Non-attachment is the secret to joy and is one of the three fundamental pillars of teaching and finding peace, and is the basis of the path to escaping individual emotional suffering. The concept fits well with modern psychology, philosophy, spirituality, and the common (non-man-made) elements of religious traditions and experience, which are essentially all disciplines that describe metaphors for the human psyche. The Buddha said that “The root of suffering is attachment.” What is attachment? How does it relate to joy? What is non-attachment? What are the Four Noble Truths? You need to know the intellectual answers to these questions in order to access the wellbeing emotions of peace, love, joy, and bliss. What does it mean to practice non-attachment? Rather than thinking of non-attachment as not attaching to things, think of it as not allowing things to own you. What things own you? Those are the things you’re attached to. What happens if you are attached to the outcomes of your actions? Can we fix the mess that the world is in? Let me explain, with (quite) a few parables and stories along the way, and some timeless Truths from Chinese wisdom, Zen, Buddhism, Hinduism, and some wise words from the great philosopher Jesus, as well as many others…
The Buddha said that "The root of suffering is attachment.
You may find peace by (Remember the acronym JAR)…
Non-Judgement: Letting go of resentment and judgement, especially of yourself, and having Self-compassion. By extension it also means not judging, and having compassion for, others. Forgiveness transmutes fear to peace. Self-compassion is a construct rooted in Buddhist philosophy and psychology, and research indicates that taking a more self-compassionate, balanced stance toward the self can be beneficial for mental health (Neff, 2003).
Non-Attachment: Letting go of thoughts and emotions that create suffering. It also means surrendering control of people, events, places and things, which is also called emotional sobriety (it is key to recovering from addiction). It means looking at your Self (this is not selfishness; rather it's essential to wellbeing) rather than focussing on others and on things outside of your Self that are out of your control anyway. It means surrendering to a Universal Intelligence and surrendering to unconditional love (sometimes also referred to as 'God'). This gives you a heightened cosmic perspective on, and clarity about, how the world really works. So, non-attachment is therefore the subjective quality of not being stuck or fixated on ideas, beliefs, thoughts, images, feelings, sensory objects, or achievements, and not feeling an internal pressure to acquire, hold, avoid, or change anyone or anything. George Orwell said that "The main objective of 'non-attachment' is a desire to escape from the pain of living, and above all from (imitation) love, which, sexual or non-sexual, is hard work." Non-attachment directly captures an individual's relationship with their life experience and highlights a capacity to suspend attempts to control experience through clinging to experiences perceived as desirable or avoiding experiences perceived as undesirable. Non-attachment to Self is conceptualised as the extent to which individuals can interact with their Self-related concepts, thoughts and feelings without fixation, and without a need for the Self to be different than it is. Theoretically, it is attachment to the self that creates egoic functioning: Our egocentric fears are the basis of much psychological dysfunction and failed interpersonal relationships. The Buddhist path involves a drive toward letting go of this attachment to the static self and thus a transcendence of personal suffering. In addition to Buddhist conceptualisations, the notion of being non-attached toward the self also appears to be a key theme in the optimal stages of psychological health (Ardelt, 2008). Moving beyond self-fixation and the concerns of the individual self is a core component of a range of theories of optimal psychological functioning. Rogers (1961) and Maslow (1954) both proposed that individuals operating at the higher stages of psychological development demonstrate a reduced fixation on the self and a propensity to move beyond self-interest toward a more other- and universal-focus. Similarly, theories of adult development such as Levenson et al.'s (2001) liberative model of adult development or Loevinger's (1976) stages of ego development propose the higher stages of adult development involve a reduction of attachment toward the ego and a transcendence of self-focus and self-fixation. Taking a more flexible, non-attached stance toward self-related thoughts, feelings and concepts can be beneficial for individuals' well-being and psychological functioning. Get well so that you can serve others.
Non-Resistance: Non-resistance is acceptance of what is, which brings space and the transcendance of conditioning: It means acceptance of the 'isness' of the present moment.
"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need" (Tao Te Ching).
Bernadette Devlin wrote that "To gain that which is worth having it may be necessary to lose everything else."By losing your attachments you gain the world. Attached to nothing, you are connected to everything.
What is attachment?
