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Guiding Overachievers To Abundance, Joy and Peace with Transformative Life Coaching

Updated: Jan 25

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to my blog series which dives deeply into Transformative life Coaching.


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Please see the bottom of this blog post for my education and training. I have trained in Transformation Life Coaching in London, United Kingdom. I believe so much in the deep power that coaching has to transform you and your organisation that I have had, and continue to have, a number of Transformative Life Coaches myself. I have experienced deep shifts in my way of BEing and therefore DO-ing. I am a full time Transformative Life Coach.


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Transformative Life Coaching ​(TLC) is all about creating an expanded way of BEing, which will create potentially epic outcomes for you and your business.


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Superachieving: The curable childhood curse of the prodigiously capable


Superachievers and overachievers are the driving forces of true innovation. The terms have the same meaning and are used interchangeably in this blog. Overachieving is a trauma response: It's a condition. It's the curable childhood curse of the prodigiously capable.


For a society that rewards accomplishments, we need to take a hard look at the costs. We are ‘insecure overachievers’: Exceptionally capable and fiercely ambitious, but driven by a profound belief in our own inadequacy. We feel unworthy to the core. According to the Wall Street Journal, a study of 400 people has shown that 75 percent of us overachievers have suffered childhood trauma: This is not widely known. Did you know that a recent study has shown that 36 percent of UK surgeons have trauma symptoms, and that 12% of UK surgeons have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? According to the landmark book "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk, nearly half of us trauma survivors numb their feelings with addiction. This has been well documented in the scientific literature. Trauma also leads to a number of symptoms, signs, and self-limiting and self-defeating behaviours as shown in the Trauma responses Constellation below.


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Trauma responses Constellation


As superachievers we fail above the level at which others achieve. We usually set our own level of impossibly high goals and standards. Or we self-sabotage as there is a cognitive dissonance between our success and our sense of self-worth. As superachievers we numb our pain with work addiction - a compulsion to external validation through our many successes. We become number one in any role we undertake. This drives us to achieve beyond all the competition, so people love to employ us. But it's not a question of if you will burn out and crash, but when? And then our employers drop us like a stone and hire the next superachiever that comes along.


"The Problem with Overachievement" by The School Of Life


Some children grow up believing that they are noticed and valued by their parents only when they are excelling. This attitude may persist long after they have left home because they have internalised that insecurity as part of their identity. This form of emotional abuse is not seen as abuse, but trauma is trauma. And having to bury your true Self in order to secure survival attachment needs to your parents in lieu of authenticity as a young child is severe trauma: It's a matter of life and death to the child, and it conditions our adult mind to act unconsciously to continue to hustle for our worthiness. It goes on relentlessly in what seem like perfect families. For me, coming last in a sports day race where my mother stormed off and called me useless at the age of 7, driving home without me so that I had to find my own way home. I buried the emotion of toxic shame deep inside. Its unbearable nature bubbled subconsciously up in the form of me running 5 marathons in little over 3 hours as an adult, each time beating my personal best. But I could not outrun my own deep feelings of being a loser. It drove me to doing 5 A levels, achieving 5 grade As; getting into medical school, getting a Master's degree from Trinity College, Cambridge, one of the top colleges in one of the top universities in the world; then a PhD and numerous other higher degrees, diplomas and qualifications. I became top of my profession, published very widely and was invited to lecture all over the world, sometimes to 12,000 people. But I could not outrun or out-achieve the shame of that little boy standing on the playing field watching his mother turn her back on him, believing that he should be someone else, someone better. I am not alone: Decades of research into elite firms confirmed this particular type of worker: the superachiever. Dr Alexandra Michel at the University of Pennsylvania has researched the lives and careers of investment bankers. "People know that they are being directly measured against their colleagues. But because they don’t actually know how their colleagues are doing, they set themselves incredibly high standards, just to be sure". To avoid feeling unworthy, we desperately feel the need to be the absolute best at what we do, going far beyond anything required of us. But we have no idea that that is what we are doing, or what is driving us.


Only a small minority of then working population (as little as 13%) are happy with their work. Most of them are unfulfilled, chronically stressed in miserable environments, feeling empty and resentful. Why? Because the majority of people are not aligned to their purpose in life. Some trauma happened in their childhood that compromised their authenticity to save their attachment to their parents - their lifeline was at stake.


There is a great deception across the globe, a real-life matrix, the Hustle Culture, which is defined as the state of overworking to the point it becomes a lifestyle, where hard workers such as us are actively exploited, perhaps for some of us with a lack of compassionate leadership. Despite extensive training and qualifications in some highly regarded professions over 70 percent of us are experiencing burnout. Ten percent of Americans are workaholics, a genuine behavioural addiction, which shares the same causes as all other addictions, namely feeling fear and toxic shame as a result of childhood trauma, resulting in a deep feeling of unworthiness, and a disconnected society. The ultimate consequence is dis-ease and death. We have an existential angst that sits there. It weighs heavily on our chests: We shouldn't confuse it with energy and drive. The ego, which is not the real you, needs external validation and success as a way of numbing your painful internalised emotions: These emotions are buried alive. Dale Carnegie said "The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated." We are not given a programme for living. And we are rewarded for external validation. Isn't the only validation that you truly need to be epic your own?


But there is a solution, that paradoxically may even further improve your performance to stellar outcomes, without compromising your physical and mental wellbeing. Here is everything you need to know...


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Are you a superachiever? Read on...

Are you an overachiever?

Success is something that everyone strives for, but is it ever possible to work too hard to reach your goals? Even though we attain more success than the vast majority of people, we overachievers are never satisfied and always strive to accomplish more. But we have lost before we begin: Enough is never enough. We can never win the race. Because by defining ourselves by something external to ourselves, it is transient, ephemeral, fleeting. While this behaviour can lead to professional and academic success, it can create a huge imbalance in our lives. As overachievers may subconsciously neglect our own needs or the needs of family and friends in order to triumph. The only road ahead for us is disaster.


How exactly do we define overachievement? Is there a point at which being successful and high-performing veers into excess? While there is no established definition, most would agree that the problem is not the need to achieve. Instead, it is the means that are used to reach and maintain that level of achievement that can be problematic. If people judge their own worth purely based upon successes, there is a strong sign that they are an overachiever.


So what distinguishes the overachievers from the high-performers of the world? Are the two really so different? Overachievers are more focused on reaching the finish line than they are on the actual end product. Achievement is all about reaching an end - the word itself derives from an Old French term meaning 'to bring to a head.' Overachievers are focused on doing just that. No matter what it takes, they will get it done. High performers are focused on reaching their goals, but they care much more about how well they perform.


Success does not just mean finishing on time or ticking certain tasks off a list. Instead, it is all about the journey itself, how well the project turns out, and how much one learns along the way. The act of performing something is not simply to reach the end so that you can say that it is finished - it is about the performance itself. It about doing something, doing it well, making something better, and even learning something from the experience.


