades, and is starting to realise that you are taking charge of your life and that it will dissolve or become your servant rather than your master. There are many techniques to achieve this. You don't need to travel to the Far East. To quote Barbie from the recent hit film “I just need to clear my mind so I can think.” By dropping out of thought and into your heart, you will hear the still quiet voice of your true self. To show how much this is the real work we have to do in 2023, to quote Barbie again “Maybe all the things that you thought made you you aren’t really you... We were only fighting because we didn’t know who we really were.”
Buddhists call the wandering thoughts of the ego the ‘monkey mind’. The way out of this is through presence. Meditation is the key to unlock this. This can be guided, or is best done in silence. Ideally this is done for 20 minutes, twice per day. It will change your life. Sit or lie down. Close your eyes if it is safe to do so. Stopping thinking automatically is impossible for anyone to do to start with. Give your mind something to do. Turn your attention inwards. Count your breaths or say silently to your self "I am breathing in, I breathing out." If your mind fills with thoughts, just return your attention back to your breath. You can use your five senses. Feel the aliveness in your hands - a tingling alert stillness. It gets easier with practice. Wandering and coming back to your breath are part of the process. This is the way to be present and to let go. Feel the air on your face. Be aware of this for a while. Then feel the weight of your body. Now feel the touch of of your hands on the bed or on your lap. Listen in the distance beyond sounds in your immediate vicinity. Let go of any judgments about the sounds. Just note them. If your attention wanders keep bringing it back to the breath. These exercises have been done for thousands of years in the Far East. The gaps between thoughts are pure consciousness: The screen, not the images in a cinema. We forget the screen until we switch off the projector, and it is there, unchanged. We are not our thoughts. Yet our feelings follow our thoughts. We identify with our thoughts. This leads to all our relationship or work problems. You are the observer not the thought or feeling. The best way to deal with a feeling is to feel it then let it go. This can be best done through connection with others and open expression. We don’t do this as we are scared of being judged, abandoned and that we will die. But in reality we are loved for our authenticity. No-one loves our false self, which is why people are abandoning social media as it has just become a hunting ground for trolls. Being present stops you from making decisions that you will regret. You stop being a victim. Stressful thoughts will die down. You will start to hear your inner intuition: The still inner voice of your true self. Carl Jung wrote "Intuition is perception via the unconscious that brings forth ideas, images, new possibilities and ways out of blocked situations." It also helps us let go of fear - your true Self is fearless. You will stop reacting to other peoples' moods and eagerness for conflict due to their pain projected onto you. When we change, people around us also change. We step out of the Drama Triangle into presence.
Understanding the Karpman Drama Triangle versus Presence
This meditative state prepares us for anything. It brings us into the Flow State (aka In-The-Zone State) and is practiced by elite athletes. They let go of any outcomes. In the Wimbledon final the winner is the one who plays every point from a place of total presence. Be present before any presentation: You will connect better with the audience. Be present before any interview or stressful situation. This is how Robert De Niro got through the game of Russian Roulette in The Deer Hunter. Fear is as pointless as a chocolate teapot. Fear is like a rocking chair - it keeps us busy but gets us nowhere. Presence always creates miracles. Malcom Gladwell wrote a book called "Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking." This is also called intuition - and gives access to a far greater intelligence than we have otherwise access to. The source of this is a subject for endless philosophical debate, yet intuition is real, just like consciousness, real love, or the soul.
Meditation twice per day will spill over into your whole life. Practice this during the day too - when walking or doing routine tasks. Return your attention back to the present moment using your breath or your senses: This is also called mindfulness, which is actually a misnomer as it involves emptying your mind of irrelevant intrusive thoughts so that you can have total clarity. Transcendental Meditation uses a mantra. When you become present you feel like you are falling into a deep pool or the sea. The thoughts and mantra stop completely. You feel bliss. You feel oneness and a deeper connection with others afterwards. Ideas and solutions then pour into your mind.