The Buddha said that "Suffering does not befall him who is without attachment to names and forms." Attachment may be defined as “Our drive to connect with a caring other, and to feel 'seen'” (see my glossary of transformative terms). This is also called unconditional love. Tragically, few of us rarely experience unconditional love, so we either seek attachment as a substitute in people who can’t give us real love, or we seek it in events, places, or things. These could all be called 'imitation love.' If you are miserable and go to Hawaii, you will be miserable in Hawaii. No amount of money, success, sex, cosmetic treatments, or accolades with ever satiate you for more than a few very brief moments. This has been proven again and again in rigorous studies. Years of striving will only give you seconds or minutes of exhilaration, if at all...
The Fisherman's Parable
One day a fisherman was sitting by his boat while playing with his child on a beautiful beach; his fishing pole resting against the boat. A wealthy businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. Curious and horrified at the sight of the fisherman wasting the day, the businessman asked, "Why aren't you out fishing?"
The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "Because I already caught enough fish for one day."
The businessman followed, "Why don't you catch some more?" "What would I do with them?" replied the fisherman. "You could earn extra money," said the businessman, "Then with the extra money, you could buy a bigger boat, go into deeper waters, and catch more fish. Then you would make enough money to buy nylon nets. With the nets, you could catch even more fish and make more money. With that money you could own two boats, maybe three boats. Eventually you could have a whole fleet of boats and be rich like me."
"Then what would I do?" asked the fisherman. "Then," said the businessman, "you could really enjoy life." The fisherman looked at the businessman quizzically and asked, "What do you think I am doing now?"
In the 'Tao Te Ching', written by Lao Tzu, it states that "When you realise there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you."
Attachment is the basis of our conditioned addiction to ‘external validation.’ This gives us a massive, although very short-lived, dopamine rush that sets the scene for more seeking of the same 'imitation love.' We become insatiable 'hungry ghosts', as described in the brilliant book 'In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts' by Dr. Gabor Maté (a world authority on addiction), wandering in search of something that mimics real love or deadens the unbearable emotional pain of not finding it. Shui-ch’ing Tzu wrote “Be aware of the ephemeral nature of material things. Lose your attachment to them.” St. John of the Cross (who described 'The Dark Night of the Soul') wrote “If you purify your soul of attachment to and desire for things, you will understand them spiritually. If you deny your appetite for them, you will enjoy their Truth. Yvette Soler summarises this succinctly "Attachment comes from a perception of lack - all comes from fear." Fear is the language of the ego. We don't perceive this. Why? As Geoffrey Shugen Arnold wrote "Being attached is what prevents us from seeing, it is what clouds this miraculous awareness."
Simone Weil, the French philosopher, said that "Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached." Osho, the Indian philosopher, originally known as Rajneesh, wrote "All of our miseries are nothing but attachment. Our whole ignorance and darkness is a strange combination of a thousand and one attachments. And we are attached to things which will be taken away by the time of death, or even perhaps before. You may be very much attached to money but you can go bankrupt tomorrow. You may be very much attached to your power and position, your presidency, your prime ministership, but they are like soap bubbles. Today they are here, tomorrow not even a trace will be left." Osho rejected institutional religions, insisting that spiritual experience could not be organised into any one system of religious dogma. As a guru, he advocated meditation, an essential part of transformation and wellbeing. Rejecting traditional ascetic practices, he advocated that his followers live fully in the world but without attachment to it.
You are a prisoner to your attachments: We all are until we wake up. Dr. Jacinta Mpalyenkana wrote "All hurt is founded on attachment to anything regardless of its nature. When we detach we vibrationally send ourselves back into the flow of life."
We are also attached to our thoughts (the false beliefs that we have in our head) and feelings (that largely come from these erroneous thoughts). Eckhart Tolle wrote "When you are present, you can allow the mind to be as it is without getting entangled in it. The mind in itself is a wonderful tool. Dysfunction sets in when you seek your self in it and mistake it for who you are."
Teresa Giudice wrote "Demons frighten us because we set ourselves up to be frightened. We are overly attached to our reputations and possessions. When we love and desire what we should be rejecting, we are in conflict with our true Selves." Seung Sahn wrote about having a mind unattached to thought that "Clear mind is like the full moon in the sky. Sometimes clouds come and cover it, but the moon is always behind them. Clouds go away, then the moon shines brightly. So don't worry about clear mind: it is always there. When thinking comes, behind it is clear mind. When thinking goes, there is only clear mind. Thinking comes and goes, comes and goes, You must not be attached to the coming or the going." The same is true of the blue sky during the day. The sky is always blue - we just don't always see it.