While there is no scholarly consensus, researchers typically define workaholics with at least three of the following four characteristics: Working to the extent that one neglects self-care or one’s personal life; Experiencing little enjoyment of work; Working more than is expected or than the circumstances demand; Displaying controlling behaviours, like not delegating or trusting others.


Scholars are not totally aligned on whether workaholism is a true addiction, and it is not listed in the DSM-5, the U.S. standard used to classify mental disorders. The field of study on the subject is still nascent, though Bryan Robinson, a psychotherapist, thinks that workaholism should be considered on the spectrum alongside other addictions: “It’s a true addiction, and our society is in denial,” he says. Researcher Dr Rebekah Reysen suspects that workaholics can experience the same gratification and withdrawal cycles as other addicts: “You’re compelled to work but don’t necessarily feel joyous. You’re not getting a lot of satisfaction but feel like you have to do it.” When the benefits from work don’t last long, workaholics add more to their plate. As Dr Reysen describes it: “You need more and more of it to get the same results.” Success becomes a 'fix', as potent to your dopamine reward system as any other drug. A patient Nancy echoed the sentiment of work as drug, though for her it may function more like an anxiety-reduction drug than a stimulant: “It almost feels like I use work ... I’m calming myself down, I’m not crying, and within a few hours, this task of writing or transcribing will be done.” The withdrawal symptoms are real for people who can’t relax without feeling guilt or anxiety. Chanel Dubofsky, a writer, says she can’t take time off “Without psychological repercussions,” and the New York nonprofit worker describes relaxing as “Very hard” and “Stressful” because “Self-care sometimes feels to me like an excuse for not doing work.” Malissa Clark, a workaholism researcher, doesn’t think the term should be added to the DSM: “People can exhibit workaholic tendencies even if it’s not severe enough to be a clinical problem. It can still be detrimental.” Recognising workaholism as a clinical problem may also be complicated by how much American culture, replicated throughout the west, values work. It’s common for Americans not to use all their vacation days, and Reysen adds: “Work is one of those activities that society applauds, even when people work excessively and sacrifice their health, relationships, and other facets of their lives.” A workaholic may go unnoticed or even receive praise, raises, or promotions for their unhealthy habits. This hidden pandemic needs a light shining on it. This is my purpose and calling: To bring it into the open and to evocate a solution. There are four reasons then that there is such poor awareness of this and why it is becoming a crisis with pandemic levels of burnout: "Well to do' and middle class families are not seen as a place of childhood trauma, despite sometimes often astronomical expectations, which compel children to forsake their true Self for their human attachment needs; Success is rewarded with accolades, trophies, degrees and increased income; Companies love overachievers and drive them into the ground until their inevitable burnout (addictions never just fizzle out without recognition, treatment and recovery); Many of us pass under the radar until we ultimately crash. So, the causes are hidden and socially acceptable - parents wanting their children to achieve in the way that they want, not the way the child wants, and the consequences - workaholism - are hidden or celebrated and rewarded. We have no insight that this is what we are doing: We are sleep-working until we crash. There is a real problem here.


Further complicating the difference between hard work and overwork is the fact that most people have to work in order to survive, and some have no choice but to work long hours. And many people derive a huge part of their identity from work. Reysen explains: “Work engagement can bring accomplishments and feelings of self-worth… It can be a way of self-regulating, connecting with other people, making a contribution to society, and enhancing one's self-esteem in a big way.” As the New York nonprofit worker put it: “Work is a huge part of who I am... My purpose in life is very work-driven, and my sense of self worth is also very work-driven.” And as far as coping mechanisms go, working a lot is certainly more socially acceptable than drinking, for example. Nancy sees workaholism as a partly hidden experience: “There won’t be any hangover after. Workaholism seems on the outside like not completely damaging, but it is when you don’t also take care of yourself.” In fact, the demonstrated consequences from sustained workaholism include declining physical and emotional health, family and marital strife, trouble sleeping, and more. There is also the reality that modern technology allows constant connectivity, making it challenging for anyone, let alone a workaholic, to disengage from work.


It’s often hard not to feel envious of superachievers – as we ascend the stage to collect another prize, float our start-up company, are promoted a decade ahead of our peers or dominate the music charts or bestseller lists. Over-achievers torment others subconsciously through their achievements. But others should, more rightly, combine their envy with compassion. It is likely that us gifted souls are paying an oddly elevated price for our extraordinary successes, so much so that – once our full psychological profiles are in view – others, including companies and institutions that should be responsible for them, should start to feel compassion for the trajectory of their lives.


What distinguishes over-achievers from the simply highly talented or driven is what powers us in work. We labour tirelessly principally or primarily not because we uniquely enjoy what we do or have more urgent material demands than the rest of society, but because we are subject to unusually intense internal, psychological pressures. Behind our relentless activity lies an emotional rather than professional burden. It may look as if we simply want to sell more books, accumulate more shares or have our name in lights. But we over-achievers are all the while trying to secure something far more tricky, unusual and unmentioned: we are trying – through their work – to correct an aspect of a troubled emotional past. We are trying to impress a father who felt withholding and severe around them three decades before. We are hoping to assuage a feeling of catastrophe that we experienced in the deprived chaotic home of our birth.


In other words, we over-achievers are trying to solve a range of psychological problems through material or worldly means. This is why our efforts must, in a deep sense, always be doomed to failure – even when it appears to most of the world as if we are succeeding beyond measure.


Because success is the moment when we over-achievers are likely to notice the doomed nature of our ambition, it is a particularly troubling and dangerous eventuality. Depression may set in just after the company is sold; we will fall into a crisis just after we finally gain worldwide recognition. At exactly the point when our work is acclaimed or finds its audience, we over-achievers are at risk of severe breakdown. So long as we are merely running, we can forget to notice that our goal is misaligned with our true inner ambition. We must wait for success to reveal the fateful nature of our life’s quest. It is when we appear to have it all from the outside, and we deeply realise that we feel empty, joyless, exhausted, unfulfilled and lacking meaning in our lives, that we inevitable crash or self-sabotage, to finally get the train off the wrong track. We built the wrong tower!


Then how can a workaholic heal, especially considering that we likely can’t go “cold turkey”? In his private practice, Robinson says the most important thing is learning to sit still and be in the moment instead of being impatient. Chanel Dubofsky, a 37-year-old writer who splits her time between New York and Massachusetts, believes she’s had overachieving tendencies from a young age. As Dubofsky explains "Working really hard saved me from going into a really dark place." But overachieving can take you to an even darker place, including death. It very nearly did for me, twice.


