INTRODUCTION
Welcome to the seventh blog post in my series on Transformative Life Coaching (TLC) and everything related to personal development and enlightenment. "Your Life Has Crashed: What now? The 7 Steps to a Life of Your Dreams." If this resonates, read on...
My education and training can be found at the bottom of this blog page. I received my training in TLC in London, England. I've been on a personal growth journey: I've had significant changes in my ways of BEing and so DOing. I work as a Transformative Life Coach full-time.
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I believe so strongly in the transformative potential of coaching that I have had, and continue to have, a number of Transformative Life Coaches. I would like everyone to be able to experience Enlightenment. This is my purpose - to have maximal impact on the world by sharing this with one person at a time. This will stir you to do the same, so the results will be exponential. Therefore, I do not do 'discovery calls', hard sell or use any sales tactics at all. I simply offer you a free one hour coaching session without expectation so that you can get a sense of the internal shift that can be achieved. We will not even discuss booking future sessions. I am offering an experience of coaching at no charge rather than selling the concept through a discovery call. Below I will set out how you can access bliss any time you desire.
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"My GIFT is to be YOUR GUIDE" Olly Alexander MA PhD
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Your Life Has Crashed: What now? The 7 Steps to a Life of Your dreams
Tragedy and comedy, sad and happy. We can move from depressed to joyous using the 7 steps I describe below
Table of Contents |
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2. Psychological support |
3. Recovery |
4. Inner child work and embodiment of your self |
5. Coaching |
6. Enlightenment |
7. The benefits of Enlightenment |
1. Your life has crashed: What now?
Rock bottom
You have hit rock bottom, and you know it. You can't see a way forward. You are numb, dissociated, as it's all too much emotion to bear, or maybe so anxious that you can't get down off the ceiling. You may feel exhausted: You just want to sleep - for weeks. You can't do anything. I know how you feel. I am here. I see you and hear you. I have been there. It's not the end. It's a new beginning: A rebirth. You had to consciously be reborn you see. Life will not just be good again, you will be transformed. You just can't see it yet.
What now?
First steps
You will likely need all of the 7 steps that I outline, one step at a time, and one day at a time. You will move from a life driven by ego-centric terror, desolation, depression, and despair, to one of love, compassion, joy, peace, wisdom, wellbeing, fulfilment, limitless possibility, and abundance in all its forms.
2. Psychological support
Help
It's ok to ask for help. You have never 'needed' it: That was the problem. You went it alone, thinking that you could just 'push on'. It wasn't sustainable, even though you felt invulnerable. It wasn't a question of if you were going to crash, but when. You built the "Wrong Tower" you see. You just can't see it yet. Bear with me, you will.
Psychiatric help
Psychotherapy
Group work
3. Recovery
What is recovery?
Recovery means finding your true Self: Literally recovering your true identity. Recovery = we recover the you that you were meant to be. It is the solution to the problem of needing external validation that we all crave in the 21st century (workaholism, shopping addiction, internet addiction, social media addiction, sex and love addiction) or numbing (gambling, alcohol or substance abuse) to ease the pain of emotions that are buried alive inside you from unresolved childhood trauma. Emotions are never buried dead. Recovery is a cradle for transformation after turmoil.
12 step work
A programme for living
We are not born with a programme for living. We are supposed to acquire this by modelling our parent's behaviour. But what if you had an unvalidated childhood without unconditional love? This is childhood trauma. Trauma is what we experience alone. Most of us have shame-based families. If it's hysterical it's historical. So many of us were brought up without knowing how we should be, and we don't even know it: The damage is already done at a preverbal age and continues through our childhood.
Not many people have a design for living and most people have unresolved trauma issues. 12 step programmes, transformation, and coaching can all work together to provide you with how to BE in life. This state of BEing means that you can act intuitively. If you are not BEing a noun, you cannot act as a verb! The 12 steps is a simple programme for complicated people. It empowers you to deal with challenges and accept life on life’s terms. It gives you the tools for living life. There is a tool for every nut. NUTS - is Not Using The Steps
"The willingness to grow is the essence of all spiritual development." Bill Wilson, founder of 12 step programmes
“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself” (Rumi).