During the day, between meditations, just keep saying to your self "I AM". While you are walking or sitting just keep thinking this thought. Just return to this thought. It’s your mantra for life. This exercise in itself can reach enlightenment. You become continuous pure consciousness. You simply are. "I am what I am," as Popeye used to say in the comics. This is the most radical change in your life. It’s the only solution to lasting peace and joy. This will help you to be present and allow life to unfold naturally including all the things you want to happen to happen. You are getting out of your own way. Let go of any identification apart from I AM. That’s it. It’s very powerful if you persist. It's very simple. The torrent of intrusive thoughts die away (what a joy to say goodbye to the 60,000 repetitive, usually negative thoughts that we have until we find our true Self). You can’t be present and worry about the future at the same time. Let go of the future. Let go of stories and false narratives based on fear. Then take action based on intuition from a place of presence. Where is freedom? Right here in this breath, in the absence of compulsive thinking.
Marianne Williamson said “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Marianne Williamson on fear
The ego is all about seeking and not finding. The ego is insatiable. It’s a 'hungry ghost'. You are not broken. The world is broken. Feeling broken is simply the human reaction to a broken world. And the best news is that how you feel and who you are is actually up to you and is available in every moment. The Jewish proverb says "Do not make yourself so big, you are not so small." Isn't it time you stopped being "King Baby?"
So your problem is not your real problem. You have only one problem. You are not who you thought you were. You are much more powerful than the old programming that has been dictating how you behave and how you view yourself. Your capability is limitless but is limited by your fears and limiting beliefs, coming in as intrusive thoughts. The ego is who you think you are. Your soul is really who you are. Once you replace your limiting beliefs with your desires you become limitless in your capability.
Ram Dass and East Forest "We Are Truth"
Yung Pueblo says "You know you have matured deeply when you encounter someone's rough emotions and instead of letting their volatility consume you, you mentally affirm within yourself 'I am not going to join them in their turbulence.'" Don't jump into the river of chaos. Don't believe the movie is real. Fear is merely the absence of love. Fear and the present moment can't coexist: Which do you choose? Who do you choose to run your life? A terrified 7-year old or your true Self? It's your choice. As Carl Jung said "The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are."
‘Allow’ by Danna Faulds:
There is no controlling life. Try corralling a lightning bolt, containing a tornado. Dam a stream and it will create a new channel. Resist, and the tide will sweep you off your feet. Allow, and grace will carry you to higher ground. The only safety lies in letting it all in – the wild and the weak; fear, fantasies, failures and success. When loss rips off the doors of the heart, or sadness veils your vision with despair, practice becomes simply bearing the truth. In the choice to let go of your known way of being, the whole world is revealed to your new eyes.
Signposting to the literature
Sending you love, light, and blessings.
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Olly Alexander Branford MD, MBBS, MA(Cantab), PhD
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I am very pleased to meet you. Thank you for reading this far. I very much look forward to connecting with the highest version of you, to seeing your highest possibility, and to our conversations. Please do contact me via my website for a free connection call and a free experience of coaching. I am here to serve you.
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I have a Bachelor's degree in Natural Sciences from Trinity College, Cambridge; a Master's Degree in Philosophy from Trinity College, Cambridge; a PhD Doctorate in Scientific Research from University College London (UCL); a Medical Degree (MD/MBBS) from The Royal Free Hospital School of Medicine, London and have been a doctor and reconstructive trauma and cancer surgeon in London for 20 years. I have published over 50 peer reviewed scientific journal articles, have been an associate editor and frequent scientific faculty member, and am the author of several scientific books. I have been awarded my Diploma in Transformative Life Coaching in London, which has International Coaching Federation (ICF) Accreditation, as well as the UK Association for Coaching (AC), and the European Mentoring and Coaching Council (EMCC). I have been on my own transformative journey full time for four years and I am ready to be your guide to you finding out who you really are and how the world works.