Characteristics of an overachiever:

  • During school, colleges and university: In academic settings, overachievers are frequently identified as students who perform above and beyond the standards expected of their age level. They are often contrasted with underachievers, who are those who perform less well than educators expect. For college and university students, "There is a fine line between being a high achiever and an overachiever." In the US, "An increasing number of college students are literally making themselves sick in the pursuit of perfection", by setting "Self-imposed but unrealistically high standards." According to Dr. Modupe Akin-Deko, senior psychologist at Buffalo State College's counselling centre, "Maladaptive perfectionists set themselves up for failure by setting impossible standards for themselves, thus lowering their self esteem when they never reach their goals." Clinical psychologist Marilyn Sorenson, in her book "Breaking the Chain of Low Self-Esteem", maintains that people with low self-esteem often find themselves driven to overachieve to build self-worth.

  • At work: Overachievers tend to be very successful in their professional lives, but they are often known as hard-driving workaholics. In leadership roles, they can be perceived as overly harsh, egoic, and dictatorial due to their excessively high expectations of other group members. They hold themselves to an almost impossibly high standard, and they tend to apply those same measures to those that they supervise. Team members may respect an overachievers work ethic but can feel overburdened by the weight of expectations that these leaders hold. While overachievers may be successful in some ways, their tendency to take on too much work can lead to burnout over the long-term. Trying to maintain such a high level of output and performance can be exhausting or even impossible to keep up for a long period of time. When an overachiever does reach the inevitable breaking point, the admission of defeat or failure can be devastating. In the workplace, "Overachievers have the drive, determination, passion, and energy needed to move huge projects forward. Overachievers increasingly take on new projects and drive themselves to perfection, often becoming known as workaholics. Completing tasks above and beyond expectations provides the same physical and mental high as a drug." However, managers need to deal with the negative side of the overachiever personality: the overachiever employee may "Set unrealistic expectations, work insane hours, and take risks to succeed at any cost", which can lead the employee to "Become obsessed, dysfunctional, and ultimately unable to perform." Other issues with overachievers are that they "Typically forget to communicate vital information, often take shortcuts, and leave the details to someone else." As well, overachievers often "have difficulties interacting socially" and they are "at high risk for burnout". According to Dr. Richard Rawson, associate director of UCLA's Integrated Substance Abuse Programs, "Methamphetamine is popular with workers in overachieving, highly productive economies such as those in Japan and South Korea." Methamphetamines "Have graduated into a formidable problem in the workplace"; in the US, the California Bar Association says "One in four lawyers who voluntarily enters drug rehabilitation programs is addicted to methamphetamines." According to psychologist Arthur Ciaramicoli, there is a "Curse of the capable," which is "A complex web of emotions that drives people to hide their genuine needs behind a mask of over-achievement." He claims people often seek "The 'quick fix' of over-achievement to compensate for wounded self-esteem." As well, he states that "Chronically-overachieving people often don't realise unrecognised needs are driving them from the healing conditions necessary for fulfilled lives." He says that "Compulsive overachieving can stimulate production of dopamine"; however these "Temporary 'lifts' will pass, triggering a spiralling non-fulfilling cycle of achievement and disappointment." He claims that "The drive for status to overcome psychological wounds generally leads to other problems such as poor nutrition, weight gain, excessive reliance on caffeine, alcohol or other harmful substances and sleep deprivation." However, success does not always equal happiness or fulfilment, especially when we chase success blindly with no sense of purpose and we use that success as a measure of our own self-value and worth. Many of us subconsciously chase success out of unrelenting need to be perfect, to gain external validation that we never got in childhood, and to prove ourselves worthy of love. In her book "How to Do the Work", Dr Nicole LePera writes that the overachiever "Feels seen, heard, and valued through success and achievement. Uses external validation as a way to cope with low self-worth. Believes that the only way to receive love is through achievement." As overachievers, we often use our careers as a way to distract ourselves from unhealed wounds and keep ourselves busy enough to avoid any real type of intimacy. It was great, until I woke up one day and realised I was depressed, unfulfilled, and doing anything I could to avoid feeling this huge gap in my life. Constantly overworking myself and striving for perfection burnt me out. I didn't want to stay in my job, but I had no idea what I wanted to do. I had no idea what made me happy, or what was fulfilling to me. The thought of being anything less than perfect and successful in a 'good' job seemed like failure to me. Plus, the money I was making was a form of validation and protection. I didn't want to risk that. As entrepreneurs, we want to build our businesses authentically and with purpose. We want to work hard, but avoid burnout. We want to feel aligned with what we're building. We don't want to use our business as a distraction for life, we want to use it to create lives we love. Ever feel like you are always on the go, not feeling comfortable slowing down? All through school, college, medical school, residency, and then practicing medicine, the one thing that I got really good at was staying busy. Planning projects, test-taking, solving cases, treating patients, emails, meetings, joining boards, organisations, getting more certifications, a world of task lists, and checkboxes. What was often sacrificed was being a mom, wife, domestic duties, family time, and self-care. I have been goal driven all my life and felt like staying busy served me well … or so I thought. Filling all my time with to-dos and always saying “yes,” even when exhausted and crazy busy, was worn as a badge of honour instead of an acknowledgment of underlying trauma. The monkey mind is a busy place. Having trouble slowing down can be a sign of being stuck in fight-or-flight, lacking safety, needing to escape, and seeking to prove self-worth. We are addicted to the constant flow of information, rewarded by feeling of task completion and crave the constant engagement of thought and recognition. Over time, this becomes difficult to escape from, and staying in a perpetual state of being “on” becomes the norm. The internal system is used to being overloaded. Multitasking and hyper-vigilance drive up adrenaline and temporarily provides relief from the inner suffering. Work becomes a way to sabotage self-care, physically and emotionally. It creates a false sense of control, safety, and security where one can take charge and be confident. This coping behaviour starts in childhood, where one finds a sense of stability in taking control of eating behaviours, caring for others, and overachieving in school. Accomplishments, awards, and degrees are driven by the desire to be worthy of love and attention; a work-driven belief system that can bring recognition, feelings of self-worth and enhance self-esteem. When you are a superachiever, you inevitably act our of ego, which means that your colleagues don't respect you at the bottom, they ignore you in the middle, and they get the daggers out when you are at the top. You just haven't realised yet that the only validation you need is within you.

  • Caring only about the outcome: Overachievers tend to believe that the only thing that matters is reaching the outcome. They judge themselves by this standard and they also believe that others judge them in the same way. Failure is not just part of the process for an overachiever—it is how they measure their worthiness. Poor outcomes can be devastating, so an overachiever will go to any ends to avoid such failings. When they do reach a goal, an overachiever is more likely to experience feelings of relief that they were able to avoid failing. Rather than feeling pride or joy in their accomplishment, they are simply relieved that they have not failed.