4. Inner child work and embodiment of your self
What is inner child work?
The psychologist Carl Jung (1875-1961) is most commonly considered the first to have coined the term “inner child.” The divine child archetype is one among many defined by Jung, and is an inborn unconscious driver of our behaviour. The inner child archetype is akin to an unconscious subpersonality that consists of what a person learned and experienced in the earliest years of their life. This inner child personality is subordinate to the conscious mind, yet influences this mind. The influence manifests negatively if the inner child is traumatised, wounded or anxious. The role of Jungian psychotherapy is to heal this inner child. Through a process of conscious “reparenting”, psychotherapists assist their patients in recognising the inner child’s trauma and pain. The process of “reparenting” was first introduced by Dr. Lucia Capacchione in the 1970s through her art therapy. By compassionately working with this inner child to teach them new patterns of behaviour, the adult becomes free from the compulsion to act upon the whims of the unruly, subconscious child. We need to meet the needs of the child within us, not put them in a cage.
Roberto Assagioli (1888-1974), founder of the term psychosynthesis, the study of both personality and soul, inferred that while healing childhood trauma was essential to the healthy development of the ego, human growth was equally dependent on spiritual experience, and the goal of “Self-realisation.” This is why recovery and Transformative Life Coaching (TLC) (both essentially based on finding one's true Self) are essential elements in the 7 steps that I describe in this article to finding joy. Assagioli’s concept of self-actualisation was later made famous by its place at the top of Abraham Maslow’s 'Hierarchy of Needs:
Maslow’s theory was that once humans have satisfied their basic needs of food, water, and shelter, the actualisation of their full potential can begin to take place
These 19th-century psychotherapists would have agreed that “self-actualisation,” the realisation of our full potentiality, also known as Enlightenment, cannot be arrived at unless and until we make peace with the child within us and their needs. Jung’s archetypes are founded upon the idea that we do not come into this world as a blank slate. This concept is echoed in eastern philosophies, which influenced Jung, including his advice to authors of the Big Book, the 'Bible' of recovery (please forgive my mixing of religious reference - I mean Bible in the sense of the 'go to' definitive work), which delineates the 12 steps. According to the Laws of Karma, the unfulfilled desires of our past life compel our rebirth in the present. This cycle also unfolds from moment to moment, as the unmet needs we are unaware of drive our present-moment actions.
The traumatised inner child’s desire is to heal. Peter A. Levine said that “Trauma is not what happens to us. But what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.” The child within us that remains in pain, fear, anger or rage, guilt or shame, either retreats from or lashes out at the world around them, unable to cope with their intense emotions. It may be firmly rooted in black and white thinking and solid beliefs as a means of protecting themselves from the outside world. It needs guidance and loving-kindness from their adult Self so it can learn to trust and feel whole. Until the inner child is healed, our past troubles will continue to reveal themselves. Karma says we are fated to repeat the cycle until we consciously break it. While Jung may have referred to the “Hidden subconscious forces” of the inner child, eastern philosophers note the seeds of Karma. These seeds are stored in our subconscious, and until we replace them by planting positive seeds or liberate them through self-awareness, they will continue to grow and ripen into negative outcomes. The good news is, just like the seeds of Karma, the hidden forces of the inner child archetype can be redeemed. We can plant seeds for positive Karma, and we can benefit from the positive characteristics of a healed inner child.