St Clair, the first bishop of Nantes in the late third century and an envoy of Pope Linus, wrote "Attachment to beliefs and ideologies have led to global war, famine, political, social and economic upheavals, destruction of our habitat and general dysfunction on all levels of society because they divide us from each other."
Thich Nhat Hanh, the Vietnamese Buddhist monk, poet, teacher, and peace activist, wrote “Attachment to views is the greatest impediment to the spiritual path.” Debbie Ford, the American teacher and author, who advocated psychological and spiritual practices, wrote "Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong, good or bad." This avoids the shame spirals that we are so prone to. It also prevents us from being attached to outcomes.
This brings us to the 'Maybe' Taoist story:
A classic ancient story illustrates the importance of equanimity and emotional wellbeing beautifully. Once upon a time, there was a wise old farmer who had worked on the land for over 40 years. One morning, while walking to his stable, he noticed that his horse had run away. His neighbours came to visit and sympathetically said to the farmer, “Such bad luck”. “Maybe,” the farmer replied. The following morning, however, the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “Such good luck!” the neighbours exclaimed. “Maybe,” the farmer replied. The following afternoon, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses and was thrown off, causing him to break his leg. The neighbours came to visit and tried to show sympathy and said to the farmer, “How unfortunate”. “Maybe,” answered the farmer. The following morning military officials came to the farmer’s village to draft young men into the army to fight in a new war. Observing that the farmer’s son’s leg was broken, they did not draft him into the war. The neighbours congratulated him on his good luck and the farmer calmly replied, “Maybe”...
We need to unattach ourselves from earthly things and instead become one with our higher power. In the classic Hindu text the 'Bhagavad Gita' it is written that "He who knows me as his own divine Self breaks through the belief that he is the body and is not reborn as a separate creature. Such a one is united with me. Delivered from selfish attachment, fear, and anger, filled with me, surrendering themselves to me, purified in the fire of my being, many have reached the state of unity in me."
The Olympic athlete turned coach, Dan Millman, about whom the film the 'Peaceful Warrior' was created, wrote "If you don't get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don't want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can't hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is a law, and no amount of pretending will alter that reality... When you begin your transcendental training, focusing your best efforts, without attachment to outcomes, you will understand the peaceful warrior's way."
Lao Tzu wrote "Loving, hating, having expectations: All these are attachments. Attachment prevents the growth of one's true BEing. If you realise that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to." Unconditional love is not an attachment, but imitation love is.
Osho wrote "Misery is nothing but the shadow of attachment. And hence all stagnancy. The attached person becomes a stagnant pool - sooner or later he will stink. He flows no more."
Ram Dass, the Harvard Psychologist turned spiritual guru, wrote "A feeling of aversion or attachment toward something is your clue that there's (inner) work to be done."
A Zen Master put it pretty simply, he said “Everything breaks. Attachment is our unwillingness to face that reality.” Non-attachment really stems from misunderstanding of things being impermanent. When we attach to something we suffer, and others suffer, because we’re holding onto things that are past their time.
There is a parable of the raft, where the Buddha was with his monks and he asks if somebody were to build a raft and they are crossing the river with it. They finally make it to the other side. Is it wise or unwise to continue carrying that raft with them? I think this lesson really is talking about the understanding of non-attachment. Letting go of the raft, whatever the raft may be, once it has outlived it's function, is a lesson of letting go of things that are past their time. That is essentially the understanding of non-attachment.
The Buddha said that "You can only lose what you cling to."
What is non-attachment?
Non-attachment is recognising that everything that we are experiencing is impermanent. We must try to face the reality that everything ends. Every start has an ending.
There is a parable about the two monks who arrive at the edge of the river and there’s a young girl in a wedding gown. The senior monk picks her up without even thinking. They cross the river. He puts her down and then at some point on their journey, the young monk is just going nuts trying to figure out what he had just seen. He finally tells the senior monk “Hey, what are you doing? We’ve taken vows to not touch a female and you just picked her up like nothing and carried her across the river.” The senior monk pauses and just tells him “I put her down on the other side of the river. Why do you continue to carry her?”
