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It's a You Issue

Updated: Jan 29

It's a 'you issue', not a 'me issue'. Have you ever noticed that those that want a fight with you, in interpersonal relationships or at work, because they claim to hate you, are actually pursuing you, either because they love you and want you (but can't have you) or want to be you (but they cannot be you), or because they hate themselves? No-one wins in the blame game - especially those who blame. It's never about you, it's always about them.


Those beings who respond to life with hatred are 'grievances looking for a cause'. They either don't know that the problem lies with them, or they are not prepared to face themselves, out of self-hatred.


We are all victims of victims of victims. Victimhood is the malaise of humanity and being alive in 2024. Be a victor not a victim. It's time to relinquish identifying with your victim re-actor and to start identifying with your true Self. The world at present is one where traumatised people traumatise other traumatised people. Everyone is traumatised. The only solution is to step out of our victim mentality, work on ourselves, and then serve others in guiding them to doing the same.


As adults we all have agency, accountability for our actions, and responsibility not to hurt others. The Buddha said “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Is that really what you want? Suicide through hatred?


It's a 'you issue', not a 'me issue'. Do you not see that when you point a finger at someone, three fingers point back at you?


When a person has a problem with you, it’s never you, it’s always them: It is always due to one of the following:


  • A lack of inner work on themselves

  • Rather than keeping their side of the street clean they would rather come across the road to your side and point out the garbage that we all have as human beings

  • Denial or projection: People are using projection as a way of not looking inwards at themselves. For example if you have feelings of infidelity you project them on others. If you have feelings of shame you project them on others: Etc. etc. It’s a way of saying "I’m okay but you are not" and when really the first step should be "I’m not okay and I need help". There is no reason to label anyone as not okay. Everyone has the condition until they look at their shadow. Blame disguises your feeling that you are at fault and should be ashamed of your self. Blame disguises your feeling that you are a weak child that needs taking care of when that’s a universal condition. We are all victims of victims. The clue to projection is negativity. If someone is being negative, they are projecting on you instead of looking inwards. We have a collective responsibility to look within instead of blaming and shaming. Everyone has this blaming condition until they look inside. Thats why it's called a 'Blame culture'. Click on this button to read my article on this:



  • ‘Encouraged conflict’ - when people seek help but instead find someone, an organisation, or an institution that has itself not done inner work and their own survival depends on them encouraging conflict: For example the tabloid press (who's editor's own families are riddled with skeletons and malfaisance - and I know that as a fact but have so far kept quiet) sells their soul to sell copy, instead of taking responsibility for their actions; and lawyers who want to make a quick buck rather than to do the right thing - how can you live with your Self?)

  • They are in love with you but they want to hate you as they cannot force you into loving them

  • They are falsely assuming the role of victim, when they are in fact persecutors who have ganged together with other persecutors. For my article on the Drama Triangle click on the link below:



  • A mistaken feeling that getting revenge on the other person that has been 'hurting' them will help them: They won’t hurt you but they will hurt themselves. They can only help you grow by sending you ‘challenges’

  • A mistaken belief that hate ever solved anything

  • A mistaken belief that getting some kind of payment will bring them peace and joy


The only thing that brings peace and joy is inner work. But our society totally fails to understand this. If it did, all of these organisations and institutions would crumble. As people wake up to these Truths, fundamental change will happen. You will see...


Pointing the finger at others

Although this may appear tempting, it will never bring you what you want. In the Bible in Matthew 7, Jesus says “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, `Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." "Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.”


Oscar Wilde said that "The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future."


According to the Gospel of John (8:7-11), the Pharisees, in an attempt to discredit Jesus, brought a woman charged with adultery before him. Then they reminded Jesus that adultery was punishable by stoning under Mosaic law and challenged him to judge the woman so that they might then accuse him of disobeying the law. Jesus thought for a moment and then replied, “He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her.” The people crowded around him were so touched by their own consciences that they departed. When Jesus found himself alone with the woman, he asked her who were her accusers. She replied, “No man, lord.” Jesus then said, “Neither do I condemn thee: Go and sin no more.”


As Jesus said in 'The Passion of Christ' "Those who live by the sword shall die by the sword." Bertrand Russell said "Whenever one finds oneself inclined to bitterness, it is a sign of emotional failure." Be an actor not a re-actor.


All conflict is the result of egoic reaction: One toxic ego trying to get a rise out of another person's ego. Epictetus wrote "Difficulties are things that show a person what they are... It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." Plato said that "Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something... Opinion is the medium between knowledge and ignorance."


Epictetus, the Greek Stoic philosopher, said "Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them." The way out of drama is to be equanimous, lean away, to respond in good time, with action if necessary, and never to react. He wrote "First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak." One can choose to respond from a place of peace, from our Higher Self, our soul, not our ego (the ego is the unconscious inner child and the harsh inner critic), and the options include not responding at all.