  • Perfectionism: Overachievers may sometimes become very concerned with being perfect. Not being perfect is a sign of failure, so overachievers sometimes go to almost any length to maintain their perfect image. Just as achievement is usually a good thing, being something of a perfectionist is not always bad news. It often means that you value good work and are committed to doing your best. It is when this perfectionism becomes a source of stress and anxiety that it can start to take a toll on your physical and mental well-being. The Perfection Paradox: Perfectionism is a key feature of compulsive over-striving and being driven to achieve, says psychologist Gordon Flett of York University. Painfully high self-standards may compel overachievers to obsessively pursue success—picture the college student with the 3.9 GPA who can't stop self-flagellating over that one B+. The irony: Though they strive for greatness, most perfectionists are destined for disappointment. "The data on perfectionism and actual performance show little payoff in terms of objective achievement," Flett reports. And when perfectionists do perform exceptionally, he adds, "Many evaluate themselves quite harshly and don't feel especially good about their accomplishments." But high self-standards in one domain do not an overachiever make, and your decades-long quest to play "Little Wing" like Hendrix is not necessarily neurotic. "It's maladaptive when someone is striving to be a perfect person, but it's natural to want to be perfect in the one or two areas that matter most to you," Flett says. So fly on, Little Wing.

  • Self-criticism: It is normal to be a bit critical at times of our own behaviours and shortcomings. Overachievers, however, have a tendency to berate themselves for failing to live up to their own excessively high expectations. They may set goals that are simply impossible to achieve and then subject themselves to criticism and self-recrimination for failing to live up to these unreachable standards. Being an overachiever may mean that you are more likely to suffer from self-doubt and anxiety. The stress of constantly striving to reach an almost impossible goal coupled with the ever-present fear of failure can be a major source of stress.

  • Not knowing our needs: Do you know what your needs are? Are you able to articulate them with clarity? Are your needs being met? We don't know what we want so we want what others want. We chase rewards and when we get them we don't find them rewarding as they are not in line with our true purpose. Our true purpose is not to be validated. But that's all we know - it's a survival need.

  • Future-focussed: Because we are so wrapped up in avoiding negative outcomes, overachievers are always worried about the future. The problem with this is that we regularly neglect the here and now. We do not live in the present because we are too busy worrying about things that may or may not happen later on down the road. We are unable to enjoy things as they happen because we are too busy worrying about what is yet to come.

  • Working too much: If you find that you are working all the time and it seems like you can never take a break from it, you might be an overachiever. Never taking a vacation, day off, or even a mini-break during the day are all common behaviours for overachievers. Such behaviour patterns may happen from time to time, particularly during busy periods when you feel that you have a great deal to get done. If this behaviour becomes chronic and you don’t seem able to “turn it off” and relax, there is a strong chance that you are pushing yourself too hard. Overachievers regularly stay late at the office, spend all of their time working, and skip out of even simple self-care activities and hobbies in order to work.

  • Risk-taking: The need to overachieve can become dangerous when people start engaging in risky behaviour in order to reach their goals. Overachievers have a tendency to set goals that are unrealistic. As a result, they may be willing to do almost anything to avoid failure. Unrealistic health goals, for example, can lead to dangerous behaviours that can undermine a person’s overall health. Cutting too many calories to reach a weight loss goal and running too many miles each day in order to prepare for a race are two examples.

  • Being prone to outbursts of anger: Although not universally the case, the demand to achieve beyond the bounds of expectations can create a tremendous amount of stress - which may result in emotional outbursts when things do not go according to plan. A person who is already on edge may become easily frustrated by co-workers who they feel are holding them back or not pulling their own weight. Losing your temper once in a while is normal, but acting out inappropriately with little provocation can be a sign that you are putting too much pressure on yourself to achieve the impossible.

  • Taking criticism personally: Critical evaluations of performance are tough for anyone, but they can be particularly devastating to overachievers. To an overachiever, criticism implies failure and failure is an overachiever's greatest fear. If you find yourself taking even the smallest critiques personally, it might be a sign that you need to step back.

  • Never feeling satisfied: Overachievers are never able to settle down and just enjoy the present. Even after achieving some important goal, they do not take the time to really enjoy their success. All that matters is what comes next. If it seems like you are simply moving from one goal to the next without ever stopping to relish your accomplishments, it is possible that you are an overachiever.

  • Feeling increasingly overstretched: In addition to working too hard in general, overachievers often become involved in too many projects. They are not satisfied with being skilled in just a few areas - they want to succeed at everything. In school, they are likely to become involved in every club, organisation, or activity that they possibly can. At work, they are likely to volunteer for as many projects or tasks that they can become involved with. Unfortunately, rather than becoming the master of many skills, they may end up being proficient at none. Burnout is also a likely outcome.

  • Being motivated by fear: There are many different sources of motivation that can compel people to work toward their goals, yet overachievers are often motivated out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of letting other people down, or a fear of looking weak or incompetent. This type of motivation serves as a source of anxiety. Ultimately, you are working hard in order to avoid a negative outcome (failure) rather than achieve a positive outcome (achieving a desired goal). This sort of avoidance-based behaviour often leads to distress, worry, and negative feelings, all of which can have a detrimental impact on your self-worth and confidence.

Origin of overachievers

Many of us had childhoods that didn't allow us to express our true selves. For those who were abandoned in some way as a child, whether through abuse or neglect or had parents who pushed them to be a certain way, we were not allowed to feel heard or seen. As a result, we abandoned our true selves and our true wants. We learned to survive by ignoring our authenticity and excessively relying on one of our four human survival responses: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Perfectionism and "driven-ness" are actually flight responses, a survival instinct for emotional abandonment as a child. In his book "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving", therapist Pete Walker writes that "Many flight types perpetually stay busy and industrious to avoid being triggered by deeper relating. Others also work obsessively to perfect themselves hoping to someday become worthy enough of love. Such flight types have great difficultly showing anything but their perfect persona."

When developed healthily, the flight response insures good boundaries, assertiveness, and healthy self-protection when necessary. When constantly relied on as a need for survival or an attempt to cope with unhealed wounds, our survival instinct impairs our ability to relax in an undefended state. It also dulls our awareness of our past trauma and distracts us from our feelings of misalignment. This leads to the workaholic: The person who is always 'on'. The Type-A personality who rushes to achieve. But the normal drive to accomplish tasks has a dark counterpart. People driven to overachieve are motivated by an unhealthy compulsion to show they are worthy. "Overachievers have an underlying fear of failure or a self-worth contingent upon competence," says University of Rochester psychologist Andrew Elliot. He continues "Rather than setting and striving for goals based on a pure desire to achieve, their underlying motivation impels them out into the world to avoid failure. As we set out to accomplish things, that fundamental distinction between approach and avoidance motivation—between a positive and negative orientation—leads the overachiever to adopt certain types of goals that directly affect performance. The goal and motivation together result in overachievement."