When something has gone beyond its time, it’s past its time, we have a hard time letting go because we’re attached. Non-attachment is being able to do what you need to do in the moment, like the monk putting the girl on his back, and then when it was done it was done and he let her go.
The greatest Truth is that "This too shall pass". Or as Lao Tzu wrote in the Tao Te Ching “If you realise that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to."
The parable of the ring
There are many "stories" or folkloric tales about where the saying "This too shall pass" originated. It's best known as coming from King Solomon, who reigned in Israel from 970 to 931 BCE. He was a wise man, and was seeking knowledge on how to make a sad man joyful.
He requested from his minister, Benaiah, to bring him a ring with this magical power. Well, Benaiah searched and searched all over for this ring. Most likely the King knew he would never find it, but Benaiah didn't give up. He finally went into the slums of Jerusalem and found a craftsman who worked in metal. The craftsman turned to his grandfather with this odd request, who in turn went into his workshop and appeared with a ring. This gold ring he brought out to the minister to present to the king had this phrase engraved on the inside of the ring, "This Too Shall Pass." When presented to the King, he was dumbfounded. No one thought there could be such a thing that makes you stop in your path - reflect on the past, the present and the future and reminds you that the state you are in is not going to last forever.
Amit Ray wrote "If you want to fly on the sky, you need to leave the Earth. If you want to move forward, you need to let go the past that drags you down."
Non-attachment doesn’t mean we don’t own things. It means we don’t allow things to own us. We can live in this world, but not be of this world. As Pierre Teilhard de Chardin wrote "We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience."
Stephen Levine wrote "Detachment means letting go, and non-attachment means simply letting be." Meister Eckhart, the brilliant German philosopher and theologian, wrote "For the person who has learned to let go and let be, nothing can ever get in the way again."
Non-attachment means releasing thoughts and emotions that create suffering including thoughts of the past or future. This brings a sense of inner peace. Let go of attachment to thoughts and emotions that are not of your higher Self. You know when thoughts and emotions come from this higher place, as you will feel peace, love, joy, bliss, and serenity. Our thoughts are not our own. Yet we become so entangled with them. They are repetitive, negative, and persistent. Our emotions come from our thoughts. Sri Chinmoy wrote that “Non-attachment is the freedom of real love.”
Swami Vivekananda wrote “By non-attachment, you overcome and deny the power of anything to act upon you. It is very easy to say that nothing has the right to act upon you until you allow it to do so; but what is the true sign of the man who really does not allow anything to work upon him, who is neither happy nor unhappy when acted upon by the external world? The sign is that good or ill fortune causes no change in his mind: in all conditions he continues to remain the same.”
Sri Chinmoy wrote “Non-attachment is an illumining and liberating force. Attachment is a binding and blinding force. The attachment-teacher tells us that we need everything in God’s creation. Non-attachment-teacher tells us that there is nothing on Earth worth having.”
Don't be attached to outcomes
When I first set up my coaching business, I wanted to be a success, as we all do when we start on a venture, especially as an entrepreneur. I quickly realised that success should not be a goal: Success should only ever be a side effect of carrying our your purpose. Otherwise, you are coming from a place of lack, and you will attract and manifest lack, not abundance. My success is a side effect of being authentic (what you see is what you get), in service of you, and of only being concerned with your happiness without expectation of you from me (the basis of unconditional love). It is also the result of my goal being peace, not exhilaration.
Ramakrishna wrote "To work without attachment is to work without the expectation of reward or fear of any punishment in this world or the next. Work so done is a means to the end, and God is the end... Pray to God that your attachment to such transitory things as wealth, name, and creature comforts may become less and less every day."
Gary Zukav wrote"Compassion is loving others enough to say or do what is appropriate from an empowered heart without attachment to the outcome... Only choices made in love are compassionate. There are no exceptions. Do you have the courage to act with an empowered heart without attachment to the outcome? If not, you have no ability to give or experience compassion. That is the shocking truth."
Jim Carey said that “I wish everyone could get rich and famous and everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that's not the answer.” Lord Byron wrote “Fame is the thirst of youth… Folly loves the martyrdom of fame.” A million likes on social media will never be enough if you don't like your Self. I get it. Dale Carnegie said, "The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated." It’s universal.
