I am convinced of the truth of this title. Let me explain...
As parents (often with good but misplaced intentions) and as a society we condition our children to believe that if they will only be a certain way, achieve or acquire certain things, that they will be accepted, loved and therefore happy.
The United Nations Declaration states "Humankind owes to the child the best it has to give."
Traumatised children grow up to chase happiness outside of themselves: They lose their integrity and authenticity. They spend their lives hustling and striving but die unhappy either because they never get what they want, or because they get what they want but then they realise that it doesn't make them happy. As Jim Carey wrote "I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer." I know of billionaires who are suicidal, actors who are miserable, and the list goes on. The only things that really matter in life are connection, love, peace and joy. We find all of these when we feel real love.
So, what is real love? Greg Baer (surgeon, recovering addict and author) says in his book 'Real Love' that "Without real love nothing else is enough. With real love nothing else matters." I have found this to be very deeply true and full of wisdom that applies to every area of our lives: We believe that a job, a car or another person can make us truly happy. It's what consumerist society is founded upon. It's the basis of all addictions and much mental illness. We are anxious because we think that either we won't get what we want or that we will lose something that we possess. Real love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves (it's unconditional). It’s also real love when other people care about our happiness unconditionally. It is not real love when other people like us for doing what they want us to do or want us to be. This is true when it comes to our parents and all our relationships. So, real love is unconditional love. To be truly full of lasting joy we must find real love for our selves: This involves shedding our self-hatred, not judging ourselves and accepting our true selves.
Real love is unconditional self love and is the basis of peace and joy
What is imitation love? Imitation love does not bring real or lasting peace or joy. It is what most of us mistake for real love. It is why most of us are unhappy, as we spend our lives chasing it rather than experiencing real love. How often do you see people smiling on the underground? Imitation love can take the form of power, money, success or anything outside of ourselves that we think will bring us love and joy such as other people, circumstances or things. Nothing outside of ourselves can bring us joy. We mistake many relationships for real love, but they are not, unless they are unconditional.
We can give ourselves the experience of unconditional love. If we are able to do this we find a deep peace. But this is very difficult to do when we have never received real love. Others can remind us that love is our nature by giving us real love. By allowing them to love us unconditionally, what we are actually doing is giving the gift of unconditional love to ourselves. It is the experience resulting from receiving, through ourselves or others, the feeling of being unconditionally loved. Many of us are consumed with self-hatred, making real love and joy impossible.
As a cosmetic surgeon I struggled to understand why someone with a good result could not always be happy. This is because cosmetic surgery is a form of imitation love: It’s trying to fix your self using something outside of you. This explains why there is a proven higher suicide rate in breast augmentation patients: Patients have an operation to make themselves happy by looking better (in an attempt to feel real love). But at best it can only give temporary relief from the pain of not feeling loved. This can result in patients not being happy after cosmetic surgery despite good outcomes, or an addiction to cosmetic surgery as with Michael Jackson, with patients wanting multiple procedures, as they repeatedly chase that elusive temporary relief from emotional pain. I am not saying that no-one should have cosmetic surgery, but simply that it is important to realise that cosmetic surgery cannot give lasting happiness of itself.
The concepts above also explain all addictions including sex and love addiction, a common behavioural addiction, where those affected incessantly chase imitation love from others, but it is never enough. The basis of emotional insobriety in addiction, described as "The last Frontier" in overcoming addiction by Bill Wilson, the founder of the 12-step movement, is a lack of self love. People affected by sex and love addiction may make other people the object of their desires - known as a 'qualifier', whom they believe that they can't be happy or live without: But that never brings them real love, which they are incapable of receiving in any case.
Lasting joy can only be found within: Once you look inside and unconditionally love your true self, you no longer need to chase or change anything or anyone outside of you. Therein lies peace, joy and love.
Sending you love, light, and blessings.
Please let me know if you would like to join my 'VOICE for men' group: 'Vulnerability & Openness Is a Choice Ensemble', where men can find their strength, courage, and authenticity, by dropping their egocentric fears and instead communicate openly with vulnerability. It will change your life. It will empower you. This community is a safe space for men to connect and discuss philosophy, spirituality, positive psychology, and timeless truths, to share our experience, strength and hope, and to find solutions to our pain and fears.
Olly Alexander Branford MD, MBBS, MA(Cantab), PhD
My gift is to be your guide. Let me know if you would like to continue this conversation...
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“Transformative life coaching uniquely creates and holds the space for you to see your self afresh, with clarity, and step into new ways of BEing, which will transform how you perceive and intuitively create your world. My work is to guide you to raise your own conscious awareness to the level that you want to achieve.” Olly Alexander Branford
My coaching themes and services - I work 1:1 and in groups with men who are looking for: Transformative Life Coaching, Transformational Coaching, Life Coaching, Personal Coaching, Positive Psychology Coaching, Recovery Coaching, Trauma Informed Coaching, Work Addiction Coaching, Workaholism Coaching, Addiction Coaching, Mindfulness Coaching.
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Hello,
I am very pleased to meet you. Thank you for reading this far. I very much look forward to connecting with the highest version of you, to seeing your highest possibility, and to our conversations. Please do contact me via my website for a free connection call and a free experience of coaching. I am here to serve you.
See you soon,
Olly Alexander Branford MD, MBBS, MA(Cantab), PhD
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I have a Bachelor's degree in Natural Sciences from Trinity College, Cambridge; a Master's Degree in Philosophy from Trinity College, Cambridge; a PhD Doctorate in Scientific Research from University College London (UCL); a Medical Degree (MD/MBBS) from The Royal Free Hospital School of Medicine, London and have been a doctor and reconstructive trauma and cancer surgeon in London for 20 years. I have published over 50 peer reviewed scientific journal articles, have been an associate editor and frequent scientific faculty member, and am the author of several scientific books. I have been awarded my Diploma in Transformative Life Coaching in London, which has International Coaching Federation (ICF) Accreditation, as well as the UK Association for Coaching (AC), and the European Mentoring and Coaching Council (EMCC). I have been on my own transformative journey full time for four years and I am ready to be your guide to you finding out who you really are and how the world works.