Doe Zantamata says "Under-nurtured children often become overgivers and overachievers in adulthood. While the gifts they give to everyone else are enormous, true joy can only happen when they finally give themselves unconditional love for who they are, not just for what they do." The journey ahead may evocate our unique gift as overachievers Zantamata continues “It is only in our darkest hours that we may discover the true strength of the brilliant light within ourselves that can never, ever, be dimmed.”


Trauma comes from the Greek for wound. It is what we suffered alone as children. It results from the rupture of the two competing needs of attachment and authenticity. Attachment always wins for survival reasons. So we are doubly-bound: We become enslaved to attachment, while hiding our true selves in the shadows. Many of the wounds we have carried with us since childhood stem from skewed internal belief systems deeply ingrained in us. We may be an adult survivor of narcissistic abuse who suffers from chronic overachieving? Are you never satisfied with your accomplishments or fear failure? Do you have the “Nothing I Ever Do is Good Enough” syndrome? Adults who were raised by a parent or parents with Narcissistic Personality Disorder suffer a great deal of collateral damage. We are left with open emotional wounds that impact many areas of our lives—wounds that will not heal until we understand what happened to us in childhood.


Many ACONS’s (adult children of narcissists) have a chronically unfulfilled need for external approval and validation, irrespective to the level of competency or success they achieve in their personal and professional lives. There is an underlying belief that they must look, act or perform certain ways to get approval, acceptance and love from others. This approval seeking pattern creates a great deal of stress in their lives. They sacrifice their own happiness and well-being at the expense of it. Children are highly impressionable. Growing up under the control of a narcissistic parent, children become conditioned to put their own needs aside and wait to see what the parent expects of them. These expectations are never predictable. The children jump through ever changing hoops trying to keep their parents happy and get a crumb of “love” or acknowledgment. They live in an environment in which their parent’s feelings, the person they must rely on to take care of them, take priority over their own feelings. To fulfill their basic needs of being loved and cared for, and create some sense of peace in their home environment, children must play the game the way the parent wants it played. Having always based their feelings on the feelings of the narcissistic parent, children grow up not knowing what their own feelings are. Because they have always gauged their successes and failures by the approval or disapproval of the narcissistic parent, they have no inner guidance system. Their safe behaviour and boundaries were never mirrored to them. And having been conditioned to keep the peace through pleasing or playing it safe, they fear disapproval and failure. All considered it is easy to understand why as adults they do not trust their own judgment, why they rely on external validation, and why they never feel “good enough.” As adults, their self-worth does not come from an inner pride in their accomplishments but from external validation and approval. Since they never learned to self-define or self-qualify their achievements, many adult children of narcissistic abuse become self-critical workaholics, over-performers or overachievers.


As mentioned above, researchers found a group of successful adults shared something in common—most experienced trauma as children. In a story by Clinical Psychologist Meg Jay published in the Wall Street Journal last November, Jay detailed a study of 400 extraordinarily high achievers. When researchers looked at their lives, they found 75 percent of them had survived critical childhood challenges—perhaps better classified as traumas— including the loss of a parent, severe poverty or abuse. Does that mean trauma is a good thing? No, not by a long stretch. Many times, trauma can result in lifelong negative consequences such as alcoholism, drug abuse, depression and chronic health conditions. But what some studies show, say psychologists, is that in some cases, trauma can also result in early—though difficult—lessons in resiliency. The key is to help children see that. “There is growing evidence that in middle and high school children, character strengths are a reflection of their environment. You can’t teach character by just telling children to be more confident or self-assured or have more intellectual courage. The way children learn that is by continually being compelled and supported to accept risks and challenges,” says clinical psychologist and author Dr Mark Luciano. That includes making mistakes. Of course, the key word here is “supported.” With solid adult support following trauma, children can build strong senses of Self that will help propel them through future challenges. Without that support, this unrelenting drive could be less about success and more about validation, says psychotherapist Sara Stanizai, owner of Prospect Therapy in Long Beach, California. “As children, many high achievers lacked recognition, or they received it in limited circumstances such as getting good grades, achieving in sports or securing social status. On the surface it appears that they are very successful, but internally, they feel impostor syndrome because that praise hasn't been internalised,” says Stanizai who specialises in treating high-functioning anxiety and depression among first-generation Americans and the LGBTQ+ community. “For first-generation Americans, this feeling is often exacerbated by the expectations of achievement related to being the first in their family to come of age in the U.S.,” says Stanizai. “These individuals didn't come here by accident, so there is a lot at stake.” But as Luciano says, if a child is able to meet and overcome challenges, “the result is often … ultimate success in later life.”


Edward Khantzian, who originated the self-medication hypothesis of substance abuse, writes that “Human emotional suffering and pain” and an “Inability to tolerate one’s feelings” are at the root of addiction. People may use substances or behavioural addictions to numb or control distress, low self-esteem, anxiety, or depression. It can be healthy to use work tasks to calm down when stressed, if someone does so in moderation, especially if they find purpose and meaning through their work. But people with traumatic stress or PTSD might be prone to channeling—or avoiding—their unresolved feelings through overwork, and they tend to get so lost in work that they don’t notice physical pain or other discomforts, explains Bryan Robinson, a psychotherapist in private practice and author of "Chained To The Desk".


Working as a way to assert control may be particularly relevant for people who experience hypervigilance, a symptom of PTSD and severe anxiety which can include “being easily startled” or “feeling tense or ‘on edge,’” according to the National Institute of Mental Health. The hypervigilant mind scans for potential threats in a repetitive, distressing way. Working extreme hours may help manage elevated fears or make people feel prepared for disaster (real or imagined). Explains Reysen: “It is difficult for the mind to focus on more than one task at once, so being engrossed in a work project can help temporarily replace those thoughts with something procedural, more easily controllable.” Controlling tendencies may also mean that workaholics struggle to share the workload. Robinson explains how delegating may bring up that dreaded uncertainty: “When delegating, you’re afraid that it’s not going to get done or get done as well. [If you do it yourself], you’re making sure the outcome is more predictable.” For survivors of trauma, feeling like they know what’s going to happen, even if it’s a false sense of security, can be calming. Robinson also believes that being accustomed to stress leads workaholics to bite off more than they can chew: “I think it’s because their internal system is used to overload. Multitasking gets their adrenaline going and the heart racing.” This activation may temporarily deliver someone from their deeper distress. How does someone come to learn that work and overwork can save them from overwhelming situations or feelings? Robinson believes the aspect of early trauma most connected to work addiction is 'parentification', which one article defines as “when children are expected to provide instrumental or emotional caregiving within the family system that overtaxes their developmental capacity.” If a child’s household experiences volatility (like financial insecurity, physical or sexual abuse, or feuding adults), Robinson believes children learn to “grab onto something that gives them a sense of stability.” This can include taking care of a sick adult or younger siblings, mediating between parental conflict, or overachieving in school.