Shunryu Suzuki wrote in 'Zen Mind' “Emotionally we have many problems, but these problems are not actual problems; they are something created; they are problems pointed out by our self-centred ideas or views.” In other words our ego is responsible for dysfunctional attachment beliefs and 'problems', not the outside world.
Alan W. Watts wrote in 'The Supreme Identity' “In the Chinese metaphysical tradition this is termed wu-hsin or 'idealness', signifying a state of consciousness in which one simply accepts experiences as they come without interfering with them on the one hand or identifying oneself with them on the other. Let them flow through you like water passes through sand. One does not judge them, form theories about them, try to control them, or attempt to change their nature in any way; one lets them be free to be just exactly what they are. "The perfect man", said Chuang-tzu, "Employs his mind as a mirror; it grasps nothing, it refuses nothing, it receives but does not keep.”
In the 'Bhagavad Gita' it is written that “You have the right to work, but never to the fruit of work. You should never engage in action for the sake of reward, nor should you long for inaction. Perform work in this world, Arjuna, as a man established within himself – without selfish attachments, and alike in success and defeat... Always perform your duty efficiently and without attachment to the results, because by doing work without attachment one attains the Supreme... Better indeed is knowledge than mechanical practice (of religious ritual). Better than knowledge is meditation. But better still is surrender of attachment to results (of one's actions), because there follows immediate peace.”
The philosophy of Jesus
Jesus was one of the greatest philosophers of all time, and he taught love and peace. In the Bible in John 14:27 Jesus said “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” What he meant by saying this is that you will not find peace in worldly affairs and 'rewards'– you find peace inside you. Jesus said that “The Kingdom of God is within you” (Luke 17:21). Jesus gave love, not things. He never owned a house, never had a bank account, and yet he was the most influential figure of all time. Will we be talking about Donald Trump or any city bankers in over two millennia?
Imagine that God hands you a gift, the greatest gift that you will ever receive: The gift of God’s peace. In Philippians 4:5-7 Jesus says “Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” People who found themselves on death row have even found this peace, and they don’t have anything left, even their life.
In return God asks that you give him your worries and concerns, whatever they might be. In 1 Peter 5:7 Jesus says, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” This is the unconditional love of God.
Fear and anxiety can be crippling and debilitating. I hear you. I have been where you are. Fear can keep you from fulfilling your purpose in life. No wonder that our societally conditioned lack-driven hustle culture does not produce joy or even success.
God has a purpose for you, and that includes abundance and for you to prosper. Leave that aspect to Him. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5). The verse instructs us to put all our trust in the Lord and not our own knowledge, strength and determination. The relief that you will experience really does transcend all understanding. Yet, when you understand our universal addiction to external things, you begin to know why it can’t bring peace and joy. In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus says “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Is this what your current boss is saying? Perhaps it’s time for you to find a new employer? God is hiring right now; He always was. But he will only hire the higher you, not the ego. The ego is fired. This world of illusion is going to beat you down. It’s going to try to tear you apart.. It’s going to give you anything and everything to worry about. But understand that you don’t need to go through any of this alone.
We have the ability and privilege to release our stress and anxiety from this life to the One who wants to carry it for us, God. The world unravels you. The Bible, like Transformative Life Coaching (TLC), puts you back together. Psalms 55:22 states “Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.”
The Story of the Sannyasi
Anthony de Mello recounts ‘The Story of the Sannyasi.’ This is a story of about a villager in India who encounters a Sannyasi: A wandering mendicant who, having attained Enlightenment, understands that the whole world is his home and the sky is his roof, and that God is his father, who will look after him. Sometimes a simple story can say more than a whole day at a wellbeing retreat, because stories speak to the depths within us. This story has to do with true joy. It is the story of a villager in India who happens upon a Sannyasi. He moves from place to place the way we move from one room of our home to another.
The villager exclaimed to the Sannyasi “I cannot believe this” when their paths crossed. The Sannyasi responded “What is it you cannot believe?” The villager replied, “I had a dream about you last night: I dreamed that the Lord Vishnu said to me tomorrow morning you will leave the village and you will run into a wandering Sannyasi, and here you are!” “What else did the Lord Vishnu say to you?” the Sannyasi asked. “He said that you possess a precious stone and that should you give it to me: Its value will make me the richest man in the world” the villager said. He continued “Do you have such a stone?” The Sannyasi began rummaging through his knapsack and after a moment pulled out an object. “Would this be the stone you saw in your dream?” said the Sannyasi, handing the stone to the villager. The villager could not believe his eyes: It was the same stone - a diamond as big as his fist. He held the diamond in his two hands with great care. “Could I have this stone?” he asked. “Of course!” the Sannyasi said. He continued “Please take it - I found it in the forest and you're welcome to it!”
