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Emotional healing

Updated: Jan 28

Much of our mental, emotional, spiritual, and psychological dis-ease comes from unfelt emotions that were simply too painful for us to face as a child in the context of our dysfunctional childhoods and childhood trauma. So, we keep a lid on this bubbling emotional cauldron for decades, unless we become aware of it and use techniques to feel and then free ourselves from these emotions, so that we can stop them from hijacking and imprisoning us.


But how do we dig up these deeply buried feelings, that were too overwhelming as children, which are always buried alive, and that subconsciously run ‘the show’ that is our adult life, so that we can feel the emotions, learn the precious and deep wisdom that can be gleaned from them, finally surrender them, thereby freeing our true Selves, and become truly alive?


Emotions are difficult to name if you weren’t allowed to feel them and familiarise your Self with them as a child due to the battle for survival that is the tension between attachment and authenticity that we were faced with growing up. We were terrified of being abandoned, as all children are as their deepest fear (as abandonment when you are a young child means certain death), so we hid our true Selves (our authenticity) in favour of attachment to our care givers and even society at large. As such, emotions can be disabling until you feel them ‘head-on’.


We may lift the lid on our emotions by feeling them, naming them, expressing them, through meditation (with teachers such as Culadasa - see resources below), the “wake up, clean up, grow up, and look around model”, through powerful connection with others and doing the inner work, through writing, working with trauma and ‘The Dark Night of The Soul’, crying, sobbing, and through the Bio-Emotive Framework.


As Dr Gabor Maté said “We shall be saved by an ocean of tears”…


Crying is an emotional expression and release












In ‘The Dark Night of The Soul’ we have emotional situations that we may not be able to resolve for months or even years. Mother Theresa was reportedly stuck in her ‘Dark Night of The Soul’ for over 50 years.





Douglas Tataryn is a long-term meditator, Pranayama breathwork practitioner, and is a clinical psychologist. He was able to access states of spiritual bliss through his meditation. He then went on to do his own research on emotions, culminating in his concept of Bio-Emotive Framework. In this, he describes the nine core emotions, and that the body tells you what the emotion is. It is a way of understanding your emotions and the emotional system and the unconscious brain. This allows you to name and ‘speak’ your emotion: The one that gives you a physical response is the likeliest ‘core feeling’ response – and is usually indicated by being associated with tears. Tataryn states that Enlightenment is not a final destination, but a lifelong process. Not only you have to “Wake up, but you also have to clean up, grow up, and look around”.

 

Feeling beliefs

Subconscious emotions can distort your reality. They are hard to ‘see’. Tataryn talks about “Feeling your beliefs.” Tataryn says that “Our psyche can’t look at itself looking at things.” Deep emotional trauma as a child leads to feelings being incorporated in to the way that you view life as ‘feeling beliefs’: Any intense emotional encounter that you don’t fully feel or express will become part of your sense of Self and or world-view instead of being something that simply happened to you. For example, we become shame as our identity.


We need to undertake a full cognitive deconstruction of our feeling beliefs: These are deeply held early childhood beliefs that we ruminate on such as “I am a broken person”, consumed by shame. We need to ‘feel our way through problems’, not ‘think our way through problems’. We need to stop living in our minds and over-intellectualising everything. If, for example, we sit with the feeling ‘I am a broken person’ we can remember the times when those feelings emerged.


As we work with these feeling beliefs we may trace them back to feeling like an inadequate human being and that we don’t deserve to have our needs met.


Tataryn suggests going backwards to the time where they first showed up in our psyches. There is usually a traumatic event or series of events. We can go back and fully experience and express the thing that happened to you when you were young. A feeling impression was generalised then and became part of your sense of Self. It’s always a historical event as we close down our emotional system when we were young and became intellectually oriented. Once you are closed down in this way you don’t feel the emotional energy on board. It ‘bounces off your intellectual armour’. You then subconsciously seek things that you think will make you feel valued, validated, and significant: You crave external validation, which has become the curse of our disconnected culture. You are trying to fill an empty hole with activities that don’t fill an empty hole. We get caught in situations where we don’t know how to feel our way through a problem and are caught in feeling beliefs. We can’t take in new impressions, so we are plagued by that feeling belief. We are stuck like a scratched record, going round and round and round until we crash.

 

The nine core feelings

Happy, sad, angry, and fear are the four core emotions.