As Epictetus reminded us in 'The Art of Living: The Classical Manual on Virtue, Happiness and Effectiveness' “Remember, it is not enough to be hit or insulted to be harmed, you must believe that you are being harmed. If someone succeeds in provoking you, realise that your mind is complicit in the provocation. Which is why it is essential that we not respond impulsively to impressions; take a moment before reacting (if you react at all), and you will find it easier to maintain control... I laugh at those who think they can damage me. They do not know who I am, they do not know what I think, they cannot even touch the things which are really mine and with which I live.” If you don't even know who you are, how can you begin to know who others truly are?


Epictetus said that "Only the educated are free.” He continued "To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete."


 Carl Jung the famous psychologist, psychiatrist, philosopher and spiritual Master, said "If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of your Self. What isn't part of our Selves doesn't disturb us."


The Karpman Drama Triangle

Toxic people are lost souls who are trying to prey on your wounded inner child. The first thing is to lean away, then respond in your own time, if at all, and not react. Take time to breathe. Meditate. Become totally present in the moment. Presence takes you out of the Karpman Drama Triangle.



The Karpman Drama Triangle Destroys Relationships (Transactional Analysis) by Psychotherapist Teresa Lewis


Choose to be your Higher Self. This is easier when it dawns on you that what someone is accusing you of is something that they have buried in their shadow, which is currently descending into Hell and taking control of them. They are possessed with self-hatred and hatred of everyone else. Have compassion for them. "Forgive them, because they know not what they are doing" as Jesus said (Luke 23:34). Holding resentment is like drinking a bottle of poison meant for another. You cannot help anyone who doesn't want to change, and it is not your responsibility to people-please them, fix them (no-one can fix another), wake them up, or save them. Be open and honest as their narrative is false and created to hide their decent into Hell. Your story is not a story, it is Truth. They, however, live in a self-obsessed fable.


Toxic people literally make themselves ill. Dr Gabor Maté explains "What we want and demand from the world needs to conform to our present needs, not to unconscious, unsatisfied needs from childhood. If distinctions between past and present blur, we will perceive loss or the threat of loss where none exists; and the awareness of those genuine needs that do require satisfaction, rather than their repression for the sake of gaining the acceptance or approval of others. Stress occurs in the absence of these criteria, and it leads to the disruption of homeostasis. Chronic disruption results in ill health." Resentment is soul suicide and leads to mental illness. When people cannot see that they are grievances looking a cause, they are truly destined for Hell. Dr Gabor Maté continues "Strong convictions do not necessarily signal a powerful sense of Self: Very often quite the opposite. Intensely held beliefs may be no more than a person’s unconscious effort to build a sense of Self to fill what, underneath, is experienced as a vacuum." That is the fearful, hateful ego.


The Truth

We all need to stop being the cause of war. It is our violence, hidden and denied as our shadow that leads to drama, conflict and war. The violence of the world is on each of us. J. Krishnamurti wrote “Inside you is the cause of every war. It is your violence, hidden and denied, that leads to wars of every kind, whether it is war inside your home, against others in society, or between nations.” We are sharing in a shared egoic self and contributing to the collective unconscious. Denial is powerful. The shadow is secretive. You are only as sick as your own secrets.


You have agency over your life. The key is to surrender to presence. Your previous strategies didn't work. You were living out of fear and hatred and your actions kept you small and you tried to make others small. Others are nothing to do with you. You need to take responsibility for your life. Create something meaningful. You are worthy of a good life. You need to look inwards and find your Higher Self. Only you can free your Self. This is the way, the Truth, and the life of BEing a light for the world. Be the best you that you can be. There is no need for an actor to play your role.


Don't write false narratives in your head based on what you think that other people may think or say, or about who will hear the false narrative. You really don't know what other people will think. And those people who matter are those that love you and really don't care about stories. No-one else matters.


Mahatma Gandhi wrote "You must not lose Faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty." Thank God for the ocean... Gandhi said “I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet”... and neither should you!


The best way to conclude this article is to quote:


William Shakespeare, the Bard, who wrote in Macbeth:


"Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,

To the last syllable of recorded time;

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools

The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!


Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,

And then is heard no more. It is a tale

Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing."


Epictetus has the final word “Attach yourself to what is spiritually superior, regardless of what other people think or do. Hold to your true aspirations no matter what is going on around you.”


Namaste.


Sending you love, light, and blessings brothers.


Olly



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Hello,

I am delighted and enchanted to meet you. I coach men with 'Deep Coaching', 'Supercoaching', and Transformative Life Coaching (TLC). Thank you for reading this far. I very much look forward to connecting with the highest version of you, to seeing your highest possibility, and to our conversations. Please do contact me via my email for a free connection call and a free experience of coaching on Zoom or in person. 


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