Overachievers are likely to adopt competitive performance-approach or fearful performance-avoidance goals because of an underlying motivation to "Be better than others to avoid rejection," Elliot says. That negative underpinning can turn an otherwise useful performance-approach goal into one that causes stress. But avoidance goals are even more problematic, he adds, because they "Create worry and distract people from the task due to self-concerns." Those self-concerns, in turn, can cause low self-esteem, feelings of incompetence, and life dissatisfaction.


The inner critic the superego (above the ego) tells us we haven’t got what it takes. This is the internalised voice of the parent who tells us we aren’t good enough. It would be easy to get rid of if it was that simple. It’s deeper than that. There was wisdom behind this voice originally to ensure survival. The deeper wisdom is: I am alone and only 7 years old. If I work hard enough maybe I will be loved or be loveable. These adaptations have a purpose but they outstay their welcome. Attachment is a very vulnerable state to be in. So you develop ways to seek attachment that are not so vulnerable where you don’t have to ask for it. You were hurt when you were small so you want to develop less vulnerable ways of being. In their book "Hold On To Your Kids" Dr Gabor Maté and Gordon Neufeld explain how our parents and their skewed attachments cause suffering.



"Hold On To Your Kids" by Dr Gabor Maté


Dr Gabor Maté says in his lecture on the 5 levels of compassion that you depersonalise the attachment. You will be consumed by attracting attention - by being charming, attractive or having cosmetic surgery. Or you try to win approval: By success. You try to measure up to other people’s expectations. You might be demanding and go into politics. You might try to be important eg by helping others - doctor. Or become very nice so you are liked - a people pleaser. You might become very charming. You might seek status. Our whole society runs on these false attributes. They are just displacements of genuine attachment needs. They are runaway addictive as they don’t satisfy. It’s hard to get enough of something that almost works. You need more as it almost works. You are never totally satisfied as you suspect that it’s not the real you who is liked. So it never fully satiates. The only satiation can only come from within. It can never come from botox or likes on social media.

Consequences of being an overachiever

Achievement is, in most cases, a good thing. After all, who doesn’t want to reach their goals? The problem with overachievement is that it involves reaching these goals at costs that outweigh the rewards. People often sacrifice their own physical and mental health, joy, and important relationships in order to chase a target that is always moving beyond them. They can never reach it, however far they go.


As Dr. Lepera writes, it "can be devastating for those in traditionally desired professions who struggle to cope with the misalignment of their careers, use substances, experience mental health issues, and in extreme cases, even commit suicide." Walker further illustrates this by writing, "Flight types are also susceptible to the process addictions of workaholism and busy-holism. To keep these processes humming, they can deteriorate into stimulating substance addictions."


Overachievement leads to constant doing, and worrying or planning when you are not doing. This leads to burying ourselves in work to avoid authenticity and vulnerability.

This leads to poor relationships, stress, fear, anxiety, panic attacks, burnout, and in more extreme cases, addiction, depression, and sometimes suicide.


If you feel that your success is being overshadowed by anxiety or a crippling fear of failure, it might be time to reevaluate your relentless pursuit of achievement: The consequences of the alternative may be fatal.

How do you survive being an overachiever?

Fortunately, taking a step back and focusing more on the quality of your success rather than the quantity can help you gain a better perspective on personal achievement. If you feel that you are an overachiever, there are steps that you can take to ensure that your need for success does not hinder your physical health, your emotional well-being, or your social relationships. Unraveling our trauma story allows us to understand our coping behaviours. Recognising that we are equal to everyone else and worthy of love and attention is not an overnight feat. It takes time, patience, and self-love to realise we are enough. Our worthiness is not tethered to an impressive contribution or martyrdom. The healing path starts with creating time for self-reflection, observing silence, cultivating a daily meditation practice, staying in the present moment without judgment, and giving yourself permission for self-care and time off work.


Trauma therapy

The cure for over-achievement involves pausing to address the psychological childhood wounds that made hard work feel like the only defence against intolerable trauma. It means returning to the situations that made achievement feel life sustaining. It means a confrontation with moments of loss, disconnection, lack of love, sadness and humiliation. This is done safely through therapy in the form of psychotherapy and Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) with specially trained trauma psychotherapists. I have had this and it is real life magic and has strong scientific backing. It is supported and recognised by the Word Health Organisation (WHO) and the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE). Prince Harry has also experienced this and is raising awareness about it: https://emdrassociation.org.uk/


Recognise your triggers

Notice the ways in which your organisation is trying to manipulate your behaviour and how you respond. Notice which of your colleagues are particularly likely to make you feel more anxious through their comments and actions – be ready to raise your psychological defences if necessary.


Validate your Self

Define success in your own terms, not others'. If you are going to devote yourself, body and soul, to your work, choose a job where you stand the best chance of succeeding and enjoying what you do. Don’t persist in a job that doesn’t suit you – quitting a job you “can’t cope with” is not a sign of failure but a sign of good sense and emotional maturity.


Respect the evidence of and celebrate your success

Once an insecure overachiever has achieved a goal, they tend to discount it quickly and set the bar even higher. So when you have achieved something, remember how concerned you were about not succeeding, how often you have succeeded in spite of these concerns, and challenge yourself to believe the evidence of your persistent pattern of success. However, this may be easier said than done - the average feeling of achievement only lasts 6 seconds even in non-superachievers.


Take a step back

As you begin to pursue a goal, take a moment to consider why it is so important to you. Is this something you really care about? How will you feel if you don’t achieve this goal? Does this goal have a realistic outcome? While it may not change your mind about pursuing your objective, taking a step back consider your motivations may help you gain a bit of perspective about why you are chasing this goal.


It is OK to do less

Give yourself permission to say “no” to extra projects, commitments, events, and activities, especially those that are linked to accolades, recognitions, and certifications. Work on quality experiences that fill your soul even if no one is watching. Become comfortable with passing up opportunities that do not serve you and only pick those tasks that support your vision. Allow for downtime with no schedules, meetings or planning and engage in regular self-care rituals.

Practice Self-care

Even if you are working hard toward reaching your goals, you need to take the time to care for yourself. Do not overlook your well-being, both physical and mental, just so you can keep your nose to that grindstone. Give yourself breaks, reward your efforts, and do something each day that will benefit your health and wellness.


Let go of judgment

We are constantly evaluating, criticising, labelling, and analysing others and ourselves. Find space in your day to practice non-judgment and create a field of silence in the mind. Take one or two hours in the day to remind ourselves, “I will not judge” and bring awareness to when we do. You can always do more and always do better; the possibilities of achievement in life are infinite. But “more” and “better” do not equal contentment. Inner peace comes with the satisfaction, acceptance and appreciation of where you are now. There is nothing wrong with striving to do more, but focus on the process of reaching your goal, not on your attachment to the outcome. If you are always driving yourself toward outcomes, you will always be looking to do more. You will never be happy with what you do accomplish. Stay focused on the journey, not the destination.