The nine core feelings come from the body from the emotional pain that we are stuck in. You keep going back until your find the essence of your pain: What makes you want to cry and sob. As you reach the essence you have memories from childhood where you were treated in a certain way. This takes us back to when we were vulnerable and were taking in emotional impressions all the time. Each core feeling includes something about your Self, and something about your relation to the world. Like ‘I am alone and worthless, and I don’t deserve to be loved.’ These lead to a distorted sense of Self.

 

The nine core feelings are:

1.    I am alone (I will be abandoned)

2.    I am inadequate

3.    I am insignificant

4.    I feel lost

5.    I feel helpless

6.    I feel worthless (and don’t deserve to be loved)

7.    I feel a loss/ emptiness (if you have felt loss for a long time it tends to be an emptiness)

8.    I feel bad or I am a bad person

9.    I feel hopeless – what of the other feelings are you in that you believe will never change eg. Do you feel like you will be alone for the rest of your life? Hopelessness is the most accurate predictor of suicide. We can take some of the above core feelings as long as we think that it’s going to change. Hence the importance of the timeless Truth “This too shall pass.”

 

You may find your body resonating and being activated by the words. These are pointers to where there is emotional work to be done. This may be associated with crying or even sobbing.

 

The good news is that there are only nine core feelings that we need to process, not dozens or hundreds. This feels like relief.

 

The nine core feelings show up as one to three of them at a time, in relation to any given situation.

 

I find it interesting that the deepest fear that anyone has other than death is a feeling that one is going to be abandoned – this is the first of the nine core feelings of ‘I am alone.’

 

Most people have two or three core feelings that are felt. If you have seven or eight then it is an indicator that you need help with therapy according to Tataryn.

 

How do we start working with this kind of material? Tataryn says that the Bio-Emotive Framework is a good system to add as an adjunct to any other system that you are using as it increases your conceptual resolution of what is going on. This is how you get healing with ‘surgical precision.’

 

When you have had a lot of waking up already, and done the ‘cleaning up’ and ‘growing up’, using mindfulness you can become conscious of behaviours before you fall into them subconsciously. This leads to what Tataryn calls ‘feeling our way through a problem process’. For example, if something always comes up in meditation, one can ask “What feelings are leading me to this?” Sit with "What feeling is wanting to be played out here?" For example, if you feel insignificant you can undo or update the earlier experiences, and cry over them, and this is how you let them go. It updates itself in meditation when you realise that this was just a feeling that you felt as a child that overgeneralised. The energy that you have spent in terms of your behaviour becomes less compulsive. It’s an emotional inquiry, a deep dive, to deconstruct why you want to carry out certain behaviours based on your core feelings. It frees up vital energy, zest, and aliveness: There is a new noticeable spring to your step and greater presence as a result. Crying with others updates your impressions. Crying is an emotional discharge.

 

As Carl Jung says “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”


This speeds up the awakening process. It will help your mind to go silent during meditation and you will access bliss states as you will no longer have emotional states pulling your attention away through ‘cleaning up.’

 

Your whole life will feel better and freer after some good crying with others over this according to Tataryn.

 

Every time you hit a rock you find the core feeling belief, cry it out, and get past it with a new sense of freedom.

 

Crying is a big part of healing in general and is certainly a part of the Bio-Emotive Framework process. The crying is the healing process, which allows you to no longer carry the core feeling with you into the world. Even anger and shame can be released in this way. If you can cry, it will accelerate the update. Sobbing is worth more than crying. It relates to autonomic flushing and catharsis. You have to cry and find the core feeling as well.

 

Free resources

Dr. Tataryn’s website has lots of resources, some free: https://bioemotiveframework.com

 

You’ll find thought provoking interviews and video recordings with Douglas Tataryn at this link: https://bioemotiveframework.com/blog/

 

Upset about a recent event? Use one or both of these forms to turn that upset into a better understanding and expression of how you are feeling about it:

 

This is help you find the inter-personal feelings about the situation: http://tinyurl.com/BEFstress

 

This form will guide you through the core feelings related to the situation. We tend to take core feelings very personally and often feel we are the feelings instead of being someone who is having those feelings: Http://tinyurl.com/BEFCore

 

Hear Culadasa speaking about his work with Douglas Tataryn here: https://deconstructingyourself.com/culadasa-on-meditation-and-therapy.html


Speak in such a way that others love to listen to you: Listen in such a way that others love to speak to you.


George Bernard Shaw wrote that “Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” Are you ready to change your mind?


Namaste.


Sending you love, light, and blessings brothers.


Olly



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