The villager took the diamond and went to sit under a tree on the outskirts of the village. He held the diamond close to his heart and he experienced great happiness. Now this is the kind of happiness most people feel the day they get something they really want: An attachment. Have you ever stopped to ask how long that kind of happiness lasts? You got that Tesla car; you got the higher degree; you were at the top of your class or your profession; you got what you thought was your dream job. How long does that joy last? How many seconds - how many minutes? Eventually you grew tired of what you received, didn't you? Soon you are off looking for something else. You were insatiable. I wrote about this in my article 'The Wrong Tower Phenomenon.'
The villager sat under a tree all day clutching his diamond and he became immersed in thought and toward evening he returned to the place where the Sannyasi was meditating, and he gave him back the diamond. “I've decided that this wasn't what I was looking for” he said. “May I ask you to do me one more favour?” “What is it?" asked the Sannyasi. The villager replied “Could you give me the inner richness that makes it possible for you to so easily give away this diamond that would have made you the richest man in the world?” This story says it all.
Understanding this timeless spiritual Truth is more valuable than studying any of the scriptures because what good is it to you to study the scriptures if you've not understood this parable? What good is it if you've not understood what it means to live and to be free and to be spiritual?
How does joy relate to non-attachment?
You cannot yet see reality. Attachments drain the symphony of life of sound. In the same way that some people seek money to find joy. If we seek people places or things to define joy we will be insatiable and it will destroy the symphony of your life. This is why billionaires have dysfunctional families and are miserable. Nothing is ever enough. Everyone sees it except the man him self. There is no way to win the battle of attachments. We are told by our 'civilised' society that joy is to be found by having wrinkle free skin or a full bank account. But joy is an inside job. Society does not train us to be unconditionally joyful. People who are obsessed with “making it’ are miserable and anxious.
Joy, like peace, is also an inside job. I have written a whole article on this entitled 'Joy is the Soul of Happiness', so I won’t repeat it here.
There is nothing to fix
Effort does not lead to change, growth, or success. All that matters is who you are BEing. This is what generates abundance. All your problems are because you think there is a problem that you need to fix before the results that you want can happen: They can happen right now. You are surrounded by a banquet of joy and love and all is well. You have been programmed to be unhappy and to think that you are in lack. It’s conditioning from society, your family and caregivers, and any judgemental aspects of institutionalised religion. You have been trained and conditioned to be upset. You have been trained that you need to control the Universe to stop being upset. It’s a tragic existence that makes you at the mercy of thoughts, beliefs, people, events, places and things. Your belief that you lack makes you to latch onto attachments. What keeps you from a life of serenity and wellbeing?
As soon as you get something the good feeling is temporary. Then you look to the next thing. Anthony de Mello explains this beautifully in 'Stop Fixing Your Self'. Stop looking for answers and sources outside of you. You are not broken. If you look carefully the only thing that causes any unhappiness is attachment.
Destroy the illusion that your attachments will bring you joy. That is how you enter the Kingdom of God. You will be paid a thousand times over: In the Bible Deuteronomy 1:11 it states "May the LORD, the God of your fathers, add to you a thousand times as many as you are and bless you, just as He has promised you!"
Simply get deprogrammed from this conditioning and get rid of your attachments. Don’t use will power: Use awareness. This is how to make life beautiful. You already have everything you need to be happy.
Attachment is not a fact. It is a belief. It is a form of programming. Stop squandering energy trying to rearrange the world. Moving the deck chairs around on the Titanic would not have stopped it from sinking. Unhappiness is not in the world. Joy is in your heart, always. You will then know what God is. You will then know what love is. You do not see people places and things as they are. You see them as you are. Unless you change your programming back to its 'default setting' you will then continue to perceive the sense perceptions in a way that reinforces your illusions.
You can be blissfully happy without your attachments. If you get rid of your fear of failure and drop your entire attention on success, you will find your true Self. Your true Self is abundant. You can stop driving with your brakes on. In fact, stop being driven: Instead, follow a calling.