The redeemed inner child is the emancipated child, freed by you as the parent. A healthy and healed inner child is able to remain in the present moment, no longer clings to black and white beliefs and feels comfortable letting things go. The child within us becomes curious, playful, and accepts a sense of humour in all things. The Buddhist spiritual leader Thich Nhat Hanh has said“The cry we hear from deep in our hearts comes from the wounded child within.” It’s our life’s work to stop, notice, and listen to this child. We cannot reach our destiny without healing the inner child’s pain and transforming their sadness, fear or anger. In his 2010 book, 'Reconciliation: Healing The Inner Child', Thich Nhat Hanh suggests using mindfulness to listen with compassion to our inner child. We can strengthen our mind consciousness through meditation and by doing even the simplest daily activities with awareness. As mindfulness increases, we can better hear the call of the child inside us. Noticing and listening is the first step in the process of reconciliation. Once we recognise the child, Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us to embrace them, to take care of them, and to compassionately reparent them. Through its call to us, the inner child is asking us to help it heal. Like all children, this child has within it the potential to be healed. The call of the inner child is the call of our true nature, it asks us to listen, to slow down, and to treat our innermost being with compassion and loving-kindness. Ultimately, the call comes from a part of us deep within that is already whole, Enlightened and divine. You can try this meditation to connect with your inner child right now (see that section on 'What is embodiment?' below) . The divine child, the healed child inside us, is an archetype that’s frequently enmeshed with descriptions of Enlightened BEings. This is the child your meditation and yoga teacher wants you to invite to the forefront. This is the child that comes out to play once the reconciliation and healing process is complete. While the traumatised inner child is imbued with mental afflictions as our ego, the Enlightened inner child is joyful, empathetic, curious, and playful. The healed inner child is our source of limitless healthy energy and creativity. By reparenting our inner child we keep them safe, healthy, and whole. We become one - whole, acting with integrity. Reparenting the inner child focuses on making sure it feels the value, love, and protection it lacked during childhood. By working with your inner child, you can isolate and integrate a very essential part of your being. Because the inner child holds enormous power over our thoughts, decisions, and relationships, it is important to introduce it to new approaches that help lessen unruly reactions and promote reflective responses.
Spiritual texts from all Faiths describe the childlike features of those fully connected to the divine. In Mark 10:15 the Bible says "Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the Kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” Without the humility, teachability, and Faith of a child, one will be unable to connect to one’s God. One must follow the teachings as a child follows a parent. The Hindu Swami Amar Jyoti describes “The great souls” as like innocent children, spontaneous, with simplicity and purity of heart. He goes on to say higher BEings appear childlike because they are unassuming, free and unattached to a static definition of “self.” The Dalai Lama is often referred to as child-like, “Manifest Buddhism in his own nature – child-like, joyful, and empathetic.” Vancouver’s Dalai Lama Center emphasises a child’s ability to see themselves as limitless, to dream big and focus on their potential and the possibilities of what they can do, as the desirable qualities of a divine BEing. Children are naturally curious and open to learning, they find joy in exploration without attachment to outcome, they ask for help when they need it, and imagine they have the potential to be really good at something.
Carl Jung famously said "The first half of life is devoted to forming a healthy ego, the second half is going inward and letting go of it.” Once we come to terms with a healthy ego by making friends with the child inside us, it’s time to allow the enlightened qualities of this child to teach us to let go.
When asked to get in touch with our inner child, we may at first find someone scared, hiding, angry, or lashing out. Through conscious connection and compassionate self-parenting, we allow this inner child to shine forth with all their innate wonder, curiosity, awe and potential. It is no wonder that spiritual leader Emmet Fox, author of Sermon on The mount, (1886–1951) called it the "wonder child." True adulthood and maturity arises when we have fully acknowledged, accepted, and taken responsibility for our inner child, through loving and compassionate self-parenting.
What is embodiment?
Embodiment is developed in a meditative state, within somatic psychology, through mindfulness practices that are inclusive of body awareness, inviting you to reconnect to your sensations as part of the healing process. You can communicate aloud with your inner child.
In this exercise, you can either sit or stand in front of a mirror or sit comfortably without one. If using a mirror, directly speak with your reflection; asking questions and answering them freely without restraint. If you feel strained or upset, comfort your reflection. Speak words you would want to hear from someone you love. Speak words you never heard as a child but desperately needed to hear. Say exactly what your inner child needs to hear right now. Remember, you are reparenting your inner child. Soothe its spirit, so that yours can also find some kind of peace and resolve your inner conflicts. Doing this in the context of meditation allows you to further communicate and connect with your inner child. With time, effort and continued guidance, reparenting your inner child can open up new doors in your healing journey. Years of life have passed, yet your inner child still eagerly awaits you to wrap it in the most loving embrace it has ever felt. An embrace that you have the power to create and sustain. A hug that you can channel through your connection with the divine in you. It’s time to reintroduce yourself to the child within. Your healing starts now. You can alternately take the role of parent (the assertive adult in you) or your inner child, reassure, ask questions, forgive, show compassion. This will set you both free to integrate together as one. The safe adult in you, and the joyful, curious, child with limitless energy and creativity. You become very powerful, safe, and abundant. Thus you become 'energetic serenity' - a nuclear reactor of energy that can power the national grid, not explode and destroy, as the adult is keeping you both safe. It's your superpower.