Work on self-love

An important lesson is that we are already worthy, and we are deserving of love, independent of what we accomplish or “do.” Start each day with a positive affirmation that resonates with this intention. “I am loved, I am enough, I am worthy.” Letting gohttps://randifine.com/letting-go-of-the-past/ of chronic overachieving begins with self-love and respect. Your abuser cannot pass the degradation baton to you unless you take it.


Have self-compassion

The recovering over-achiever should allow themselves to feel compassion for their earlier self, acknowledging how much they wish could have gone differently and grasping how their present so-called successful personality has been shaped as a response to grave wounds. The cure for over-achievement lies in mourning and analysis in an atmosphere of love. The over-achiever may eventually come to believe that they deserve a place on the earth whether they work or not. They aren’t there just to perform. The greater need is to connect and to understand.


Practice silence

Daily quiet reflection is giving yourself permission to just “be.” Start by taking an hour or two to disconnect from technology, work, reading, writing, or engaging in social activities. Make a commitment to maintaining silence daily for self-exploration and time to digest that inner dialog that can be uncomfortable.


Make time for meditation

Set aside time in the morning to sit in a comfortable, quiet space. The practice of breathwork, a mantra, thoughts of love and kindness or paying attention to our five senses can create body awareness, mindfulness, and clarity. Create time away from distractions and become comfortable with the uncomfortable as this is the journey to healing.


Practice presence

Robinson says “I teach workaholics to be able to be present. And that brings up a lot of anxiety. As they practice over time, the brain starts to realise that they can be calm and quiet and that it’s okay.” This skill of “grounding” is the same one Robinson would offer a trauma survivor or someone with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) - people who are used to waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. When a workaholic is also a trauma survivor, learning to be present may help address unresolved emotions which they used work to avoid. With the ability to feel grounded in place, people can find healthy ways to engage with work and create concrete boundaries around it.


Use positive affirmations

One of the biggest problems chronic overachievers have is their need for perfection. Perfectionism comes from negative self-talk; limiting beliefs that tell them that they are not good enough or that what they do is not good enough. To change these counter-productive messages they must be moved from the subconscious mind to the conscious mind where they can be recognised. Once you are aware of them they can be replaced with positive self-talk. The positive affirmations I am suggesting may or may not resonate with you. Use whichever ones feel right, or create your own:

  • I deeply love, appreciate and approve of myself.

  • I am confident in myself and my decisions.

  • I strive to do the best I can do and then let things go.

  • People who matter accept me for who I am.

  • My worth does not depend on my success, my accomplishments, or what others think of me.

  • I release the need to prove myself to anyone.

  • I am not perfect and that’s okay.

  • I release myself from the pressure of having to be perfect.

  • My best is good enough.

  • I accept my mistakes as opportunities to learn and grow in my life.

  • I am free to make my own choices and decisions.

Connect with others

Overachievers are known to let their relationships suffer in the pursuit of their goals. It is important to remember that maintaining healthy social connections is actually more likely to support your long-term success. Reach out to others, devote time to the ones you love, and be willing to let other people support you along the way. Connect with people for no reason: Give not take. Deepen relationships not related to work.


Join Workaholics Anonymous

Some workaholics find community through Workaholics Anonymous, a 12-step program that exists in about 20 countries and 32 U.S. states. This social support may be especially beneficial if a workaholic is also a trauma survivor. Reysen explains: “The key is to not be isolated and to still engage in social activities. The survivor does not have to talk about the trauma; it is therapeutic to be around other people who make a positive impact on one's life.” Nontraditional therapies, like yoga and meditation, have shown some promise in treating PTSD, and may be helpful in training the brain to face underlying anxiety instead of distracting or soothing it with work.


How can Transformative Life Coaching (TLC) guide you to safe abundance as an overachiever


Are you feeling driven or following a calling?

People build their lives and careers and family around superachieving. It becomes challenging to dismantle, as it works for a time. The world even showers accolades for it and takes advantage of these nuclear-powered employees. Society rewards you for betraying your Self. Are you following a calling or being driven? If you are following a calling you are in charge in a higher partnership. If you are being driven you are not in the driver’s seat. You are a leaf being blown by the wind. You are a 'lamb to the slaughter' when you should be a 'lamb of God'. Eventually you tumble into trouble as the wolves inevitably appear, unless you are able to hear the softly speaking voice of your higher Self, speaking louder than that of your petrified ego, leading to awakening and follow your calling. The distinction is are you being driven by the inner critic, the voice of your parents, or are you being true to your true Self? Find the elements that are your calling. See what doesn’t come from deficiency and scarcity. See what is not attached to outcome. See what is tension free - that’s your calling. Feeling driven and full of tension requires attention: When you get it it feels good temporarily but then it turns to ashes in your mouth. Who are you choosing to run your life? Are you coming from your wounded child or BEing your Higher Self? It is your choice once you are awake:


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Who are you BEing? Are you choosing to come from your wounded child or are you BEing your Higher Self?


Who is in charge?

I will ask you to step into the role of the interviewer for the job of your life: “Would you hire a petrified 7-year old to run your life or the highest version of your Self?” The obvious answer gives clarity on the madness of our superachiever condition. That’s what your ego is doing. It’s time to drop ‘King Baby’ and unconditionally love and accept your inner child, and show up as your fearless, intuitive, assertive, higher Self. The job your are interviewing for is nothing less than your life. Your higher Self, is the only true candidate. Give your Self your life. You will see miracles, magic, and promises to your Self come true. Is it "You're fired!" to your King Baby or "You're Higher-ed!" to your True Self.


The following table summarises the causes, implications, associations, and consequences of following your calling: Which column do you identify with? Which column would you like to go towards? Do you feel driven, or called? Are you coming from your wounded child or your Higher Self?:

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Causes, implications, associations, and consequences of following your calling: Drive in the Wounded Child versus Dharma and the Higher Self


Ikigai and Dharma

We will explore these concepts. Dharma is your life purpose; The concept Ikigai will give you clarity around your purpose.

Ask yourself these questions:

What do you love?

What are you good at?

What does the world need from you?

What can you get paid for?

What are your core values?


As Confucius said “Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.”

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Ikigai - the Japanese concept of the secret to a long life.


You are reading this page as you are facing a challenge, your rock-bottom, or a mountain to climb. The mountain is there for two reasons: Firstly to redirect your course to your true purpose; Secondly so that when you climb it you inspire other people to do the same. Although you can't see it yet the other side of the mountain is there. Always remember "This too shall pass." And the anxiety that you feel that it won't pass is simply the hangover of a lifelong addiction to external validation and the buried pain of not being your true Self since your childhood.