It's our natural state to be positive, joyful, loving, and present. Just look at a baby to see this.
When you take action, expect a positive outcome with infinite possibility, but don’t be attached to it. Don’t let the fear of a ‘no’ stop you from taking action. Take action then let go. Make a start on living the rest of your life. You recreate your Self in every moment. How we feel about ourselves is all about action, not results. A 'no' is not rejection, it's usually about something that is going on for the other person.
Buddhists would say that we are all one. There is no ask: It's the will of the Universe.
You create your own reality. Believe that only good things happen to you. Stay sincere. Stay authentic - being positive is not faking it. Love your fate: 'Amor Fati' as the Stoic philosophers said in ancient Greece. Love everything that happens to you, for there is a reason behind it: A plan. You don't need to know the plan for your life to follow it. It will happen anyway, so just get out of your own way. As Albert Einstein said "God doesn't play dice." Be comfortable with not knowing. It works so much better than trying to control what you can't control, which is 95% of what you are doing: It's futile, demoralising, and exhausting.
The parable of the Archer
A great Chinese sage told of ‘The Archer’ parable that goes: When the Archer shoots for no particular prize he has all his skills. When he shoots to win a brass buckle, he is already nervous. When he shoots for a gold prize, he goes blind since he is focussing on two targets (the target and the gold) and is out of his mind: His skill has not changed but the prize divides him, fracturing his psyche and causing his ego to emerge, who is blinded by fear. He thinks more about winning than shooting and the need of his ego to win drains him of power.
This parable is a metaphor for the psyche of most people. When you are living for nothing, you have all your skills and energy, you are relaxed and you aren’t overwhelmed. It doesn't matter to you whether you win or lose. In this state, you will always win.
Now there's the human experience for you, laid out bare: That's what life is all about. The mystics and the prophets didn't bother one bit about honour. Grace meant nothing to them - they were living in another world: The world of the awakened. Success or failure meant nothing to them. There is a massive contrast between worldly feelings and soul feelings. You know what I mean.
Christopher Dines wrote in 'Mindfulness Burnout Prevention' “Things sometimes go our way and sometimes they don’t. All we can do is apply ourselves to our profession, giving our very best effort but emotionally letting go of the outcome. Why? Because if we obsess about an outcome, we cannot possibly honour the present moment... It is impossible to control outcomes or results, although most of us have been programmed from a very young age to believe otherwise. The idea that we can perform actual ‘magic’ causes tremendous dysfunction, unnecessary suffering and prevents the development of emotional resilience... The human brain is incredible in its capacity to heal and rewire itself. The human brain can be shaped and trained to be more resilient, calm, compassionate and alert - we can condition ourselves to be successful. Through mindfulness meditation, we can literally re-wire our brains through new experiences, which modify our neural network and our neural chemistry. Mindfulness also improves the function of the human brain.”
The Four Noble Truths
These four truths are called noble because they liberate us from suffering. They are the Buddha’s basic teaching, encapsulating the entire Buddhist path:
1. Suffering
Life always involves suffering, in obvious and subtle forms. Even when things seem good, we always feel an undercurrent of anxiety and uncertainty inside.
2. The Cause of Suffering
The cause of suffering is craving and fundamental ignorance. We suffer because of our mistaken belief that we are a separate, independent, solid “I.” The painful and futile struggle to maintain this delusion of ego is known as samsara, or cyclic existence.
3. The End of Suffering
The good news is that our obscurations are temporary. They are like passing clouds that obscure the sun of our Enlightened nature, which is always present. Therefore, suffering can end because our obscurations can be purified and awakened mind is always available to us.
4. The Path
By practicing meditation, and developing wisdom, we can take exactly the same journey to Enlightenment and freedom from suffering that the Buddhas do. We too can wake up.
Conclusions
Meister Eckhart, the German scholar, philosopher, and spiritual genius wrote "He who would be serene and pure needs but one thing, detachment."