As an adult you are completely safe - you fill your body with your adult, always present. The inner child can show up. Imagine sending your inner child into the adult world unaccompanied - that is what you have done until now. Now, through reparenting and embodiment practices, your inner child will always feel safe and unconditionally loved by you. You don't need anything outside of you. The world is full of spiritually sick terrified inner children showing up as adults. What an amazing place the world would be if we all showed up as adults. Your adult will always be there. You have healed your inner child wounds.
The problem is that you were parented by your parent's wounded inner child as they did not show up as adults. Is it possible for a child to sin? No, it's not possible. Your inner child didn't receive what he needed to protect him, so he developed coping mechanisms to protect himself. This desperate need for external validation gets louder and louder until an epiphany takes place, where you are reborn as an adult. Can you go through adult life without making mistakes? No, of course not. But we must learn from them, have self-compassion, and never judge. You now have an opportunity for Grace and expansion. This is a rebirth, not an ending. By doing the inner work (through action and engagement as described in the 12 steps) to transform your character, you will be touched by Grace - it will feel as if you are gently touched lightly by a feather. Forgiveness as Grace lands lightly on you, yet powerfully. You are so forgivable. Your own accountability, your intuitively-inspired actions, to undergo transformation, creates the Grace. As an adult you know intuitively what to do, in line with your core values. You have sat with pain, fear and toxic shame, you are reparenting your shadow (the ostracised elements of your inner child), that makes you so safe, that it would require a quantum leap to reverse this process. Most people don't have the wisdom to understand this, but it doesn't matter.
Our Shadow Self is not an evil-twin personality that we have to master. Our undesirable behaviours aren’t defects or soul blight, they’re a cry for attention - for help to heal our wounded selves. Any manipulativeness, arrogance, hostility, or addiction: These aren’t inner fractures. They’re expressions of wounds that have not yet healed. Those wounds get hidden in the shadows of our consciousness. Our Shadow Self is our neglected inner child. And our greatest opportunity for building strength comes from the work of healing our woundedness. The shadow is where our pain hides, waiting for the light of our attention. It lies beneath the distractions of workaholism, comparison and bravado. It’s the stuff in the basement of our psyches that we’re not cleaning up.
We avoid our Shadow by…
Overachieving - spiritual bypassing under the guise of self-improvement. We can’t tend to our pain if we’re shellacking it with positivity.
Overworking to stay distracted from our perceived brokenness. If I just keep working hard, I’ll get what I want. I will be so industrious and devoted and good, that God will deliver me… because that’s how Karma works, yeah? Nope.
Overconsumption and addictive habits - from using mood-altering substances to buying stuff we don’t really need in order to feel and “look” better… temporarily.
Hanging out in superficial relationships to avoid being truly seen-felt-head and intimate.
Your Shadow Self is waiting for the light of your attention - your love. You have to have compassion for yourself. It's a human survival mechanism to avoid our wounds in order to keep carrying on. You’ve got stuff to do: A career to build, people to care for, babies to raise. These are healthy reasons to delay sorting out your life. Yet we need to deal with it. You have the strength. It might not be easy, but it will be worth it. Shadow work hurts before it brings relief. It might cost you a lot in therapy. You might have to take some time off work. You will probably have to have some uncomfortable conversations. But - you’re going to get there - to feel free, for everything to become clear, and to become sovereign in your life. By the time in your life that you’re ready to deal with your emotional wounds, you’ve likely built some support systems. An ecosystem of friends, teammates, and introspective tools that will help weather you through. You’ve been building up your outer strength so you can take the inward journey. You’re not alone.
The sense of isolation is part of being in the dark. But there are an infinite amount of people who’ve traversed the same path and come out on the other side. There is a pattern to the descent, and that means that the rising is also inevitable. Draw on the stories of others. They know.