TLC is a BEing to BEing conversation

I will speak to the quiet voice inside you, with total compassion, without judgement. That is the voice of your higher Self: It has been sitting on the sidelines because you simply don’t know yet that invoking & embodying your higher Self is the answer to ALL your problems. We will ignore the loud brash voice, which is in fact your terrified 7-year old ego thinking that it has to fight for survival in an adult world, or the voice of your critical parent, that makes you feel unworthy, unloved, ashamed, and that you can’t be your true Self. You see you aren’t who you thought you were. You believed the stories people told you about you. You thought that your petrified child had to face all your problems. Together we will see that you are fearless, powerful & intuitive. You only felt afraid because you sent the 7-year old you to fight battles that the adult you no longer actually faces. You see the monster is dead: The invisible lion doesn’t exist.

You will realise that all your limits, your fears & doubts, are imaginary, self-imposed constructs (your ego loves fabricating those) that you can drop with ease.

All of your drama & problems were because you appointed 7-year old you to run your life. We will awaken the higher YOU. I will be your gentle alarm clock. We will have conversations from BEing to BEing. These conversations will shift your perceptions, and you will change your life to the one of your dreams. You are uniquely talented, magnetising, epic, loved, limitless, abundant, and yet humble. You just don't know it yet. But you will...

​

Compassion

My purpose is to guide you to deeply seeing and knowing the higher YOU through radical Self-compassion, expanded consciousness, deep authentic connection, Self-acceptance and total presence. By showing you unconditional compassion you will be able to begin to do the same for your Self.


Dr Gabor Maté explains in his lecture on the 5 levels of compassion

Have self compassion and relax. You don’t need the inner critic any more as you are in control and it’s a calling. We will throw your inner critic in the bush! There is no need for tension and hustle. The super ego creates shame to the core. It can all be addressed with compassion. Even shame served a purpose: No longer. How does one cultivate self compassion when one never had it? Presence allows compassion to manifest. Coaching leads to compassion: The compassionate presence of another allows self compassion. The Buddha did it alone: For the rest of us coaching truly helps. I know, I have experienced it again and again. You need a radically compassionate guide. Only when compassion is present from another will people allow themselves to see the truth. For most of us that interaction allows us to have self compassion. I will be your guide. I will create a space of total compassion where you can show up with vulnerability and see your higher calling.

How do you define compassion? 'Com' means with. 'Passion' means suffering - the suffering is Christ. There are 5 layers or levels to compassion:

  • 1. Ordinary human compassion. Empathy. We don’t want someone to suffer. It’s the brain system that cares for others. Most of us have that care system. Otherwise children wouldn’t survive. A fellow sentient being is suffering and I don’t want them to suffer. This is not enough. It’s necessary but not enough.

  • 2. The compassion of understanding. What happened. WHY are you suffering? Why are you addicted to validation?

  • 3. The compassion of recognition. We don’t see ourselves as different from each other. We are one. I don’t see myself as different from you.

  • 4. The compassion of truth. Jesus said "I want you to know the truth." I am not trying to protect you from it. You can ask anything from anybody. Even if it brings pain or sadness. As the truth is necessary for awareness.

  • 5. The compassion of possibility. When you look at the most rejected person you see them as the full human being that they are and can be manifested. You are aware of that possibility. This is the highest level of compassion and what I will bring to you. I have been where you are. I do not judge you. I see you. I hear you. I understand you.

The story we can have is such that we don’t want to think about the past. Why is truth so important and powerful? The Ten Commandments state "There should be no other Gods before me." When God spoke to Moses from the burning bush he was saying "I am what I am". We reinterpret that’ as the truth that is speaking. Anything else apart from truth will create suffering. Our essential nature is truth. When we reject truth we reject who we are. When you put anything ahead of truth you create suffering. So much suffering is caused by people refusing to look at the truth. That’s why the Buddha talked about the 4 Noble Truths.


We will find the elements that are your calling. We will see what doesn’t come from deficiency and scarcity: We will see what is not attached to outcome. See what is tension free - that’s your calling. There is an awakening peace from this transformation. We have to go deeper than the behaviour. We have to look within, dive below the surface, to the submerged iceberg that is your subconscious. When you grow your business from a place of authenticity and alignment with your higher Self, you will have the opportunity to create an impactful success of epic stellar proportions, and build a fulfilling joyous life that you feel totally aligned to, while keeping all the elements of your life in balance.


Conclusion

We live in a world very interested in huge achievements and very uninclined to notice the trauma behind them. When we develop your awareness through TLC, you will fire your petrified ego and inner critic, and hire your higher Self for the role of running your life. You will be truly abundant, at peace, full of joy, and energised like you have never felt before: An alive stillness. The Universe is in partnership with you. You cannot fail, at last. This is no longer about survival, it's about true success.


Namaste.


Sending you love, light, and blessings brothers.


Olly



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Hello,

I am delighted and enchanted to meet you. I coach men with 'Deep Coaching', 'Supercoaching', and Transformative Life Coaching (TLC). Thank you for reading this far. I very much look forward to connecting with the highest version of you, to seeing your highest possibility, and to our conversations. Please do contact me via my email for a free connection call and a free experience of coaching on Zoom or in person. 


“Transformative life coaching uniquely creates and holds the space for you to see your self afresh, with clarity, and step into new ways of BEing, which will transform how you perceive and intuitively create your world. My work is to guide you to raise your own conscious awareness to the level that you want to achieve.”





Click here for the books that I know will help you along your journey of recovering your Self:





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I have a Bachelor's degree in Natural Sciences from Trinity College, Cambridge; a Master's Degree in Philosophy from Trinity College, Cambridge; a PhD Doctorate in Scientific Research from University College London (UCL); a Medical Degree (MD/MBBS) from The Royal Free Hospital School of Medicine, London and have been a doctor and reconstructive trauma and cancer surgeon in London for 20 years. I have a number of other higher qualifications in science and surgery. I have published over 50 peer reviewed PubMed cited scientific journal articles, have been an associate editor and frequent scientific faculty member, and am the author of several scientific books. I have been awarded my Diploma in Transformative Life Coaching in London, which has International Coaching Federation (ICF) Accreditation, as well as the UK Association for Coaching (AC), and the European Mentoring and Coaching Council (EMCC). I have been on my own transformative journey full time for over five years and I am ready to be your guide to you finding out who you really are and how the world works.




Please let me know if you would like to join our 'VOICE for men' VIP community: 'Vulnerability & Openness Is a Choice Ensemble', 'Visibility Is Power', where men can find their strength, courage, and authenticity, by dropping their egocentric fears and instead communicate openly with vulnerability. We are co-creating this space. It will change your life. It will empower you. This community is a safe space for men to connect and discuss philosophy, spirituality, positive psychology, awakening to Self-realisation, wisdom and timeless Truths, to share our experience, strength and hope, and to find solutions to our pain and fears. Our meeting is free to join. There is no script, just sharing.


 
 
 

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