The great Aldous Huxley wrote in 'Ends and Means' that "It is difficult to find a single word that will adequately describe the ideal man of the free philosophers, the mystics, the founders of religions. 'Non-attached* is perhaps the best. The ideal man is the non-attached man. Non-attached to his bodily sensations and lusts. Non-attached to his craving for power and possessions. Non-attached to the objects of these various desires. Non-attached to his anger and hatred; non-attached to his exclusive loves. Non-attached to wealth, fame, social position. Non-attached even to science, art, speculation, philanthropy. Yes, non-attached even to these. For, like patriotism, in Nurse Cavel's phrase, they are not enough. Non-attachment to Self and to what are called 'the things of this world' has always been associated in the teachings of the philosophers and the founders of religions with attachment to an ultimate reality greater and more significant than the Self. Greater and more significant than even the best things that this world has to offer."
The reason many people in our society are miserable, sick, and highly stressed is because of an unhealthy attachment to things they have no control over. Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions: Reality can be obtained only by someone who is detached.
Osho wrote "A person who lives moment to moment, who goes on dying to the past, is never attached to anything. Attachment comes from the accumulated past. If you can be unattached to the past every moment, then you are always fresh, young, just born. You pulsate with life and that pulsation gives you immortality. You are immortal, only unaware of the fact." He continued "This is the whole secret of non-attachment: live in the world, but don't be of the world. Love people, but don't create attachments. Reflect people, reflect the beauties of the world -- and there are so many. But don't cling. The clinging mind loses its mirrorhood. And mirrorhood is Buddhahood. To keep that quality of mirroring continuously fresh is to remain young, is to remain pure, is to remain innocent. Know, but don't create knowledge. Love, but don't create desire. Live, live beautifully, live utterly, abandon yourself in the moment. But don't look back. This is the art of non-attachment."
The Dalai Lama wrote "As human beings, we all want to be joyous and free from misery. We have learned that the key to joy is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness."
Don’t think of non-attachment as a form of indifference or a form of self-denial. Think of non-attachment as a way of not allowing things in your life to own you. Giving up the attachment to the permanence of things is the key understanding here.
The Buddha wrote that those "Who find delight in freedom from attachment in the renunciation of clinging, free from the inflow of thoughts, they are like shining lights, having reached final liberation in the world." This is Federer or Djokovic at the Wimbledon final: Totally present in the moment, in each point. That's how you win the match. Just think about the trophy once it's in your hands. Keep your ego in check. You never rise above being human. Jesus was a human being. If you think you are more than human, you will fail. You will be epic, unless you judge others. As it says in the Bible, John 14:12 "Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these."
Joseph Campbell wrote "We must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." I have found this to be very true. When you leap, wings and a net appears. Close the door to trauma behind you. The door ahead of you is wide open...
My gift is to be your guide on your very own 'Hero's Journey'...
Email me: hello@transformativelifecoach.co.uk
“Transformative life coaching uniquely creates and holds the space for you to see your self afresh, with clarity, and step into new ways of BEing, which will transform how you perceive and intuitively create your world. My work is to guide you to raise your own conscious awareness to the level that you want to achieve.” Olly Alexander Branford
My coaching themes and services: Transformative Life Coaching, Transformational Coaching, Life Coaching, Personal Coaching, Positive Psychology Coaching, Recovery Coaching, Trauma Informed Coaching, Work Addiction Coaching, Workaholism Coaching, Addiction Coaching, Mindfulness Coaching.
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Hello,
I am very pleased to meet you. Thank you for reading this far. I very much look forward to connecting with the highest version of you, to seeing your highest possibility, and to our conversations. Please do contact me via my website for a free connection call and a free experience of coaching.
See you soon,
Olly Alexander Branford MBBS, MA(Cantab), PhD
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I have a Bachelor's degree in Natural Sciences from Trinity College, Cambridge; a Master's Degree in Philosophy from Trinity College, Cambridge; a PhD Doctorate in Scientific Research from University College London (UCL); a Medical Degree (MD/MBBS) from The Royal Free Hospital School of Medicine, London and have been a doctor and reconstructive trauma and cancer surgeon in London for 20 years. I have published over 50 peer reviewed scientific journal articles, have been an associate editor and frequent scientific faculty member, and am the author of several scientific books. I have been awarded my Diploma in Transformative Life Coaching in London, which has International Coaching Federation (ICF) Accreditation, as well as the UK Association for Coaching (AC), and the European Mentoring and Coaching Council (EMCC). I have been on my own transformative journey full time for four years and I am ready to be your guide to you finding out who you really are and how the world works.