Remember that “Learning to love my most wounded self was my ultimate restoration.” Tell your inner child: "I see you. I see your fear, shame, terror… and I’m not judging you anymore. I’m going to embrace you. In fact, I’m going to listen to everything you need to say. I know I’ve neglected you. I’ve overworked when you needed rest. I know it might be hard to trust me, but you can trust me now because I’m here to do the work. I’m going to take care of you." Self-compassion is the most powerful light source on the inner shadow. Shine it on the full spectrum of your pain (from the ancient to the recent) and keep loving what you find in the dark. This is good parenting for your soul.
Keep looking, keep listening, keep loving your wounds, and your radiance - your inherent, never-leaving, second nature radiance will astound you.
This is the shadow work:
I used to berate my Shadow Self (my wounded inner child) for doing/being/acting…
But now I know that she-he-they were trying to tell me to heal…
My Shadow Self wants me to know…
How she-he-they want to feel…
Encouragement/internal validation/comfort my woundedness needs to hear…
How I commit to caring for my inner child…
Learning to love my most wounded self was my ultimate restoration. When times are tough, silence your inner critic, and love your Self more. Dive inside and love your self unconditionally.
5. Coaching
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6. Enlightenment
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7. The benefits of enlightenment
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SUMMARY
What you are feeling is historical. Benjamin Fry says in his book "The Invisible Lion" that our responses are appropriate, but that they are in response to a threat that no longer exists. Dealing with your childhood trauma and its consequences needs a multifaceted approach:
Psychological support and trauma treatment
Recovery programmes such as the 12 steps which give people a ‘programme for living’ that they never received as children, fellowship, and introduces them to a spiritual approach
Transformation to discover your true Self, your inner adult and become fully awakened
Sending you love, light, and blessings.
Please let me know if you would like to join my 'VOICE for men' group: 'Vulnerability & Openness Is a Choice Ensemble', where men can find their strength, courage, and authenticity, by dropping their egocentric fears and instead communicate openly with vulnerability. It will change your life. It will empower you. This community is a safe space for men to connect and discuss philosophy, spirituality, positive psychology, and timeless Truths, to share our experience, strength and hope, and to find solutions to our pain and fears.
Olly Alexander Branford MD, MBBS, MA(Cantab), PhD
My gift is to be your guide. Let me know if you would like to continue this conversation...
Email me: hello@transformativelifecoach.co.uk
“Transformative life coaching uniquely creates and holds the space for you to see your self afresh, with clarity, and step into new ways of BEing, which will transform how you perceive and intuitively create your world. My work is to guide you to raise your own conscious awareness to the level that you want to achieve.” Olly Alexander Branford
My coaching themes and services - I work 1:1 and in groups with men who are looking for: Transformative Life Coaching, Transformational Coaching, Life Coaching, Personal Coaching, Positive Psychology Coaching, Recovery Coaching, Trauma Informed Coaching, Work Addiction Coaching, Workaholism Coaching, Addiction Coaching, Mindfulness Coaching.
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Hello,
I am very pleased to meet you. Thank you for reading this far. I very much look forward to connecting with the highest version of you, to seeing your highest possibility, and to our conversations. Please do contact me via my website for a free connection call and a free experience of coaching. I am here to serve you.
See you soon,
Olly Alexander Branford MD, MBBS, MA(Cantab), PhD
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I have a Bachelor's degree in Natural Sciences from Trinity College, Cambridge; a Master's Degree in Philosophy from Trinity College, Cambridge; a PhD Doctorate in Scientific Research from University College London (UCL); a Medical Degree (MD/MBBS) from The Royal Free Hospital School of Medicine, London and have been a doctor and reconstructive trauma and cancer surgeon in London for 20 years. I have published over 50 peer reviewed scientific journal articles, have been an associate editor and frequent scientific faculty member, and am the author of several scientific books. I have been awarded my Diploma in Transformative Life Coaching in London, which has International Coaching Federation (ICF) Accreditation, as well as the UK Association for Coaching (AC), and the European Mentoring and Coaching Council (EMCC). I have been on my own transformative journey full time for four years and I am ready to be your guide to you finding out who you really are and how the world works.