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Moving Beyond Infidelity Into Real Love

Updated: Jan 25

Many of my clients in a long-term relationship where one partner has been unfaithful struggle to understand why it happened and how they can move past the hurt to acceptance and discover a newly found joy and peace: It can even make your relationship stronger and more real. You may be angry, feel helpless, or even blame yourself. This too shall pass. But how?


The key to real love: Once you find the key, and turn the key, you unlock the beauty of the real love between you and your partner


Why did it happen?

Infidelity has got nothing to do with you.


The partner who was unfaithful was most likely looking to feel desired or loved, but this is a form of insanity. The partner was looking for crumbs of ‘imitation love’ on the floor from strangers instead of realising the banquet of unconditional love that they have with you. This is usually the result of the partner never having experienced unconditional love (what I call ‘real love’) as a child as their dysfunctional family (85% of us come from dysfunctional families) never demonstrated it to them. This is childhood trauma.


They are going to need to learn real love from scratch with you if you so wish. Unless the relationship is really at an end, they were not in real love with the person that they betrayed you with. They subconsciously sought a pathological situation dominated by insanity on both sides of the fling, recreating the madness of their childhood. Yes, they were insane to do that. They may have even been suffering from PTSD. But if they had known better, they would have done better. Until they make their subconscious behaviour conscious, they knew not what they were doing.


I recommend that you both read the book 'Real Love' by Greg Baer, which is in my 'Suggested Reading List.' This book is full of 'aha' moments about what real unconditional love is and what we are all mostly doing wrong.


People fell over themselves to betray Jesus, and he was the perfect human being. So, you see, there is nothing wrong with you. You simply have to look into the eyes of the person who was unfaithful, and until they evolve, it is clear that they are suffering from real insanity. You will see it in their face. The person they had a fling with has no claim or right over them and they need to get over it.


No amount of imitation love will be enough if you didn’t get real love as a child. If your primal needs of unconditional love are not met as a child you cannot get enough substitute gratification as an adult to replace it. This results in endless cycles of insatiable cravings of 'imitation love', overwhelming emotional pain, and disappointment. Adult cravings can never satisfy our unmet infantile needs and our experience of childhood and adolescence creates a false identity, the ego. Yet, even we don’t love our false self. Instead of primal needs being satisfied we experience primal emotional pain. This makes us scream silently. To experience a rebirth we must feel our initial pain as that is where our growth and wisdom are buried alive.


Equip yourself with what you need

It is possible to heal your relationship after infidelity and to not only save your relationship, but also to bring real love to it, where it was lacking, where no-one could see that. For this you will need self-compassion. The experience can be similar to grief, with the loss of the person you thought you knew and trusted or the loss of the version of the relationship you thought you had. But with time it is possible to come to a place of acceptance, which is the answer to all of your problems. Be kind to yourself. It will take time and there is no set pace which must be followed. Both individuals need to be committed to doing some painful and long-term work to heal and to have faith that your relationship may be saved.


The key to coping with the pain of infidelity is taking care of yourself in several ways, including:

1.        Pausing: In the immediate aftermath of infidelity, you might feel compelled to make decisions. Should you break up with your partner, or stick with them? Should you tell people what happened? Should you move? Should you make other steps to detach your heart and your life from your partner’s? Although these decisions are entirely yours to make, you don’t have to make them immediately. Give yourself permission to pause on decisions while you process the betrayal. You’ll likely be overwhelmed by a roller coaster of emotions, so it might be wise to take your time. Find a place to stay for a few days to clear your head if you live with your partner. This can give you the mental space you need to start processing your emotions.

2.        Self-compassion: Be kind to yourself and take care of your needs. After infidelity, you might ramp up negative self-talk. This might look like blaming yourself for issues in the relationship. It’s not your fault. Your partner was insane as described above and they may need to do much inner work (see below). You can challenge negative self talk by asking your self “Do I know this to be true?”; “How would I feel if the opposite were true and it all turned out ok?”

3.        Care for your body and mind: While your focus might be on understanding and processing the betrayal, it’s important not to neglect your physical and mental health. Disregarding your basic needs can leave you feeling worse - which isn’t good for you, your partner, or your relationship. Remember HALT – Hungry (eat enough healthy food and stay well hydrated); Angry (give your self breaks from your anger); Lonely (connect with those people in your life who you have authentic connections with and real love); Tired (make sure that you keep regular sleep times and that you sleep enough). Also, spending time in Nature and journalling really help. Ask yourself “What do I need today?”

4.        Seek professional help: This may be therapy, counselling, couples therapy, or coaching. Talking things through in a safe, objective space is important.

 

The work your partner needs to do

The person who sought ‘imitation love’ elsewhere needs to understand their subconscious behaviour. This may involve 12 step ‘sex and love addiction’ work; discovering a spiritual approach to life, trauma therapy for their dysfunctional childhood, looking within, and taking an inner journey.


Conclusions

It’s absolutely possible to heal and even grow after infidelity. Although the pain and grief can be intense, it’s also possible to work on the relationship so that you and your partner are not only able to move on, but you can also find a love that is even more real and beautiful in the long term together.

 

The betrayal partner has no right to be angry: If they are this signifies the depth of their spiritual dis-ease and points to the inner work that they need to do by themselves. They need to let go and move on: There is nothing to see here. Remember that they have no claim over you or your partner...


Speak in such a way that others love to listen to you: Listen in such a way that others love to speak to you.


Namaste.


Sending you love, light, and blessings brothers.


Olly



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Hello,

I am delighted and enchanted to meet you. I coach men with 'Deep Coaching', 'Supercoaching', and Transformative Life Coaching (TLC). Thank you for reading this far. I very much look forward to connecting with the highest version of you, to seeing your highest possibility, and to our conversations. Please do contact me via my email for a free connection call and a free experience of coaching on Zoom or in person. 


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I have a Bachelor's degree in Natural Sciences from Trinity College, Cambridge; a Master's Degree in Philosophy from Trinity College, Cambridge; a PhD Doctorate in Scientific Research from University College London (UCL); a Medical Degree (MD/MBBS) from The Royal Free Hospital School of Medicine, London and have been a doctor and reconstructive trauma and cancer surgeon in London for 20 years. I have a number of other higher qualifications in science and surgery. I have published over 50 peer reviewed PubMed cited scientific journal articles, have been an associate editor and frequent scientific faculty member, and am the author of several scientific books. I have been awarded my Diploma in Transformative Life Coaching in London, which has International Coaching Federation (ICF) Accreditation, as well as the UK Association for Coaching (AC), and the European Mentoring and Coaching Council (EMCC). I have been on my own transformative journey full time for over five years and I am ready to be your guide to you finding out who you really are and how the world works.




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